Author: Amanda Stevenson

You are the one that I lay awake at night dreaming of. The one who holds my heart… the only one that has truly ever had my all. 

You were supposed to be my Prince Charming, my happily ever after. You were my clarity, the one person that I could count on. 

That was all before, though. Before the drugs, before your friend’s thoughts about me mattered more than what you thought about me, before the seed of doubt of was planted, before you left, and before you stole my heart and my mind before you ruined my image of love forever.

It wasn’t all bad; in fact, that’s why I keep coming back to you. 

You would leave me for another girl every other week, but you would always come back to me. 

You would say the worst things about me without hearing my side of the story, only your friend’s side mattered. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst. 

You ruined my image of love. 

For years, I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. You scared me when you were mad. I was always second guessing how you felt about me. 

You said you loved me, but your actions said another thing. I loved you with everything that I had, and the thought of losing you made me mentally and physically shut down. You were my world, and you said I was yours. 

You were my Prince Charming but only when it was good for you. I wanted so badly to be loved by you that I let you use me however you pleased. 

I stuck by you when everyone else, my friends and yours, told me to leave you. Because you were my Clarity, but our love was never anything more than a Tragedy.

We all started our journeys four years ago together. We were 14 or 15, and we thought we knew it all. High school was supposed to be the best time of Our lives. And it was for some of us. And for others, most of Us regret many parts of you. Freshmen year was innocent, and it taught us to learn new things.We all got lost in the halls, and it took a while to make friends. Those friends that we had throughout the early years left us alone. We all wanted to be someone.  

Sophomore year was almost the same. We had a little more freedom. We were still considered the Underclass men by the teachers, juniors, and seniors. Classes got harder. Some of us found love. Most of us longed for it. We all started to have more drama in our lives. We fell into a routine. It got normalized. We thought we knew it all then. We wanted to leave so much.  

Junior year was a pain. Reality started to hit us all hard. Couples broke up, and friends drifted apart. We were never the same. We were so close to being done with school, and we still had time left. We had to take a million tests. We had to prep for college. Everyone wanted us to think about our futures. We waited on baited breathe for senior year. Then, it happened. Senior year started in August. We only had a few months left here. We waited so long for this moment. 

It isn’t something to be taken lightly. You are so ready to leave your hometown for college. This is the last year you have with you friends. This is the last year being your parents baby. This is the last time you see everyone you have known since kindergarten. This is the last time you will be the person you are now. People do change after high school. Friends that promised to be there won’t be. But you know what? You need to LOVE every moment of your last year. That test you failed won’t matter soon. You didn’t have a prom date? No one cares, just go. You will miss it. Make friends. Take pictures. Don’t let a moment go. You won’t get them back. Senior year is stress, college, and pressure. Senior year is heartbreak and disappointment. Senior year is also magical and deserves to be loved. Don’t rush off too soon.

There was once a time when if someone asked me if I would love a man addicted to drugs, I would have laughed in their face. If someone asked me that now, I would probably be unable to speak. 

We started our journey together almost four years ago now. Looking back on it, the start was perfect for us. We had met years before with you instantly being smitten with me. It took me longer to see the charm that you had. I never would have dreamed I would fall in love with you if you would have asked me on the day we met.

Our love began innocent enough. You had loved me for years, and I had just revealed my feelings for you. You were sweet, funny, and you treated me like queen. I simply adored you. That all was soon to take a turn for the worst. I was totally blindsided. 

Our first year together brought on lies, cheating on your part, and lots of crying on mine. We made it through after all that. Then came the second year. That was the year that you decided to start to do drugs. It really wasn’t bad at first. It was a hobby, and you said you could stop if you wanted. I trusted you.

Flash forward to the last two years, you got addicted to those drugs, and even got me to try it once or twice. It wasn't for me so I stopped. You never did. You started doing other kinds of drugs. You started keeping a list of things you did that I wasn’t allowed to do. You changed into a drug addict that I was hopelessly in love with. I stayed with you through all that. 

There was one night when I begged you to stop. You were not the same person I fell in love with. The thought of leaving you killed me. To this day, thinking of me hurting you makes my chest tight. I made you pick me or the drugs. You said you would stop, and we could be okay again. That’s all I wanted. I always only ever wanted you. You lied to me. You didn’t stop. You hid it from me. Staying with you was going to kill me.

So I left you. I still can’t think of you and not fight back tears. You were the first person to love me for me, and Divine knows I loved you. I just hope that the drugs were worth it.  So after all that we went through, I lost you, the first person I ever loved.