Author: Brynna Rubino

I used to be the girl who would sit on the bathroom floor with the door locked, tears streaming down my face and a racer blade in my right hand.

Every now and then I would convince myself not to do it but most of the time the results would be the blood dripping from my arm. Every time i would say this is the last time until something else happened and i did it again.

I felt a since of relief when I did this I don’t know why and I can’t explain it. It’s just something I did to feel better. Some people think it’s for attention but it’s not the kind of thing that you tell people, to me it was something I was ashamed of and embarrassed by. I just wanted to be normal.

I look like the kind of girl who is happy and has a nice life but not many people know about the demons I have inside my head. One of those demons being the Devil himself.

I want people like me to know you arent crazy you just dont know how to handle your emotions yet and thats okay.

Good news is you can overcome anything through the grace of God.

One thing that has been much more helpful than self-harm is God. Next time you feel worthless, lonely, sad, angry, or just dead inside I recommend reading the Bible. The Bible always reassures me how special I am and the plan God has for me.

 When you have no one to talk to or no one who understands how you feel, talk to God. He understands everything and does not judge. He may not answer back but sometimes that’s a good thing to have someone to just listen to what you have to say. Things may be bad in life right now but it won’t be forever.

Don’t get me wrong I still get depressed and still feel worthless sometimes but I no longer have the urge to hurt myself. A lot of the time I just lay in bed and imagine the good God has in store for me. I hold on to the future to keep me going.

 God hits you with tuff times but it’s up to you to prove just how strong you are. Don’t let how you feel affect your entire future. You can let the bad times ruin you or you can embrace it and come out strong. Choose wisely.

Everyone says that a father is his daughter’s first love and that is very true until it all goes sour because of another woman.

Before you met your newest wife, you and I were inseparable. 

I was a daddy’s girl and I was always on your lap. 

I would cook you dinner when I went to visit you on the weekend, I would wash and fold your clothes for you and I would clean the house. 

I would even rake the yard. I did all of this because I wanted to make you happy. 

You meant the world to me, you made me feel loved and special. 

We always did fun things together like going to the movies, baking cookies or even grocery shopping at Walmart was fun to me.

Everything was great until you replaced me with someone better.

After she moved in our relationship started fading. We had little to no time to spend together. 

You treated her kids better than me and you always took her side and treated me unfairly. It was like I wasn’t even there anymore. 

You started saying mean and rude things to me. You may not have realized but she was pushing me out every chance she got. She was determined to have you all to herself. 

I wasn’t gonna stay in a house with people that weren’t even my biological family and be treated like crap when I didn’t deserve it. 

You never stood up for your own daughter so why would I stay. Yes, I am the one who left but you are the one who pushed me away. 

I’ve tried to talk to you and figure things out but you refuse to talk to me or have anything to do with me. 

You thought the only way I would have a successful life is by living with you. 

Yet ever since I left I’ve been doing nothing but accomplishing things and growing in my faith.

I have had my ups and downs but I always get through them and I did it all without the help of a father. 

Without someone cheering me on and saying I can do it. I pushed myself, I told myself how important I am and I did things on my own.

I would like to have a relationship with you I do miss how things used to be but in no way am I dying without you. I do not need you.

I need someone who is gonna be by my side every step of the way, I need someone to hold my hand, I need someone to love me, I need someone to be my dad.

If you cant do that for me then I don’t need you.

Highschool is Hard! Everyone knows how difficult highschool can be, trying to fit in and making friends and trying to get people to like you can be exhausting..but luckily for me and my sister we always had eachother to walk next to when it was the first day of school. We always had someone to sit next to at lunch. We had eachother to stick up for when some snotty girl was starting drama. Stuff like this is what makes having a sister close in age so great. 

My sister and I are polar opposites. I was always the shy one and it was hard for me to fit in and make friends. My sister was outgoing and loud and always had a group of friends by her side. She broke me out of my shell. I really couldnt be shy around her. Without her, school would have been miserable for me and i may have never been able to be my own person. So thankyou for being by my side in school.

When i get home from school i always have someone to vent to about my bad day or giggle about a boy i have a crush on or even talk about a girl i dont like. I never have to worry about being judged for what i say or what i do because we are family. And family sticks together through thick and thin.

From dressing up like twins in matching outfits when we were little to fighting to the point where we could kill eachother, yet still nothing could change our special sister bond.

I Love You Always

Your Sister

As you already know im the girl who falls too easy and too hard, especially for a guy like you. The star of the baseball team with a young foolish girl, who wouldve thought that would happen? I sure didnt. Thats what drew me too you in the first place. 

Everything about you was perfect to me. Everyone told me to stay away but i didnt listen because i thought you were different.

 Several times i would tell myself this is the last time i would forgive you but it never was. And you never changed. 

3 years of my life i spent wondering when i was going to be good enough for you but i never was. I would think to myself “Maybe im not pretty enough or smart enough”? I would think “what is it that he wants from me what is it that i dont have”? I put myself down all the time. 

My mother would always say to me “why do you let him affect you this way, hes not worth it”? Because i loved you thats why it hurt me so much but I guess for once in my life my mother was right and i should have listened to her.

The truth is you lead me on for 3 years and led me to believe you cared about me and that i was the one for you. You would never admit this but its true. But you know what after everything thats happened i dont think you are a bad guy i just think you care about your self a little bit more than you do for others.

Just know that you meant the world to me and i really do appreciate all the times you helped me get through and when you gave me uplifting advice and for being someone i could always talk too. (Except for now of course). 

I believe that if someone is meant to be they will be in your life. So maybe one day our paths can cross again and maybe there is a chance for us but for now im gonna be a better version of myself.

Im gonna keep my guard up and im not gonna settle, Im not gonna forgive so easily anymore, and im not gonna give my whole self to anyone who doesnt respect me and love me. 

I guess you could say the one good thing i got out of this is a life lesson.