Author: Amanda Stevenson

Dear college student, 

College has been going on now for about two-three months depending on your school. Now is about the time where many students are at the point of no return when it comes to motivation for classes or grades. 

Students have a rough time during their first semester at college. There are quite a few reasons for that, but one of the main causes is the new environment that the students are thrust into without much preparation. Another large factor for the students is homesickness. 

Of course that only applies to the students lucky enough to live in a dorm environment. College students that commute to campus do not have the issue of homesickness like their counterparts that live on campus. Students that commute to college have other sets of problems, though.

Students that drive to college everyday have the luxury of returning to their childhood rooms and beds every night. However, it is not all sunshine and rainbows when you factor in drive time from home for most of these students. Morning traffic is the worst, and you can’t forget that most freshmen have 8 a.m.  classes.

College students, dorm or not, are all forced to adapt to new people, places, teachers, and so much more. After eating lunch with the same people everyday for years, the thought of sitting alone is awful.

Not everyone from high school will attend the same college as the one you decided upon. That means saying goodbye to your best friend of twelve years before he/she moves away to a new school and ultimately a new life. College students must deal with change quickly.

Change is something that is frowned on in today’s society to the point where changing your hair color can cause some people panic attacks. Changed is so feared that people would rather stay in horrid situations rather than leave to change their life for the better. Change and college go hand in hand. 

One of the new changes students face is the classes that are taught. Back in high school, everyone knew how that one teacher taught while here you don’t know anything about these people. Students that were once honor kids are facing failure head on because of a change in how they are taught. 

Students must adapt to fit the college life. There are students that have never seen someone drunk, or students that were raised in crack houses. Now all of a sudden they are cast out into this place full of every type of person one could think. 

There will be students that drink. Some students will love the party life a bit too much. The library will always be full of students that are way to focused on work to have fun. The cheerleaders will be smart and always stressed in the fall semester. Band kids are always tired and annoyed in their 8:30 classes from lack of sleep. 

While some students take things too seriously, there will be those that are in the middle of the spectrum. Some students will like to go out and have fun while still passing all the classes. There will be those band, cheerleaders, and football players that graduate with high marks because of sheer determination.

One thing college has taught me is that you should never go in thinking you know what will happen. I started college with people that are no longer in my life that I would have sworn would always be with me. Things change. People aren’t always who they say they are. 

I wish that everyone will go to college with an open mind. You can make so many friends you never expected. The people you meet will be some of the best in your life from that point on. 

Signed,

a college student

P.S. I love you Yanni, Rhi, Baylee, Ariel, Gabi, Becca, and  Dakota. College wouldn’t be the same without you. 

It is finally October. That means that fall is upon us at last. October is the start of the holiday season which is the favorite time of year for most of the population. October has many of the things that are cherished most in life. 

It’s time for 31 reasons why October rocks. 

1. Pumpkin spice makes its long awaited return to us in the form of everything one can possibly imagine. 

2. October is the start of the fall season which means colder weather. 

3. You don’t have to worry about melting in the summer heat any longer.

4. The leaves start to change colors and make everything beautiful.

5.  There is a party out there for every personality type to enjoy.

6.  You meet so many people out at night now because walking around doesn’t kill you from heat stroke.

7.  When you walk on the orange leaves, they make a really cute crunch sound that I love.

8. Think of all the photo shoot opportunities that arise with the new appearance of the outside world.

9.  Flannel season has finally made its long awaited return for us, and all the girls know how good boys look in flannel.

10. Christmas and winter are all too close now.

11. You can eat candy for breakfast everyday, and no one can judge you because they are doing the same thing. 

12.  All of your favorite horror movies are put on TV again for this month. Let the screaming begin!

13.  More often than not, there is a friday the 13th in the month of October so it's extra spooky.

14. All of your couple friends will be stressed out thinking of a costume so they won’t have time to be all gross with their over the top PDA.

15. All of the fall date ideas on your Pinterest board can come to live now.

16. Your friend group has the option to do a huge group costume theme, and you will win the best friend group award if you can settle on an idea.

17. You have the option to dress up if you want, or don't because it is your life. 

18. If you dress up, you can dress up sexy, or stay true to your muse and recreate the beloved object as your dress up choice.

19. For some girls out there, colder weather means an end to shaving season. 

20. Colder weather also means it is time to shop for winter themed shopping trips.

21. No one will know if you don't wear a shirt under your hoodie. It’s such a mystery.

22. Pumpkin carving competition are real, and they rock.

23. Messy bun, leggings, and uggs become a staple in the female population once again.

24.  All of your favorite things now come in a pumpkin flavoring.

25. All the candy comes out to play in the stores.

26. Pecans start to fall, and we all know someone that makes an epic pie.

27. Cuffing season starts soon so get ready to find your soulmate. (I know I am.)

28. Decoration competitions are a thing, and they are awesome to see the final result. 

29. Everywhere you go someone will be giving out candy, and who doesn’t love free candy.

30. The Walking Dead returns to us for the much awaited season.

31. Stranger Things comes back with a vengeance. 

It was the last thing I expected to happen today. I never thought I would see your name on my phone screen again. I was comforted by that. 

In that second your name appeared, my heart raced and my lungs forgot how to work. My chest got tight, and all I could think of was why now after all this time.

I started shaking and was not able to pick up my phone. Should I open the message? Maybe it is important. I open it. Two letters, one word. HI

I drop my phone. Memories flood back to me like they just happened. I remember the crying, screaming, the fear. I remember you.

I remember your voice telling me to calm down. I remember your weight on my back. The sound of you telling me to shut up as you ignored my pleas to stop rings in my ears.

My lungs don't work even as I don’t reply to your message. I feel you holding me down again. I feel your hand on my wrist leaving your mark for me to hide.

My mind races as I try to think of why you want to speak to me now. I left you a long time ago. I  wanted to fix things with you before I left because you trained my mind to blame myself. 

After all the years of trying to please you and keep you happy, I had trained myself to enjoy that, to be happy like that. I wanted to be with you like I wanted to breathe.

You were the one to calm my fears, keep me from the thoughts that haunted me from 14 years old, and hold me together when everything else failed. I loved you.

You were the one person I could turn to in any situation. I trusted you with my life. I was so excited to spend forever with you. That’s all I had wanted for years. 

Our future was so bright and happy. Everything changed that night. I told you no before I went to sleep. I woke up to you doing exactly what I had begged you not to do to me. 

I called out to you to stop. I screamed at you to stop. You were on top of me. I tried to get away and move but you held me down. I wasn’t able to stop you. You had your way with me.  

I wanted a future together. I wanted you for the rest of my life. That all ended when you ignored my cries of pain and fear. All that went away when you raped me. 

The next morning, I couldn’t talk to you. You got mad at me for not speaking. I told you that you hurt me, and you promised not to do it again. You said you loved me. 

You did it again the next week, twice. I left you two weeks after that. I avioded talking to you, and I even tried to think of a way to stay with you.

I wanted to convince myself it was a fluke. You wouldn’t do that to me. You loved me. You terrified me. You had gotten my to convince myself that I was the problem. 

I didn’t do what you wished so I deserved you verbally abusing me. I didn’t look a certain way or I didn’t do a certain sexual thing you wanted so you went somewhere else. 

I didn’t deserve any of that. I didn’t deserve to have you verbally abuse me. I didn’t deserve for you to rape me. It wasn’t my fault, none of it. 

Now I have to live in fear that you will see me, find me, do it again. I live in fear of you and that’s not right. One day I won’t be afraid anymore. 

Memoirs of a Mistress

Breaking can take only moments, but healing takes time; an abundance of it.

Even a new life couldn’t breathe my love for you away, and even though I was healing I realized there were pieces still missing.

The piece that belonged to my first love was somewhere in your drawer of my old letters. The piece of me that held on to hope even when it was gone must’ve been tucked in your camis somewhere. The piece that loved you unconditionally was saved in my phone under a different name every week.

You got married that February to the girl I didn’t know.

We didn’t talk for a year then.

I thought I’d lost your number. I thought I’d sent your email to the junk file. I thought I was done watching your social media.

I thought my ocean waves were tame again. I thought I dictated my own currents. I thought your gravity no longer pulled on me. I thought I’d stay away from shore for good. I thought I’d never crash back and break again.

But the earth turned and the moon rotated and the sun fell away and I built myself into a tsunami.

I got your email.

You wanted to be friends?

It had been so long, of course I didn’t feel anything anymore right? I could tuck you into my friendship folder and not feel what I felt before.

It worked.

For a while we were friends. I supported you with the things you did. I encouraged you to talk to your wife and to show her how much you loved her. I asked you about your sweet son and I told you to tell him Happy Birthday for me. I prayed that you were safe when you’d go to work at night, and I’d check you when you said you got hit on by some old lady asking for your number.

I thought we were friends. I thought us talking was fine. I thought she was fine with us being friends.

But one day you said you “love me” and without even thinking I said “I love you too.”

The cycle began again that day.

I continued to build into a tsunami and it was dark and all I could see was my moon.

I gave you a timeline.

I gave you a choice.

I whispered things that I shouldn’t have because you were married and I had my own things going with a man I may have loved. I let my heart fill with possibility and I reasoned with my brain that I would be okay with either outcome. I told myself I would go against what anyone said because this was what I wanted. I wrapped myself up in your moonlit words and I laid down in your promise crater. I told myself I’d wait.

I’d wait because you knew me. You knew when to show up even without meaning to. You knew I’d pick the Salted Caramel creamer at the store on the phone. You knew that my relationship wouldn’t last because I needed more than what I was receiving. You knew I wouldn’t respond when he was around because he was jealous and I couldn’t have guy friends. You knew me so well, almost better than I knew myself.

But I knew you too. I knew that when you acted nonchalant about something that it was actually a big deal. I knew that every time you stopped texting back it was because you were home and so was the wife. I knew that when we talked on the phone for hours you were in your car just outside your housing community’s gate. I knew that when you got off the phone in a rushed and random way it was because she was home or calling or trying to reach you. I knew that when you said “she doesn’t care” it was a lie. I knew that you were hurting her. I knew that I was hurting her.

I pushed those feelings away. I told myself not to feel them because she was the one that stole you in the first place.

The girls in the blue overalls; the girl in the crème dress; the girl I didn’t know.

So I pushed you on that timeline. I made you consider your options; the benefits, and the downfalls.

I filled your craters with my own water promises and I wrapped my ocean around your moonlight with my words.

I was the ocean and you were my moon again.

“This time,” I thought, “I’ll bend him with my tide.”

We talked till two am the night before.

You made your choice.

We were going to make it work.

You were going to finally choose me.

We said goodnight.

You text me twenty minutes later and you told me that you told your wife.

You told me that you told her you wanted to be with me.

I asked you what she said.

She handed you a pregnancy test.

She’s pregnant again.

And with all the force I’d built up in the year we had been friends; all the force I had held together since I gave you the choice; all the force it took to push aside my feelings and her wellbeing…

With all that in my tsunami wave, I rushed in took everything with me as I did. I broke every foundation standing. I swept away the past and washed out every bit of hope I had left in me. The timeline that was written in the sand was erased within seconds and I didn’t look back as it happened. I felt every feeling I had held back: my guilt, my grief, my anger, my sadness, my joy, my brokenness. I let my tears feed that storm. I let my screams drown out the sound of myself breaking under the weight of myself. I let my laughter swell at the irony of it all. I felt my strength as I grabbed pieces of myself before they could drift away.

You went with that wave. I pushed you out of my orbit.

I pulled back all my moonlit words and frozen crater water so I could be full again. I reached every span of this earth, and here I will stay.

I will make my own currents; I will move myself as I please.

I will shift my own tides; I will pull and push when I feel like it.

I will rise on my own time; I will fall if I want to.

I will crash against my own waves; I will break and think nothing of it.

You say you’re so deep but I’m the fucking ocean and you’ve never known the possibility of my depths.

You claim your love will never go away, but watch as I drown that shit unapologetically in the shallows of my sea swells.

You said I was your choice, now look at my goddamn current as it takes away all your options.

You don’t get to be my moon anymore. You don’t get to shine on my beauty, because I’m beautiful all by my damn self.

You can’t have the sun and the ocean together because we counteract each other; if she shines to bright I’ll dry up. If I soak her she will dim. You’re only the moon. You’re smaller then us both and you can’t balance out two forces as big as we are.

To the sun:

 If you’re reading this I’m sorry.

If you had the courage to accept this olive branch; I’m sorry.

If I could turn my waves into glue I’d attach it to this letter in hopes it would suffice my own oceanic destruction. 

I only want peace for you both.

I don’t want to be the wave that washed away the glue that held your family together.

I wish I could fix what I played a part in breaking.

I’ve been broken before by this and now I’m the one doing the breaking.

I’ve fed flames with my promises and words.

I still don’t know you, but I can imagine the pain this caused because I felt it along the way too. Every time he chose you, since the very beginning. Every time I broke into a million pieces with every text he’d send. Every time I gave in and let him hurt you. Every time I let myself hope he’d leave and then realize I couldn’t be the cause of another person breaking any more.

I don’t know how far your rays reach, but I admire them. I don’t know how bright you can shine, but I can see you. I don’t know the temperature at which you burn, but I can feel your heat from where I am. I don’t what’s in your core, but it keeps you in place and I deeply admire that strength.

If I’ve broken things even more by writing this story here, I’m sorry a million times over.

I hope you have your pieces.

I pray you keep them safe now.

I will never be a part of breaking you again.

Again:

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

Memoirs of a Side Chick

If we don’t get caught as we fall we experience something called breaking.

I broke that day. I broke into these big shards of who I was when I was with you.

On one piece was my heart; the other my head; my lungs lie separately, one next to the other; my eye pieces were face down so I couldn’t see; my soul was stained on every one of those.

I got up and struggled to connect my two lungs so I could at least breathe in my sorrow.

I broke again two days later when you text me and told me you “loved me” and that you “missed us.”

I think the biggest piece of me broke through around the 20th, when the pictures were posted. You know, the ones in uniform with her in the cream dress. She looked so happy; that girl I didn’t know.

The girl in the blue overalls; with the really pretty eyes and the height that fit yours just right.

I didn’t find the will to get up for three days; the weight of a year and a half crushing my lungs as if each day weighed a ton. Every breath of air felt like an inhalation of water and I drowned in my own tears.

Eventually though I got back up, and I started picking up the pieces. I stuck my lungs back together and put my heart in between them. My soul expanded between those pieces and I searched for my head. I put it on my shoulders and got my eyes to see the road ahead again.

But you kept tripping me, and with every text that brokenness returned.

Part of me appreciated that you seemed to care how I was doing. Part of me wanted to play this secret game you kept restarting. Part of me believed that you still loved me and that your love for her was temporary. You told me ours was forever.

But the posts kept coming. Entire poems on Instagram proclaiming your love for that girl I didn’t know. More proof that she actually came before I did; that she stole your heart before it was ever mine.

How easy it was to fall back into it with you.

To fall back and to rise up like an ocean tide turned by the moon.

I was the ocean and you were the moon and the stars were the distance and there were galaxies between us.

And she was your sun.

For two years I obeyed your gravity.

When I was up I would pull back out again till I returned crashing onto the shore.

For two years you promised I was still yours, even though I never gave myself back.

You had us both and she had you and I had nothing.

Even in my relationship you dictated my currents and I fell out of love with him for you again.

I’ve lost count of how many times we reconnected in that time. I felt guilty more often than not and I would leave because I grew to hate myself for being the chick on the side. You told me she knew and that it was okay, that she wouldn’t leave because she was nice and she loved you. You said you were unhappy.

January 2015 came and you sent a text I thought would finally end the cycle:

“She’s pregnant.”

I said congrats.

I said bye.

I picked myself up and glued myself back together.

I left.

I keep telling myself that we’ve only got this one life; and that everything between birth and death is up to us. We get to decide what we wear every day. We decide what to eat, who to talk to, where to go. Essentially we decide our life-course up until we hit that point in our lives where we fall in love. I don’t think we choose who we fall for. I think that part of life is already written and we just have to strap ourselves in and hope for dear life that someone catches us.

I fell at 15.

I hit the floor in front of a boy in combat boots with a future so bright it knocked the wind out of me.

He was a Marine, and he was 18. He was everything to me.

We spent hours talking on the phone, and sometimes we didn’t even talk at all. We’d fall asleep beneath the same sky and dream about arms that were so far but breath that was so close.

When your feelings are this deep at only 15, not even a quarter of the way through life, it’s a cause for the concern of every single adult around you. Especially your mother.

She told me I was young and crazy and that it was okay to feel. She said: “Everybody has their first love around your age.”

He was my first.

He is my current.

He was my future.

After a year he left for boot camp and my heart committed itself to sappy love letters and country songs about marrying a military man.

Smitten, I closed my eyes as I scrolled past the girl with the blue overalls who posted a picture of herself and an all too familiar face with the caption: “I miss you” to my Marine’s Facebook page.

I turned 16 on October 3rd and I was still in free-fall.

I got a phone call from a government number and his voice dripped through the speaker straight into my all too eager heart. Bootcamp was over and he would be home soon.

He said he had to go; he hung up; he made another phone call.

Nine days passed and with each moonrise our conversations became as distant as stars.

The call log in my phone only boasted minutes each day under his contact. Our silence was spanned across galaxies; with arms too far and breath to shallow to hear till the receiver clicked off.

I wrote him an email.

I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.

I told him maybe we just needed space to see if the separation would bring us back together.

Facebook confirmed I was wrong.

October 12th, 2013.

In a relationship.

With the girl in blue overalls.

Dear American media, 

Kylie Jenner’s name is in every headline I have seen since Friday. 

Why is it a hot topic of conversation when a girl gets pregnant? So she is famous, why does that matter? 

Kylie Jenner has been a household name for over ten years now. She was just a little kid when fame was on her door step.

She had no idea what would happen to her life when the show started. She couldn't have known.

Since then she has gone on to make millions, start a company, and become a beautiful woman.

Yes, she is young. Yes, she is famous. No, that doesn't give America the right to tear her apart.

Since when is a famous girl getting pregnant anything new? Women get pregnant all the time.

Kylie is a young girl that is doing far better then any other 20 year old I know. 

Her life is better than most at that age, and she is only two years older than me. 

Kylie has the world at her feet. Lately, the world has been cruel. 

Social media has taken over what was supposed to be the best time of her life so far. 

Perhaps she had planed to keep the baby a secret for a bit longer. Perhaps the rumors are false. She hasn't commented on them yet. 

Twitter has overtaken the timelines with chicken memes of Kylie. Let her live her life.

The world watched as all the Kardashian sisters grew up, got married, and have kids. 

The world loves them and hates them. Kylie’s baby will be famous before it is even born. 

Fame is fleeting, but it is here to stay for the sisters’ and their families. 

The point is, if you don't care about the girl next door having a baby, don't make the world freak out over a star having a baby. 

Every situation is different in its own way. America needs to respect that. 

And for everyone that supports her and her life choices, you are brilliant people with an open mind on life. 

If you are one of the people being overly negative, take a step back and wonder why you feel so strongly over this. 

Signed,

A girl that doesn't understand 

Dear Florida,

Let me start off by saying how strong you are. You stood up to one of the worst Hurricanes in years. 

Irma was not a hurricane that was to be taken lightly. She was a force to be reckoned with.

Irma came to you and tore some of your most treasured things apart. 

You will rebuilt. You will come out stronger than ever out of this tragedy.

I wish you a fast recovery. Hurricanes aren't something to be taken lightly.

Though I don't know anyone that resides in you, I do know the fury of a hurricane. 

Florida, Hurricanes like to target you. You just got the unlucky draw. 

Hurricanes seem bent on turning things of beauty into things that used to be.Florida, you are full of beauty.

With all of the beautiful beaches and swamps and more, hurricanes are certain to hit you.

You see the likes of every time of person year round.  The people love you. 

Things that are treasured and loved always seem to be the target of a tragedy. 

Hurricanes are a threat around the height of your season which is when most of the beauty you hold shines through. 

Hurricane season is a season that you know well. The time of year is always a game of chance.

Games of chance are never fun, and there is always going to be a loser. However, there is a silver lining.

The people that reside within the boundaries you hold are full of love. They all have hearts of gold.

When tragedy hits, the people within your realm come together to ensure the safety of total strangers.

Strangers will become friends, friends will become closer, enemies put their differences aside for the sake of necessity.

When tragedy hits, everything changes. People will show their true colors a lot sooner.

Florida, you will bounce back from this. You and the people that love and support you will ensure that you recover as you should.

The country was torn apart when hurricanes like Katrina, Harvey, Irma, or any of the other hit landfall. Everyone came together as one to help each other. 

This won’t change anytime soon. We all stand together.

Hurricanes will not stop appearing and leaving chaos in their wake. It is not their nature.

But the nature of your people is to be kind and to look out for one another in times of need.

The country stands by you Florida. You will recover and be better than before. 

Florida, we stand with you. 

Signed,

Someone that went through Katrina  

Dear blind girl,

You aren't alone. There are lots of girls like you. 

You look around, and all you see are girls that are beautiful.

You see girls that walk around like the own the world or have it all.

Well, guess what? They don't have it all. No one does.

Those girls may be beautiful. But so are you. You just can't see it.

You walk around and see all these girls with their perfect hair and makeup.

Well, guess what? They don't look like that naturally. 

No girl looks perfect. Know why? There is no perfect. 

Perfect is different to everyone that has a thought in their head.

Some girls see perfect as getting all the boys. That's not what beauty means. 

And dear blind girl, please don't let a boy tell you how to look.

A boy will tell you to change everything about yourself to please him. Don't. 

The right boy will tell you not to change a thing. You are perfect the way you are. You are you.

You may not be the girl that always has a boyfriend. 

You may not be the girl that has lots of likes on her selfies on Instagram.

You may not be the girl that always has a date. 

You may not be the girl that gets married before she turns twenty-two.

You may be the girl that has never been in a relationship. 

You may not be the world’s version of the girl that everyone wants.

You don't need to be that girl. 

Blind girl, you are beautiful. You are special.

You don't need Instagram, dates, or anyone to tell you that you are beautiful.

Dear blind girl, remember your worth. You are important. 

You are in charge of your life, and no one else gets to say how you look. 

Blind girl, beauty isn't all about how you look. 

Beauty is something that comes from you.

If you love telling jokes, then your beauty will come from your  laugh and smile. 

Beauty is how you treat others. Even if you look like a model, you can still be ugly. Be nice.

Beauty is something that you have blind girl. 

Beautiful girls don't see their own beauty. You don't see inside yourself in a mirror. 

Blind girl, beauty comes from the inside. 

You aren't beautiful because someone tells you that you look good.

You aren't beautiful because you get likes on social media.

You are beautiful because you love to be yourself.

You are beautiful because you don't let people tell you how to be you. 

You don't let anyone dull your sparkle even when you feel dirt. 

Dear blind girl, don't let the world get you down. Be yourself. Love yourself. You are beautiful.

Signed, 

A girl that used to be blind