Author: Carrie Wittmer

Ladies, listen up. I don't know about you, but I recently realized that I am tired of awful tummy pains and being bloated from holding in the farts that I don't want my S.O. to hear, or worse, smell. 

Sound familiar? We constantly tiptoe around normal bodily happenings for fear of a boy we like knowing that we're actual real, living human beings. It needs to stop, and it can. 

Relationships are all about honesty, so stop hiding the fact that you are a healthy person whose body expels food the same way everyone else's does.

You can't argue the fact that farts were made to come out, and oftentimes unexpectedly. It happens. If your S.O. can't handle that, then they aren't the mature human being that you should be building a mature relationship with.

It won't kill a guy to realize that, while our female bodies are very different in many ways (yes we have those fun things called boobs, we know) we eat food just like they do. We also all have intestines, and buttholes. We also get gassy, and yes, sometimes we have to poop. 

Never hide. What’s the point in hiding, anyway? If you’re hiding any part of yourself from each other, your relationship isn’t as strong as it could be. And keeping in those farts can't be good for your health, amirite?

If he can’t handle a fart, he definitely can’t handle you at your worst. And loving someone for their flaws, when they’re at their worst, that’s the whole point of it all. You deserve someone who will love every part of you, but you have to give him a chance to.

Farts are hilarious. The truest lols. The sound, the smell. Everybody loves a good fart joke. The more you fart around each other, the better you’ll know each other. When your significant other farts in the most crowded bar, you’ll know it was him. And that’s a smelly secret you can share forever #couplegoals.

The more vulnerability you show emotionally and physically, the stronger your relationship will be. So fart, shit, spit, burp, love, fuck, fight, kiss, make-up, and together, you’ll take over the world.  

Here's the bottom line: if you want to get to know someone, be yourself. Fart your farts. Poop your poops. Don’t pretend that you aren’t a human being. 

All you ever wanted is a boyfriend. Someone to love you. Someone to hold you when you’re happy, sad, scared, or just because. And you almost had one. He wanted to love you, but you wouldn’t let him. And you didn’t realize you didn't want him until it hurt him. You honestly couldn’t really stand him. Most of us have been there. And if you haven’t, your time will come. 

Men lead us on all the time. They make us think that they like us, but ultimately, most just want one thing. The thing is, women do this too. It’s just that we’re usually totally unaware that we’re doing it . . .

You make excuses. When he asks if you want to hang out and you happen to be free, you come up with ridiculous excuses why you can’t hang out. Your (imaginary) fish is sick, your roommate had a bad day, there might be traffic. Really, just the worst excuses in the book. 

You would rather hang out with your friends. Or actually, anybody else. Including your imaginary fish, and that bag of Goldfish in your cabinet. 

You can’t remember anything about him. Like, how long you’ve been dating. Or where your first date was. Or what he looks like. Or what he does for a living. He could have a British accent and you wouldn’t even know. 

You're in love with the idea of him. But not the real him. You think you like him, but what you really like is the possibility of someone being your boyfriend. You like the attention he gives you so much that you’re blinded by it. 

You don’t like it when he touches you. When he reaches for your hand our touches your leg, you make a clumsy move that hides your terror and prevents it from happening. That night you tripped over nothing on the sidewalk? That was just your reflexes, trying to avoid holding his hand. 

Your friends don’t know anything about him. Or that he exists at all. “What did you do last night?,” your friend asks. “Oh, nothing,” you say. Actually, you went to an expensive steak dinner and made out with a dude who is super into you. 

You’ve been following him on Instagram for weeks, but have yet to like one of his posts. 

You’re actively seeking out other men. You’re still Tindering, OkCupiding, going to a bar and checking guys outing. And when he asked if you wanted to meet his friends your first thought was, are any of them hot?

You haven’t slept with him yet, but for the wrong reasons. You’re telling yourself it’s because you like him so much that you want to wait. But, honey, it’s actually more like you don’t like him so much that you want him to go away immediately. 

You don’t put much thought into it. You were going to wear that sexy new dress out to dinner with him last night, but you’d rather save it for a night out. You just threw on some jeans, a sweater, just like any other night out. 

You wait. You saw the text message he just sent you, but figure he can wait until tomorrow to hear back from you. Maybe even the day after that. Whatever.

Those flowers he sent you? You let them die. Kind of like your relationship. Because you never even put them in a vase. Just left them on your bedroom floor, buried in a pile of clothes after a few hours. And whenever he gives you something, or pays for something, you actually resent him for it. 

The hardest part of a break-up is the loneliness that follows. While you know it wasn’t meant to be, you still crave the love and attention you once had every day. This craving is exactly why we eat our feelings (large pizza for one, please). And unfortunately, this craving is also why we tend to jump into new relationships before we’re ready for one. These are the signs that you’ve gotten into a new relationship too soon. 

You compare them to your ex. Sure, you might hate your ex. You told yourself that you’re over him so much too soon. There was a reason why you were together, you once loved him. He was once your best friend. He did great things for you, and you did great things for him. In your head, you’re constantly comparing every new person you meet to him. When your new beau takes you out on a date, you think, well my ex wouldn’t have shown up twenty minutes late. No matter how big or small the comparison is, the fact that you’re comparing them to your ex at all is the biggest issue. 

You say things you don’t mean. When you’re not over your ex, you tend to say things that you don’t really mean. You’ve probably told the new guy you’re dating that he’s giving you exactly what you always wanted. But that’s a lie. You’re lying to him, and you’re lying to yourself. When you finally say “I love you,” you might think you mean it, but you won’t. Your new relationship is walking on very thin ice, right above your old one, and it’s not hard to fall. 

You rush into things. So what you met two weeks after the break-up? He’s your new boyfriend. You have a new life already. You love him. He’s nothing like anyone you’ve ever met before. And you don’t care what people say. But you should. Before you start a new relationship after a break-up, you need to slow things down. Wait for the first kiss. Wait for the first sleep-over. Wait a week or two for the second date. Wait to say “I love you.” The slower you take things, the better this new relationship will be. Because the waiting gives you more time to get over your last relationship, and separate it from this new one.  

You rationalize. We all make rationalizations constantly. In relationships, friendships, in our careers and daily lives. But if you have to remind yourself that your new relationship is what will help you get over your ex, then you’re not even ready for casual dating yet. Before you’re ready to date, there has to be more than a day that goes by when you don’t think about your ex. For some that’s a long road, and for some it’s a very short one. But it’s an important journey. Because the more you have to tell yourself to keep things moving forward, the farther back you’ll be in the future. 

You spend too much time together. You can’t stand a second alone, because you know you’ll only think about your ex. Every second outside of your new relationship, you think about your old one. You’re in complete denial. That’s why you spend all of your time with your new beau, and none of it with your friends. You’ve lost your friendships and your independence. Deep down, you know you’re not ready for a someone new. But you're not ready to start getting over your ex, either. 

Every woman needs a blunt friend. You love her most of the time, but sometimes you love to hate her. Some of the time, she straight up hurts your feelings. But eventually you realize that you need her to call you out on your bullsh*t. And who else would make a better blunt friend than Amy Schumer?

She doesn’t know you, but she gets you. She’ll never lie to you about whether or not those jeans make your butt look weird, or how many guys she slept with last weekend. And most importantly? She will never judge you. These quotes speak for themselves as proof that Amy Schumer is the blunt friend every girl in the world needs. Like, right now.

1. “All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.”

2. “It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

3. “In New York I’m, like, a six . . seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘what the f*ck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, b*tch. Do some lunges.”

It started with everyone else. One friend after another, seemingly dropping off the face of the Earth and straight into a sinkhole of love. Slowly, it was down to two. Just me and you. I thought you’d be the first to go, but somehow, it was me. And I let you go in the process. 

I’ve been a terrible friend. I know you feel like I forgot about you. But I didn’t. I admit that I got caught in a love haze. I didn’t think clearly, only selfishly. I only thought about myself, and him. But no matter how lost I was, you were always on my mind. You were always with me. I never forgot about you, and I never will.

I know you want to go back to the way we were. You want just us again. Complaining about being single and how we’ll never find love over plenty wine and way too much cheese. You miss having a single friend to go out with, to make fun of all the terrible men out there.

Those days some of the best of my life. But trust me: there are even greater days ahead of you. And when those days are here to stay, our friendship will be even better.

I see how alone you feel. And it hurts me, too, because you are not alone. Just because I have someone else, doesn’t mean I don’t need you anymore. I need you even more than ever, but am too shy to admit it. Never settle just because you feel left out. I never meant to do this to you. I never meant for you to feel alone. I never want you to feel alone. Not now, not ever.

You are never, never have been, and never will be a pity invite. When you’re included, it’s because you’re wanted. Yes, you’re the thrid wheel. But I’d rather ride a tricycle than a Segway. 

You don’t need anyone. Don’t define yourself by being single. Don’t define yourself as “the only single friend.” Define yourself by who you are, which is my best friend, the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I chose to be your friend for the same reason that one day, someone special will choose you. And when that day happens, you won’t abandon me because you know exactly how it feels to be the last one standing.

If I could, I’d text this to you every thirty seconds every day: Of any of us, you deserve someone the most. You’ll find them one day. They’ll find you one day. I know you hate hearing this, but it’s true

Just stop being so picky.  

Seriously. I know the last guy I tried to set you up with wasn’t George Clooney, but at this point you’ve got to give people a second chance. That’s how I got to where I am today, and that’s how you will, too. I know it. But don’t count on that, because I’m not psychic.

Unfortunately, George and Amal are really happy. Plus, his people have never responded to any of my inquiries. So, please, start looking in the neighborhood. And don’t be afraid to give anyone a second chance. It will all be worth it one day. Love is worth all of this.