Author: Amanda Ramirez

Jen Welter coaching the linebackers for Arizona Cardinals during pre-season is probably one of the coolest things you’ll hear all summer.

You’re probably not a huge sports fan. Up until twenty minutes ago, you had no idea what state the Cardinals even played for. What the hell is a linebacker? What sport is this actually?

So you’re definitely wondering why you should give a shit about a woman in sports.

You should give a shit because she’s a woman in a position of relative power in a male dominated environment, and she is going to slay.

Welter – who was awarded the position on the 27th of July – is the first female to be acknowledged as an NFL coach ever, and the first to join Becky Hammon – the assistant coach of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs – in the ranks of women coaching men’s teams.

She has a Masters in Sports Psychology, a PhD. in Psychology, and played professional football for 14 years in a women’s league. She is literally all that and a bag of chips.

Many people believe that, because she is a woman, she won’t be able to do this job, but Cardinals Head Coach Bruce Arians is having none of that: “Coaching is nothing more than teaching. One thing I have learned from players is, ‘How are you going to make me better? If you can make me better, I don’t care if you’re the Green Hornet.’”

This is an incredible step for women’s rights and equality… And it’s not the only step forward we’ve seen this year.

Caitlyn Jenner came out as a transgender woman this past April.

Same-sex marriage was legalized across the United States this past June.

Laverne Cox was the first transgender person to be nominated for an Emmy in the 56 years they’ve been hosted.

Did you recognize any of this for how incredible it was? You probably didn’t. Because everyone’s been telling you that it isn’t going to happen. There will always be that one guy.

But as Catilyn, Jen, Laverne, and the rest of the nation have shown, that one guy doesn’t matter anymore.

So, no, you don’t like sports. You think most of them are incredibly boring and couldn’t give any less of a shit about the NFL if you tried.

But Welter’s achievements, no matter how small the cranky internet trolls try to make them, are something to be celebrated by the privileged and the disenfranchised alike.

Caitlyn Jenner is your hero.

Laverne Cox is your hero.

Becky Hammon is your hero.

Jen Welter is your new hero.

There’s so much more that needs to be done. Racism and sexism and transphobia are still very much present in our everyday lives but this, right here, is just another step forward in what is hopefully the right direction.

And if you have to drag the internet dude-bros kicking and screaming behind you, so be it.

For some reason, being extremely confident in yourself puts people on edge.

Is it the fact that you believe in yourself so much that, no matter what they say, other people can’t bring you down? Probably. You’ll never know.

1. Being extremely self-confident is synonymous with being a huge asshole.

Some people think that being overly self-confident translates into thinking you’re better than everyone else.

Lies. All lies.

2. Other people’s feelings don’t mean anything to them.

Confident people call it like they see it and some people don’t like that. You’re not trying to be mean, you’re trying to be honest.

3. Self-confident people don’t care about people that are self-conscious.

You just wish that more people realized how completely and utterly rad they are.

4. Extremely confident people are over-compensating for the fact that they’re actually really insecure.

Everyone gets insecure sometimes. You’re just better at hiding it

5. And, because they’re better at hiding it, it means that they’re faker than a perfect tan in the middle of December.

Now, that’s just a mean assumption to make, don’t you think?

6. These people have always been this way.

Confidence in yourself is something everyone has the day they’re born.

And then the world steps in and makes you feel less than the perfectly amazing human being you are.

7. They’re so sure of themselves, they think they’re #flawless.

You know your flaws and you know how to work around them because, listen – being Beyoncé is hard work.

8. Humble and modest are not words one can associate with self-confident people.

Confidence and humility are not mutually exclusive! Some people can be humble and confident! And some people can be confident and giant douchelords!

We’re all different!

9. Confident people cannot handle being criticized.

There’s a big different between constructive criticism and being an asshole. Confident people can tell the difference.

10. All self-confident people are ridiculously loud extroverts.

Extroverts don’t hold the monopoly on confidence! Anyone can be confident, even people that prefer to sit and knit all day long.

11. People that are extremely self-confident are also extremely vain.

But you can be confident about a lot of different things!

And, if what you’re most confident about happens to be your looks or your fashion sense, then that’s great!

12. They’ve never had to work hard to be well-liked or successful.

Extremely self-confident people like you have built themselves from the ground up.

People think you’re fake and arrogant just because you believe yourself.

You have worked very hard to get here.

The life of an introvert is a relaxing one: we like our beds and our homes and our quiet little get-togethers.

But there are times where we feel left out – like life is going on without us. So our friends ask if we wanna go out with them. And we say yes.

And we regret every single fucking moment.

1. Going out to the bar with your friends is going to be the most fun you’ve had in forever!!!

So much better than sitting at home with your paintings and blanket forts…

2. Everything will be perfect! You’ll drink and dance and hang out together; it’ll be the perfect girls’ night.

You completely disregard all those other times you got left in the bathroom because they forgot you were there.

3. The loud music and drunken stumbling and the yesterday’s lunch smell is definitely your scene.

It’s the only scene, if you’re being honest. Who doesn’t love it when their shoes get stuck to the floor?

4. You’re gonna go all out tonight – order all the drinks and talk to all the people and put yourself out there.

You’re gonna sit at the bar with some fruity cocktail and pray for cellphone service.

5. When your friends ask you to dance, you’re gonna bust out all of your best moves and leave your mark.

When was the last time you danced? It might’ve been in front of your mirror, in your underwear.

6. That hot slice of man cake at the end of the bar has been making eyes at you – you’re totally gonna go talk to him.

Oh no, your legs suddenly don’t seem to be working, oh no, guess you can’t go talk to him, oh nooo.

7. So he decided to save you the trouble and come talk to you, this is your chance, you’re making moves.

No hablo Ingles.

8. It’s completely okay that you’ve lost every single one of your friends to the horde of drunken bar crawlers.

You’re a big kid now. You can take care of yourself. You haven’t been hiding in the bathroom for twenty minutes…

9. You are so proud of your BFF for finding the most attractive person in the place to drink and dance with.

It’s not like they invited you here or anything.

10. They look a little tired, you’ve just been having so much fun, you don’t want to leave, but it’s getting late.

They wanna stay? Cool. Great.

11. Forget it, you’re not going to be a party pooper; you’ll stay out as long as your friends want!

How much do you think an Uber would cost from here? Would it just be easier to walk?

You’ll be hanging out with a box of wine and a book if they need you.

You’ve probably seen us; those people stuck in the library at 4AM the day before a big paper is due surrounded by cheesy bread boxes and Red Bull.

And you’ve probably heard things, too.

1. We are the laziest people you will ever meet in your life.

We’re not avoiding this paper because we’re too lazy to do it; we’re avoiding it because there are better things we could be doing. Like Netflix. And dinner.

2. We avoid things as an act of rebellion.

It’s not rebellion. We’d just rather go on an awful Tinder date than, well, do that.

3. Procrastinating negatively effects all aspects of our lives.

Mastering the Art of Procrastination means mastering the art of never being late.

We will never keep you waiting. It’s how we’re programmed.

4. We give up on things very quickly.

Procrastinators generally know their limits. A procrastinator will not engage in something we know we can’t do and we will admit when we can’t accomplish a task.

(Mostly because we don’t want the responsibility of fucking up.)

5. Our procrastinating means that we never accomplish anything worthwhile.

Have you ever watched a procrastinator in action?

We will clean every toilet in the house before we even consider doing that project.

6. Procrastinating is a compulsion.

Maybe there’s some truth in this, but, at the end of the day, we will get that shit done.

We will get it done on time, too.

7. Procrastination leads to the development of anxiety and depression.

Most procrastinators are literally the chillest little shits you will ever meet. We are an exceptional breed.

8. We go into projects with the intent of procrastinating.

Our intentions are pure and our logic is sound, but our execution is… Debatable.

9. People assume that procrastination leads to poor health and hygiene habits.

Yes, we will procrastinate taking a shower.

No, we will not turn into habitual cavemen.

10. We are less intelligent and less capable at our jobs.

Procrastinators are actually considered to be extremely creative and are generally more productive (despite the fact that we avoid the one thing that needs doing.)

11. Approaching deadlines freak us the fuck out.

In actuality, deadlines fill us with the (probably inappropriate) need to see how close we can get to it without actually handing in anything late.

12. We are unreliable and careless.

People that procrastinate tend to do super well under pressure

13. Additionally, all work that we produce is half-assed.

A lot of procrastinators are actually self-professed perfectionists.

This procrastinator will not hand you shit on a platter.

It’s just not how we’re programmed.

You’re okay with being single. You are. It actually doesn’t bother you as much as you thought it might.

Until you end up being the only single friend in a squad of couples. That’s a little different…

1. In the mornings, when they get cute good morning texts.
2. But you get morning texts, too!
3. (From your bank, about your account balance being too low.)
4. On those especially cold nights when they’re cuddling with each other…
5. And you have your $5 Target blanket and one of your BFF’s abandoned carnival prizes.
6. Who do you have to win you carnival prizes?
7. (Not that you can’t win yourself one, but it’s the principle of the thing.)
8. Who are you supposed to kiss on New Year’s?
9. The answer is absolutely no one, but all your friends get to make out, so that’s cool.
10. It’s Valentine’s Day and all you want to do is go see a dumb movie.
11. But all of your friends are on dates.
12. Your BFF’s boyfriend bought her pastel roses and a cuddly teddy bear.
13. You bought yourself a bag of Skittles.
14. (For the movie that you’re going to, by yourself.)
15. But wait! You’ve convinced at least one couple to go to the movies with you!
16. And now they’re cuddling.
17. You have no one to make ridiculous commentary to.
18. When you go out to eat afterwards and the waiter asks how you’re splitting the bill.
19. They fight over whose turn it is to pay.
20. You pull out a $20 and wait.
21. You all decide to go out to the club and your friends are grinding on the dancefloor.
22. You’re standing at the bar, debating between stabbing yourself with your own stiletto…
23. Or conning unattractive bar crawlers into paying attention to you.
24. Every time you go somewhere, you end up sitting by yourself or in the corner –
25. At the head of the table in restaurants…
26. With a stranger on amusement park rides…
27. Smooshed into a corner in the Uber…
28. They think they’re being quiet while they drunkenly hook up in the next room over.
29. Except, they’re not. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
30. You don’t know if you want an S.O. to get back at them or to run away.
31. When you end up taking your sister to any event that involves a plus one.
32. Slow dances involve you sitting at the bar and avoiding all eye-contact.
33. Every single time you end up at a place with one of those little photo booth things.
34. All of their photos are kissy faces and nose touching.
35. All of yours are you and the empty seat next to you.
36. (Or, even better, you and them.)
37. That one time they were wearing matching clothing.
38. You don’t want someone to match with, too…
39. No, you needed someone to throw up about it
40. Unfortunately, you’ve whined and complained so much they’re trying to set you up with people now.
41. Suddenly, every Christmas party has way too much mistletoe.
42. And not enough places for you to hide.
43. They’re not interested in making out on the dancefloor anymore.
44. Now, they’re at the bar, chatting you up to unattractive bar crawlers.
45. If there was a moment you desperately wished you weren’t the only single friend…
46. This is it.

At the start of the summer, you made yourself a lot of promises and you had a lot of goals to meet – you started every morning with a clear goal in mind.

Now, whether or not that morning started at 6AM or two in the afternoon, is irrelevant.

1. Today, you’re gonna get up early and make yourself a good breakfast and watch the sun rise.

Today, you woke up at three in the afternoon, had a bar of chocolate, and never opened the curtains.

2. It’s only May! You’re gonna head to the gym and get that body of yours beach ready!

It’s almost August and you haven’t stopped eating pizza.

3. The sun is shining and your parents got new patio furniture – you’re gonna go outside and tan.

It’s how many degrees? You’re okay with looking like a ghost for the rest of the summer.

4. You haven’t seen your friends in a while, so you’ve decided that today is a beach day.

Your friends think you’re dead and you’ve forgotten what the outside world looks like.

5. Today is a make-up and nice hair kind of day!

Except the sun is gonna melt your face off. You’ll just wear the same tank top and short-shorts you’ve been wearing for the past week.

6. You’re gonna be responsible and apply for scholarships and grad school and internships for the fall.

Why would you do that? Summer is for fun. That’s not fun.

7. Summer is for reckless abandon and adventure! You’re gonna stay out all night and party!

Wait, there’s a Criminal Minds marathon tonight? Never mind.

8. You’re gonna learn how to waterski today. You’re gonna learn how to surf today. You’re gonna learn how to sail a boat today.

Today, you perfected the amount of time it takes to microwave Bagel Bites.

9. There’s so much of the world you haven’t seen! You’re gonna go hiking! You’re gonna explore!

You’re gonna maybe hide under a tree in the park down the road. Maybe.

10. You spent so much money during the year, so you’re gonna go get a job at the local pool today.

You just spent $60 on Amazon, but it was free shipping, so it’s fine.

11. It’s a rainy day, so you’re gonna catch up on your TV shows and all those books you wanted to read.

This is the fourth time you’ve rewatched Friends in a month.

12. Being on vacation is so productive and relaxing! You never want to go back to work/school again!

Being on vacation is awful, you have done absolutely nothing, you need to go back to work/school.

When that douchelord you called a boyfriend dumped you, you were probably devastated. And rightfully so because, the way he did it? Not cool.

But what’s worse than him leaving you is – you’re probably telling yourself a lot of things that aren’t true.

1. He broke up with you because you did something wrong or you weren’t good enough.

No he didn’t. He broke up with you because he’s an asshole.

2. If you just give him the space he says he needs, he’ll come back to you when he’s ready.

And, if he does, he’s just going to pull another 180 and dump you over something dumb later on.

3. You have to change absolutely everything about yourself if you ever hope to attract another boy ever again.

You are beautiful and wonderful and goddamn fabulous and he is trash.

4. He was perfect, he was the one, he was supposed to be the person you spent the rest of your life with.

If you keep telling yourself that lie, you’ll never be able to think anyone else is perfect again, and where does that leave you?

5. No one will ever love you the way he did.

Considering the way he dumped you, did he ever love you to begin with?

6. Alternately: there’s no possible way you can love again!

You are perfectly capable of slapping a bandaid on that bruised little heart of yours and keeping it safe for someone that’s actually worth it.

7. You absolutely have to give back everything he ever gave you because it’s the right thing to do.

A. He doesn’t want them. Promise.

B. Um, no girl, that hoodie is yours now.

8. None of your friends are going to like you anymore because he was your better half.

Chances are, your friends are probably throwing a secret party about how happy they are that he’s gone.

9. You’re never going to be able to listen to that song or watch that movie or eat at that restaurant without thinking of him.

Yes you will, because bad memories fade, but pizza is forever.

10. Giving up on love is the only option you have left.

Maybe just give up on dating douchelords, perhaps?

11. You absolutely have to salvage friendship because, at the end of the day, his friendship is what really matters to you.

False. Let him fade out of your life. Friends don’t treat friends the way he treated you.

There’s a reason we’re calling him a douchelord and not simply your ex.

The Squad does everything together, which is what makes spending time without each other the absolute hardest thing ever.

So someone gets desperate enough to pick a house that’s close to everyone and it all goes downhill from there.

1. When you’re at home alone, you revert back to your potato-chip eating, Netflix binge-watching self #lonewolf
2. Once you reunite, everyone falls back into the same roles: the leader, tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum, the “sensible one,” the one who’s bat-shit insane, etc.
3. The Planning Stage is where the crazy starts: your phone will not stop going off with group texts and Facebook event invites.
4. There’s always the one person that literally never responds, so you just assume they’ll show.
5. No one ever knows who to hug first, so it turns into a giant pile of ridiculous 20-somethings.
6. Everyone takes a selfie with everyone because were you really together if there isn’t photographic proof?
7. Despite the fact that you’ve been communicating via Snapchat all summer, everyone needs to retell everything that happened in vivid detail.
8. From that time in May when they tripped down the stairs to every single place they threw up on Fourth of July.
9. You don’t leave on time. You don’t even end up at the right place.
10. Any and all plans are quickly abandoned.
11. Instead of going to the bar like you planned, you all end up laying in the front yard surrounded by empty beer cans…
12. Undoubtedly disturbing the neighbors because you’re all screaming about how much you missed each other.
13. The Leader tries to keep control of everyone, fails, gets shit-faced instead.
14. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum have wandered away. They are lost. No one knows where they are.
15. The “Sensible One” is avoiding everyone by sipping a soda way in the back and making fun of you.
16. The Bat-Shit Insane one is crying. No one knows why. No one ever knows why.
17. You all end up sleeping on top of each other on the floor of the living room because you’re that drunk and The Squad is always ready for an impromptu cuddle sesh.
18. If you manage to wake up the next morning, the kitchen of whoever’s house you’ve invaded becomes Ground Zero real quick.
19. Just imagine how a kitchen might look after cooking breakfast for a small, ravenous army.
20. Leaving doesn’t suck as much because, if you can manage to get The Squad together to get drunk, you can probably get them together for anything.
21. Someone inevitably suggests that you probably don’t need to make a Facebook event next time.
22. Next time comes: your phone is blowing up with Facebook invites. Right on cue.

The first time you ever made super vague plans to travel around the world, it was probably with your best friend, and you were probably really excited about it.

What if someone told you that it would be best to travel without your BFF, though?

1. This will probably be the first time ever where you can do anything you want without wondering if your BFF would wanna do it, too.
2. But you’ll also try to find all the things she would’ve loved to see (that maybe you didn’t really care for, but you make yourself do anyway), so it’s almost like letting her like vicariously through you.
3. It proves to yourself that, even when she’s an ocean away, she always comes first in your heart (aww.)
4. And, well, BFFs fight, so now your (probably really dumb) arguments won’t spoil anyone’s mood.
5. There will never be a point where you have to take care of your drunken best friend because she decided to do tequila shots with some Australians at the pub.
6. Now, you have to learn how to take care of yourself without her… Because you decided to do tequila shots with some Australians at the pub.
7. You will always have a story to tell her because she won’t be there to experience it with you.
8. And she’ll always have a story to tell you, like how she finally told that douchelord of hers to pack his bags (you’ll buy her an extra nice souvenir for that.)
9. You’ll become better, more efficient communicators, because you can totally count on her to blow up your phone whenever you find service.
10. Instead of being attached at the hip, you’re forced to try new things and make new friends on your own.
11. There’s no hiding behind your BFF when that one dude from Portugal tries to flirt with you in a language that you do not understand at all.
12. Suddenly, you’re both significantly more proactive when it comes to making plans with each other, because now you know that, one day, you won’t be together all the time.
13. Both of you will grow as separate people for what will probably be the first time in a really long time.
14. Despite how sad you might be to leave all of the beautiful places and things you’ve experienced behind, going home will never be as sad as it could’ve been if you didn’t have her to go back to.
15. You’ll both be almost completely different people by the time you come back, people that you might not have become if she had come with you.
16. But, no matter how different you are, it’ll always be like returning from the war to find your star-crossed lover at the terminal, waiting for you after all this time.
17. Cue slow motion airport hugs.

Almost everyone has fantisized about moving out of their parent’s house and striking out on their own.

And, when you finally do it, it’s exhilirating, it’s exciting…

Until your parents leave you with your unpacked boxes and you have to convince yourself that it’s gonna be juuuust fine.

1. You are now totally and completely independent and you don’t need any help with anything whatsoever.

Mom? Mom, how do dish washers work?

2. When getting rid of all the lovely critters (like mice and cockroaches) and dealing with things that go bump in the night, you know exactly what to do to stay calm.

Dad, listen, there is a colony of mice living under the bed and they are not Disney friendly.

3. You have complete control over your impulse shopping and of course you’re saving money for rent and utilities.

Then again, Forever 21 is having a sale and, well, your electric bill is due, but… You can still look cute in the dark.

4. All you’ve ever wanted was a place to do all of the things you weren’t allowed to do at home, like throw house parties and sit around naked.

But then you proceed to sit in bed and watch Netflix all day, like usual. (Maybe naked.)

5. You know you have enough of everything – pots and pans and toilet paper – to last you…

Until you’re eating cereal out of red solo cups because you forgot to pack bowls.

6. There’s no possible way for you to get homesick because this is your new home – it’s all yours!

Would it be totally weird if you came home maybe tomorrow night…

7. Now that you have your own space, you’re gonna dedicate all of your time into making it how you want.

Now if only you had the money to do that.

8. You love your area, and you love your neighbors.

And you especially love the gunshots outside your window at 4AM. It’s charming in its own “you might not survive the night” kind of way.

9. That rusty fire escape outside your kitchen window is such a great addition to your peeling wallpaper, constantly running toilet, and broken air conditioner.

So great that every time you hear a noise outside you’re convinced that someone is trying to come into your apartment to admire your moldy floorboards.

10. The fact that your landlord doesn’t allow you to have pets is completely okay with you, your dog is probably better off with your parents.

You just want them to put Lucky on the phone.

11. You are 100% ready for this huge, incredibly, hilariously terrifying new experience. It’s going to make you a better person.

It might make you a better person, but telling yourself that you’re ready for this is like introducing yourself as Beyoncé – literally no one will believe you.