You Were My Everything, Now I Don’t Know How To Live Without You

The actual breakup was a whirlwind of emotions. It was confusing, shocking and honestly, didn’t process right away. When I heard those four awful words strung together with so much apathy that I just sort of went numb. “We should break up” was the last thing I heard and from that moment on, I was just going through the motions. It didn’t hit me until way after that moment that it hit me, how do I live without you?

Waking up in the morning, I roll over to grab my phone to check for that usual “good morning” text but instead, I find an empty screen. My heart drops into my chest and that dreaded conversation starts playing on a loop in my mind.

I walk into the kitchen and pour only one cup of coffee instead of two. I start missing the little things, being told I was beautiful before I put on any makeup, that quick kiss before I left to start my day and knowing that someone was always waiting for me when my day ended.

Most of all, I miss what I used to be. The memory isn’t what keeps my heart heavy; it’s all the mental images that come flooding over me all at once. It’s walking past a place that I created so many memories together. I catch tears slowly slipping from my eyes.

I’m left feeling alone, not wanting to bother my friends with my troubles but needing an outlet to let it all go.

It’s realizing that I have to start completely over, with no idea how to do it. And what kills me the most is people who tell me I’ve been sad for ‘too long’ and I just have to ‘get back out there.’ They were not there when we cuddled on the couch watching TV, or for dinner dates, selfies, or the first time he said: “I love you.”

They may have been through their own heartbreak but they don’t exactly know how I’m feeling, so I won’t downplay how hurt I am.

The truth is, it hurts because it was real.

It hurts because there were real feelings involved. The next bit of truth is eventually it will get better.

When he left he took a little piece of that away with him. There are going to be tears, there will be lots of them. I know I’ll look for him when I’m out and about even though I know I shouldn’t, I may even pick up a phone knowing that it’s a bad idea. It’s all part of the process.

The pain is overwhelming because my heart didn’t just belong to me, it belonged to him as well.

I will get over this relationship, but it’ll be in my own way, until I feel okay because if I don’t allow myself to feel okay, then I’m just going to hurt myself in the long run.

The breakup goes by quickly, but the pain will take a while to heal. So in the meantime, I’ll be taking it one day at a time.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

If You Feel Like It’s Impossible To Keep It Together, Read This

It feels like you’re struggling to keep your head above water. Like the world is crashing around you and at any moment it could swallow you whole. When you feel like you don’t belong when no one understands you and everything you say feels burdensome.

It’s the moments you don’t think you understand yourself. That instant when giving up seems easier than holding on.

You have to try and you have to keep going.

I promise you the waves you feel around you are going to subside. The water is going to calm. All you have to do is try, that’s all that can be asked of you.

Days come where you do your best and fake a smile, look enthused to be out and about with your friends. You don’t’ really want to be there, you love your friends and making sure they’re happy turns out being a priority. Instead of speaking up you silently suffer.

You feel like it’s better to be quiet than be honest and tell someone that you’re really not okay.

Admitting out loud that something is wrong makes you feel weak, vulnerable and small. That is far from the truth.

Admitting that you’re not okay makes you strong. You have to realize you are not alone. It’s better to let it out then let all the pain and emotions build up inside you.  The tears that streak your pillows at night have got to dry up eventually.

Remember you’re not alone. I have moments of weakness, moments of struggle and thoughts of not understanding why. There are days when you wake up and you just don’t feel that great, you can’t explain why you feel the way you do but you don’t feel right. There are times where you’re pessimistic, overrun with your own thoughts and unable to look at the bright optimistic side of life.

You have to stop beating yourself up. You have to stop comparing yourself to others and thinking of all the ways things should be versus how they are now.

You have to forgive yourself.

Apologize to yourself, let go of the things you can’t control, find peace with the past and make room for the future. Things are not always going to go how you had thought they would have; life doesn’t always go as planned.

In fact, it rarely does. 

It’s okay to let it go.

There’s a phrase that I want you to remember, after a storm, there is always a rainbow. Eventually, everything has to calm eventually.

You are strong enough to get through whatever is troubling you. You have people you can turn to even when you don’t think you do. Hold tight to the friends that will listen whenever you need them no matter what.

Count to ten and take a deep breath.

Nothing is impossible.

You can and will make it through whatever is troubling you.

Each time you don’t give up you’re already winning.

So go ahead and keep trying, because eventually it will all make sense and you’ll put yourself back together.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

For The Girl Who Feels Like She’s Everyone’s Second Choice, Read This

She feels like she is just one of the people’s many options, and yet she just sticks around and waits to get picked. She knows she is better than being people’s backup plan, and she doesn’t deserve to be the second choice.

And yet here she is, being treated that way.

She cares so much about everyone around her, to the point where she has a hard time telling them she is hurt by their actions.

Honestly, she’d rather allow her own feelings to get hurt than to hurt someone else’s.

But what she needs to realize is that people can see it. She lives her life not giving herself credit, or treating herself like a top priority, so no one else does.

Once she begins to respect herself, other people will respect her too.

Except she is so caught up in her head, jumping to conclusions… and they’re never good ones. She can’t stop overthinking every single thing that happens in her day, no matter how hard she tries.

She loves with her entire heart but her heart is extremely stubborn as well. She would do anything for those she cared about and ask for nothing in return.

It’s exhausting though trying to be the better person for everyone. It takes a toll on her.

What she needs is to take a deep breath.

No matter what it was that made her become like this, it’s okay. A relationship, her parents, a toxic friendship, it could even have been a mix of the three.

But what she needs to remind herself is that in any form of relationship both parties should be equal. She deserves to be treated like she is important because she is important.

And she is so much more wonderful than she thinks she is.

She has a beautiful soul which makes her an inspiring person so she needs to put herself first sometimes.

There’s a simple phrase out there from the wonderful Dr. Suess that goes a little something like this…

“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

So here’s that daily reminder that you are not an option so don’t let people treat you one.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

To The Girl Who Always Puts Her Needs On The Back Burner, It’s Okay To Be Selfish

I know who you are, you’re the girl that can count on one hand how many times you have put yourself before anyone else.

You’re the girl that even in the toughest situations still finds a reason to put yourself on the back burner.

You’re the girl who always has a smile on her face and when someone asks if anything is wrong your first response is always “nothing.”

Even though that always isn’t necessarily true is it? You could be struggling and having the worst day ever and you’ll completely file it away to help someone else.

Everyone comes to you when they need advice because you’re always willing to listen and never quick to judge.

You are the shoulder to cry on, the one who appears with ice cream when your friend’s hearts are breaking, you bring flowers when they’re having a bad day and you drop whatever you’re doing if they tell you they need you.

You’d do anything for the people that mean the most to you and I think that is admirable and selfless.

There aren’t a lot of you left in this world; it seems most folks are too preoccupied on what is going to be best for themselves to think about others, but not you.

You’re the first to offer help whenever it’s needed, whether money, advice, a shoulder, a place to stay or anything else that comes your way but you wouldn’t dream of telling anyone you needed help.

It’s stressful even if you won’t admit it. I know you struggle with figuring out what you’re going to do with your own life and the path you’re supposed to take.

You may wonder how I know all of this and it’s because I’m exactly like you.

I would never dream of putting myself before the people that matter the most to me, in fact, I never do. I always think about long-term and who else will be affected by my actions or decisions.

I could have made my life so much easier in situations if I just would have thought of myself but you already know that didn’t happen, because as much as we tell ourselves that we can’t keep doing this, we do it anyways.

From one back burner to the other I’m going to let you in on one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to wrestle with.

It’s okay to put yourself first.

Yeah, you read that right; it is absolutely 100% alright to allow yourself the opportunity to be first. That doesn’t make you selfish and any less of a wonderful person. How can you continuously be there for others if you don’t take care of yourself? You will wear yourself out if you continue on like this.

Not just your physical but your mental and emotional health are so important and they deserve as much focus as anything else. It’s okay to make time for yourself, to make decisions that are best for you. I promise it’s not as terrible as it seems and you are still the same person as you were before.

Everyone at some point needs to put themselves first. Everyone does it. I repeat, everyone is allowed to put themselves first time to time and that includes you.

You wouldn’t be bothering or upsetting those close to you if there comes a moment that you tell them that you’re not okay and that you need a shoulder as well. I promise they will be there by your side judgment-free, willing to return all the favors you have given them.

You have to find a balance, a comfortable middle that allows you to be the kind, caring, outgoing and generous person you are without forgetting to take care of yourself as well.

Don’t stop taking other’s feelings in mind and helping them when you can because I know you can’t do that.

I know this won’t happen overnight, you can tell yourself you’re going to start doing this till you’re blue in the face, trust me I know. You can shake your head and agree with me but until you actually do it you just may run yourself ragged.

So no, it’s not selfish to prioritize yourself from time to time. You deserve it because only you know what you can handle and what you can’t. You’re the girl that is relied on by so many people, which is great but please don’t forget that in order to be there for those people you have to be there for yourself as well.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page

I’m Not A Convenience Store, You Just Can’t Come And Go As You Please

It feels like I’m stuck in this maze that has so many different routes that I just keep spinning in circles with no way out. Except you’re in this maze as well and every once in a while we meet up and it all makes sense, until the next thing you know, you’re walking away and I’m left alone again.

Just when I think that I’m making leeway on my own, we gravitate back to each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few hours, days or weeks my heart automatically opens back up for you. It’s the worst kind of torture knowing that it isn’t going to last.

You know how I feel about you; hell I even took a chance and told you that I loved you. It was a risk I was willing to take, though my heart about beat out of my chest.

There’s no question on my feelings for you, however, when we turned the tables I was constantly trying to solve the complicated equation of how you felt about me.

Most of the time I think you’re a good guy, and there’s this small shimmer of hope in me that doesn’t want to let go of the fact you may actually care about me more than you let on.

But you don’t because if you actually cared for me as much as you said you did, you never would of broke up with me in the first place to just string me along whenever you decided it was convenient to you. You wouldn’t continue treating me the way you do, because you know how much it hurts me.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t find myself waking up at 3 am thinking about you, tears filling up in my eyes. I can’t let my heart skip a beat when my phone goes off, because I never know if it’s going to be you. I can’t keep thinking I’m crazy or losing my mind for loving a guy who runs from something that could be such a great thing.

Better yet, I refuse to do it anymore. I’m not the girl that gets taken advantage of time after time, whose heart is drug through the sand.

I’m the girl that loves with her entire heart and gives more effort than you deserve. I require commitment because you should respect me and know my value.  I’m the girl who refuses to believe that fairy-tales only exist in storybooks.

I bring too much to the table to be someone’s sometime girl. I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to let love into their heart, who isn’t afraid to speak their true feelings and one that is going to let someone know what they actually mean to them instead of beating around the bush.

I had hoped that I could have had this with you and that we could have lasted throughout all the odds. Even after you broke my heart, I wanted my friends to be wrong about you. My mind told me to run, you’re too smart for this, but my heart fought back. Hope really is one of the saddest words out there, because when deep down you know things aren’t going to change, it keeps you holding on.

I tried tricking my head into thinking that the next time would be different, that I wouldn’t end up leaving the next day more confused and hurt as before. We wouldn’t be arguing through text messages or telling each other we couldn’t do this anymore.

I could only have my kindness taken advantage of for so long until I snapped. You can only push a loyal girl so far before she gives up, and I absolutely hate giving up, you for one know how competitive I am and mostly, I hated giving up on you.

I do love you, despite what you think, whether you deserve that or not is to be left in the area that’s painted grey. If I had been given any sign that you could change your ways, I probably would have stayed. However, I can’t keep crying and feeling like I did something wrong to deserve this.

My friends can’t keep trying to cheer me up, reassuring me that I’m perfectly fine and that I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me and that you’re just a scared douchebag that can’t get it together.

I fully believe that people come in and out of your life when they’re supposed to, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.

I left you with my heart sinking into my stomach, tears streaming down my face, with a final goodbye. I’m not strong enough all the time to stay away; I try so hard but I’m only human, so if I cave I need you to not respond.

I need you to do what you do best, push me away. 

Don’t give in unless you’re ready to be the one I need. Until you’re ready to give me the love and respect that I deserve and not the runaround of excuses of why we can’t be together.

I’ll get stronger as the days go on, and there will be a time where I don’t want you anymore. One day though, I hope this realization comes over you, some kind of life-altering halt that you pushed away from the girl you needed in your life more than you wanted to admit.

That unlike the convenience stores where you can find anything you want whenever you need it, the realization will hit you that the one thing you really want and need won’t conveniently be sitting on a shelf at your disposal.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

105 Sweet Love Notes For My Person

Love Notes … for you

Write Them Down

Push aside the chocolates and the cookie cutter gifts you’re used to buying and telling them in an old-fashioned note how much they mean to you.

It’s something that won’t expire and they’ll be able to hold onto whenever they’re feeling sentimental and want a nice reminder of how much you care.

 

1. You’re the only one I want to be around when I’ve had a bad day because you always make me smile.

 

2. I love you more than I love chocolate and that’s A LOT.

 

3. I’d share my pizza with you anytime.

 

4. I love you even when you leave your shoes everywhere and I almost fall to my death.

 

5. When you get out of the shower you smell amazing, it’s a mix of clean and of you.

 

6. The smell of your cologne makes me dizzy but in a good way.

 

7. Your hand is the only one that fits perfectly around mine.

 

8. Home for me isn’t four walls and a roof, it’s two arms and a heartbeat.

 

9.  I love that I can call you whenever and you don’t miss a chance to pick up.

 

10. It would be terribly wrong to let the day end without telling you how important you are to me.

 

11.  Love the fact that even though you hate taking photos if I ask you’ll take one with me.

 

12. And you never care if I go into your closet and steal a sweatshirt, knowing that I don’t plan on returning it.

 

13. Every moment we’re apart I’m impatiently waiting for the next when we’re together.

 

14. You are my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

 

15. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.

 

16. I love you more because you love me when I can’t love myself.

 

17. I never understood why girls talk about butterflies until you came along.

 

18. You make me smile for no reason, just one look and I look like a smiling idiot.

 

19. Don’t think you can use this to your advantage but you’re the only guy I’d make a sandwich for.

 

20. It just wasn’t your looks that won me over, those were a wonderful perk but I fell for your personality.

 

21. You love me when I least deserve it and I never realized that is when I most need it.

 

22. If you let me even though I couldn’t be your first I’ll be your last everything.

 

23. You’re my favorite, favorite what you may ask, my favorite everything.

 

24. When nothing seems to be going your way know that I am always by your side.

 

25. I think our relationship is best when neither of us are wearing pants.

 

 

To The Girl Who Needs To Remember She’s More Than Enough

“Life is tough my darling but so are you.” -Stephanie Bennett-Henry

The most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you are most definitely, without a doubt good enough. I need you to remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I know there is a good chance you are rolling your eyes at that statement, you may be muttering to yourself, “yeah right” or “whatever” but mutter away cause it’s true.

It’s tough being the girl who cares too much. The girl who would do anything for those she cares about without wanting anything in return.

I totally get that. It can take a toll on a person.

You’re the girl that overthinks everything. The one who worries about everyone before worrying about herself. You’re the girl who loves with her whole heart. You jump in with no hesitations. You’re also the girl who’s had her heart broken because of it. The one who at the end of the day begins to question everything.

You need to erase this idea that there is something the matter with you. Delete the notion that you’re unlovable, that you have some sort of personality flaw that stops someone from loving you.

You see the problem was never you. It’s the boy you openly gave your heart to, that couldn’t see the value in your love. A guy who took a heart of gold and tried to tarnish it. A guy who doesn’t deserve the love you’ve continuously tried to give him. If he makes you feel like you’re not good enough, he isn’t good enough.

Forget that guy because as much as losing him hurts, there will be someone to pick up the pieces and help you leave him in the dust. There is someone out there who will show you how a real gentleman treats a lady.

Let me tell you, you deserve a man that will lift you up, help you believe in yourself, remind you fairy tales do exist and that you can have your own Nicholas Sparks tale, but it’ll be even better cause it will be your own.

Stop comparing yourself to every other girl out there. You were born to be different, to be an individual. You’re not supposed to be like everyone else, otherwise, you wouldn’t be you.

Just because she has some features you wish you had, doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of the same things she is, it doesn’t make you any less of a woman. She may be taller, weigh a little less than you but it doesn’t make her better. Chances are there are things she doesn’t like about herself as well.

The things you see as flaws or imperfections make you the wonderful woman you are.

Stop looking at yourself in the mirror feeling disgusted. Stop picking out all the things you hate about yourself. Focus on all the good. Stop telling yourself that if you lost a few pounds everything would be better. Stop convincing yourself your weight is a reason to not be worthy.

You have to learn to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you. I promise there will be a guy who will love every little thing about you, even your love handles, the way your hairs a mess when you wake up and every other thing you think is wrong with your body.

Please know that the scale doesn’t define you. You may be skinnier than other girls or you may be a little more curvaceous and both of those are perfectly fine. Embrace it all, because you are beautiful.

Forget those who make you feel any less deserving of respect, love, honesty, loyalty, and trust. In fact, tell them bye, Felicia. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, because those who refuse to see your worth or helped put the notion that you’re not good enough is someone you don’t need around.

Love yourself. You are wonderful and worthy.

You are more than “good enough”. You’re great, and your strengths outweigh your weaknesses every day.

You are beautiful, strong, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, funny and worthy. You’re a genuinely beautiful soul and a fantastic woman, so please believe in yourself, and screw the haters.

-From one girl who let the world tell her she wasn’t good enough, it’s time we start believing we are.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

46 Pieces Of Our Life Together That Still Hurt To Part With Post Breakup

When a relationship ends, it’s devastating because you don’t realize all the things you are actually losing. You aren’t just losing a person, you’re losing all the little things that came along with it.

1. You lose the ability to call him whenever you want.

2. You remove the lock screen photo of the two of you.

3. You take down all the photos off the walls.

4. You lose the feeling of him rolling over in the middle of the night and putting his arms around you.

5. You say goodbye to the way he smelled right after he got out of the shower.

6. Or the way he smelled when he wore your favorite cologne.

7. You say goodbye to that over-sized sweatshirt of his that you always wore.

8. You say goodbye to the sound of his laugh.

9. You say goodbye to the way he pulled your hair out of your face.

10. You say goodbye to the way his lips felt on yours.

11. You say goodbye to the way your heart fluttered every time he lifted your chin to kiss you.

12. His voice telling you he loved you becomes a faded memory.

13. You say goodbye of the days you spent under the sheets.

14. You say goodbye to the way he always knew if something was wrong.

15. You say goodbye to the little surprises he’d bring you to show he cared.

16. You say goodbye to the cute little moments where he was romantic when he wasn’t even trying.

17. You say goodbye to coffee dates.

18. You say goodbye to having him in your corner.

19. You say goodbye to always having a dinner date.

20. You say goodbye always knowing who your plus 1 was.

21. You say goodbye to the friends you’ve made together.

22. You say goodbye to his family, which had become like a second family to you.

23. You say goodbye to a chapter of your life.

24. You say goodbye to the familiar.

25. You say goodbye to texting him when you’re lonely.

26. You say goodbye to the one person you could be yourself in front of.

27. You say goodbye to countless adventures.

28. You say goodbye to the arms that wrapped you close when you felt yourself breaking down.

29. You say goodbye to good morning texts.

30. You say goodbye to knowing one person would never let you go to bed upset.

31. You say goodbye to having someone reassure you how great you are.

32. You say goodbye to him calling you beautiful even when you have no makeup on.

33. You say goodbye to the way his hand fit perfectly in yours.

34. You say goodbye to the person who knew every little detail about you.

35. You say goodbye to the man who drove you crazy and happy all at once.

36. You say goodbye to knowing after one too many shots him being a phone call away.

37. You say goodbye to weekend brunches in bed.

38. You say goodbye to cuddling on the couch watching Sunday night football.

39. You say goodbye to being his girl.

40. You say goodbye to all the little things he did that you hated but secretly loved.

41. You say goodbye to all the future plans you thought of with him.

42. You let go of the “what ifs”?.

43. You stop thinking of the “should have been”?.

44. You lose the title of his girlfriend.

45. You say goodbye to your Snapchat streak.

46. Ultimately you say goodbye to your best friend.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

 

No Matter What, You Are Always Allowed To Leave

If you ever find yourself in a situation that compromises who you are as a person you are allowed to leave. It’s okay to let go of the people who hold you back, the people who only strive to pull you down when you’re trying to pick yourself up.

You’re 100% allowed to shut the door on relationships that tear you down. To leave lovers who no longer appreciate you. It’s okay to still love them but know that the two of you won’t work out.

Standing up for yourself and putting yourself first is alright.

It’s okay to recognize what it feels like to settle and never allow yourself to do it.

You’re allowed to walk away from family members. The idea that just because you’re blood means you always have to forgive them is an old notion.

Blood does not make your family and doesn’t require you to be miserable your entire life.

It’s okay to walk away from toxic friendships. The kind where you’re always put on the back burner when you’re convenient for them in their time of need but that gesture is never reciprocated.

You are more than allowed to find friends who welcome you with open arms.

It’s okay to wait until you find people who love you for who you are.

You can take a deep breath and realize you’re going to make mistakes, hell you’ll probably make a lot of them, but it is okay to make them as long as you learn from them.

It’s okay to forgive yourself for being human. You’re not perfect and anyone who tells you they are is delusional.

Quit the job that makes you hate your life. Do it without apologizing, just make sure you have a backup plan in mind. Life is too short to just wake up and hate your life automatically because of your job.

There are more out there if you try.

Be kind to yourself, you are only one person. Don’t apologize for waking up and loving yourself. Look in that mirror and find yourself beautiful.

It’s alright to just pack up and go. If the town you’re in is holding you back, sometimes starting over is your best route.

You are allowed to redefine the meaning and purpose of your life.

It’s okay to start over. It’s okay to give yourself a blank slate. Yeah it might be hard work and it’s not a simple process but that’s alright.

A story that doesn’t make you happy, that doesn’t help you grow, that doesn’t bring joy to your life, and doesn’t work for you anymore is one you don’t have to stay in.

Cut yourself a break once in a while.

Whatever the situation may be, just remember that if your heart and head aren’t in it…

You are allowed to leave, so don’t let anyone stop you.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

I Love You But It’s Time To Close This Chapter In My Life

This Chapter Is Closed

“I’ve watched you so long, screamed your name, I don’t know what else I can say. But I’ll leave my window open, ‘Cus I’m too tired at night for all these games. Just know I’m right here hopin’, That you’ll come in with the rain. I could go back to every laugh, But I don’t wanna’ go there anymore. “

 

I thought I was prepared to see you again.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you last and that was a train wreck in itself. It’s been a few months since we’ve spoken and that ended up with me in tears.

The girls and I were relaxed, having a few drinks and dancing to the music. I didn’t even see you first, I saw your friend, and I knew that it was just moments until I saw you, or that you were alerted that I was around. Then it happened.

I saw you on the other side of the bar. Though it was a quick look because I didn’t want you to notice me looking at you. I instantly thought you looked cute and my friends quickly tried to think of things to say to distract me from those thoughts. Next thing we know you’re not even three feet from our table, and we knew that was on purpose.

 

Exit mobile version