“I love myself! I do love myself!” – I keep repeating this damn sentence, while I’m sitting in my room, in front of the mirror, and hugging my knees. I can barely hear my voice, but I don’t stop. I have to tell myself, cause when I look into my eyes, all I can see tears are falling down like crazy, and it feels like it’s never gonna stop. It freaks me out. I hate that I can’t erase that image from my mind. My face is red like I got burnt in the Sun. My lips are purple like I’m dead. But to be honest… I’m not so far from that. 

I’m dying inside. 

It is funny though. I can see I’m broken, I am in pain, and it seems like just growing, but I am still absolutely sure I am precious, smart, beautiful and unique. I am something special. But for some reason I lost my belief that I deserve real happiness, with no complication, no drama, no pain. That stupid thing they say all the time you get what you give is a big fat lie. That’s the ugly truth.?  

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to break myself out of these chains. I’ve meditated, watched tons of videos and read so many books about learning to love myself, treating myself the best I can, building up my self-confidence. I’ve practiced my faith focused on happiness and good things, talked myself up in the moments I felt my worst, and yet still, I can’t believe that anyone, including myself, would love me. 

As I sit there and desperately saying as a mantra that I do really love myself, I feel like I am crazy.? 

If you saw me you would say “she’s lost her mind.” And I would say, you’re right.? 

I know I am pathetic. I know that. I would slap myself, to be honest. But in this moment this is all I am capable, I have to do this, cause in other cases I do something stupid I can never take back. It’s a must to love myself, or at least to try, cause I have so many things to do.? 

I promised myself, I will leave this world with these huge footprints of mine, and even though I had to deal with so many losses in such a young age I will leave with the fact that I lived my dreams, gave so much help and love, and made this world a better place. 

I have so much pain inside, and I do not have any idea how I am going to pick up the pieces again, but I will and I will reach every goal of mine. I will build up my empire from the bricks the universe threw to me.  

And at the end of my life, when I leave, I want to be sure when people are talking about me, the first thing that comes to their mind about me is: she was the strength, the joy, the happiness, the smile on our face on a bad day, and especially she was the life itself.

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