Author: Cassandra

Dear You All,

I swear you guys have some sort of radar in your head that lets you know when a girl is single. It’s almost like you can sniff them out and then you go in for the kill.

Let me break this down into sections:

Just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I want YOU. 

OR YOU.

To: Bad Boys, or rather F*ck Boys:

Yeah, I know what you want. You’ve been waiting for me to be available so you can slide your way into my pants. You’re hot and bad: everything I should be craving at a   time like this, but you just want me for one thing. If I wasn’t so broken about everything else, I might consider you, but you can’t fix me. You can make me feel good for a little bit, but the feeling won’t last. Afterwards you will leave and I’ll just feel empty. Don’t get me wrong, I have considered you and you, but I don’t want to sleep around to fix my heart. That never seems to work, so I’m saying no to you. You, who needs to go back to your girlfriend, you: who needs to quit distracting my workout with pointless conversations at the gym, and you: who drunk texts me        every weekend. I’m saying no. You can’t fix me with your penis, so stop trying.

Nice Guys:

You are the good ones who want commitment. You would pursue me to marriage. Yes, I want to get married one day, but I’m not at a point to even consider marrying you. I just got out of something serious with someone who I saw myself marrying, so I’m not available. I’m young and want to just date when I’m ready. I’m not committing to marriage on a first meeting, which is what you guys seem to have already decided; especially the ones who are churchgoers. I know you think God told you I was the one, but I’m not feeling it so please stop calling. I’m hurting and I know you want to be the prince charming to save me; you can’t. I’m not broken and the more you try to pursue me, the more I will step back from you. Healing doesn’t have a timeline and you are not him. You are not him. One day I will be ready for that kind of commitment with whoever it may be, but not now, so stop trying to help me heal faster. It won’t work, I promise.

So here’s the deal: I’m single, but I’m emotionally unavailable. No matter who you are, you can’t fix me because I am not broken. There is a difference between heartbreak and brokenness. I’m healing…on my own. I don’t need you or you to heal me. I know you want to, rather it be with sex or actual feelings, but I need to be by myself for awhile. In other words: shut your radar down and go away. I don’t want you and it won’t make a difference no matter how many times you call.

I gave my heart away a long time ago to someone who hasn’t given it back, so how could I possibly begin to give it to someone else?

We started off as friends, then more, and then nothing.

But as for right now, we are stuck in the same love-me-love-me-not carousel game we’ve always been in. It just never stops.

I fell in love with you when we were still kids and you were always my person. I guess you could say I never stopped falling because if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here. 

Any sane person would have cut you out of their lives, but you’re not just any person. My friends have all told me I’m crazy to still love you after you’ve hurt me so deeply. I am moving forward, but still full of love and some days I hate myself for it.

Nice guys have come along, but I shut them down before it begins. I still see you everywhere I look. Why would I drag a nice guy into the same situation I’m in? It wouldn’t be fair. 

And yeah, people are gonna say that I should give them a chance, but I won’t if I’m just going to break their heart. I can't commit to someone if I'm thinking about someone else. 

I know all too well how that feels. I will never use a nice guy to get over someone. And that's why right now, I'm looking for someone a little more… fun.

I’m a good girl. I played by all the rules, but I don’t want a good guy at this point in my life. I’m not ready because I’m still getting over the past. 

I know it sounds all wrong, but a bad boy doesn’t want commitment, which means I can’t hurt him. He isn’t looking for a future so things can’t go anywhere. He has no expectations and I don’t want any put on me. 

If I ghost him, he could careless and if he leaves, I wouldn’t give him a second thought. It’s all physical. He’s hot and he wants to be used. 

He doesn’t mind if I just want to have fun and I don’t want to be judged for that.

Girls can sleep around, too, when their hearts get broken. 

I’m not at all saying you should or that it’s healthy, but don’t hold yourself back because you are stuck on the one who broke your heart.

One day I will find my right guy, I just know it. It may be years from now, but he will show up. He’s never going to leave me confused about where I stand in his life or make me feel unwanted. 

I am guarding my heart for the one man who is crazy about me. I don’t want to let myself fall in love with another boy who just doesn’t see a future with me. 

One day when I am over you, I’ll be ready to settle down with my future. But until that day comes, I’m going to talk to whoever I want, go on as many dates as I please, and if they come home with me? Who gives a damn. 

This is my life and I won’t be judged for turning the good guys down at this time. It’s my choice when I’m ready to move on from the past and today I’m just not quite there yet. 

I won't be shamed for putting myself first.

We’ve all seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You,” right? Well, if you haven't, I would suggest you do, especially if you’re feeling that he’s might not be as into your relationship as you are. How do you really know if he’s into you or not?

I’m no expert and will never claim to be, but there are certain clear-cut red flags to watch out for that tell you he’s just not feeling it.

1. He flakes on you, like all the time.

He says he wants to hang out with you but never makes any actual plans. A guy who wants you will make plans with you and actually follow through. He should want to see you, no matter what.

2. He acts like he lost your number.

After the first date, he doesn’t call you with a follow-up. Men who want to see you again call- it's as simple as that.

3. He's like Houdini with the way he disappears.

If he goes from texting you 24/7 to absolutely nothing for 3 or more days, he is either uninterested or in the hospital. Guys always have their phones and a simple text isn’t hard.

4. You're just his 'friend'.

If he only ever introduces you as his friend, that's suspect. Guys claim territory, as weird as that sounds. So, if he doesn’t want his guy friends making a move on you, he’ll make sure they know you guys are together. If not, you’re still just a friend and he doesn’t really care.

5. It's like he's hiding his family

Let’s face it; mom wants to meet the nice girl Brad’s been dating. If he refuses to let you two meet, he’s not committed. Meeting his mom is a big commitment.

6. He avoids relationship labels.

Some guys are afraid of commitment and you understand that, but you can’t fuck him into a relationship. If he clearly doesn’t want a label after you’re having sex with him, he may not want you outside the bedroom (or wherever you prefer).

7. Do you smell bullshit? Because I do.

There's no straight answers from him when ask about your relationship. He keeps claiming that he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. This is the worldwide excuse that means he doesn’t want you as more than a friend but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

8. Excuses, excuses, excuses

Over the years, I’ve learned that guys can pull believable excuses right out of their ass in .2 seconds. If he wants you, he works everything around you; he won’t put everything before you.

9. He says it's not a 'good time'

He tells you it's not a good time for him to be in a relationship, but also that he loves you. If he really loved you, why wouldn’t he want to be in a relationship with you? You’re an amazing woman. Wouldn’t he want to show you off as his?

10. You’re the only one trying.

A relationship goes two ways. There has to be a mutual level of effort put in to make it work. If you’re the only one putting in the work, it’s time to stop and walk away. He would try if he wanted to try.

11. He's always so nonchalant.

The way a guy treats you is the way he feels. If he’s not making time, talking with you, caring about your feelings, he doesn’t give a shit.

If he doesn’t give a shit, neither should you. Please walk away from someone who doesn’t choose you. It’s going to hurt like hell, but it’s better to walk away now than be the girl he keeps stringing along. You’re worth a relationship and more. You’re worth being loved in return. 

Love yourself enough to let him go.

Hey you, beautiful, tired, chaotic mess that you are. How have you been lately? Wait, I take that question back. I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say you’re fine, but I know you’re everything but fine. That word has been rehearsed to the point where it’s an automatic response to just about anything, but it’s time to get real here.  

You are not okay and it’s okay to not always be okay.

You’re stressed beyond belief and I know how some things may seem absolutely impossible to get through.

Today may be the day you feel like giving up on things or maybe it was yesterday or it could it be tomorrow,

but you can’t do that.

You can’t give up on yourself.

You are an amazing human being who has a purpose in this life you were gifted.

Life is incredibly hard and if you’ve had your heartbroken, you know this all too well. Whatever is breaking your heart right now: a boy, a career, emotions, loss, or life itself, it will get better. You have to give time, time.

Maybe your life seems like it’s a mess, but it is a beautiful one. Life is messy and chaotic, but if it wasn’t, it would just be normal and boring. You feel and there is nothing wrong with feeling. It makes you human. You are a rare gem if you still are able to feel so much in this world where most people have grown cold to emotions. At this point you may have walls up or have shut down a bit; please stop. That smile you wear when you’re happy? It’s gorgeous. That boy you’re crying over? Not worth your tears. That career you’re afraid you won’t get? You go get it.

Getting through life is all about the little moments and trying even when it all goes to shit.

So take a breath and remember that you are a work in progress.

Perfection is impossible.

And you are A-FREAKIN-MAZING.

You get that? You are amazing just the way you are: a beautiful mess,

so don’t give up.

Growing up, I loved getting Valentine’s Day cards from my classmates. It was the thing to do- pass cards around and get candy. Super innocent stuff. Then, one year, I noticed how a few kids didn’t get as many cards as others. That was when my bubble was burst; not everyone likes this day.

Valentine’s Day is a day comprised of the color pink, fancy dates, chocolate, and lingerie. What’s so bad about that? Absolutely nothing.

The fact that it’s an over-sold, one-day-thing that makes people feel lonely as hell? Yeah, there’s something wrong with that.

In High School, most girls were delivered flowers or got chocolates from their secret admirer. Don’t get me wrong, I got that too some years, but every time I didn’t, I felt forgotten. 

The cards weren’t passed around to everyone anymore…it became a choice. You pick a person you like and do things for them. But if you weren’t picked, you didn’t get anything. Who knew that one day out of the year could make some people feel so left out?

It didn’t stop there either. In college, no one really pays too much attention to those things, but when all your friends are in a relationship, it’s hard to ignore that lonely feeling in the back of your mind. You end up feeling the same as that little girl in elementary school who didn’t get that one card from that one person. 

It seriously sucks.

I’m all for the feminist route where I don’t need a man to make me happy, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone to go out with, you know? And I hate that this one day makes me feel like something is wrong with me if I don’t have a special person next to me.

I am special without a man to tell me I am. I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. Even though Valentine's Day can make people really feel their loneliness, I refuse. It’s just a day. 

So for all those people who feel alone on this day, go to the store and buy a big bottle of wine, or whiskey if you’re like me, some chocolate for yourself, and spend it with some of your other single friends.

And if you’re in a relationship, I’m happy for you. Go buy that lingerie and show off that you have that special someone in your life. I’d appreciate if you didn’t rub it in my face, but we all know your pictures will be all over Instagram.

I’m just glad I like the color pink. And chocolate.

So Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. May your day be happy despite your relationship status.

It’s been awhile since we started this relationship. Can I even call it a relationship? 

We’re not friends, but we’re more than friends, yet less than a relationship.

I’m somewhere in between a nothing and a something to you. It’s all very confusing because in my mind I’m yours and you’re mine. 

You don’t want a relationship right now so does that makes me your ‘friends with benefits’?  

I don’t even know what that is and I’m not the type of girl to be okay with that…so why am I okay with whatever this is?

Because I love you and don’t want to lose you?

I do love you more than you know, but why would I want someone who won’t make a decision?

Because I have hope that you’ll change your mind?

Every time we come back to each other again, I hope things will be different – this time we’ll try and get it right, but we’re always an almost. 

I seriously hate the word almost. It’s the saddest thing in the world: to be almost loved by someone, to almost make it and I don’t want that for us.

Right now we are an almost relationship and I’m tired of saying that I’m okay with you not making up your mind. 

It’s not fair that I am constantly thinking about you, but you won’t even text back some days. You have no obligation to us when it’s obvious we’re more than friends. 

I’m always left wondering what to say to people who ask about my relationship status. When any guys ask if I have someone I hesitate, because I do, but it’s not labeled. 

We technically are not anything. What do I say if I can’t call you mine? I’m totally committed to you without the commitment. 

You don’t want to give us a label, but what’s so wrong with a label? I want to show you off and not be afraid of who knows. I don’t want to be kept a secret.

I’m so tired of going back and forth with you and I’m exhausted. I’m technically single, but I’m unavailable to anyone but you. 

If you’re not intending to be with me, we need to let each other go. I don’t want us to be an almost something. I want to say we made it.

I hate to leave it at an ultimatum, but we either give this a shot or not.

So, choose me, love me and fight for me, because I choose you, always.

It’s time to make up your mind.

Everything between us is love because I am in love with you.

But you never know how you feel… you don’t express your emotions as much as I like to. 

We have been friends for years, and I have stood by your side through it all. You are the one guy I would do absolutely anything for. I’ve watched girls walk in and out of your life, and yet I’m still here, which I can’t figure out why.

I've given you more than my heart and I'm not saying I regret it, but I regret overthinking every second of it. Wondering how you felt about all of it, about us. 

Why won’t you open up?

Why won’t you be with me?

After all these years, after making love, after it all, I thought things would be a bit different, but we took two steps back. 

You don’t want commitment and I am no exception to your rule. It took me so long to see this, but you don’t want me.

Because if you did, you’d fight for me and want to call me yours.

You would want to tell the world about us, but I’m just a secret lover who happens to be your best friend too.

I wish I was okay with being your ‘friends with benefits’.

I wish I was willing to accept that you can’t promise me a relationship, but I deserve more than this.

I want to call you mine, and for you to call me yours. 

You have my whole heart. 

I’ve waited years to love you openly and be loved by you and I just can’t wait anymore.

I'm technically single, but I always choose you and that's not fair.

As much as I love you, if you're not willing to love me, I have to let this go. 

This is a carousel that never stops turning and I’m going be sick if I don’t get off.

Dear you,

You may read this one day and you might not, but this is for you: best friend, lover, and everything in between.

You are the most amazing guy friend I have ever had. We laugh together, play fight, and I can tell you just about anything. We are closer than most in the way we know each other. I can read your thoughts before you say them and you know exactly how I think. It’s been six years of a great friendship- sure, we have ups and downs, but we always come back. And during those six years, I fell in love with you.

This time when we came back to each other over the holidays, it was different. You kissed me at that party we went to and I almost fell over; the alcohol had nothing to do with it. Six years is a long time to know someone and not have anything happen yet here we are closer than any two people can be.

I always wanted this, didn’t I?

It hit me like a ton of bricks, but

MY GOD, YES

I wanted this.

So much.

You terrify me, to say the least. I have loved you for years, waiting, wanting, and watching you go after other girls. I was the friend. All it took was a kiss and the rest of me fell headfirst even though you had my heart years ago.

I want to say that I got out of the so called ‘friendzone’ by doing something magical, but truth be told, I did nothing. I was a good friend that stuck around just as he was to me. And while most of you may think I’m crazy for waiting so long, it wasn’t done in vain. When you have a connection with someone, the right time comes eventually. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not patient with much, but with him I was.

So if you’re in the ‘friendzone,’ I’m here to tell you there’s no such thing. It is complete and utter bullshit. If anyone tells you that you are in it, it is nothing but an excuse. Yeah, you may be their best friend, but love always sneaks up on people in weird ways. 6 freaking years. That's a hell of a long time, but I have no regrets. Friendship that turns into a deeper form of love is something some people search their whole lives for. It’s something deep and worth fighting for.

I’m not sure how we ended up like this because I never predicated it, but I guess that’s what makes it so amazing.

You’re my best friend,

my sexy, handsome lover,

and everything in between.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

First of all, having depression and anxiety is not something you talk about on a first date or when you meet someone for the first time. It’s not a topic that’s widely discussed because it makes people uncomfortable. 

I learned many years ago that once I tell someone, they are too careful with me. Yeah, I have some chemical imbalances but no, that does not make me want your pity or to have you look at me like you think you're the cause of my misfortunes. 

I don‘t know how to describe that look, but I know it all too well. 

You can know me for years and not know what’s going on in my head. And you know what? That’s okay for me. I’m something they call high-functioning. 

So really, you could never know and sometimes that’s easier than having to explain my mind when I can’t even explain it to myself.

Secondly, not many people understand depression or anxiety and this makes it easier for them to leave. My brain is wired to believe that you will leave anyway, so I don’t want to give you a reason to. I also tend to overthink absolutely everything.

Especially if I care.

You don’t understand how difficult it is for me to even open up, so once I do, I’m all in. You don’t realize how much I think and it can be a bit scary letting someone know how my brain actually functions. 

I may be so happy and loving one day and then the next I may need my space. My mind is full of ups and downs, but if I love you, my love for you will never change. Loving someone is the one thing I'm always certain of when everything else is uncertain. 

I’m terrified of people leaving and I never want you to be one of them. So I waited.

Finally, anxiety takes a lot out of someone and depression requires a lot of patience. I can look absolutely fine talking with others, but my mind can be in shambles at the same time. 

Let me put it this way; you’ll never know what’s going on in my head, so I will have to explain myself. Explaining myself is the hardest thing to do because half the time I don’t know what I’m actually feeling- if I’m feeling anything at all. 

I’m confusing. I’m harder to love than most. But I will tell you that I love harder than the average person. I have deep-rooted emotions that allow me to feel more than I’d like to sometimes. If you let me in, I will love you with all I have.

I’m not sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner about my mental illness because it is not who I am. I refuse to be defined by it. It is my choice when you find out, and that gives me some control over this part of myself that tries to control me. 

So yes, I’m going to tell you, and yes, I'm going to trust you. I’m not as fragile as you think. I hope you try to understand me. 

All I ask is that you try because on most days that’s all I can promise, too.