You Don't Need To Be Like Everyone Else

I bet there are plenty of girls out there like me, who struggle to fit in, or aren’t really the definition of what the perfect female is these days. Sometimes it gets hard for us to come to terms with the fact that we will never be like those girls with the big perfect fake breasts, or the happy go-lucky attitudes, or perfectly polished nails. No offence to girls who fit that category at all, I’m not saying that having those characteristics makes you a bad person, but I’m not like you and I never will be – it’s as simple as that.

For a long time I always wondered why can’t I be the same as them? Or how come I just don’t fit in? But over the years I’ve realized that I don’t ever want to be the same… and I don’t need to be. I stopped caring about the fact that my tattoos weren’t the “norm”, and that I constantly have a resting bitch face. I stopped caring about the fact that my tits are almost non-existent, and that I’m thin as a post. Not only am I not going to change myself to benefit society… I’m definitely not going to drop thousands of dollars worth of cash into changing myself to make society happy (again no offence to those that do).

It’s your life. If you want to drop cash into giving yourself the perfect nose, lips, or boobs – by all means please do so. I, on the other hand am my own person, and I like my small boobs now.. I like my thin lips.. and I like my pointy nose. It wasn’t always this easy though, and I haven’t always been satisfied with myself or my body. I can’t tell you what exactly changed. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I’m just getting older, and the care is just not there anymore, or what it was.

But I wanted to let any girl out there who is like me, know that you don’t need to be like everyone else. I haven’t met many woman out there who I click with, for the simple fact that woman like us are hard to come by now. We are rare. Don’t give up on being who you are, and decrease the population of woman who aren’t ashamed of their bodies, or their weirdo personalities. If you give up… we will all be extinct one day.

Let that sink in a little. I am actually quite serious when I say we will be extinct. If you are wondering how this could be possible, actually take a moment to think about it. We are the ones instilling into others what a woman should or shouldn’t be. All of us.. whether you are like me or not. If we are all eager to change the way we naturally look, we are sending this message to our daughters, our nieces, our students, our clients…. All of the young minds that are so easily impressionable.

I just want you to know that it is ok not to be like everyone else. I understand that certain things make this very hard and difficult to come to terms with, but it is ok. Those are words that I needed to hear not so long ago, and I hope that they can inspire others to be who they are. That’s really all I want to say.

Because Nothing Hurts More Than an Unrequited Love

She knows she's not depressed but it sure feels like it. Because she loved him so hard that now she feels empty without him.

It's like she's incapable of letting him go because her mind is still stuck on him and everything he was to her. She can't stop worrying about him and wondering what he's doing.

She feels absolutely and entirely consumed by him and he's not even her's anymore. It seems like he couldn't care less about how she feels about him, and that's what kills her most.

And truthfully, she can't help but give in when she wants to text to him or call just to hear his voice.

But every time she picks up her phone to see if he's actually taken notice to the text message she just poured her heart into, every time she hopes for him to say just one thing that'll make her smile, he lets her down.

She feels dumb for even having hope that it could work out between them when he clearly isn't interested, but she can't help but think 'what if.'

And it's that 'what if' that keeps her heart beating for him. But the thing is, she didn't do it on purpose.

When a girl's heart, mind, and soul are completely consumed by the love she has for a guy, it's a hard thing to break.

She didn't mean to let him have this hold on her, it's just her big heart was blinding her from the truth.

But she won't let herself become 'that girl.' The girl who's holding herself back in life because of a stupid guy.

Instead, she keeps her mind busy and does all the things she wanted to do when they were together that he didn't give the time of day.

And every time she's tempted to pick up her phone she reminds herself that he's not doing the same for her. That she's wasting her own precious moments of her life on someone who isn't giving her a second thought.

As much as it hurts to come to terms with these things, she knows it's the truth she has to face. She loves herself enough not to give up on herself.

She promises to put herself first every day for the rest of her life because she deserves it. She doesn't deserve to bottle up her emotions to avoid being a burden to the people who are supposed to love her.

She finally feels safe enough to go to her loved ones and confide in them all of the heartache she's been going through because sometimes all she needs is a little reinforcement and recognition that she's not alone in this.

Life does go on and one day soon, she's going to feel just as incandescently happy as she did before she ever met him.

"I realize there’s something incredibly honest about trees in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go."
—Jeffrey McDaniel

You're My Sister, My Twin Soul, My Rock

There's nothing in the world that can compare to the excitement I felt when my parents told me that I'm about to gain a little sister. I remember jumping up and down thinking of the lifetime of fun I'd get to have with my new mini me.

I can't explain to you how ecstatic I was. I told every person who would listen how I was going to be a big sister. I'd tell them all about how excited I was to hold you, and help Mom out with taking care of you. I even gave one of my baby dolls the same name Mom had chosen to give you.

At the time, I didn't know that I'd be getting more than just a little sister, I'd also be getting a lifelong built-in best friend.

When you were born I promised to always take care of you, no matter what. You were so little then, and so innocent, I made sure your world was full of love and happiness. I never wanted you to feel pain or sadness.

Our teen years were harder. We still had yet to realize that we would ever become best friends. We fought endlessly, but I was always there when those pesky bullies made fun of you, or to give you a great make-up lesson, or to show you how to take a perfect selfie.

Most of all I was there for you during your struggles to offer support, and try to show you the right way.

There are a ton of things I've done for you and would do again in a heartbeat. But there's also so much you did for me, and the most important thing was something you didn't even know that you did. You showed me my worth.

I was headed down a rocky road and although you were completely oblivious to it, it was your little eyes watching me, and viewing me as a role model that placed me back on the right path. Had you not been in my life, I'm not even sure where I would be now.

I don't know if you really know how precious and special you really are. You were my strength when my own had depleted, you were the wake up call that I didn't know I needed.

Without even realizing it you made me a better person, and changed who I am for the better.

You're so much more than a sister, you're my best friend, my saving grace, my twin soul.

What You're Gonna Miss When You Let Her Go

You thought when you let her go it would be easier, and there wouldn't be much to think about.

You thought that she maybe wasn't good enough, wasn't the right one, or that her personality was too over powering.

What you didn't think about was the fact that there was going to be qualities you would eventually come to miss.

Things that only she would do, things that were her "trademark".

You might not have thought about the fact that these qualities were only ones that she had, or those things she did were her thing. But now you've let her go.. so let me tell you what you're going to miss.

You're going to miss the touch of her fingers running through your hair.

The way her big bright eyes lit up when they met with yours.

The way her soft lips felt pressed up against yours.

Her constant worry.

Her beauty – In fact you might even realize that you never told her how beautiful she actually was.

The way she held onto your every word.

Her smell… her taste.

Her nagging… something that once annoyed you.

Her laugh, and her smile.

The way she had so much confidence in you.

But most of all, more than anything you'll miss all of things you thought you didn't like about her. You'll miss the bickering, and fighting. You'll miss the good, and the bad. You'll miss all of those precious moments that you had, although they didn't seem very precious at the time. All of those things that had been viewed before as bad or annoying, you'll now see with a different light.

When you let her go, you let go so much more than just anyone.

You'll come to realize that you let go of a rare beautiful glimmer of light, in this crazy unpalatable world.

Let The Rain Wash Away The Shit

I know the title of this article has probably struck many of you as odd, or maybe even inappropriate. What can I say, I've never really been fond of holding feelings inside, that includes using appropriate language for sensitive ears, and eyes. I'm sorry, but let me explain.

The reason I chose this title is because on my way to work the one morning I realized that my car was literally covered in bird shit. In the past I have compared my car being covered in bird shit to my life. Often times I will start to think that my life is quite similar to my car… always getting shit on. This obviously isn't entirely true but some days that is what it feels like, and I'm sure that many of you feel the same.

Anyways I was on my way to work pondering that very thought, and how my car was covered in disgustingness, and how it really needed washed. From that point my brain kept right on going… well if your life is like your car (covered in shit all the time) maybe you need to wash it to.

Maybe we all need a little rain shower in our life.. you know to wash away the shit. For you that shit could be work related, love related, family related.. whatever it is – Maybe we just need a good torrential down pour to somehow clean up what is underneath.

Personally I could use a good rain shower in every area you could imagine of life, but comparing it to my car somehow brought to my realisation how easy it really could be. It really could be as simple as giving my car a really good wash, and rinse.

If you break it down the shit that's all over your car could technically be broken down into categories such as the ones I listed above. But maybe they could even be broken down further… people that you hate, situations that are bothering you, feelings that you just can't seem to overcome. But what if you were to cut those things out.

This would be your "rain" – if you will. The cutting out of people, the escape from those battles, and overcoming the things that plague you daily. All of that would be that torrential down pour that your car needs to wash away the shit.

Maybe now that I have given you this explanation my title isn't so offensive. Maybe you have also realized that you also need a little rain in your life. I hope you get your rain soon to wash away all of the shit in your life. After all "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain", right?

21 Tell-Tale Signs You're Dealing with a Fuckboy

They’re hard to spot in a crowd but once you do… run.

1. He couldn’t careless about your wellbeing or respect your feelings. If you have developed real “feelings” for him, and tell him, he won’t care in the slightest.

2. He’s said “let’s just be friends,” but then indicates that he’s still physically attracted to you, and still wants “more” but only between the sheets.

3. He’ll never say he loves you. That’s too vulnerable for him.

4. He feeds you bullshit like “I love you as a friend.” The fuck does that even mean? If you are someone’s friend you wouldn’t expect to keep them at just enough distance to have sex with, but maintain a friendship. Sex without feelings….? No thanks.

5. He doesn’t remember important details of conversations you have previously had. If he truly cared about you, or anything you have said trust me… he would remember.

6. He runs when he hears “what are we?” He doesn’t want to go there, because you aren’t anything to him… nothing more than someone’s feelings to fuck with for his own satisfaction.

7. He gets super defensive if you mention the fact that he seems like a player… or that any of the above indicate that he may be a fuckboy.. OR if you mention the possibility that he might have someone else.

8. He’s the world’s worst texter and isn’t apologizing for it. He’s basically the king of one word answers and killing conversations with a random ‘cool’ to an entire paragraph you sent about your day.

9. And when he does text you he disappears for hours at a time. You’ve heard all the excuses “I was sick…” “I fell asleep”.. blah blah blah! We both know that more than likely isn’t the case.

10. He doesn’t return the affection that is shown. You just sent him 5,000 smoochy face emojis and all he says is “lol”…

11. Honestly, he’d be just fine going days without talking to you. Personally if I like someone enough then I wouldn’t let it ride out a couple days.. that would literally drive me nuts. If he can do it successfully that isn’t right.

12. And when you do finally talk, he’s shady when you ask what he’s been up to. He makes you feel like you’re pulling teeth to get some answers.

13. He doesn’t try to get to know you better as a person. He doesn’t want to know what your favorite flower is.. where your favourite place to go is… and so on.

14. You’ve never actually been seen in public together. Do you feel your seat slightly pushed back when you hop into his car?

15. He has zero compassion. He will hurt your feelings, or disrespect you and not give a flying fuck on how you feel about it.

16. He draws you in, just to push you back. Keeping you at an arm’s length distance in the way of feelings. He makes you feel like he has a lot of feelings for you, but he will quickly remind you that you are nothing more than a friend.

17. He trademarked the phrase, “I just want to be single right now.” If you want to be single… maaaaaybe you should not go around having sex with girls and making them think you slightly have feelings for them.

18. He doesn’t take you out to do fun things.. he takes you out to bang and that’s it. Why is that it? Because that’s all he wants.. and the chances that you are the only one he is pulling this kind of thing with are very slim.

19. He makes you feel worthless on the daily. He knows all of the tricks and techniques to keep you just close enough to let him in your pants, but far enough away that you aren’t in a relationship.

20. He can’t give you a logical explanation as to why he doesn’t want a full on relationship with you. He has never given you an exact reason, and he will probably even get too defensive to even answer if you ask.

21. He fits a subcategory of fuckboy. These sub-categories may include – but aren’t limited: an ass hole, dick head, sketch bag, liar, and so on.. and so forth.

This Is My Untold Story…

The vast majority of us have some sort of untold story, some deep dark secrets that we suppress daily. I'm hoping that by sharing mine it will bring strength, perhaps even hope that there are brighter days ahead. Maybe it will help someone to know that there is a glimmer of light at the end of that lightless tunnel they travel down. It is hard for me to actually think that there are currently children out there going through the same thing I did, if not worse. But there is hope, and I am living proof of that.

People who know me don't know my past, it is something I don't talk about.. in fact it is something that I try to forget everyday. The only thing that has changed my way of thinking surrounding that is this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOeQUwdAjE0

This was my life, aside from the physical beatings, and being placed into different forms of foster care. I was one of the lucky children who only came inches away from that fist in my face… or that sexual assault.. or being placed in other peoples I care. I was one of the lucky children who (thank god) had a great father willing to step up to the plate, and show me that there are great things in this world, and that I am capable of them.

This video describes exactly what I felt – the fear, the large responsibility you have to take on, and the feeling of hopelessness. If you are experiencing this now my heart is honestly with you. You should not be the one taking on such large responsibilities at such a young age due to a parents circumstance. I know that you are scared. Whether your fear is of your perpetrator, or of talking to someone about your circumstance. I felt your fear. I felt it every time I came home from school, and every night as I lay awake in bed listening to the arguing, and the violence that had become a part of my life. I felt it every time I saw that 24 case of Budweiser being carried through the front door.

I can't tell you how many times I lay awake back then and pray to god to take action. But I was a confused little girl. I didn't know if I wanted God to remove me from my Mother's care, or if I wanted him to remove me from the planet. I can't tell you how many times I wrote the words "I want to go home…" repeatedly in my diary. I can see those words vivid in my mind over, and over again. To me that place was never my home. That was not my family, because I had had a life before that with a family that was normal. Somehow I thought that I was living in a nightmare, it just didn't seem real. I told myself that – this was not my life. I felt your fear when I slept on a park bench once in the middle of winter, just so I could escape it all for one night.

There were certain things about the situation though that did benefit me into my future. Back then I took on the large role of looking after my little sister. I made sure that she was fed, that she got off to school safely, that she got tucked in at night. I sung her to sleep so that maybe she would have more peace of mind than I would. Those skills have helped me to be a great Mother to my children. Everything I witnessed showed me what I didn't want to become in my life.

I felt your fear when I lied to Child And Family Services about my situation. Why did I do this you might wonder. For someone so eager to be out of a very shitty situation this doesn't make much sense I know. But for the young age that I was my little brain was pondering the thought of what will my Mother think if I rat her out to these people. It was pondering what will happen to me if I tell… Where will I go? Little did I know that all of that didn't matter, because in the long run everything would reach a breaking point, and I wouldn't even have to say a word. If you are in this situation though, please just speak up.. don't be afraid.

Even when I was out of this situation all of those harsh words said to me, all of the things I saw, and all of the hurt I had still haunted me like some kind of ghost. I took out my frustration by starting to drink alcohol, expressing my anger through fights with loved ones, and even hurting myself physically. I felt numb. The only things I could feel were those harsh words that actually made me feel like there was truth in them. I began to feel like well, maybe I am "worthless", maybe I am "a waste of life", maybe I am a "cunt". I wanted to feel something, and what I felt like I deserved at that point was to be hurt, so that's what I did. Basically I punished myself because I thought that that is what I deserved, and nothing more.

The only things to wake me up from the way I was feeling was my sister, and realizing that I was becoming everything I never wanted to be. Her little eyes were still watching me – I had become her new image of what a mother is. Even though we were out of a shitty situation she was still watching me. I knew I was letting her down. It was then that I gave up the drinking, and acting out. The other thing that woke me up was my father showing me how hard work, and passion for the things that interest you can make a big difference in your life. He cared about me, and he worked so hard everyday to make sure that my siblings and I had some stability in our life. He became someone who I idolize, even now.

Please know that you can get through this, and that you aren't the only one experiencing it. I know you are scared, and rightfully so.. but when that opportunity comes for you to speak out – please take it. Do not cover up for anyone who has disrespected you, abused you, or taken advantage of you. You are strong, even if you are feeling hopeless now. You can get through this. This is my untold story.. what's yours?

To The Man Who Marries Me

I talk a lot about perfection in my writing, and how there is no such thing as perfection. Lately, I was thinking that maybe there is such thing as perfection… but maybe it just isn’t what people expect it to be. We grow up learning that perfection in a relationship is basically never arguing, never getting jealous, never getting on each other’s nerves. I’m not sure how this interpretation of perfect love came to be, but maybe perfect love is the complete opposite.

I am not society’s vision of a perfect woman in any way, shape, or form. Therefore if you fall in love with me, and you marry me please don’t expect that things are going to be this unrealistic perception of love, that everyone claims exists. All of those things I listed above that wouldn’t be qualified as “perfect” love, are things that you can expect will happen if you marry me.

I am clingy. I am jealous. And you are going to drive me nuts every once, and awhile.

I don’t doubt for a second that some of my qualities will also drive you nuts. In one of the other articles I wrote, (“I Know There’s A Girl Out There”) I said that I wanted to see girls comfortable to be who they are. I wrote that “I wanted to see girls with pimples, freckles, and scars”… This is my ideal image of what perfect love would look like. It would look real. It wouldn’t be warped and changed to suit what perfect looks like to everyone else.

I think Taylor Swift puts my thoughts into clear, concise lyrics, “Our song is a slamming screen door, sneaking out late tapping on your window,”. These lyrics sum up that all love is different, and perfect in its own way. If this scares you… if being a real human being and arguing, and not getting along 100% of the time scares you, then you should probably walk away now. This isn’t a happily ever after fairy tale you read when you were a kid. This is life, and as you may or may not have realized at this point in your life.. it is more like a teeter-totter. You can expect feelings to come balanced but sometimes’s more this, than that. You cannot be happy all of the time.

You might be thinking “Wow, this sounds really shitty”, and I can honestly see how some people might view it that way. After-all we did grow up watching Cinderella, Beauty & The Beast, and other fairy tale movies portraying how all’s well and ends well. After-all we did grow up thinking that a little blemish on our face was disgusting, or that a little extra body weight was abnormal. Am I right? Multiple Psychology tests have proven this vision of “perfect love” to be completely unrealistic, and perhaps even unhealthy. To broaden your spectrum of view on “real love”, check this out: http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/according-psychologists-couples-argue-love/

Will we be happy? Absolutely.

Just because it won’t be this unrealistic perception of “real love”, does not mean we won’t be happy. I expect you to respect me, and my feelings enough to be honest with me, and if that means you have to tell me I’m acting like an ass hole then fine – thank you. Thank you for being honest with me.

Will it be easy? No.

I am a blunt person. Sometimes words come out of my mouth so fast that it is hard to stop them. I am clingy but I also like my “me” time. Basically, you can take your vision of a “perfect” woman and you can probably say that I am the total opposite. I talk a lot, I care too much, I will tell you not to get flowers for me on Valentine’s Day and then be upset when I actually don’t get them. I am a real menstruating woman, a real person, with real “imperfections” (if you want to call them that).

I can’t promise you that I will be an unrealistic perception of perfect, I can’t promise you that I will be an unrealistic perception of a woman. I can promise you that what we will have will be something we will have to work on, something that we will have to build, and something that will grow. I can promise you that after everything… after the fights, and the differences of opinion, and me annoying the fuck out of you.. that I will love you as a real man. I don’t expect you to be Prince Charming. But I do expect your respect, and appreciation, and most of all your love in return.

If that is too much for you… if that scares you, then I’m sorry but it just won’t work.