Author: Ashley San Juan

Twitter handle: ashleyjewel_ Facebook URL:

3 Stages in a Heartbreak: A Poem

Tired

I’m so tired of acting tough.

I’m tired of pretending that it’s okay or that i’m okay, because i’m not.

I’m tired of crying myself to sleep.

Crying every night because it hurts.

 

I feel this indescribable pain in my chest.

Like someone’s tightly gripping your heart till it bleeds.

It hurts that there’s nothing I can do about this pain.

It hurts that I have to walk around with a smile when I’m clearly dying inside.

 

My eyes are tired from crying.

My brain is tired from overthinking.

My heart is tired from loving you.

And I’m so over missing you.

 

I need to get this off my chest.

I need to let you go.

I can’t love someone I can’t have.

I can’t wait for something that’s never coming back.

 

 

Part 2: Never really over.

For weeks, I’ve been crying myself to sleep.

And when I’m not crying.

I’d find myself staring at a blank space.

Thinking about you, about us, how we used to be.

 

It’s tiring you know.

Waiting for you is exhausting.

But still, I’d wait a thousand days for you.

And after that, I’d wait some more.

 

I know I said I’m done and I’m tired.

But when you love someone.

It’s just never really over.

Cause I still love you with all my heart and everything I have.

 

Some nights I’d think about your smile.

Other nights, your voice.

Most nights, I’d cry missing you so bad.

But never have I let a day pass by that you don’t cross my mind.

 

People would say that I’m a fool.

You broke my heart and yet it still beats for you.

They just don’t know how it feels to be loved by you.

They just don’t know you like I do.

 

I didn’t know I’d ever love someone this much.

I didn’t know anyone could ever love another person this much.

But out of all the things that I din’t know.

What I still don’t know is how you could break me like this..

 

 

Part 3?: Goodbye, for real.

Maybe it’s time I say goodbye for real.

This is the hardest thing I’ll ever do.

I’m going to stop hoping.

I’m going to start moving on.

 

I won’t forget the memories.

I won’t regret all the time we’ve spent together.

I’ll smile and move forward.

I’ll start to love myself.

 

Maybe one day, I’d find someone.

Someone who’d love me as much as I love him.

Someone who would never leave me.

Someone who will never break my heart.

 

But for now, I have to prioritize myself.

I have to cure the cuts you left me with.

I have to fix myself and wipe the tears.

Til the day comes that my heart is ready to love someone again.

My Dad, My First Love, My First Heartbreak

When I was a little girl, I remember my father once gave my mother a bouquet of roses in the middle of their heated argument, I remember laughing at them, thinking everything was fine, everything was perfect. I remember giving my father letters and gifts every father’s day. I remember him cooking our meals. I remember riding at the back of his motorcycle, we’d stroll around the city along with my sister. I remember a lot of things, we had a lot of memories, happy, sad, but above all these memories I treasure, the most painful would be when he was teaching me how to ride a bicycle. He would force me to ride a bicycle without training wheels, he would hold the back of the bicycle so that he could catch me if I fall, he’d push me for a long time until he’d finally let go and I could feel the bicycle getting lighter and lighter, and that’s how I know that he’s gone and I was alone. It was painful because that is how it felt like when he and my mom separated. He said that he’d be there to catch us, he said that even if my mom, my sister and I do not live with him anymore, he’d visit us all the time. And he did, he visited thrice a week, till it became weekly, then monthly, and suddenly he stopped visiting. He finally let go and I could feel my heart getting heavier and heavier, and that's when I knew I was alone.

A father is every girl’s first love. My father was mine, but how often does a father become the first heartbreak as well? My father was definitely my first heartbreak. When he and my mother separated, I was deeply wounded, I was heart broken. I could not believe that he could do such thing to my mother. I could not believe that he could do such thing to my sister and I. I despised him. I have bottled up all that I felt inside- the anger, the sadness, everything. I used to see him as this great guy, a role model. But not anymore. For me, he is now just an example of a guy that I must avoid. My father broke my heart before any man could. Because of him, I got scared of trusting people, I am afraid to feel the same pain all over again, I am afraid to give my heart away.

I know that I keep talking about him in the past, the reason is because, he is alive, but everything else is just a memory. All those things that I remember, it is just that, a memory. We do not spend time anymore, he does not cook for us anymore, he isn’t there when I need him. But of course, even after everything, even after the pain he has caused and is still causing us, he is still my father and I love him.

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