Author: Anya Vainshtein

  Today's article won't be like anything I posted before. It's not going to be about flying the plain or skydiving, or accomplishing something amazing, not going to be a travel journal either. I usually don't post this kind of very emotional stuff, it stays in my head or best case scenario in my drafts.

       While reading I would suggest listening to the following song:

       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1ed3bSjqSI

       Did you know that you can find the statistics online for everything, but not for the question: "How many hearts get broken per day?" The best answer I found was: "Yes It's True. Relationships start, they go through a magical phase, then they get finished (some last forever, lucky are those), People separate and hearts get broken. But after some time they get healed. It's a process." The list of related questions: 

– How do you stop loving a person who has hurt you and broken your heart so many times?

– Can a broken heart get back to heal again?

– Why does my heart hurt so bad when I get my heart broken?

– Does it normally take two years to get past a broken heart?

– What's it like to get your heart broken?

Etc.

       Funny thing, we think Google knows everything. But not when it gets to the heart-related stuff. No one knows the exact answer. It's a very personal topic and a very personal process for everyone.

       I really want to answer to the person who is wondering "what's it like to get your heart broken?". "Dude, I wish you never have to figure that one out." A couple years ago dealing with my own broken heart I found the article about the research that doctors did on that topic. And a broken heart is not just a fancy phrase for acting like crazy, not being able to eat, crying all the time, stalking the person who did that to you, complaining to everyone about it, and wishing it would stop hurting already. And oh yes, it hurts like crazy. Physically. A lot. It's an actual syndrome. "People with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they're having a heart attack." says one of the articles online. Imagine having a non-stop having attack. Is it really something that you want to know what it is like?

       That's pretty much the only 100% exact answer to one of the question. The rest of the answers get blurry. Let's go in the decreasing percentage order:

– Does it normally take two years to get past a broken heart?

Total BS. It takes as much as you need to heal. A couple years ago someone told me, that it takes half of the amount that you were together. I naively was counting days and hours and minutes down till that moment. No surprise that miracle didn't happen. Right? It can be 2 years, it can be 10 years. You'll be 100% sure you are healed and happy, and then you ran into that person again. And your "heart attack" feeling is back. I guess the truth is, you can get past it, but the small piece of your heart is lost forever. Sometimes the piece is not that small either.

– Why does my heart hurt so bad when I get my heart broken?

Good question. I think the answer is because you are human, and humans have feelings and emotions. And I guess the part about the process is also true. First, it hurts really bad, then just bad, then maybe not so bad, and one day hopefully the pain goes away at least if nothing triggers it again. Also, everyone is different. Some people are less emotional, they get upset for a couple days, maybe have a couple drinks, maybe have sex with the stranger, and the next morning they are ready for a new adventure (relationship). Some are not that well skilled in this particular area. And they keep banging they are head against the wall in very bad attempt to let it go, but still holding on to what made them happy once. I'm personally, very unfortunately, one of those people too.  But now, having to go through that more than once, I know, that one day I'll wake up, knowing it's not so bad anymore, and I just have to be patient and wait for this moment to come. 

 – Can a broken heart get back to heal again?

They say that time heals. The truth is it doesn't, but It does make it less painful. But that's enough to be able to become happy by finding the peace with yourself or maybe let someone else into your life. And possibly that someone will break your heart again. It's kind of a circle, I guess. Till someone magical appears and decides for both of you that he/she wants to spend the rest of your lives together, so no one else can hurt you anymore. But we are all adults and well aware even that can turn out bad eventually.

– How do you stop loving a person who has hurt you and broken your heart so many times?

No idea! I wish to know the answer to this question myself, so I don't end up scaring everyone around, by losing so much weight all over again. Joking…(or maybe not) It is so much easier if there is kind of recipe: 

– 1 glass of vodka (or 20, let's be honest, and yes glass, not a shot),

– 10 cigarets (or 10 packs of cigarets)

– 30 dates (or just unmeaningful hookups)

– unlimited shopping

or the healthier option:

– gym every day

– spend a lot of time with people you love and who love you back unconditionally

– find a new hobby

– still unlimited shopping

Actually, it all might work. With one condition. If you have enough power to tell that asshole to f..ck off and not regret it a minute later. But then you would still have to go through all the stages of healing from a broken heart. The right answer to that question would be: Remember to love yourself more than you do that jerk, whoever he is. You don't want to see people you love getting hurt, right? Why do you let to hurt yourself? How do you think it is for other people around you, like you mom, you sister/brother, your close friends, etc. to see how you let someone to hurt yourself over and over and over and over again? Are you a masochist? No? Then it is time to let it go…

It’s been over 5 months…and feels like it was yesterday and it’s been forever at the same time. I think I watched all the movies about love on Netflix with happy or not so much endings. Probably cried the amount of water that would be enough for the small lake. Was angry and desperate, excited and upset, was almost going to fly and wanted to disappear. I spent more time thinking about you than I think I did thinking about my future, I probably only spent more time thinking about what I did wrong and how I would fix that if I only had another chance. I thought I’m not good enough for you and I was willing to do anything and be anyone just to be with you. I hated myself every time I wanted to text you because you are my personal kind of drug. And like every drug you brought me joy only in the beginning, now you are destroying me. I was giving up and throwing stuff away and deleting everything that reminds you, and then was restoring stuff and picking the new strategy to get you back, never ending circle… I wish there was a new device which could help to erase all the memories.

I ask myself why you, why me… Why did it have to be you who turned my whole world upside down when you came into my life, and who crushed it when you left? I never wish anyone to feel the way I did and still do. What was the lesson that I had to learn and why couldn’t it be a little less painful?

Remember you said that relationship is a sacrifice? I was never willing to make that sacrifice for anyone else but you. I never wanted to get married, I was in fact scared of it. But I wanted to become your wife. I wanted my son to be your copy.

The problem is you don’t need it. You don’t need or want me in your life. And now it’s time for me to accept it and move on. Not like I didn’t try to do it before, but who knows, maybe one day…

Maybe one day it will stop hurting and I will send this letter to you.

I want to tell you that there wasn’t anyone in my life who I loved more than you, and there wasn’t anyone who hurt me more than you did. But I do hope there will be a person in your life who you might love the way I did/do you, and when that happens I hope she loves you back at least as much. Because as I once told you: money, career and other stuff like that is nothing if you don’t have anyone to share it with.

Good Bye,

I am not going to knock on the closed door anymore.

Monday… and it's the beginning of my month without you.

Have you ever had mornings when the second after you open your eyes you realize that something horribly wrong happened to you yesterday. The next second you realize what exactly happened. That was the first one of the series of horrible mornings when I was hoping that it was just a nightmare, and this nightmare wasn't going to end after the night did.

It's been a day since you purposely decided to leave my life. It hurt so much that I thought it was going to kill me. First I thought that it would be easier to pull my heart out than stop the pain. It was harder to stop crying than you can imagine . I never felt more miserable in my life.

My mornings used to start from text message from you:"Good morning" For 8 months…

And just yesterday it was truth. But not today…

I got ready unusually fast. There was a plan in my mind. Get to that train station to see you. Everything should have worked. I left right at 7 am, got on the train, got off the train. And then it all followed by half an hour of painful waiting. I think people around me might though that I was crazy and I don't blame them. I stared at the people trying to find you, walking back and force at the station. 3 D trains and 4 R trains after I gave up and got on the train. Tears was streaming my face.

Every word, every move, every event was connected in my mind with you.

Got to work. "Work should not be affected by anything" you say. My main goal was to distract myself enough so I stop crying. No matter how much work I had, and I had a lot, tears just would not stop. Breakfasts? well I saved some money on all the meals for a couple days.

I know you might say you fell in love with a different person, strong and independent woman, well that woman was and is in pain…

Every single person was asking: "How was your long weekend?"

It took a lot of effort not to start crying every time I needed to answer it.

First couple hours I didn't know where to hide. I knew I could not be at work, or at home, or outside.

Texted Sam to see if he had lunch around 3 pm. He laughed at me, of course he did hours ago. I wasn't hungry. I just needed a walk. He sensed that there was something wrong with me right away, and offered to listen, based on him I helped him when he was going through the rough time. I didn't want to talk. Talking about it or even thinking about it makes me cry. But I agreed to meet him after work. Hug. That's exactly what I needed it. I didn't even have to say anything. He already knew what was the reason, the only one that could upset me that much. We grabbed a drink. Weird but after it I was finally able to breathe again. Before it felt like there was something stuck in my chest. One drink was enough for the person who didn't eat for 2 days. I wasn't drunk, but I was able to put a fake smile on my face and control my tears a little bit. We walked the bridge. Manhattan one. There was much less people than on the Brooklyn one, but so noisy. In my mind I remembered how me and you were deciding which bridge to take…

I said bye to Sam and thanks for support. I knew I could't go home where everything reminds about my lost. I went to Elina – my best friend, you never got to meet unfortunately. We talked and talked and talked till it was time to go home.

I'm not sure was it a drink, or was it a bridge walk, or was it my friends, but something made me feel a little better. Well alcohol on the empty stomach actually made me feel a little worse.

One more episode of "Charmed", and I tried to fall asleep hugging tightly a little toy dog, your gift. I was hugging him so tight as if he could leave me then too…