It’s true, I have had affairs. I have stepped out of my seemingly loveless marriage to find someone who actually gave a shit about me. I stepped out to help me find myself, find the confident person that should have been there all along but was kept hidden away. Maybe if I would have found myself sooner, I would have left a lot sooner. I still remain here though, for one reason or another. It’s just too hard to leave now after over a decade together with my husband.

I talked to multiple people during the past year. With a select few, I made it to their homes or out to breakfast with them, others I just heavily flirted with, others I just flirted like normal, confident person.

I sound heartless, but I promise I’m not.

This past month has been the ultimate heart breaker for me. At one point I was so drunk that I ran off every extra man that I had. Here is what they taught me though…(If you want to know who these men are, you’ll have to read my other articles.)

Young One – He taught me that I could be viewed as beautiful again. He was the original one that hit on me, and although I destroyed our relationship before we could ever completely be with each other, he will always remain close to my heart. He is about 8 years younger than I am. I always had a small school girl like crush on him, and never thought I was near being worthy of time with someone like him. He made me more confident then 13 years of being with the same man ever could, and for that I thank him.

Other Guy – He taught me how hard it was to break someone’s heart, and how hard I would take it after breaking that heart. He is so sweet, and I pray that he finds a woman that is meant specifically for him. He made me understand that a good man will want to spend time with you, and that he will feel bad when he can’t. He made me see the value of a man willing and wanting to give me the world, regardless of the cost to him. He made me feel wanted and desired again, against anything that was in between us. I didn’t have the same feelings for him as he had for me, but the way he showed me what love actually looked and felt like I will never forget.

I pray that my husband treats me like Other Guy did.

My Age – Oh my heart drops when I think of him, and he is constantly on my mind. He walked the walk when I didn’t think anyone would ever be attracted to me again. He was everything I needed right at the time when I needed it most. He was a man who knew how to take charge, how to take a woman, and how to give her just enough but kept her wanting more. In better terms I can’t quit him. God this man has it going for him. He was in the palm of my hand once again, or so I thought until an old flame reappeared for him. Destructively she once again took him from me, at least in the intimacy aspect. We still talk today, and if that’s the only way I can have him right now, I will take it. He taught me everything I wanted, now I just have to wait on him.

My Husband – Oh God do I love you. I loved you so much I was willing to put up with your remarks about my weight, my looks, deal with you through your divorce from your children’s mother and then the custody case that followed years after. I got close to your children and then they were ripped away from me. I silently cried as my heart fell on the floor when they couldn’t stay, but had to be your “rock.” I endured each time I begged you to touch me, to spend time with me, to make love to me as you refused. I grew smaller because the man that I loved, the man that was suppose to love me, seemingly didn’t. I supported you through pill addictions, heartbreak, financially, and everything you could think of. I told you what I needed when I needed it, I didn’t sugar coat it or beat around the bush. I was a damn good wife to you and you forgot to see me. You left me to be alone. Now I am stuck in this hell where I love you but I have no idea what I am doing with my life. Where I want the life I have built with you, but I want another man’s attention also. We were suppose to be thick as thieves, and you let me face the music alone. 

When I say adulteresses hearts break too, I am talking about myself. I am not a bad person. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Although I tell myself I am still finding myself, I feel as though I will forever be lost.

You were playing the field. We didn't have a relationship. You weren't mine and I wasn't yours. I know that now.

I also know that I did not love you. I liked the idea that maybe I could start over again with a fresh love, though. I liked the idea of living in a small rent house and having you by my side again. The only thing I loved was the way you made me feel…

I felt like you protected me. 

I don't think I've ever felt that way before, and I'm sure that's why it's so damn hard to let go. I felt safe knowing I was shielded by someone who would risk his life to protect me. I can't even begin to tell you how that made me feel.

You listened. 

If I said I liked or didn't like something, you remembered. We had conversations. I wasn't afraid to be myself in front of you, cause let's face it, you are just as weird as me, if not more. 

You always wanted me. 

I never once felt unattractive with you. Not only did you want me sexually, but it felt like you wanted me in other ways too. You wanted my heart, soul, and mind…you opened up to me and let me open up to you.

I miss you. 

I've tried very hard to move past your memory, and some days it works and other days I fail miserably. Some days, I wish that you and I never happened. Other days, all I wish for is you. I was someone who was broken, my spirit and self-confidence were nonexistent. 

You helped put some of the pieces back together. Then you left, just as quickly as you came in.

No one can tell another how quickly to move on, how to forget someone, how to put away their memories, or how to heal. After all that you've helped me with, can you really blame me for not being able to completely let you go?

Do you even think about me?

Today you told me not to contact you. I actually thought hearing (well…reading) those words would be harder than they actually were to read. I think because I know when you get bored, or break up with the 'new girl' if there is one, you'll be back. Not that I'm waiting for that day, but when it comes I'm going to smile knowing that I once again am something you want.

See, you are the one who told me how good I felt. You were the one that had to make yourself known to me. You were the one who gave me your number, who invited me over, and who asked me to go to breakfasts with you. You saw something in me, not quite sure what, but I felt it.

I can analyze the past, how we could make each other laugh, how you always wanted to spank my butt. How you laughed the first time I spanked yours. How you didn't argue with me after a while when I claimed your dog as mine. The things we said, how you actually paid attention to what I was saying. I developed feelings for you, yes. I think what destroyed us was when I told you I did, and you didn't want to admit you had the same feelings for me too. If you didn't, you should be an actor, because you put on one hell of a performance.

Until we cross paths again, I'll sit back and watch. Don't be mistaken, I'm not waiting. I'm watching. Maybe we'll cross paths at a point in our lives when we can have each other. Maybe not. I'll just take satisfaction in knowing you developed those feelings, and you ran because you didn't know how to handle them.

I know that there will be days that I miss you. There will be days that you will be all I think about, and that is ok. There will be days I'm mad at you, and days that I want to see you. Although those days will come, and they will pass, I won't reach for you. I'm going to leave you alone as you requested, and continue to work to get through the bad days.

The past is the past, what’s done is done. That’s all you say. You don’t stop and think that what you’ve done and what you’ve failed to do in the past almost 13 years of our relationship has destroyed me! You failed to recognize me as your spouse, you kicked me out repeatedly, you trashed my looks and my figure, you blew money behind my back, moved out, and let me get evicted by myself. You didn’t even come to help move your crap out of the house. You pawned my wedding bands, after we were married! Now you want to tell me you are changing, the only reason you are changing is because I had an affair and that need for your love and affection died because you never chose to nuture it. I begged you to love me, and you refused. So look where we are now. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to leave. 

I am a married woman, and one day I found myself tangled up with another man.

It started innocently enough. I was helping a friend with something. We had talked a little the night before about my marriage and about another guy that was flirting with me. That’s right, there are two extramarital guys involved in this story. They shall be known as Young One (YO) and My Age (MA) for privacy reasons.

Before you go on about how much of a hussy or tramp I am, let me provide you some insight. I begged my husband for years to touch me, spend time with me, pay attention to me, etc. I begged, pleaded, fought, threatened, bribed, everything you can name, I did it to get my husband’s attention. All without success. He admits that he would not have changed his habits either if I hadn’t of had an affair.

So regardless, YO was laying it on thick…until he started talking to another girl. Now that’s fine, I don’t expect him to cheat on his new girl. He’s a young, good looking, country guy who’s great with kids. It’d be hard not to like him. That said, he didn’t tell me what happened, he just fell off the face of the Earth. He eventually got over whatever guilt or fear it was that he had and we are still friends today. His actions though helped lay the foundation for what happened next…

So I started talking to MA about YO and his disappeance and my problems with my husband. MA asked if I could help him with something not related to our discussion and I politely agreed. Never did I think anything would happen because my self confidence was shot. I mean ‘shot in the head, point blank, I am meaning to purposefully kill you’ shot. I had none. I was being rejected by my husband, and YO wasn’t talking to me, so what would MA want besides a favor.

He wanted to thank me for that favor. I was about to leave when he came onto me. I had no idea what the hell was going on. No one had came onto me like this in over 12 years. At first I couldn’t do it. At first….one thing lead to another, and I ended up naked in his bed having sex with a man that was not my husband. As horrible as it sounds too, the sex was phenomenal. Better than I’d ever had. This exchange happened a few more times over the next two months. In between those times, we would go out to eat together, talk about work and family, etc. It was nice. Someone finally fulfilled what I wanted and needed in the bedroom and listened to me outside of it. Something I had been lacking from my husband for so long.

Again though, MA is a respectable man, so he ended it. Although the physical part was over we still talked, until he blew up one night….I told him I knew it was wrong but I missed him. That’s right. I caught feelings for my paramour. In my heart I think he liked me too, and I freaked him out because he thought he’d break up my marriage.

Problem is this; I’ve dug myself a hole that right now I like being in. I’ve got my husband, I like the life we’ve built and I don’t have time to figure someone else out. YO is fun to mess around with. Although we haven’t actually come into contact yet, I’ve learned that I can express my naughtiest desires to him and he’ll gobble it up like a lion eating a raw piece of meat. MA though, he breaks me. I like being with him, I feel safe with him (the only time in my life I don’t have to be the brave one), and I really like having sex with him. I can let go of YO, but not MA.

Moral of the story, if your significant other is telling you what they need, do it for them. If not, the above story might end up also being your reality. Tell people what you need.

PS: I don’t regret a damn thing, and neither should you.

Today is one of those days where life does not make sense. The path you chose, why you chose it, and why you are still on it all become a blur.

You wonder what could happen if you left.

You wonder what would happen of you just texted that one number that you are restraining yourself from using.

You wonder what would happen if you just showed up at that door.

You wonder for a moment what would become if you got in your car and drove, doesn’t matter which way, but you drove and never looked back. You don’t stop until you need gas.

You wonder what it’d feel like to be liberated as you stare down the ocean on the other end of the continent.

Today is one of those days that you question your very existence, why are you here? What is your purpose?

Today is one of those days that you hold back every tear that is destined to fall.

Today is one of those days that you pray tomorrow will be better.

For years it went on. I pretended that it didn't bother me. Everyone thought that you and I had a strong marriage, one that was built to last. We worked through your separation from your previous wife, worked through you kissing her although we were a serious couple. I supported you through your divorce, through your self medicating with antidepressants and pain pills. I supported you through the child custody battle, through sobriety, and even remained faithful when you left me for months, only coming over for sex. I came back each time you kicked me out, even that time I was forced to go home. I came back each time. We worked through all that, so it was assumed we had a strong marriage. Through all that though, I lost who I was, and you made a choice that I wasn't worth putting effort into. You were contempt with making sure your needs were met, since I could meet my own. Regardless, we did have a very stable marriage.

Then we moved. We bought this extravagant, beautiful home together. Somewhere that your children could call home, with a spare room that we could use for a baby. We bought bigger family cars to prepare for the glorious day I could run up to you with tears in my eyes proclaiming that I was pregnant. Thousands of dollars spent on fertility treatments and tests, appointments that I went to by myself 90% of the time and almost 2 years later and that day still hasn't come. I think it was God's divine intervention to keep us childless.

You reminded me of that the night I told you I had an affair.

I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am. There's not much I can say in the form of an apology to take that hurt or devistation of my sins away. After a lot of conversations, fighting, crying, praying, etc. a question still plagues me…why? Why did it take so long, and for me to do the unspeakable to make you realize that you had neglected me? Why are you now trying to make it up to me? Why didn't you listen when I told you I needed you, I wanted you to spend time with me, make love to me. Why? I always put you and your children above me, because that's what a respectable woman does. I sacrificed so that your family had what they wanted, needed, and desired. Not only did none of you ever once say "thank you," but you also never stopped to think about what I was requesting. I said what I needed, I begged for it, pleaded, tried to bargin, threat, everything. You lost that part of me that had loved you in those ways.

Then it happened. Another man came and gave me what I was looking for from you. If I said I wanted him to do something, he did it. He never told me no, at least until his conscious kicked in. Then I screwed up again, I began to have feelings for him, a big no-no in the world of adultry. I honestly don't know how he felt about me. My heart says he felt something for me too, but my brain is telling me to stop with the wishful thinking, because no one could ever like me, much less love me again.

Now I'm struggling with how to proceed with my life. Do I let you love me, and try to find the love that I've lost for you? What do I do? I still love you very much, and I do not want to start over with someone new and learn all about them while they learn about me. I don't want to experience heartbreak. You are a sure thing. Do I leave and see if my 'partner in crime' would give it a whirl with me? What if he doesn't like me, and my brain is right. Now besides my question to you…why, I'm questioning myself, what do I do? 

My question by far is harder to answer than yours.