Carrie Wittmer, Author at Pucker Mob

The Ultimate Bucket List Every Over-Thinker Needs

Even though these actions come with consequences, you might as well live while you’re alive. You’ll regret not doing it more than you’ll regret doing it . . .

1. Add another drink to your tab at the bar. Sure, it might overdraft your bank account, but you need to focus on your fun and on your checking account later.

2. Have another drink even if you have work in the morning. You’ll be hungover and miserable, but you’re drinking anyway . . . might as well.

3. Get the $20 burger, because you’re hungry and you can’t stop reading the description of it on the menu. And come on, the salad is pretty much the same price anyway.

4. Get a side of bacon, damnit. Treat yourself. You won’t regret it until you’re really old.

5. Fuck the fuckboi. Because at least you know he’s a fuckboi this time.

6. Booty call an ex. You totally freaking hate him but you want the sex.

7. Or even better . . . send a brutally honest drunk text to an ex who screwed you over. Lots of regret the next day, but you’ll feel lighter.

8. Buy the $200 dress. And the Spanx to go with it. There’s no regretting looking fab AF.

10. Wear a kinda slutty outfit to the club. Or bar, or dinner, or wherever. Just be sexy and slutty and feel hot.

11. Wear granny panties on a hot date. They might be slightly unsightly, but comfort is the true key to happiness.

12. EAT PIZZA FOR EVERY MEAL.

13. Get a tattoo that your parents don’t know about until they accidentally see it, and you honestly kind of forget you had it.

14. Do some parkour. You might break a bone or get bumps and bruises, but at least it’s sort of a form of cardio?

15. Skip the gym. Because it’s not like one trip to the gym is gonna give you the body of Jessica Alba.

16. Splurge on a concert for a band you’ve always wanted to see. You might regret it in the short term, but you won’t regret the memories it gave you.

17. Go a little over your budget on an apartment with stuff that works. No more doorknob that always comes off, no more outlet that doesn’t actually work, no more fridge that suddenly turns off sometimes.

18. Travel. Even if it drains your “savings,” you’ll love the adventure and learn a lot about yourself along on the way.

19. Send a nude pic but roll your eyes at the inevitable dick pic you get in return. Now you feel a little more dangerous than usual . . .

20. Walk out of a job you hate.

21. And call your boss an asshole while you do it.

22 Signs He’s Nothing More Than A F*cking Douche Canoe

Douche canoe, as defined by Urban Dictionary: when a person is so douchey they are equal to about 50 douchebags, therefore a canoe would be needed.

We try to stay away from douche canoes. But somehow, they still manage to sneak their way into our lives. They treat us like queens until they’re tired of all the acting.

Douche canoes are the worst, and they’re contagious. These are some signs that he’s nothing more than a douche canoe and you need to row very, very far away . . . like to the other side of the lake where he can’t reach you ever again.

1. He is constantly going out of his way to say that he’s “not like other guys.??

2. But he is.

3. Actually, he’s worse than all the others. Because at least the other guys don’t pretend like they’re so great.

4. At first you were attracted to his confidence, but now you know that he just thinks his God’s gift to humanity. When he’s actually God’s curse to all woman-kind.

5. He’s always “so busy.“

6. He comes up with a really fun idea for a date, but it never actually happens.

7. He invites you out to dinner. When the check comes and you don’t take your card out, he says, “I kind of thought we were splitting this.??

8. He subtly hints that maybe you’d be prettier if you lost weight.

9. He expects you to dress up to the nines when you go out, but he wears the same thing he probably wore to bed.

10. He calls you “babe?? when you have sex but when you call him any sort of name, he freaks out because he thinks you’re getting too serious.

11. You’re actually worried that he’s turning you into a douche just by being around him.

12. Even if it was only for five minutes.

13. He’s allowed to sleep around and date other girls, but if he finds out you’re hanging out with another guy he flips his shit.

14. He doesn’t want you anywhere on his social media accounts.

15. He doesn’t “do“ labels. Like, not even friends with benefits or fuck buddy.

16. He somehow manages to make you feel like you’re the problem in the relationship.

17. He tells you that you’re “lucky?? to have him.

18. But somehow never mentions how lucky he is to have you.

19. He’s never introduced you to his friends. But you’re kind of ok with that, because they’re probably just as douchey as he is.

20. He dumped you. And the day after you’re totally, completely over him, he texts you.

21. Because he has a radar. He knows when you’re not thinking about him.

22. He’s too egotistical to even comprehend the fact that he’s a manipulative douche canoe monster.

The “Big Penis” Drinking Game

Because we’ve all seen them, will see them, or fear them . .

Take a sip if you can tell how big it is when he’s fully clothed.

Take a sip every time you catch yourself staring at his package like how he’s probably staring at your boobs.

Take a sip when you think, “well it can’t get that much bigger than it already looks.”

And take a shot when it gets hard and even bigger than you imagined.

Take a sip if you wonder if he actually had it enlarged.

Take a sip if you wonder how he sits on a bicycle.

Or how he sits on anything.

Take a sip if you feel like his huge penis has a mind of its own and is staring at you—like, deep into your soul.

Take a shot if this is the biggest penis you have ever seen.

Take a sip when you think, “omg this won’t fit”

Take a sip every time you wonder if his penis is so big that it could actually kill you.

Take a sip if you’re already thinking about nick names for his big penis. (Thor’s Hammer, Baby Arm, King Sausage)

Take a sip if his penis is actually bigger than the bratwurst you had for dinner.

Take a sip if you secretly want him to send you dick pics.

Take a sip when you get anxiety thinking about giving him a blow job. It’s just too much. Too much cock.

Take a sip when you wish you had a ruler in your purse to measure this thing.

Take a sip when it’s inside you.

And making your eyes water . . .

Take a shot if he asks you why you’re crying.

Take a sip if you genuinely think you won’t be able to walk for a few days.

Take a sip when you feel kinda bad for him . . . because it’s seriously like too fucking big.

My Bills Are More Important Than Your Kitchen Aid

I know everyone says this these days, but I can’t help it. Because it’s true: all of my friends are getting married and I’m seemingly the only one who isn’t.

Not even close.

But I’m not bitter about it at all. I know it will happen one day. Maybe it’s sooner than I expect, maybe later.

I’m genuinely happy for all of my friends, I swear. I just don’t have the money at my disposal to attend all these weddings. And the bridal showers, bachelorette parties, dresses, the shoes.

And then it feels like everyone but me can afford to go to all these damn things. But I’m not saving my hard-earned money for one-night-only love parties.

I’ll spend my hard-earned money on me. It’s mine. It’s my money, so I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.

I have rent to pay. Bills to pay. Groceries to buy. And frankly I like to treat myself every once in a while, and at this point going to all of your weddings isn’t a treat for me.

And unfortunately my landlord will kick me out if I wait forever to pay my rent. My water, electricity and precious wifi will be shut off if I wait forever to pay my bills, and I will go insane if I wait forever to eat.

So no: even though I can’t afford to attend your wedding,I’m not buying you a freaking KitchenAid or sending you honeymoon money.

Why does everyone have a destination wedding? What’s so great about getting married on the beach? You really want sand to stain that white dress you spent a couple grand on? No thanks.

Sorry, but if I’m going to the beach for a wedding I’m wearing a bathing suit always, I’m double fisting always, and I’m not getting up till noon every day I’m there.

I wish all my friends would just get married in our hometown, or where everyone lives. If it’s in our hometown I can make a whole trip about it.

It’s more than just flying on an airplane to go to a party and hand you a present, dance and drink for one night only. It’s a meaningful night for you, but a meaningful vacation for me. I can visit friends and family.

If a destination wedding is really what you want, then we can celebrate when you get back. I’ll throw in a cute picture of you guys with your wedding hashtag on Instagram. I’ll be there in spirit. But marriage is forever, and we have the rest of our lives to celebrate your endless, totally adorable love.

21 Signs You Could Get Away With Murder

You long for a time when there were kings and queens who could behead literally anyone who got in their way. Unfortunately, it’s the 21st century and that’s not a thing anymore.

But you’ve done your research: if you wanted to murder someone, you could probably get away with it. But you won’t actually go through with it. Because it’s kind of illegal . . .

1. You watch Dateline every night. You can’t fall asleep if you don’t.

2. You have the Law and Order opening sequence memorized.

3. And you always know who the murderer is the moment they’re introduced.

4. If you were a detective, you would solve every murder in five minutes or less.

5. You have a longer list of enemies than Taylor Swift.

6. Like Arya Stark on Game of Thrones, you recite the names of everyone you wish you could murder every night before you go to sleep. It’s your lullaby.

7. You’re OJ Simpson.

8. You can keep your cool. You have a poker face that even James Bond couldn’t read.

9. You’re OCD enough to clean all the blood up.

10. You’ve seen enough crime shows to understand how to dispose of a dead body. AKA: acid in a plastic tub.

11. You feel bad about killing animals . . . but humans? Whatever.

12. You haven’t cried since you were a baby. And that was only because you were hungry AF.

13. You think burning off your finger tips is a brilliant idea and wish you came up with it yourself.

14. You exfoliate three times a day, leaving no dead skin cells to fall off anywhere at anytime. So you’re untraceable.

15. The only movie that ever had you stumped on who the murderers were? Scream. And that was a good thing, because you learned a lot.

16. You can hold a grudge forever, but no one will know about it.

17. American Psycho is your favorite movie, because you relate to Patrick Bateman, who just wants to kill everyone who annoys him.

18. Everyone expects you to love horror movies, but you don’t: those guys just run around murdering everyone out in the open wearing nothing but a mask that can be taken off at any time.

19. All of your friends trust you the most with their deepest, darkest secrets. None of them have murdered anyone, but the point is you’re keeping some crazy stuff to yourself.

20. There’s some of these secrets that you’ve kept to yourself for years. Years. And you’ll never tell a soul. Ever.

21. You thought you would actually learn something new from How To Get Away With Murder, but it turns out you know everything.

22. Every now and then you Google “icicle murder.” But nothing comes up. Because no one who has murdered anyone with an icicle has ever been caught: it’s the only weapon that melts. And therefore it is your favorite weapon.

30 Reasons Sex And the City and Game of Thrones Are Basically The Same Show

On paper, Sex and the City and Game of Thrones are completely different shows. But if you really think about it, they actually have a lot in common . . . .

1. Everyone's just trying to survive. And get laid while surviving.

2. And everyone's also just trying to rule: the ladies on Sex and the City just want to rule New York City, while everyone in the Seven Kingdoms is trying to sit on that iron throne and rule Westeros.

3. On both shows, there's a lot of eating and drinking. (Cough cough, Samantha and Tyrion).

4. Nudity.

5. Lots and lots of nudity.

6. Lots of boobs.

7. Lots of butts.

8. Lots of sex.

9. Lots of sexy sex.

10. Lots of hot dudes. With good butts.

11. Beautiful women who make you wonder what the heck you’re even doing here.

12. An occasional penis.

13. Amazing outfits. Like, the best outfits but we'd never wear them in real life even though we're obsessed with them.

14. Literally the best hair.

15. And sometimes, the worst hair. We’re talking to you, Carrie and Arya (even though Arya couldn’t really help it)

16. Most of the men are Big assholes.

17. They both have dragons.

18. Because on Sex and the City, the penises are the dragons.

19. Sad weddings that make you never want to go to a wedding ever again. (Red wedding, Carrie and Big’s wedding)

20. Lots of drinking (Wine to Westeros = Cosmos to New York City).

21. Carrie Bradshaw = Daenerys Targaryen. She thinks she’s the boss of everything. She works hard and is kind of crazy—and at times, very selfish because she has a hard time seeing things from the perspective of others. But she’s always and stands up for her friends and what she believes in—even if that means it’s the harder choice. She knows when to cut someone out (or, in Khaleesi’s case, when to watch them burn.)

22. Samantha = Cersei Lannister. Sexy, savvy, and a little bit dangerous. You love her, but you’re also kind of terrified of her.

23. Miranda = Melissandre. She thinks she knows everything and believes that sex equals power. You don’t trust her farther than you can see her. She can be a total badass sometimes, though.

24. Charlotte = Margery Tyrell. Sweet, knows what she wants but will do anything to get it. She’s also got an air of mystery to her: once you get to know her, there’s a lot more to her than meets the eye.

25. Big = Jamie Lannister. He is responsible for a lot of horrible things, but changes his ways and eventually begins to make up for it, and kind of make us forget it all happened.

26. Aiden = Robb Stark. Seemingly perfect, loving, forgiving, handsome as hell and loyal as hell. Unfortunately, like King Robb, Aiden basically died when his relationship with Carrie died.

27. Steve = Samwell Tarly. nerdy, awkward, and kind of lost in terms of what to do with life. But they both eventually find their way—and they find their lady.

28. Harry = Tyrion Lannister. Smart, quick witted, but not the first guy you’d exactly go for in the room. He’s whip smart but at times a little not classy (Tyrion’s drinking problem).

29. Smith = Jon Snow. He’s a little brooding and mysterious but has a heart of gold. He’ll always do what he believes is right, and sticks by the people he loves no matter what.

30. New York City = King's Landing. it's where everyone wants to be. where everything happens, except that King's Landing is pretty close if you don't live in the castle.

26 Thoughts from the Mind of Your Vagina

Vaginas do a lot of things. Bad things, gross things, great things, smelly things, awkward things. And one thing's for sure: it has a mind of its own. And this is what goes through its mind . . .

1. I’m so wet.

2. I’m like soooooo wet.

3. Why am I so wet right now?

4. But seriously, there isn’t even a penis nearby.

5. Haven’t seen one in months.

6. Maybe I’ll get wet right now because I hate this underwear.

7. Hmmm. Or eve better, I’ll just make her period come a few days earlier so she has to change.

8. *Evil laugh* surprise period!

9. Hahaha she’s so far away from home, too. LOL.

10. HAHAHAHA cramps. Cramps for days. Cramps so hard she’ll pass out and have to use one of her sick days.

11. LOL I love my job.

12. I didn’t bleed much yesterday, so I guess today will have to be a crime scene.

13. HAHAHAHA LOL Ok. This dude is an asshole.

14. And his dick smells terrible so essentially it's a good thing that he'll never text her back.

15. Wow. I haven’t seen my hair in forever.

16. It’s actually kind of nice to see it for once.

17. My favorite thing about summer is that I can’t help but smell worse than balls.

18. I really do smell like tuna, don’t I?

19. And that sh*t smells disgusting.

20. How can human beings eat tuna?

21. And why do dudes “eat” me?

22. I mean it feels great but wwwwwwww. Gross.

23. I hate it when balls are in my face.

24. What are they even doing there? I hate them.

25. You have no idea how horrible balls are until you have to be as close to them as I do.

26. I might as well make use of myself and become a part-time bread factory #yeastinfection

11 Undeniable Signs You're Dating A Mama's Boy

The bitch baby has a sensitive soul but you will quickly loose interest in him once you witness any of the following signs:

He’s a cheesy romantic: You appreciate the effort but can’t help but roll your eyes at his fail attempts to be “romantic”

He’s socially needy: He worries about what other people think about him, and he especially cares what your friends think of him: which is great. But he makes it all about him and reads into every single thing they do or say.

It’s a huge deal if you don’t respond to his texts within a period of time. But he can ignore your texts ALL HE WANTS and when you say something about it, he calls you crazy.

He always gets his way, and when he doesn’t? He has a temper tantrum that’s basically worse than a toddler’s.

He’s most likely a mama’s boy: He has an open, honest, annoyingly close relationship with her. His mom does everything for him: laundry, shopping, pick out his clothes, book all of his appointments (seriously, he has never scheduled his own haircut).

He’s a whiner: He complains a lot: Like, “it’s soooo hot.” When it’s only 70 degrees. Or, “it’s sooooo cold” when it is also 70 degrees.

He sweats the small stuff: he freaks the fuck out about about little things that probably won’t matter tomorrow, or ever.

He’s highly dependent: He never stands up for you, or for himself. But he expects you to stand up for him. Every freaking time.

He cries more than you do: He cries during every movie. From Moulin Rouge to Fast and Furious.

He takes everything to heart: He lets words hurt him. So if you make a joke at his expense, you’re in big trouble. And probably won’t get sex for a while . . .

He can’t handle the truth. Because deep down, he knows his a freaking bitch baby who can’t handle anything real.

The "Really Horny" Drinking Game

Because the only thing that will distract you from how horny you are right now is alcohol . . .

Take a shot if the batteries in your vibrator are out.

And take a sip if it’s not worth going to the store to get new ones.

Take a sip if you consider watching Magic Mike to relieve yourself.

Take a sip if you haven’t had sex in months, so you are pretty much horny all the time.

Take a sip if you’re in a relationship but haven’t had sex in a while.

Take a sip if you’re really horny, but also a little too tired for actual sex.

Take a sip if you literally just had sex, but for some reason you’re still horny.

Take a sip if you’re magically more horny than you are hungry.

And take a shot if you would actually rather have sex than pizza right now.

And take another shot as you think about how insane that is.

Take a sip if you’re horny because you’re hungry.

Take a sip if you’re horny because you’re bored, and there’s literally nothing else to do right now.

Take a sip if everything is reminding you of sex.

Take a sip if you consider humping your pillow.

Take a sip and cry if you’re on your period, so even if you did find someone to have sex with you, it wouldn’t happen.

Take a sip if thinking about how much you hate your ex is making you so horny.

Take a sip if you’re horny because one time on WebMD you read that orgasms cure colds.

Take a sip if you tried that one time but it didn’t work.

Take a sip if the sound of water running makes you even hornier.

Take a sip if you consider booty texting that guy who you had terrible sex with, but he’ll probably text you back.

Chug while you look at hot celebs in Google images.

Take a shot if you visit a porn site for a few seconds, then immediately decide that it was a terrible idea.

Now drink a glass of water because now you’re not even horny anymore.

37 Thoughts From Your Empty Bottle of Wine

That empty bottle of wine knows you better than anyone else because it truly sees how drunk you really are. It knows your darkest secrets and has been there for your most embarrassing moments . . .

1. No, no. Don’t drink me that fast.

2. When you drink me that fast you can’t even taste me 🙁

3. I’m so cheap, but I still taste good.

4. I swear!

5. It hurts to see me spill.

6. This girl is so drunk.

7. And a gossip.

8. And kind of a slut . . .

9. Ok a lot of slut . . .

10. I can’t believe it is my fault that she texted her ex.

11. And my fault that she invited him to come over later.

12. And my fault that she has a lamp shade on her head right now.

13. And that she’s dancing.

14. Beyonce is great and all . . . but wow this dancing is embarrassing.

15. And I don’t even have eyes . . . I can just feel how awful this is.

16. Being around drunk people when you’re sober is so depressing.

17. HELP!!!!

18. This is embarrassing to watch.

19. I can’t.

20. I can’t even.

21. I’m dehydrated.

22. I wonder what cheese tastes like?

23. Is it really that good?

24. No way it is that good if it comes from cows or goats.

25. Lol literally everyone is so basic.

26. Because she drinks waaaaaay too much of me.

27. Her fingers are greasy AF so honestly I’m glad she won’t pour me again.

28. I better be recycled.

29. I am not hanging out with trash for the rest of my freaking life . . .

30. I am wine. I am better than that.

31. No matter how cheap I am.

32. Ok, I’ll admit it: I’m really insecure about how cheap I am.

33. Expensive wines are mean and honestly bullies.

34. I wonder how long I’m gonna be kept on the bedroom floor before I get thrown out?

35. I give it three weeks, six weeks tops.

36. Or maybe I won’t be thrown out until moving day . . . which could be years.

37. I guess I’ll just have to endure a lot of sleeping and sex and Netflix then.