To The Man That Made Me Feel Worthless

"You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man
Peter Pan." – Kelsea Ballerini

The day that you spoke those words, that we were 'drifting,' and 'it was only two months and that I should just get over it', completely broke me in half. Four months later and I'm still not over it.. I was never over it.. I had so much more to give. So much more time I wanted with you. I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You were my life. NBD..

When your life plan was to love that person forever, it's hard to shake the fact that you will never be their forever..and that in an instance your 'person,' whom you thought was your forever, suddenly changed their mind..

I wasn't ready to come to terms with that, and I don't know if I'm still ready to come to terms with that..but you've given me no choice, but to forget you. Day by day I forget a little more about you..and I gradually forget the person I was with you.

Although, I will never forget the way you looked at me..The way you kissed me..the way I walked up to your car to go out for the night and you acted blown away by my presence..as if I was the only girl you've ever seen.

Where did that boy go?

Why did everything in this orbital world, just fall apart?

You just..left.

You just, disappeared.

You completely devastated me and 'ghosted' me. As if I was nothing..

I remember when you told me I was 'the one' (boy was I naive).

You took me 1400 miles to meet your family, just to decide that I was nothing but a mistake..

How could you?

That's all I want to know..

Is so bad that I just want closure? (Why don't relationships have closure?)

How was it so easy to just get up and leave?

I loved you.

Don't you get that!

I wanted my forever, with you! And you just left..

You brought me back on the plane,  by myself and never talked to me again.

I flew back over a thousand miles just to find out you didn't want me anymore.

I was broken.

Completely ashamed and broken.

Why do we invest so much with someone just to find out they don't want anything to do with you anymore?

Why do we have to risk our already damaged hearts, just to find out another boy will destroy it even more?

Thanks to this man. I don't trust anyone. I'm back on this broken road of dating with 'boys', who have no intention of settling down. (Peter Pan Syndrome, as I like to call it..)

Thanks to him, I'm alone, insecure, and don't trust men.

I pray that one day I'll find the man of my dreams.

To prove that they aren't all the same.

They won't all rip me to pieces, right?

And make my light smiles turn into tears?

I can only hope that I will find the man of my dreams one day..

I remember the last words you spoke to me. You said "I hope no one ever breaks your heart again."

Well that's just it.

You're right..

The next person wont.

They won't be as messed up in the head as you, and as confused as you were with whether or not you wanted to be me.

They will love me with every ounce of their being.

They won't give up on me.

They will appreciate me for exactly who I am.

That's just it.

The next person won't break my heart..

The next person will value my worth and love me for all of my flaws.

They will love the way I bump into walls, and laugh at myself for being such a goofball.

They will appreciate me.

They will look at me everyday, as if I'm the only woman in the world. The only one who can make their heart skip a beat.

And just like that, it will finally all make sense..and I will thank you at that exact moment for taking me back on that plane to Florida, where I flew back to the love of my life. 

Millennial Men: Why It’s Almost Impossible to Find a Decent Guy

Millennial men.. meh…Yep, that’s right, if you clicked on this article, you are not the only girl wondering why on earth is it so damn hard to find a decent guy? Is it true that we live in a world full of Peter Pans and sadly, we are not the only Wendy..

Let’s recap exactly what went wrong in this twisted world to make guys so empowering to women, and make us feel less of a person, as if we are not worthy of their presence.

1. Online dating:

Yes this has ruined are thinking of what dating should be like.. It has empowered men to talk to millions of girls on the internet with no intention of other actually settling down (ever – even if they say that is primarily their goal – *eye roll*), but instead they’re talking to thousands of girls on the internet, hoping for one thing – to score. And poor us, talking to these so called ‘men’, looking for our initial ‘soul mate’ but in reality these guys have no intention of ever settling down with just one person.

Could it be that it is just too easy for a guy to move on to the next girl, that they don’t ever have to settle down? Online dating has made it too easy for guys to just go back on the site and find one girl after the other, ‘instant gratification’ they may call it, I call it ‘alone forever.’

So here we are, the girl who lives alone, with too many cats and dating these worthless guys, that do nothing but bring us out for drinks and dinner (which can be nice don’t get me wrong), but in the end they will do nothing but use us for sex and then ultimately ghost us.

Don’t even get me started on the ‘dating games’, (which may I add that I’ve gotten very good at):

1. Rule

You must never reach out to the guy first (unless it’s Bumble, where you have no choice but you must keep it very vague and not act too interest and message them with a ‘Hey’ or ‘Hi’, and then you can’t write them back, ever!! Muhahaha)

2. Rule

Pay attention to rule #1 but when they do write you, you can’t write them back, that is until they write you several more times. That’s right ladies, it’s all about the chase..haha *eye roll*.

3. Rule

When you do eventually write them back, after they have initiated conversation several times, you must keep it vague by saying doing good you? Or busy at work you? You must be very busy! Too busy to talk to them or give them any information of what you’re doing.

4. Rule

Stay mysterious..don’t let them know what you are doing. Let them ask questions, and keep your answers vague.

5. Rule

You are always too busy to meet him (and might not ever meet him), let him chase you until the end of time, and after you’re dead, let him continue chasing you, because you are not interested (at all). But you are interested, but you will not ever let him know that you are interested *sarcastic laugh*

6. Rule

Go on a million dates just like him (that’s right ladies – date like a man).

7. Rule

Let that millennial man chase you (because again, you are not interested, and guys unfortunately like that *more eye rolls*)

8. Rule

You work 10 jobs, you eat healthy, work out every single freakin day, you’ve traveled to every single country in the world, lived in every single country in the world, you are so freakin perfect – you’re not even human – you are like the bionic woman. You don’t fart, you don’t sneeze, you don’t even breath – because you are perfect and unless you’re perfect a guy is going to get bored of you instantly.

9. Rule

You are too independent to give these guys the time of day.

10. Rule

Always keep about 10 guys in line (just incase the one you like flakes out on you – which will probably happen because you were actually interested, and you are not allowed to be interested)

And there you have it ladies! This is why our generation is F**KED and why millennial men suck D**CK and we will never find true love in a world so screwed up.

GOOD LUCK *sarcastic laugh*

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Here Are All of the Things I Hate About You, From Top to Bottom

Some movies make such a lasting impact on our lives and our shared cultural consciousness that we have to step back and appreciate it for the art form it is. To me, the movie that meets that level of artistry and impact the most is the 90s retelling of The Taming of the Shrew. 

We all know it as 10 Things I Hate About You. And it left me with a personal impact. I'd never imagined when I was young that there was anyone for whom I'd design a list of hates, but hey, life is surprising sometimes.

I hate how much I cared about you.

I hate how you pulled me in, and how I fell for you,

I hate that I decided to not use protection with you.

I hate that I thought you were the one.

I hate that I thought I would marry you.

I hate that I imagined what our children would be like.

I hate that I thought about our future

I hate that all you had in your head was goodbye.

I hate that you introduced me to your family,

I hate that you acted like I was the one for you.

I hate that you threw it all away.

I hate that you said it was only two months and I should just get over it,

I hate that these two months meant so much to me.

I hate that day by day, I grew stronger feelings for you.

Most of all I hate that I'm madly in love with you.

I hate that I can't stop thinking about you

I hate that I play over and over again in my head what I did wrong and what I should have done right

I hate that your family hates me

I hate that I messed everything up

And after all the times you acted like I was the 'one.'

I hate that you left me completely broken.

An Open Letter to the Boy Who Broke My Heart In Boston





"She said I think I'll go to Boston…
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name." – Augustana.

That is where it all began..or so I thought..

You. Me. And Boston. 

You were the boy I didn't know but wanted so bad to believe in..

I was terrified to meet you..

Part of me didn't know if I was even interested and the other part of me didn't want to get hurt again.

I was over dating the same ol' guys on those dating sites, who talk to you for two weeks and then with out warning, disappear.

Then there were the good guys that I would solemnly leave behind. Maybe it's all my fault that I fell for you..Could it be that I just crave the toxic boys who are no good for my well-being? Or am I just that naive?

My friend gave you my number but like the stubborn girl that I am, I didn't write you back for several days. You fought, and I eventually gave in..

I was attracted to you instantly and we kissed the first night, but I didn't think much would come out of it. I just figured you would be another heartbreak that I didn't want to endure.

I pushed, and pushed you away with all my might but you fought back and held me tight, emphasizing that you would never hurt me..

You continued to talk to me and I slowly let you in, piece by piece, with  my broken past..

I remember the night you cried..each tear that you shed built me up to believe you might actually be real..

I eventually let you in..you were the first boy I opened up to in a long time. I introduced you to my family and you introduced me to yours.

Then there was Boston.

I thought, this is it. He's the one I might marry. 

Little did I know, you were slowly letting go.

I should have known. I unfortunately did know..but I didn't want to believe it.

I lost. You won. You hurt the girl that actually cared about you.

I wanted to fix you. I wanted to comfort you and make everything that broke your heart in the past go away.

I should have known that the things that happened to you in your life, were not fixable. You were numb to pain, and leaving me would not break your heart anymore than the trauma that happened earlier in your life.

So you left. You pushed me away with your feelings and never talked to me again. Just like you left everything else behind.

I was numb.

That's the only way to describe it. 

I felt as if someone died. 

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat..and all I did was cry.

I played it over and over again in my head what I did wrong. What I could have done better..to make you like me more. To make your family like me more. 

I felt completely hopeless.

I was hopelessly in love with a man that didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

I would check my phone over and over again, just hoping I'd see your name. An "I'm sorry. I messed up. Can we work it out?" text, but it never came..

You completely blocked me out of your life as if I was nothing. 

So you stole my heart..and robbed all my hope I had left..

I've tried so hard to block you out of my thoughts but there you are. Your name. Your presence. It haunts me.

What hurts the most..is that you are probably sound asleep right now in your three bedroom apartment, completely content, and steadily moving on with your life, while I'm lying here, crying in complete agony..contemplating if I even want to go on.

I keep asking myself why? Why did you give up? You gave up on someone who would never hurt you. 

So this is my final goodbye. I know I will never be able to bandage the wombs that have occured in your life, and I know better now to never get involved with someone that has had so much damage done to their life.

I hope while you're packing your bags and are off to the place you always wanted to be, you think about the girl who gave her all.

I know I wasn't perfect but neither were you. You were too busy trying to build the perfect woman, and didn't stop to realize what was standing right in front of you. 

All I wish for you is that when you move to Boston, and meet the woman of your dreams..don't push her away for one single flaw. Because every single flaw you had, is what made me love you even more.

To the man that I thought was going to tell me he loved me in Boston..this is my final farewell. I thought we would build a relationship like no other. A love story to tell the world..but It evidently just all fell apart instead.

To The Boy Who Played Me on Match.com

I was hesitant to meet you.

You seemed a bit unreal. Too good to be true. We connected instantly, which also terrified me.

You walked in the bar gracefully, as I sat there waiting for you, with my untouched sushi and glass of red wine.

You were perfect. And that scared me half to death.

You reassured me though, as you held me on the boat that night, and you told me your feelings for me were unreal.

I believed you.

I never thought I would fall so fast for someone, but I did, and I was persuaded that you felt the same.

I don’t know why I did but I made love to you the very next night, because you convinced me that the feelings were mutual.

Moral of the story..never trust a boy who says nice things to you.

He broke my heart..

The girl who fell in love with the 6’3, handsome, intelligent, baseball player, and they didn’t live happily ever after.. Shocker?

That would be so cliche’ if they did right? 

I should have known right then and there when you talked about our future together, and told me you already spoke to your family about me, that it was all lies.

I have been through this enough to know that this was all an act.. Haven’t I?

But no I fell for it. I stumbled right into your trap and ate up all your kind words. I fell, and I fell hard.

You won. You hurt a girl that truly cared about you. I wanted to fix all of your wounds and scars, but I should have known it was too late to fix you. You were ruined. You don’t know how to love another human being. You are cold, senseless, and a coward. 

Do you know how many sleepless nights I have endeavored? How many nights I have awoken, wondering if you cared? But you didn’t, you never cared. I gave up my innocence for a Coward. 

I may be broken, but I am fixable. Don’t you worry about me. I will be alright. I will find someone someday who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I will continue to search for peace and happiness. I will not sink to your level. I will never feel less of a person because of this. This will only make me stronger in return, and I will learn not to trust the boy on the internet.

– I will find love one day, and maybe one day, You will learn to love yourself.

The Real Reason We Fall For The Wrong Guys

Does love really exist? Or are we just addicted to the games?

Is it really a thing? Or do we just simply fall into lust with all the wrong guys? Do we mistake lust for love? 

Is it that we only get that "firework feeling," with the guy that "ghosts". The only time we truly get that butterfly feeling, is when the guy eventually disappears. Why is that? Could it really be love, or are we just addicted to the games?

I have come to conclusion that this is why many girls, myself included, fall for all the wrong guys.

To The Boy Who I Don't Deserve

It began at a slow pace of sweet diversion, and then all at once, I had you. 

You’re just perfect..too perfect..such as a painting you observe in the window at a museum, that has never been touched, and you somber by it yearning to touch it and run your non-manicured fingers through it, just so you can feel the rigid ends of the painting, where the paint is neatly kept. 

That is exactly how I feel about you. Unblemished, unimpaired, infallible, and simply flawless. I’m utterly in love with your being, but I do not deserve you.

Let me start by saying that I haven’t been fair to you. I don’t deserve you. I can’t even pin point my finger on how I got you. 

You’re so beautiful. I look at you and think of some kind of celebrity, like a Paul Walker or Brad Pitt. You are simply that perfect.

I can’t even make up my mind if you’re in fact ‘the one’, yet I hold on to you, because I can’t fathom being without you.

How did I get you? 

I daydream about you and I getting married, and having children of our own (beautiful children, that have your untarnished skin)..but I’m not being fair, am I? Why do I want all of these things, but I also want to push you away? Far away…

You’re the perfect human being that I have always wanted… but yet I want to solemnly push you away. Why? Could it be because my past still haunts me? 

My past is still existent.. still visible… I could reach out to you, and have you comfort me, but that isn’t fair to you. 

This is why I can’t hold on to you. I have to let you go. 

I can’t give my all to you, when there is so much lingering in my past. I do not deserve you. 

What do you see in the girl that can’t let go of her past? I just don’t know if I can be that impeccable human-being that you need.

That is why I have to let you go. I am not being fair to you. There are so many things you don’t know about me, that I don’t think are fixable. 

You’re the dream man that I always wanted. You’re all that I ever wanted. 

All that I have dreamed of, but I don’t deserve you. I have not been fair to you. 

There are so many skeletons in my closet that you do not know about, and that is why I have to let you go…

An Open Letter To The Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

I'm so glad you found this. I have so much to tell you, and advice to give. It might seem very hard right now, and I'm sure you feel like no one in the world cares…but please don't give up, your world will slowly evolve and good things will come. 

If you listen to what I have to say, you will know that things will change, and life won't always be perfect, but you still will have amazing, breath-taking moments as well.

I am only here to help, as I have lived your journey. 

Please follow my advice:

  • Do not fall into peer pressure. It won't make you cool and it will only numb the pain for a little while
  • Do not give up on your innocence. It will not make him love you and it won't make you popular. Wait until you know who you are, and you're old enough to make your own choices.
  • Date the nerdy guy in high school, you will want to marry him one day
  • Let go of the boy who broke your heart, you will find someone someday who won't
  • Do not give into the drama, those people won't matter one day
  • One day you will realize all that matters is your own well-being, as selfish as it may be
  • Be nice to your parents, they will be your biggest support system one day. When all your 'friends' slowly diminish, your parents will still remain (remember that)
  • Treat others with kindness, even if they don't in return (don't sink to their level, it's not worth the stress)
  • Focus on your studies, this will be very important one day, you just don't know it yet
  • When things go wrong, and you think your whole world is over, it will get better
  • You will find happiness, and sometimes that happiness will leave your life, and then suddenly  you will find new happiness 
  • I promise you will find love one day. And if you don't..
    – Keep Searching
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