Author: Ana Popescu

Dear ex boyfriend,

Are you f*cking kidding me???

Over one year since I've known you and you chose to end things this way. After you pretended to love me, gave me no clues or warning signs of the nearing end, you have the audacity to end it through text in the middle of a normal conversation. 

My body went into shock when I read the message and I started hyperventilating. Because you faked everything up until the very second you sent that message, and I was caught completely off guard. 

You make me want to vomit. Whenever I think back to how rude and disrespectful you were I get a wave of nausea. 

Not only that, but you didn't even feel the least bit sorry. All I got was a garbage jumble of words put together last minute to create your generic breakup text. 

You're the biggest p*ssy I have ever met in my entire life. You act like you're the toughest guy around, but you're just a coward. A coward who is too afraid to look me in my eyes, face-to-face, and tell me it's over. 

You know I'm the kind of person to call you out on your shit and tell you like it is, but you can't handle any criticism. Because you're weak. 

You act like you care so deeply about saving and helping people, about being the nice guy, and being a good listener. You don't, the jig is up with me, I see right through your mask now.

You just like to feel like you're the hero, to have people adore you, to feel like you are superior to them, to feel like you have control over them. You do it all for the control, power, and ego boost. A person who truly cared about people would never, ever breakup in such a manner, and without feeling any remorse. 

I was there for you when you were broke and alone and had no hope for the future. I was there for you when you had no zest for life and sex anymore. I was there when you had a compete mental breakdown and got violent. I was there for you when you were the most miserable person to be around.

I carried the weight of your world on my shoulders, spoke words of positivity, and let you borrow money when you asked. I brought you food when you couldn't get it yourself, I held you as you cried yourself to sleep, and I supported you every step of the way.

But to you, I was just there for sex, company, and money. Someone to keep you warm at night when your life felt cold. Once you had a job again, made good money, and got new friends, you tossed me aside like I was garbage. No more use for me. 

I knew you had a sh*t ton of personal and mental issues but you're way more f*cked up than I thought. Thank you for turning out to be a sociopath just like my first boyfriend. You are the beacon of everything I never want to have in a friend, boyfriend, or person. Ever.

So stay the f*ck out of my life for good this time. 

He was different, but he was not special. He had the wildest appearance of love, but it was not love. His presence was suffocating, but he was never really there. I fell in love with a man, but he was a mannequin. A walking, talking mannequin blending in the jungle of humans. 

The first second I laid eyes on him, a million memories flashed before my eyes. I knew him, I knew our future. I knew his past. I swear I knew everything. Flashback to countryside days, flashback to sweet misery, flashback to passionate lovers, flashback to sunsets that color my soul.

The next second he was a stranger, a tall figure with blonde hair and green eyes. His eyes imprinted themselves onto mine, claiming me as his own. He knew everything about me. His gaze was familiar and wild, comforting and disturbing. 

His words floated into my ears and circled around in my head, clouding whatever previously lay there. His touch lingered for longer than the memory itself, and I knew I no longer belonged to me, but to him.

He hurt me, but he hurt me beautifully. He told me sweet things that you would not believe. I didn’t even believe them, nor did he. But the beauty was for too outstanding to let it slip by.

The mere memory of him is far more overwhelming than any real sensation. His memory always comes back, but he never does. His eyes still pierce my soul, his laugh still resonates through my bones, he still breathes chills down my neck.

I’ve learned to survive without him, but his presence will haunt me forever. Every step that I take, he’s pushing me toward him again. His presence may abide in my memory, but never will I let my eyes lay on his again. Wherever I run, he is always there. Even when I turn away, I know he’s right behind me.

Sometimes I’m regretful, sometimes I’m not. They’re some of my fondest memories. Cold, painful days but it felt like home. Wrapped up in his cold blanket, cradled safe and sound in his arms. 

The sun kissed my face; beautiful, inviting, cold. I was paralyzed with fear that this ice age would end. The snow was like sand, the icebergs like ocean waves, the warm wind gently breezed blisters on my face. 

Welcome to paradise, this is your home now. Away from outside harm, away from outside love. Away from threat, away from help. 

You’ve got all you’ll ever need right here on this island. Just you and him. 

And the other creatures he’s captured along the way. 

We've been through a whole lot, you and I. The good, the bad, and the in between. And after all this time, I've come to see your imperfections as you've come to see mine. But despite all this, I still love you. Every fiber of your being, stringed together to create your existence, is what I love.

You make me feel alive and awaken my soul, which had been in the doldrums for quite some time before I met you. You take me out of my shell, helping me explore life and try new things. Having you in my life has opened up my eyes and expanded my horizons. 

Freedom is one of the most important things to me and with that knowledge, you always make sure I never feel suffocated, and I never do. You make sure to give me space, even when it was sometimes hard on you. I appreciate you allowing me to live life on my own terms, and for that you've got a hold on me without chains. To me that is the truest love; staying without restrictions.

I look up to how you march to the beat of your own drum. Having strict parents growing up, this was a difficult concept for me to grasp despite how much I wanted to. 

You help me fight through my doubts and inspire me to grab my own life by the horns. Indirectly, you're helping me become the person I want to become, for showing me the path to my own freedom. 

As cliche and cheesy as this sounds, your laugh is my favorite sound. The first time you threw your head back at a joke I made and I heard your hearty laugh, that was when I knew I fell for you. It literally captivated me. Your voice sounds like home and puts me at ease.

When I'm going through a hard time, you have been my safe haven and I know I can rely on you to help be strong for me in the times I can't. 

When I see you struggling with yourself it breaks my heart because you are a beautiful person and I wish for you to always see yourself through my eyes. But I will be here to remind you of that person when you can't see it yourself. 

I know you and I have had our trust issues in the past, but trust is a two way street and in order to receive full trust you must give it as well. You have proven to me that I can put my trust in your hands. 

I trust that you are faithful to me, and that I am what you need and desire. I trust that you will come to me when something is bothering you and that we will talk things out together like we always do. 

I have always been true to you and you can entrust me with all these things in return. 

I love the friendship that I have with you where we can do random spontaneous sh*t together. Whether we're playing Call of Duty Zombies video games, walking around til 1:00 am playing Pokemon Go, working out together, binge drinking for 12 hours straight, finding different ways and places to mess around, or bickering back at you for acting like a grumpy old man. 

Every day with you starts unplanned yet somehow turns into a new adventure.

Kissing you never gets old and I can't ever get enough of your lips on mine. Whether it's that first gentle kiss in the morning, that passionate kiss that leads to messing around for hours, that random peck throughout the day, or that stupid kiss that I give you with my eyes wide open staring back at you just to be obnoxious, I love them all.  

I love seeing you looking back at me and smiling, it's all the great moments we've experienced plus the hardships we've gotten through together all tied into one simple beautiful moment. 

I appreciate everything you do for me and everything that you are, and I hope I say "thank you" and "I love you" enough for you to know that. 

The thought of how I hurt you still kills me when I think about it. Although I’m sure by now, the pain has subsided and I am a mere memory to you. Still, I just needed to say it because it has been such a heavy burden on me for so long.

You may never want to hear from me, see my face, or think about me again. Which is understandable, but I have some things I need to tell you. I want to start off by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you and be a better girlfriend. 

I also wanted to say thank you. No man has ever treated me better than you have. You’d given me the world and more and always made me feel special. 

As cliché as this sounds, you taught me how to love. You showed me that there are men out there who are good, who won’t just use me for my body, who won’t keep me around just for convenience, who won’t emotionally abuse me. 

I say with complete confidence that you are one of the best people I have met in my life, and not just romantically speaking. You have such a beautiful soul even after facing such great adversity in your life. 

Every time I was knocked down, you always picked me up again. 

You made me a priority and not an option. I knew that with you I didn’t have to play games to get you to like me. I’ve had a lot of guys like me just to use me, but you were the first and only man that has truly loved and respected me. 

You always went the extra mile to make me happy; whether it was when you bought me random things when you didn’t have to, wrote me cute notes, or how you were always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on.

I never once lost an ounce of sleep thinking you had a wandering eye. I never woke up looking in the mirror wondering why I wasn’t good enough. I never sat anxiously waiting at my phone wondering if I will hear from you. You never tried to change me- you just loved me for the person I was. 

You are the only strong, stable relationship I’ve ever had. You always made me feel safe and loved. I’d been so used to being treated poorly by men it became the norm for me, and you showed me the way out.

Now, whenever I find myself insecure or going through a hard time, I remember how you loved me. I will never forget your love. I couldn't if I tried.

Whenever I find myself having shallow tendencies or focusing on unimportant things in life, I think back to you and how things like that never mattered then and they don’t have to now. I remember to be an authentic person and that I don’t have to get sucked into being petty. 

Because of you, I know that there is a much deeper meaning to life and that there are so many more important things than being caught up in petty emotions. So, if you ever thought that I haven’t thought of you since the breakup, you were wrong. 

You’ve taught me a lot of things and somehow still give me reality checks even when you’re not around. Because you are a genuine person with a big heart, and that is a rarity. 

I want nothing more than for you to always remember that and believe in yourself and be happy.

"There are way too many love songs. And I think they've got it all wrong. Cause life is not the mountaintops. It's the walking in between, and I like you walking next to me". -Ben Rector

Through several semi-long term relationships, I have found a certain pattern that seems to emerge after some time, regardless of who is the current prince charming. 

Most relationships begin with an insatiable fiery passion, the kind that keeps you up at night, that clenches at your stomach til you can’t sh*t for days, that makes you lose all appetite for your favorite foods, that infiltrates every essence of your being at all times of day. 

You feel you have finally found your person, the person to make every second magical, to mend every broken piece of you back together, to make reality far better than you have ever dreamed. 

You ache for this lust, this love, whatever it may be and however it may manifest. You’ve got to have it, and you’ve got to have it this very instant. Every inch of it. It must infiltrate your bloodstream, pumping new life into you every second this person consumes your thoughts. 

It’s almost like you become prisoner to them, and the type you would gladly lock yourself in handcuffs and throw away the key cause you know you never want to escape it. 

This feeling, this absolutely insane inexplicable feeling, is so powerful. How such a feeling were to die is a mystery, but somewhere between the drunk in love kisses and the talks til 2 in the morning and the romantic texts and passionate times rolling around in your cars and beds and wherever you can physically find a place, this feeling fades. 

Not all at once, but it dissipates right through your fingers. Whether you hold on loosely or hold on tight, it slips all the same. This creates both a feeling of comfort and discomfort, where you find yourself in what is known as the comfort zone. 

It is a very real place, and as you sit there and look back on the beginning days, you can’t even believe it. 

You were sure this was the person whose passion would never fade, who would always seem god-like in your eyes, who would always give you butterflies in your stomach. 

But how come it didn’t stay that way? Because life happens, and we are human and imperfect. And the lesson I have come to learn, is that this is okay. It’s okay that not every second is filled with undying passion and it’s okay their rank has now become human level. 

Why is it okay? Why does any of the stuff in the beginning even matter if it always comes down to mundane feelings? What difference does it make in choosing someone you feel passionate towards or not? 

Well, it makes a difference and I’ll tell you how and why. When I have mundane days with my love where the sparks are not even there, I remember the beginning days and remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. 

Why he was so important and why I had to have him so badly. Because now I do have him, so the reasons I chased those moments for these moments are important. I look back and am proud to see how far I come and appreciate that I can enjoy this person in my life just as I had hoped I would. 

Not every moment is magical, but the magic does come back in waves. And in the end you can feel such mundane feelings on content with anybody, but its who you share these moments that matter. 

You may be doing the same thing with the same feelings with someone else, but there is something about this person that stands out from the rest in your eyes, and that is what keeps you there. 

There is something in this person that you feel completes you, that you want in your life, that you respect, that would make this dull moment better than it would have been with anyone else. 

And that is the very thing you first saw in them, that led you through this crazy whirlwind to get to where you are, that you have had the privilege to indulge in everyday up until this moment until you’ve become numb to it. But you can reawaken your senses and your steady passionate flame. All you have to do is just remember, and look right in front of you.

To be able to reach the comfort zone with someone is actually a beautiful thing. To be ale to see them in their mundane moments how nobody else does, to know their little quirks that only you notice, and to love them even more for having reached this place together. 

When you reach this point and you still love someone, that is special. That is happiness. And you are the person I want to be here with. 

If you keep me wild.

Keep me inspired, keep me passionate, keep me feeling alive like never before.

Push me forward, push me past my limits, push me past my wildest dreams.

Make me feel beautiful, make me feel invincible, make me feel grander than life itself.

Let me explore, let me be independent, let me come back to you at the end of the day.

Show me the world, show me your world, show me my own world.

I'll keep you safe.

Keep you safe from the world, safe from your demons, safe from your fears.

Push you when you give up, push your doubts away, push  you to happiness.

Make you warm, make you feel at home, make you my hero.

Let you be yourself, let you into my universe, let you stay.

Show you my loyalty, show you the windows of my soul, show you what your love can bring.

I'll keep you wild.

Keep you motivated, keep you on your toes, keep the chase alive.

Push you to keep climbing, push you to visions of grandeur, push you to your full potential.

Make you chase your dreams, make you live your dreams, make you dream wilder dreams.

Let you be free, let you explore your desires, let you bring me on your journey.

Show you your power, show you your strength, show you the man that you are.

If you keep me safe.

Keep me in your arms, keep me in your heart, keep me all to yourself.

Push me to keep loving, push me to keep fighting, push me to be myself.

Make me laugh, make me smile, make me at peace.

Let me be myself, let me share my thoughts, let me trust you.

Show me the depths of your love, show me your soul, show me how our love destroys the world.

I'll be your ride or die.