Your memory burns like a FIRE

What may really throw you off is that narcissists can be be exteremely charming. Don’t be fooled, as my mother once said; “Looks can be deciving.” With him it wasn’t all about the looks, don’t get me wrong he wasn’t the ugliest man on the Earth. Not to mention he came with a trendous amount of flaws, flaws that i never expected him to have. Needless to say, i looked passed all his flaws. I love him for who he was and most of all i accepted the person he use to be in his past.

He spent 5years chasing me. Don’t get aroused , this isn’t a love story, and we most certainly didn’t have a “happy ending.”

He was the guy that was on my ‘DO NOT DATE LIST’. Something changed, New Years of 2021 I made a list of resulotions. One that included Dating someone who wasn’t my type. Somewhere in site of it all i started chasing after a guy who i said i’d never date. Before i’d made a bunch of excuses as to why i’d never give him a chance. In my gut i knew he was no good for me, but i chose to honor my resolutions and give it a try.

Here’s how it all started…. It was some time in November of 2020, it was 3am… I was scrolling through Facebook because i couldn’t sleep, which was nothing unusal. He messaged me.. “Wat r u doing up so late?” as the conversation proceeded he eventually asked “we shld hangout…..” I read the message, and went back to scrolling through facebook, when he messaged me again saying “i guess not?????” I remember a million excuses running threw my mind. None of which i used. Instead i sent him my address… Fast forward. He was sitting on my couch, as i got up he said, ” Fuck this.” He said i’d been waiting forever for this moment to happen and kissed me. None of this was anything sort of what i expected. Before i knew it we were in my bedroom, and you know what happens after that. I told him i didn’t want a serious relationship and he agreed. It was settled friends with benefits. We all know how that turns out… Someone always fall in love. unexpectedly i was the one to fall first. 

Things were great at first when it was no strings attached. Then one day i found myself blowing up his phone because he couldn’t repsond to not one of my text messages. 

Fast forward, he moved in with me… Things got worse not better. We fought at every little thing. I started questioning my self.  He became a cold person. I lost any self esteem i had left. He made me think that my own mother was trying to turn me against him. Every fight we had was always my fault. If i even dared to tell him that his actions hurt me, he grabbed me by the throat and choke me. He slap in the face telling me, ” I hate doing this to you, i don’t wanna hit you.” Eventually it didn’t matter what i said. Finally i had enough nerve to move 2 hours way just to get away from him.. Moving in my mom or dad wasn’t an option because I knew i’d run right back to him. I was blinded by “love” But that wasn’t love..

It’s been 2 months since i spoke to him.. I hate that I can’t get over all the things he’s done to me.. I keep thinking i need closure . Truth is closure isn’t always whats best for us. It took me quite sometime to real that. Leave the past where it belongs. Stop saying ” good things never happen to me”. They’ll only happen if you let them.

To my mother, who chose addiction over US.

to my methamphetamine, alcoholic, heroin using Mother. This disease has made you such a cruel and hateful person. I hate seeing you go from addiction to yet another. I know its your way of escaping reality, but also your way of covering up all the pain inside of you. Growing up as a child i hated you. I remember my brother and I waiting in the front lawn eating raw packs of ramen noddles, just waiting for you to come pick us up… You never showed. Unlike my brother, I can’t find it in me to forgive you. God, I’ve tried so many times to forgive you… I wanted a normal family.

But you chose drugs over your children and my dad.

Dad, oh man dad loved you..He was so in denial saying ” One day your moms gonna come home.” Days would pass, before i knew it, months passed by too.. You never came home.. You stopped calling, you didn’t even bother to come see us. 5 years passed after not hearing your voice, or seeing you i lost hope. 

I tried to hold on…

I didn’t really understand what was going on as a child, but as i grew older I started to question dad about you. More and more I wanted to know. Dad grew to hate you, he wouldn’t budge when I wanted to know why you abandoned us. 

They say Acceptance is key…

I can’t just forget that my whole childhood i didn’t have a Mother. I can’t help but wonder if you didn’t love us? Im the 3rd child out of 5 of us. I guess I don’t resent you as much as my older brother does.  He has all reasons to hate your guts and i’ll be honest if i were him I’d hate you too. You gave him up for adoption when he was 7. Why? why did you take it upon yourself to just give up one of us. I hate that today my older brother and I barley know each other because of you.

OUR FAMILY WILL NEVER BE WHOLE, THAT’S ALL YOU’RE FAULT.

I can’t forgive you… I’ve been an addict myself now. The funny thing is you have to nerve to tell me to get my life together while you’re selling and doing Meth. You’re also still trying to convince me that I’m the one with the problem… I’ll admit, you’re not wrong yet the difference between us is i decide that i wanted to live this life. 

I chose to live. I chose to quit. I chose to live a better life.

In site of this whole journey i’ve learned so much, and maybe I have you to thank. I’ll fight everyday for my sobriety. I just wish you’d do the same.

It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you don’t want to let go of. It hurts even more that they will no longer be a part of your life.It’s even harder to fight for you when you won’t even begin to fight for your damn self.I never thought i’d have to say goodbye to my mother. 

There are days nw and then I pretend that I’m okay.. That’s not what hurts the most though. What hurts the most is grieving a person who isn’t even dead yet.. 

This is Goodbye mom, if i don’t love you from a distance I’ll end up relapsing myself.

I choose family, love and happiness.. I hope one day you will too.

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