Author: Ana Popescu

I get in my car and drive, just drive. I play those songs that remind me of you, even though I shouldn’t. Missing you feels like a kaleidoscope of memories flashing before my eyes when I hear a certain song come on the radio. We will never be together again, nor do I ever wish to be with you, but sometimes I like to go down memory lane. 

I like to feel like you are close to me once more. I like to remember all those times you made me giddy, the times you looked back at me with such enamor. The days when I could still smell your scent even when we were apart, because you were so alive in my head. When we were each other’s best friend and we dared think about the future.

I run through all the compliments you gave me, all the promises you made. The times you passionately locked your lips on mine like you needed it to breathe, the warmth I felt when you held me in your arms and kissed my shoulder, the way your eyes stared back into mine. 

I miss the sound of your laugh when I did something silly, I miss getting rowdy with you on a Saturday night and how it always started off mellow and ended up an adventure. I miss our talks until late in the night over cold beer. I miss waking up with you on slow mornings as we sipped our coffees. 

I reminisce about the day we first met and how it was love at first sight. About the most magical first kiss you and I ever had. About our first date that exceeded all my dreams and expectations. You whisked me off my feet full force. I had a bizarre idea growing in the back of my mind that you could be the one. 

I look for you in the people I meet. I look for your car on the roads that I drive. I listen to your favorite music you used to play. I wish to recapture parts of you if just for a moment in time. To take me back to the times you were in my life and I was content. Without the tainted memories and realities.

My mind goes on a rampant of pleasant memories and I start to wonder, where did it all go? 

And then I also begin to remember how things went bad just as fast as the good times started. I remember the times I cried because I found out the degrading things you said to other girls about me behind my back. I remember the times you made me feel worthless. The times you snapped and became a person I didn’t even recognize anymore. 

I remember how cruelly you broke up with me and how insincere you were. How you dragged on our relationship because you were in a time of need and tossed me aside once you felt you had no need for me anymore. How your actions never matched the beautiful empty words you spoke. 

In the end they were all fleeting moments that never seem to leave. They were grand promises that didn’t amount to more than a grain of salt. They were feelings that filled up my soul but left me empty.

Relationships are never perfect, no matter how much you love each other. There will always be ups and downs and misunderstandings, it’s just the natural flow of relationships. But ours was amplified by your depression. The highs felt like ecstasy, and the lows were way past rock bottom. It was a whirlwind of constantly shifting feelings and situations. 

Now I am not writing this to throw blame or hate on you. I am writing this to tell you that despite the hardships we went through, and despite your roller coaster of emotions, I was still crazy about you.

I saw past your depression and the effects it had on you, me, and us. I saw the person I fell in love with, the perfect person that you couldn’t see for yourself because of your depression. I saw your flaws, but they never altered my feelings. Your flaws paled in comparison to the person you truly were and could become.

I wanted to be there by your side as you fight against your depression everyday. I wanted to be there to remind you of all that you were and capable of doing. I wanted to help silence your demons as best as I possibly could. And that was what I did.

When things were good, they were phenomenal. I felt like I was floating on top of the world with you and nothing could ever stand in our way. Me and you against the world, zombie apocalypse partners in crime. You loved me exactly as I wanted to be loved, and seeing a smile on your face was priceless. It felt as if it couldn’t get any better than that. I never wanted it to end.

When things were bad, I didn’t even recognize you or our relationship anymore. You were distant, you had severe mental breakdowns, and your view of reality around you became distorted. I knew it was your depression, and I stayed strong by your side as everything was crumbling down. 

Your depression didn’t define you, and I knew it was just a temporary swing in your permanent condition. I know it was not something you could change or explain or stop, so I assured my love and support for you as you went through it. I did all I could do on my end to help.

Was it difficult? Absolutely. Was I willing to stay with you knowing that these ups and downs would never change? Yes.

But despite trying to love you with all I had in me, you pushed me away and did not love me. Nothing I did was good enough in your eyes, and even on my best days I did not live up to what you wanted. 

I never asked anything of you, I never even wanted you to change. All I wanted was for you to love me back, but that in itself was too much.

It hurt me when you were complaining to other girls about me behind my back. It hurt me when my love was not enough to make you feel complete. It hurt me that you needed the validation of all girls to feel good about yourself. It hurt me when you kept telling me you either don’t love me or don’t love me enough. It hurt me when you tossed me aside like I was a complete stranger and inconvenience in your life.

And despite everything, I still stayed and still wanted to stay. I know depression makes you think and do things that you can’t control sometimes, so I never blamed you for any wrongdoings. I loved you at you worst, but you couldn’t even love me at my best.

I don’t blame your depression for the ending of our relationship or for what went wrong, but you did do me wrong time and time again and that was not okay. I cannot keep making excuses for you and using your depression as a reason to forgive you no matter what you did. Your lack of a moral compass compromised my self-worth, and that is why I am happy you let me go. 

I wanted nothing more than to love you and be there for you everyday, but I cannot sit back and let you treat me like garbage in return. I don’t deserve that especially after everything I have done for you. 

It’s not your depression that was the problem, you were just a f*cking asshole. So thanks for throwing me away so I can find someone who will love and appreciate me.

Whether you just started dating or have been together for a while, here are some date inspirations to last you all season long.

Happy fall, ya’ll:

1. Oktoberfest. One of the biggest festivals in the fall. It’s a German inspired festival with live music, dancing a sh*t ton of beer, food, games, women dressed in German style dresses, its a giant celebration that you really must experience.

2. Wine Tour. Visit multiple venues as you get a tour of their vineyards and sample all the different wines and cheeses. Enjoy the fall foliage with a nice buzz.

3. Brewery tour. If wine is not your thing and you prefer beer, go on a brewery tour. Or, if you don’t have a preference, go on both a wine and brewery tour!

4. “Rise of the Jac O’lanterns” exhibit. It’s an outdoor walk-through exhibit made up of thousands of professionally carved pumpkins put together to create grand sculptures. It opens up at night when the carved pumpkins are all lit up and there is music playing. A must-see if you live near one!

5. Haunted hay ride/ Haunted house. If you like freaking yourselves out, find a haunted hayride, or haunted house, or both! Give yourselves a good scare, and a good excuse to have him hold you when you’re scared hehe. 
If you are REALLY into being scared and haunted houses, they even have interactive ones where you have to escape them yourselves. 

6. Cemetery tour. Going with the spooky theme, this tour will give you both an exhilarating eerie thrill as you walk through a lighted cemetery tour at night. Or if this is too scary, opt for a daytime cemetery tour instead and learn about the history of its past civilians.

7. Old Villages. Find an old town nearby that has a lot of history behind it. These are perfect places to go in the fall when the leaves are falling and changing colors. These places are likely to have “haunted” stories behind them and hold tours of their town and cemetery.  

8. Football game & tailgating. Tis’ the season for football! Go root for some of your favoritre football teams and host your own tailgate and pre-game. Or join someone else’s tailgate.

9. Road trip. Pack up your things and head off somewhere for the weekend where there is beautiful scenery. Or just take a day trip somewhere to enjoy the view and each other’s company. 

10. Gardens/Parks. You can take a lovely stroll through a nearby park/preserve/garden and just wander of together, taking in the beautiful autumn ambiance.

11. Biking. If you want to be more active about enjoy the scenery, find a bike trail and bike it instead of walking.

12. Hiking. Another more active way to enjoy the outdoors is to find a place to go hiking and challenge each other to hike the whole trail. 

13. Picnic. Find a place to sit outdoors and bring your own food and drinks. This is a nice way to change up a romantic dinner for two.

14. Stargaze. Picnic long enough and watch the sunset together, followed by stargazing. Talk about life and bring some blankets so you can snuggle up together underneath them. 

15. Pumpkin Picking. Go to a pumpkin patch and pick out your best pumpkins. Then carve them and or/paint them. See who’s comes out the best! And you can bake the pumpkin seeds you carved out.

16. Apple Picking. Pick some fresh apples from an apple farm. You can eat the apples as is or make them into an apple pie.

17. Corn Maze. Get lost and wander through a corn maze! And pick up some corn along the way while you’re at it.

18. Movie marathon. Curl up together indoors and binge watch movies. Put on some scary movies to get you in the fall spirit and cuddle up extra hard.

19. Drive-through movie. If you don’t want to stay indoors, find a drive-through movie theater nearby and have a nice old-fashioned movie night. 

20. Bake. Make all of your favorite fall desserts. Pie, cupcakes, cookies. And make them fall themes, with pumpkin, apple, cinnamon, and s’mores flavors. 

Being in a relationship definitely has its perks, but so does being single. Many people either hate or just don’t know how to enjoy their singlehood. But being single is in fact a blessing! And here is why:

-You don’t have to make decisions based on somebody else’s opinion or around their schedule

-You don’t have to worry about anyone but yourself. It’s nice to be selfish sometimes

-You have more free time and money to spend on yourself

-You can focus on your career goals and hobbies that you put on the back burner, and make them your priority

-You can move around and not worry about losing your partner or having to deal with a long distance relationship

-You can travel to wherever for however long you want. You don’t have anyone to report back to (except maybe mom)

-You don’t have to religiously shave like you do when in a relationship

-You’re not committed to anyone, therefore you can flirt and hookup with whoever you like. You have a whole sea of fish to chose from

-You can spend more time hanging out with your friends. Afterall, those are the lifetime friendships that will stick around through all future boyfriends to come

-By being single, you get to find and create yourself outside of a relationship. You establish an identity and form opinions that are authentically you

-You learn to love yourself. The happier you become with yourself and the more you have your life together, the more you attract better people. You will have better, longer lasting, more meaningful relationships in store for you

It's universal truth that breakups are hard, whether you did the breaking up or you were broken up with. There are a lot of feelings involved, ranging from sadness to anger to confusion to relief to regret and everything in between. Depending on the intensity and duration of the relationship, it takes time to fully heal and move on. 

Now imagine on top of all that, the person you fell in love with wasn't real? Imagine the entire relationship was a lie? The person you fell in love with only pretended to feel anything at all? Who was actually just manipulating you to get what they want and then discarded you when they had no use for you anymore?

That's what it's like to break up with a narcissist. This is no ordinary breakup. It's much worse. It's a nightmare. It's your reality.

Not only do you mourn over your partner, but you simultaneously have to come to terms that the partner you fell in love with and are mourning over is not real. It was a lie, and illusion, all to trap you and take what they want from you. They mirrored your personality, wants, and desires to create that wild connection between you two. 

It's only after you stay with them long enough that their mask slowly begins to slip and you get glimpses of their real self. When this starts happening, you find yourself wondering who the hell you're dating. 

You look back and see how much they've changed. This is not who you met and grew to love. It's someone else entirely, but you're already in so deep you still accept this new tainted person anyway.

You remember how hard they chased you, how high they put you on a pedestal, how much they showered you with affection. And one day you wake up only to realize the tables have turned. You're now chasing them, have them on a pedestal, and are showering your affection onto them. They pulled a fast one on you. This is the devaluing stage.

You're trying to hard to bring the relationship back to what it was, bring out the old them, and salvage whatever is left. You feel it's your fault because if they once loved you so much, you must've done something to change their mind. You didn't, this is how it really was all along. This is who they really are, and how they really feel about you. 

No matter how hard you try, after this devaluing, they discard you. Cold, heartless, and sudden, they disappear and toss you aside like trash. Like you mean nothing. Now you're bewildered and wondering what the f*ck happened. And you have never felt so low in your life. You don't even recognize yourself anymore. After all you've been through, all you've done to bend backwards for them, this is what you get. 

Because they don't care about you, they never did. It was all a lie, they were a lie. They saw something they wanted from you: money, status, sex, companionship, control. And once they've gotten their use out of you or found someone else to use, you are history. But the problem is never you, it's them.

To heal, you have to go No Contact immediately with no exceptions. It doesn't matter how much you want revenge, how much you demand answers, how much you miss them, how good the sex was, and no matter if they contact you first. You can never speak or see them again, no matter how hard it is to wrap your mind around. No matter how hard it feels in the beginning.

If you do, they'll keep using you over and over again. You'll be in a cycle you can't break out of. You're slowly sabotaging your self-worth and view on relationships. Nothing good will come from it whatsoever. Nothing. This is the only way you can heal.

This will take a very long time to heal from, so do not feel discouraged. You are human and have a big heart, and someone took advantage of this. You feel used and manipulated and toyed with, because you were. 

But once you realize and gain knowledge the nature of your partner, it helps you understand. The more knowledge and understanding you acquire, the more it will facilitate your healing.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Have your friends and family keep you in check through this process of healing and roller coaster of emotions. They'll be there to help you stay strong and remind you of your self-worth, because they genuinely love you. 

Additionally, please seek help from a professional, because you've experienced a type of mental abuse, and most people are not familiar with it. Find people who have gone through a similar experience and healed. 

And most importantly, live well. Get back on track with your life and focus on what makes you happy. Happiness comes from within, lean to love yourself again and the rest will fall into place. And for those of you who want revenge, this is the best kind of revenge you can dish. But by this point, you won't even want revenge anymore.

Besides, your misery is temporary, theirs is forever. 

My feelings have reached a whole new level for you. The more I see you, the more I spend time with you, the more I talk to you, the more ‘right’ it feels.

I can’t get enough of you. You fill up that void in me and more. It’s so strange to feel like I can spend every second of every day with you and still want more. And these are the exact words you said to me yourself.

Everything is so complicated but yet it still feels so right, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The wait is going to make it feel that much more glorious when our time finally comes.

It was worth the wait and the wait made it worth it. 

I can be my full self and even more when I’m with you. You make me feel like I’m the person I want to be. You challenge me, encourage me, bring me happiness, appreciate me, and make me feel alive everyday. Quite frankly, it scares me how much and how fast I’m falling for you. 

But you feel the same way and I know that we are going down together. 

I really hope you and everything you say is real. I really, really hope so. Sometimes it feels too good to be true. If it is in fact all true, and things keep going the way they’re going, then you just might be the one. That’s how crazy this whole thing is.

You say you liked me from the moment you saw me and will never forget that moment for the rest of your life. And for me, it was love at first sight. I’m most definitely going to fall in love with you, if I haven’t already. We’re going to be madly in love with each other. 

I honestly hope we can keep this good thing going forever. Spending every waking moment with someone and wanting forever doesn’t seem so strange anymore and is starting to make sense. I love how I can talk with you constantly and still not run out of things to say and want to keep talking. 

I honestly think it will always be that way. 

You have what I want, I have what you want, and I really think we can make this love work. You make me want to believe in real love. You asked me if I ever wanted to be a princess from a Disney movie. Of course I do, but that dream has long sailed. You bring me faith again that maybe, just maybe, that dream could be a reality. 

God, I really hope this whole thing is real. I hope you are real. I’m willing to take that leap of faith to find out if this is real. You said you want to give me the world and everything I want. Please do. Be my prince charming. I’m ready to be scooped up. 

I’m ready to dive into this thing together with you to see where it leads us. 

You’re so f*cking dreamy the way you look at me and talk to me. I want you so bad in every way and I can’t wait for the day I get to call you mine and you get to call me yours. 

If everything you say is true, and you are true, then we sure as hell have a high chance of making this thing work.

Dear future boo,

I love you with all my heart and I cannot wait until you get to bless me with your presence everyday. You are a beautiful person with a heart of gold, and because of this you make my life a better place. 

When I meet you, I will be ready to give and receive healthy love again. I will have learned to love and respect myself, and because of this I attracted someone as wonderful as you to love and respect me in return. I will be over the hurt and trauma caused from past relationships, making room for our love to blossom. 

You have no idea how much the little things you do mean to me. Actually you will, because I will never miss an opportunity to show my appreciation towards you. Your effort and dedication means more to me than I can put in words. Because I know what it’s like to be neglected and abandoned.

Thank you for loving me exactly as I am, while simultaneously pushing me to become the better version of myself and to achieve my goals. I don’t have to pretend to feel or be someone I am not around you, because I am enough. 

I promise to be by your side and support you when the going gets tough. I will be there to guide you through the darkness and bring the light back into it. Whatever life throws at us, we will go through it together. 

Even when our relationship isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, I know that you will be there to work through any problem and come out stronger because of it. You don’t give up the second you feel growing pains in the relationship, and you understand that it is just part of a normal cycle. It does not define us, it strengthens us. Our communication and dedication is no match to any problem.

Together, we will explore life and reach new heights. You know that life is an exciting opportunity that must be lived to its fullest, and there is nobody I would rather create these memories with than you.

Once you are in my life, I will realize why it never worked with anyone else before you. I put so much effort into trying so hard with the wrong people, from forcing passion to ignoring red flags and bad behaviors. With you, everything comes with ease and I don’t have to force anything. It just works. Love just flows.

You make my life a better place because of your good soul and your zest for life. You will redefine love for me, and will awaken my soul. You have showed me what it is really like to be madly in love, and I am never letting you go. 

I know you will choose me everyday, as I will you. Love is a daily choice that you make, and I can’t wait to make that choice everyday for the rest of my life with you. 

I don’t know when you will show up, but I am patient. I know life will bring us to each other at the right time in the right way. See you soon, my love.

Love,

Your future boo

After dating my fair share of guys, and having my fair share of unsuccessful relationships, I have learned what I do and do not want in my future boyfriend. 

You need to know how to hold a conversation.

Communicating my thoughts and feelings comes very easily to me and most women, but I've dated men who tend to fall short of this. 

Believe it or not, I'm not a mind reader. I need you to be able to tell me how you feel and especially when you are grumpy. 

Know there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.  

You can't just shut down and hate life I'm not going to drag you to the light at the end of the tunnel. You need to find it yourself.

I have no problem supporting my S.O. when life gets rough, but I need someone who can face his challenges head on and carry some of his own weight. 

Happiness is key.

We're just trying to have fun right?

A sense of self.

I mean a strong understand of respect and dignity. I will love and support you, but I need you to know yourself too. 

You need to make me laugh multiple times a day. 

Seriously, just let loose and laugh. Don't have your panties in a bunch. When you are confident in your own skin, you can laugh at yourself. 

See life as an exciting opportunity.

I hate being stuck in a rut and dull routine. It makes me anxious. I need to spice things up, go on new adventures, try new things, and just explore life for all its worth! I would love dating a guy who would be there right next to me experience all these new things together. 

Someone who sees life is an exciting opportunity, is exciting! Not someone who lets life slip away, not curious to explore and just sitting back. And especially not someone who sees life as a dark deranged place where we all die anyway so they don't bother living it. 

#Swag

Insecurity ruins relationships.

When you are confident and comfortable in your own skin, you make room for a healthy and mature relationship. And we all know confidence is super sexy. 

Also must loves sex as much as I do.

If you suck in bed and can't keep up with having sex multiple times a day in multiple places, this will not work out. We will both resent each other. 

Also faithful and loyal to me, and only me. 

Seriously I am wayyy over dating guys with a wandering eye and who micro-cheat behind my back. 

The word future means something to you. 

I'm all about partying and having a great time. But if he is stuck in his college days, immature without a plan for the future, you guys aren't going anywhere either. Said plan will change along the way, but he needs to have the drive and dedication to attain his goals. I want to make sure I am dating a man, not a boy. 

And you won't give up on me when the going gets tough.
Life is not perfect, we are not perfect, relationships are not perfect. But someone who never stops trying, that is pretty damn near perfect. 

When two people never give up on each other even when times are bad, that defines their true character and the strength of their love. Even if someone has all above characteristics, if they leave at first bump in the road, none of it even matters.

Rumor has it that if you look into the mirror and say pumpkin spice latte three times a basic white girl will appear.

Although, it’s probably just you looking back at yourself. Because you can admit you’re a basic b*tch behind closed doors. 

You know you’re excited about fall. And if you say you’re not, you’re just a liar. So read on and do all the things on this list, you know you want to.

1. Bring out your fall wardrobe! Boots, oversized sweaters, cardigans, long socks, plaid shirts, and all those gorgeous fall colors.

2. Rush over and buy that first pumpkin spice latte you’ve been waiting for all year. 

3. Buy fall flavored beers and put cinnamon and sugar on the rim

4. Go apple picking and make some fresh apple pie. And some apple cider while you’re at it too

5. Go pumpkin picking and carve out/paint your pumpkin. And bake the seeds you carve out of it

6. Go to “Rise of the Jac o lanterns” if you are near one. It’s a walk through exhibit with music and thousands of professionally carved pumpkins put together to create sculptures. it will blow your mind

7. Go to a haunted house

8. Rake up a huge pile of leaves and jump into it like you’re a kid again

9. Go somewhere quiet where you can walk around, take in the beautiful autumn scenery and crisp air. Or take a roadtrip somewhere where there are a lot of trees to bask in the full glory of fall

10. Visit a vineyard and drink the wines as you admire the autumn foliage

11. Cuddle up on the couch and watch some of your favorite movies (Hocus Pocus anyone??)

12. Buy cinnamon/fall scented paraphernalia

13. Start putting together that Halloween costume, it always comes around faster than you think.

14. Attend an autumn festival! They’ll have caramel apples, fried dough, pumpkins, music, and your inner white girl will go crazy

15. Get a fire going and make some smores

Dear a**hole ex-boyfriend,

I would like to start off by saying, you are a piece of sh*t. However, because of this fact, I have much to thank you for.

Thank you for making me realize that I was a doormat to your bad behaviors. There were a dozen times you’ve wronged me and I should’ve walked away with my dignity. But instead I stayed and you ended up dishing me the most degrading breakup. 

I know now to walk away the first time I see a red flag.

Thank you for ending things so horribly that I have zero desire to ever see your face or speak to you again. Ever. Ever. Ever. 

Thank you for showing me everything I never want to have in a boyfriend. And because of this, I know what I DO want in a boyfriend.

Thank you for showing me that I do not, in fact, have trust issues. I just couldn’t trust you because my gut was telling me you were a f*cking liar, which proved to be correct. It’s not me, it’s you.

Thank you for solidifying my belief that when I have a hunch a guy is a narcissist on first meeting, that I am not crazy and that my past experiences have led me to spot your kind from a mile away. 

Thank you for making me realize that I have a bad habit of dating narcissists, which is probably a result of some unresolved issues I have within myself. I can now work on this to make sure I never date your kind again. 

Thank you for ultimately leaving me and making room for someone who isn’t a piece of sh*t; someone who actually has the capacity to love and form deep connections with people.

Thank you for giving me my freedom back. Without you throwing me away, I would not have realized I stopped loving myself. And I would not have learned to love myself again.

I am beautiful, I am a catch, and I am a f*cking delight. 

You, on the other hand, not so much.

Sincerely,

Your ex-girlfriend.