Author: Amanda Ramirez

You’re probably wondering if there will ever be a time or a place where you just won’t run into a douchelord.

The answer is hell no, but at least there are plenty of ways to catch them in the act.

1. He’s the guy who’s shouting his keg stand time across the beer pong table.

Let’s face it, his keg stand time is probably double anything he can accomplish in bed.

2. Or he’s the guy who’s trying to be mysterious in the corner with a glass of scotch (instead of the shitty PBR).

He’s tortured and he’s different and no one understands him.

Right.

3. His idea of flirting is making jokes about your personality or appearance five minutes after meeting you.

When you were younger, your mom told you that the boy who pulled your pigtails had a crush on you.

This is that boy. He does not have a crush on you. He’s just an ass.

4. Or worse, he’s making declarations of adoration and comparing your beauty to the light of a thousand suns.

You should know that he probably just exhausted his vocabulary.

5. A smooth talker and a gorgeous smile does not equal a good listener and lovely personality.

If he can’t remember the last three things you’ve said – or if you haven’t gotten a word in at all – then he’s totally not worth your time.

6. Gossiping or making rude comments about the people around you is his way of making polite conversation.

He doesn't care about you. He just wants you to know how witty and how funny he is.

7. You'll notice that his favorite thing to do is name drop.

He knows the CEO of such-and-such a startup, he somehow knows the name of your best friend and her boyfriend.

8. In group settings, he feels the need to make you compete with another girl for his attention.

Um, no. 

You and this other girl are both hot, you’re both intelligent, and you’re both way too good for him.

9. If he’s been girl-hopping at a party, imagine him girl-hopping while you’re dating.

Either those girls couldn’t hold his (probably tiny) attention span, or they wouldn’t fall for his charm. Don’t be that girl.

10. If he’s only interested in hooking up, he’s no good for you.

Sure, hookups can be fun, but if a guy walks into your life with his pants off, chances are he’s not interested in any activities that require shirts and shoes.

11. He responds to your texts less and less and you feel pressured to make yourself more “interesting.”

He won’t say it outright, but you’ll feel him getting bored with you. Your first instinct is to change something about yourself to keep him around.

Abort mission.

12. Maybe you think he’s a decent guy, worth a shot, but he can’t seem to find the time to actually date you.

He’s busy. He has work. His life is really difficult right now. #bye

Last night, you decided that it would be the best idea in the world to get completely and utterly obliterated.

And it might’ve been. It definitely was when you were throwing back that jaeger bomb.

But now it’s morning and there is literally nothing you regret more.

1. When your S.O. won’t stop snoring, oh my god.
2. They’re actually trying to rip your brain out of your eye sockets.
3. And they expect you to meet their parents for lunch today?
4. Maybe you can convince them that romantic dinners with quiet music and very little lighting are the way to go.
5. But you have to try and get through work first and you regret not having your sunglasses.
6. The sun is offending you. You have never been so angry at the sun.
7. If the smell of the subway doesn’t make you hurl, the putrid stench coming off the man sitting next to you will.
8. And then there’s all of those goddamn sirens.
9. Why did you think living in the city was a good idea?
10. Why are people always in trouble?
11. You have never felt so inconvenienced by strangers.
12. Every movement of the train car makes you want to throw yourself off the tallest building you can find.
13. You would walk, but the sun is still a thing that exists.
14. There is nothing worse than having a staff meeting when you’re pretty sure you’re sweating Svedka.
15. You can actually feel vodka coming from your pores.
16. Every time your boss wrinkles their nose, you sink further into your chair.
17. Don’t look at me, don’t look at me, don’t look at me.
18. This is the fourth time you’ve refilled your water bottle and the third bathroom break in an hour.
19. Your stomach isn’t liking any of this back and forth, not at all.
20. And then there’s that one time your best friend wanted to have a celebratory birthday weekend…
21. But you’ve been out for the count 6AM Friday morning as a result of a brutal Thirsty Thursday.
22. They’ve got two days left to party, they can’t be tamed, but you are on the highway to the porcelain gods.
23. But today is cleaning day.
24. You can’t quite bring yourself to scrub the bathroom.
25. Hello there toilet, dirty old friend.
26. And do you remember that time it was your mom’s birthday and you were supposed to go out for brunch.
27. That’s the actual funniest thing you’ve ever heard because you can’t even feel your legs.
28. Thinking about brunch makes you want to die.
29. You’ve never wished more for your mom to come and dress you like you were a baby again.
30. She gets a mimosa and you don’t think you can ever look at orange juice the same way.
31. Then she asks you about school and do you remember that paper you were going to write today? The one that’s due tomorrow?
32. No you don’t.
33. You don’t even know what day it is.
34. Or there’s that time where you tried to tell yourself that your 8AM class was really, super important…
35. But the way you couldn’t seem to get out of bed without your stomach ending up in your throat said otherwise.
36. Maybe there would be a makeup exam…
37. Besides, your roommate is in the shower and you have to resist the urge to vomit over the side of your bed.
38. You’re a big kid now, though. You can wait for the bathroom.
39. No you can’t.
40. Basically, every time you have ever been hungover, ever.

Family, for a lot of people, is one of the most important things in their lives. Everyone pretty much knows where family stands in the dating world, and it’s generally not a huge factor in how you date someone – until you meet the person with a very large family.

1. Where you used to freak out about impressing their parents, you now have 15+ other people to impress as well.

Multiple siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, great-great uncles, and second cousins twice removed…

2. Actually, impressing their parents has become the least of your worries.

Why is that angry looking teenager staring at you like that?

3. Their threshold for patience and tolerance is actually really f*cking remarkable.

Almost nothing bothers them. You are dating the most chill person on the planet.

4. This person probably wants a large family of their own, and they won’t compromise those wants.

So if you think you’re in it for the long haul, you best get on board with the idea of having at least three kids.

5. Even if you’ve only been dating for a month, their family members will add you on any form of social media they can find.

And they will like and comment on every post you make about your S.O. (sometimes in foreign languages).

6. Be prepared to meet people that they don’t even know the names of.

So that’s Uncle Tim, and that’s his new girlfriend, and those are his kids, and… We have no idea who that one is.

7. Should you get invited to multiple family functions, the entire family will absolutely know your name.

And they’ll probably know your mother’s maiden name and that you had a dog named Skip when you were nine.

8. And it’s your job to know theirs, too.

They’ll make intimidating jokes until you remember.

9. The younger members of the family will treat you like their own personal jungle gym.

They were sent by the grandparents to break you, you know it.

10. Nothing – nothing – will make your S.O. prouder than you getting along with the weird uncle.

No one ever talks to Uncle Louis, you are now the saint of the family.

11. Since the family is probably spread out across the world, you have a standing invitation to at least four different states.

Let’s see, there’s grandma’s house in Arizona and Aunt May’s beach house in North Carolina…

12. They will treat you like their own.

Large families exist because they’re made of people that love everyone like their own. Whether they’re adopted or married into the family or they fell from the sky, there is always room for more.

You are no exception.

Being a serial dater is actually really, really normal, especially among 20-somethings. And it’s not a bad thing. Serial daters just have very specific expectations.

They like their casual flings, they like their fun, they like meeting new people and experiencing new things more than they like staying in one place.

If you think you might be a serial dater, keep doing you! Don’t let the haters bring you down.

1. Being single is like a death sentence. You're never single.

Ever. Single just isn’t for you. You don’t remember the last time you were unattached.

2. Getting to know your date – and telling them about yourself – is at the bottom of your to-do list.

You’re in this for fun, you’re in this for casual.

3. You love, love, love the attention.

Compliments and flirting and touching make you feel like you’re on top of the world – and you never want that to stop.

4. Any date is a good date.

You’re perfectly fine with anything from rock climbing to dinner in their car.

5. Just like any partner is a good partner.

Are they funny, conventionally attractive, and are willing to foot the bill? They can stay.

6. You’re only interested in Mr. or Mrs. Right-Now.

They don’t need to be perfect. Hell, they don’t even need to be okay. You’re all about instant gratification.

7. Because you are always going on dates, you are almost always busy.

You find it hard to make time for anything that isn’t dating or working, and you prefer it that way.

8. You have trouble keeping track of all of your friends and prospects.

With six different dating profiles and thousands of friends, you have a hard time keeping up. It makes you feel super popular.

9. In fact, you probably had to stop using a dating site altogether.

Tinder is useless now because it's just full of people you've already dated.

10. Friends and family have stopped asking what the name of your date is.

They're probably six dates behind, anyhow.

11. The Honeymoon Phase is the only phase.

Cute dates and lots of sex and presents for no reason? Sign you up.

12. More often than not, though, you avoid relationships with labels.

It’s just so much more convenient for you and so much easier on them.

13. If you get too comfortable, it's time for a change.

Once there's a routine or you start humming along to the songs they sing in the shower, it's time to go.

14. People think you’re easy, but you just like to have fun.

And, once the fun is exhausted, you move on.

15. You’re not too concerned with keeping close ties once you split.

It’s not that you’re going to cut off communication completely; you’re just not gonna bother trying too, too hard.

16. Serious commitment is a real big no-no.

No, you don’t want to meet their parents. No, you don’t want to move in together.

Maybe this isn’t going to work out.

Any dog owner will tell you – our dog is the best friend we’ve ever had.

Even when they’re poopy and whiny, they’re still the best goddamn thing we’ve ever seen.

But owning a small dog? Surviving that should land us Nobel Peace Prizes, to be perfectly honest.

1. Oh, so you pooped in our shoe. Cool. Thanks.
2. Why is your poop small enough to fit in our shoes?
3. And now you’re licking it off my foot, thank you so much you little gremlin.
4. There’s just something so soothing about your high-pitchedwhining at nothing at 3am.
5. When we can’t find our chap stick in the morning…
6. We can be sure to find it on the doggy pad tonight.
7. Because small dogs apparently love the taste of chap stick.Who knew?
8. No, you can’t come into the bathroom with us.
9. We left the door cracked open, why are you crying?
10. Just push it, you’ve done it before.
11. Having a small dog means having an audience for our most basic functions.
12. If we’re peeing, they’re in between our legs.
13. If we’re pooping, they settle down on the bathmat for the long haul.
14. We’re celebrities!
15. Sending them out of the room when you’re naked –
16. Because they’re like your child and they don’t need to see that.
17. We eventually end up calling them babyor booboo because they still come regardless.
18. It becomes a game of “How many weird things can we call them before they stop answering?”
19. We have to carry them everywhere.
20. You can get on the bed, we’ve seen you do it before.
21. We own a king sized bed and somehow get forced into a corner by a Yorkie.
22. If we fall asleep one way and the dog gets comfortable…
23. Behind our legs, on our chests, against our backs…
24. We can never move again. If we so much as twitch, they will get up, and we will be devastated.
25. It literally feels like the worse thing we’ve ever done.
26. Do small dogs ever actually sleep?
27. The answer is no.
28. No matter how old our dog is, they will always be a puppy.
29. We always end up watching dog shows and basketball games…
30. So our dog can bark at the show dogs and chase the ball from side to side.
31. No, that’s fine, we don’t need this $1500 laptop that you just peed on.
32. Excuse you, this is our dinner, yours is in your bowl.
33. You whining and giving us puppy dog eyes isn’t gonna work.
34. You folding your paw on our leg is not gonna work.
35. It worked.
36. You see those bite marks on the arm of the couch? It’s our dog’s idea of decorating.
37. We like it. It adds character.
38. They’ll also just do it again if we get a new one, so…

20-something Aquarians are restless. We’re at a time in our lives where everything is changing and nothing makes sense and if the world would just stop… that’d be great. We’re stubborn and detached and aloof and, sometimes, just really sick and tired of everything. 

But Aquarians are crafty. We’re independent. We know what we want and we know how to get it. So why are we never satisfied?

1. We feel best making other people feel good.

We can’t make everyone feel good, and we know that. Instead of that making things better, we can't accept it. If there's anything that drives us crazy, it’s knowing we can’t do something.

2. Aquarius needs her freedom!

We love people. People are great. But too many people crave dependency. We can go to the bathroom by ourselves, thanks. We don’t need someone to go get lunch with, we don't need to constantly have plans with others. We’re fine!

3. Structure = traps

Routine? It’s a trap. Rules? It’s a trap. Office jobs? It’s a trap. Anything that has a guideline to it is a trap. Aquarius hates feeling like she's being controlled by someone else. It’s all a trap.

4. We see things in IMAX 

Aquarius doesn't sweat the small stuff- she's all about the bigger picture. We’re not detail-oriented because taking care of the details takes way too long. That’ll come together later (but it never does.)

5. "I'm not wrong, you're wrong."

We will do everything our way, even if it’s the wrong way. Even if we fail over and over and over. We will keep failing until it works. You can’t stop us.

6. Adaptation is second nature.

Change doesn’t happen fast enough for us, so we make it happen. If that means quitting our job or ending a relationship or moving to a different continent, so be it. Change is necessary for the life of Aquarius – if she thinks things are stale, she'll leave.

7. New and shiny is like a life motto

We need constant newness. Binge shopping, channel flipping, bar hopping, and serial dating are Aquarian staples. Our bank accounts hate us. Our friends never know where we are. Sometimes we don't know where we are, and that's how we like it. 

8. We’re dreamers.

We have a specific way we want the world to work and we have dreams we want to achieve, and when the world doesn’t bend to that, it makes us crazy.

9. We respect everyone, but we have sharp tongues.

If you can’t keep up or if you’re too sensitive, you will not survive a minute with us and we will feel awful about it. Maybe not now. Probably later. But as bad as we feel, we aren't going to change who we are at our cores.

10. Emotions don't come easy

Romance, jealousy, and intense emotional connections are foreign to us. We take a long time to warm up to these ideas – longer than we’re willing to wait most of the time. We aren't emotional beings and that can frustrate even the most patient partner.

11. We don't wait for anything.

Even worse than not being patient with others, we are not patient with ourselves, leaving us ultimately unsatisfied with everything that we do. We can't most fast enough for our own internal pace, and this can be a source of endless frustration.

So your best friend’s in a relationship and you have assumed the dreaded role: The Perpetual Third Wheel.

You’ve lost your hangout buddy, they’ve gained a make out buddy, and now you sit alone on your couch and mourn the days when they were yours.

But have you ever considered that being the third wheel can actually be kind of great?

1. Instead of one person to hang out with, you have two.

Because, of course, they’re attached at the hip. So where you go, they go.

2. But won’t this be the death of your best friend dates?

Wrong. Hang out with them enough and the S.O. is your new best friend. You’ll start hanging out with them instead.

3. This means you have a new person to complain to.

Best friend being a little shit? They agree.

4. When they get tired of each other, who do they go to?

That’s right. You. And you feel like the most popular person in the world.

5. You get all of the gossip this way.

When they finally start doing the do, new best friend tells you all of the funny stories that old best friend is too mortified for you to know.

6. You become something like their child.

Do you want them to bring back food from their date? They’re going to see that movie you like, do you want to go? Should they go out today, you looked a little sad.

7. You almost always have plans.

Unless it’s an anniversary or special birthday dinner, you have a standing invitation to all dates and dinners.

8. Remember when people thought you and your best friend were dating?

Not anymore. You are a free agent. You have significant, flesh and blood proof that your best friend is dating someone.

9. Alternately, all of their family members think they’re in a polyamorous relationship, and it’s hilarious.

The S.O.’s family is a little worried about why you’re in every single picture.

10. When you go out with them, you are so obviously the single one.

Which means all eyes on you because the best friend is 100% off the market and you are not.

11. But you never really feel single.

Their S.O. has become your S.O., and it’s starting to become less of a joke and more of an accepted thing.

12. If you ever do start dating someone, you have automatic double date opportunities.

What better way to get to know someone than to find out that they’re basically in a relationship with their best friend and their S.O.?

13. Economically, it’s fantastic.

Sharing a two bedroom apartment? They already sleep in the same bed, so they stay in the same room, which means rent gets split three ways instead of two. #score

14. You always get the window, the aisle, or a seat to yourself.

Because they want to sit next to each other, which means more room for you!

15. They’re like people repellant.

It’s true that PDA and couples tend to work like bug spray for people. Having a bad day? Literally no one will bother you. No one.

16. In then end, you will never feel alone.

The S.O. becomes like a sibling to you. They know you in all the ways your best friend does and, if they’re good enough for them, they’re good enough for you.

If we’re stressed, or we’re anxious, or we’re just really, really sad, we turn to the retail gods and we say: Let there be debt!

We – as the patients of this most sacred and therapeutic practice – are experts in the art of spending money.

For example:

Instead of talking about our feelings with a therapist, we bought waterproof eyeliner.

Now, we can cry all we want in the comfort and general seclusion of our own bedrooms with ice cream (that we just bought) and a fuzzy blanket (that was also just bought) and still look fabulous.

Nothing beats blowing $80 on cosmetics and peach scented toiletries.

And having a bubble bath to look forward to every goddamn day of the week is so much better than crying to our psychiatrist.

While therapy dogs are cute as shit, this dress is a million times cuter.

As an added bonus, we don’t have to deal with the responsibility of taking care of an animal when we can barely take care of ourselves, which was sort of the basis of our retail therapy to begin with.

Art therapy never works – it just makes us sadder.

We’d rather go shopping for a new statement accessory than make art because, well, listen – it’ll never look as good as this necklace, okay?

We will never understand why people willingly pursue acupuncture.

There are little needles sticking out of you. If anything, that stresses us out even more.

Why would we subject ourselves to acupuncture when we can spend our money on a mani-pedi with the same vaguely-painful-but-still-satisfying effect? At least now our fingers and toes are pretty.

The absolute last thing we want to do is spend hours at the gym if we’re having a rough week.

So we go ahead and buy some cute new running shoes, instead of sweating like nobody’s business. Running shoes that we can use at the gym later on!

Let’s face it – your psychiatrist isn’t going to appreciate your new outfit.

Your acupuncturist won’t care about the difference between Michael Kors and Kate Spade and your personal trainer probably hasn’t had a relaxing day at the spa since who the hell knows when.

Your therapy dog is colorblind so, like, there’s no one to tell you whether or not this lipstick matches that sunhat.

We just really like having that tangible proof.

Yes, this new thing here, we don’t know what it is or what it does, but it makes us happy to look at it.

When you really think about it, retail therapy is a method that gives and gives.

So when we’re broke and have to put in extra hours at work, we still have bubble baths and a ridiculous amount to throw pillows to come home to.

That’s kind of the point.

First dates can be awkward enough as it is without you finding something wrong with your partner in the first twenty minutes. He won’t stop checking his phone. His breath smells. He has a unibrow.

Tinder dates are no exception. In fact, they can get even weirder.

But it’s okay, you think. It’s just one date. Maybe the next one will be better.

Stop lying to yourself.

1. His profile picture is blurry (you really hope he’s not the ugly blob to the left) and he used a (lame) pickup line, but you think he might be worth the shot.

Mistake number one.

2. You think this is gonna be a date-date. This guy could become your next boo-thang.

Gurl, you know what Tinder is for.

3. Telling your friends that they don’t need to stake it out because you can handle yourself.

No you can’t. You need an easy escape plan.

4. You’re waiting for him for twenty minutes, but he’s probably just grabbing you flowers or something. How sweet!

You never know!

5. Except he’s definitely the guy waving at you from the bus stop, but you didn’t recognize him because his hair is longer.

Not because he’s 30lbs heavier and six years older.

6. When he goes in for a hug, he has sweat stains in his pits and what you’re sure is ketchup on his shirt but that’s fine, he was just in a rush.

He definitely wasn’t the ugly blob to the left. Not at all.

7. The restaurant is so charming in a peeling wallpaper, threat of asbestos, blood on the table cloth kind of way.

You tell yourself that it’s not his money you’re interested in! (It’s obviously his devilish good looks and charm and wit.)

8. He doesn’t talk at all but that’s fine, he’s just nervous. You talk a lot when you’re nervous – it balances out!

You’re perfect together.

9. And, if he does speak, it’s all about him, but he’s just trying to make a good impression.

You’re definitely impressed.

10. He tells you he’s not being rude to the waiter – it’s constructive criticism.

That makes sense! He was raised in a tough love household.

11. He doesn’t offer to pay or split the bill, but that’s because he’s progressive. He’s letting you take charge! 

It’s not that he’s broke.

12. You so don’t mind giving him a ride home because he took a bus and they’ve stopped running. Maybe he’ll invite you in!

Always a bright side.

13. You let him change your radio presets to music you wouldn’t be caught dead listening to and he touches your knee because he’s trying to set the mood.

You know what Tinder is for.

14. You walk him to his porch and you’re having a moment (you are! An okay moment!) but then his mom opens the door. She’s probably just visiting…Yea, that’s it.

Maybe you need to leave, thank you for the wonderful night, please don’t call.