22 Times Your Roommate Saved Your Life

College ain’t always easy. But if you’re lucky, your roommate might also be one of your best friends in the world. And that makes things a whole lot easier. She saves your life on the regular, and you can’t thank her enough:

  1. She agreed to go out with you, even though she’d already settled in to watch The Mindy Project in her pjs, because you needed your bestie to be your wingman and/or emotional pillar.
  2. And then she totally didn’t complain when you ditched her for that cute DJ the second you got to the party.
  3. She let you have the room later that night, after you’d dragged her out and then ditched her. Bless.
  4. But when you just needed to stay in for the night, she was right there with you to make nachos and combine all your blankets into a mega fort.
  5. All those times she made you laugh so hard you might have peed a little.
  6. She let you borrow that perfect dress when you just had nothing to wear. Well ok, she forgave you after you borrowed her dress without asking first. That’s what best roommates are for.
  7. She also forgave you for all the make-up, shoes and granola bars you “borrowed.” And for that one time you accidentally wore her underwear for a full day.
  8. And She understands that you need to live-text her second-by-second updates to get through awkward social situations.
  9. She also understands exactly what your texts mean, even when it’s just the nail-painting emoji ten times in a row.
  10. She was psyched about Facebook stalking the cute DJ with you, even though she had a paper to write, because your hypothetical love life is more important to her than school.
  11. When she took the time to be your mom. Whether that meant getting you medicine, or cupcakes, or just plain telling you to stop whining and get over it.
  12. And when you couldn’t get over it, she was a shoulder to cry on. Always.
  13. When she gently explained that your fringe crop-top looked heinous and you were not pulling it off.
  14. She routinely forgave you for being an undisciplined slob and leaving your crap on her bed.
  15. All the times she let you vent. About your evil professor who hates you, about your acapella group drama, about boys, boys and more boys—she was always ready to listen.
  16. All the times she offered you spot-on, thoughtful advice, and never accused you of reading too much into text messages.
  17. And then when you ignored all her advice and ended up in tears, she never said “I told you so.” Not right away, at least.
  18. She was your biggest relationship cheerleader, even when your beau was hanging out in your room way too much.
  19. But when things went sour, she was the first to tell you that DJ guy was a total douche, and that she’d always known you deserved better.
  20. She took care of you when you were trashed. She didn’t laugh when she caught you rocking out to The Spice Girls. Basically, she never let you feel embarrassed when you were around her.
  21. When she totally covered for you. If you needed to pull an early exit, or get a clingy guy off your trail at a party, she was always there to be your bodyguard/mama bear/fake girlfriend.
  22. All those times she was just the best best-friend-roomie anyone could ever ask for. She let you be you, and she made sharing a tiny space an amazing bonding adventure. Let’s hear it for all the life-saving roommates out there.      Header Image Source 

18 Things People Who Suffer from FOMO Will Understand

FOMO

(Fear of Missing Out) is an epidemic in this day and age. In the olden days, people probably didn’t even have FOMO because they didn’t see cool people out at parties on Instagram. They were too busy churning butter or lighting their kerosene lamps or whatever.

But in today’s world, we must all live with the constant fear that someone, somewhere is having a better time than we are (and then posting about it online just to make us feel bad):

You frequently over-schedule yourself. You say YES! to so many cool things on Friday that you can’t actually go to all of them, which just gives you worse FOMO.

 

8 Signs You’re Way Less of a Trainwreck Than You Think You Are

At some point in their lives, everybody feels like a bit of a hot mess, that they can't get it together no matter how hard they try.

It starts to feel like everyone and their mother seems to be killing it, and we can't even find two matching socks. 

But even on the worst days, it’s good to remember that things aren’t as bleak as they seem:

1. You probably shouldn't have slept with your ex, but now you for sure won't do it again.

Those colossal fuck ups are what teach us to never make that kind of mistake ever again… EW.

You live and you learn. At any rate, you live.

2. Rule  #9071: You're not bored, you're hungry.

Remember when you were a little kid, and you thought being an adult meant Eating sour straws for dinner and staying up all night without anyone telling you otherwise?

Well, chances are you’re slightly more together than that. Yes, you might indulge in ramen and pizza and late night carousing sometimes, but on the whole, you eat and sleep like an acceptable human person.

3. Your #Goals are #realistic. 

Ok, you might not have a five-year plan (or a five-day plan), and you might not have the job you want (or any job at all). 

But you’re starting to figure out what it is you want to do—or, at least, what you don’t want to do, which can be just as valuable.

4. You have a strong understanding of how you want to be treated.

Right now you might be feeling that forever alone feeling pretty hard, but every torturous date and awkward hook up brings you one step closer to knowing what you actually want out of a relationship. 

Hey, at least now you know that you don’t want to date that guy who compared you to his mother on the first date!

5. You've got some quality friends.

If there’s one true friend  in your life who you can groan at on the bad days and gush at on the good days, someone who will share wine and heartache and the aftermath of awkward job interviews, then you’re way ahead of the game.

6. You have a roof over your head, literally.

It doesn’t have to be fancy or especially clean, it just has to be a place where you can sleep and throw your stuff around. 

When it feels like everything is coming apart at the seams, having a room of one’s own is a reminder that it’s not all bad.

7. You have the motivation… it just takes some effort to get to it.

The first step to having your shit together is actually you actually giving a f*ck about something. 

If you can name at least one cause or subject or cute dog that you genuinely find interesting and worthwhile, then you’re farther along than a lot of people.

8. You are nowhere near the same person you used to be.

Change is good and you are definitely on the right track.

23 Things Only Painfully Unathletic People Will Understand

I am not an athlete. In school, I was always picked last in gym. My 8th grade soccer team, The Turtles, went completely defeated. I do exercise nowadays, but I probably spend twice as much time complaining about it. But that’s ok! If you’re reading this, chances are you’re also a proud non-athlete. So you understand the struggle:

  1. Just thinking about the presidential fitness test still gives you anxiety.
  2. Your parents signed you up for every sport trying to find “the right fit for you.” Turns out the right fit for you was faking menstrual cramps to get out of gym class.
  3. When you finally got picked for a team, you were always terrified of the ball.
  4. And yet the ball always managed to smack you in the face, anyway.
  5. You were perfectly happy to sacrifice yourself in dodgeball, so you could sit on the side with your friends and spend a few precious moments not being hit with balls.
  6. You’re a little suspicious of people who can do more than one push up in a row. Are they wizards??
  7. Now that you’re an adult, you can enjoy non-competitive exercising. Or at least, getting in your gym clothes and napping while procrastinating on exercising.
  8. Seriously, why are gym clothes all stretchy comfy clothes ideal for napping? They’re basically asking for you to nap in them.
  9. When you do actually go to the gym, you’re so impressed with yourself that you have to tell everyone you know. Want to get dinner? Oh wait, I can’t. I’m going to the GYM.
  10. When you’re at the gym, though, you’re a little nervous. What are all these strange torture devices and how am I supposed to sit on them?
  11. So you just kinda lurk around watching the athletic people like a creep. Cool, I’ll just do what he’s doing… but with the five-pound weights…
  12. Or you take an exercise class, and you suffer in the back trying not to hack up a lung while everyone else does their yoga/Zumba/hip hop/spinning thing.
  13. And then you’re sore and effectively paralyzed for at least a DAY after exercising. Possibly a week.
  14. You still don’t really understand the rules of football, and now you’re afraid to ask.
  15. Well, you don’t really know anything about any sports or sports teams. Ah yes, sports. I support the Mighty… Ducks? That’s a thing, right?
  16. You’re embarrassed when you try to work out with your athletic friends. But you also love your athletic friends. Who else would help you carry furniture and heavy boxes?
  17. Yeah, you’re not so much the person people go to when they need help lifting heavy boxes.
  18. Running with a group usually means running by yourself, 50 feet behind a group.
  19. And when you do run, you look a little like a giant toddler.
  20. People always seem to think that you’re “just not trying!” when the truth is that you really are just that bad at Frisbee.
  21. Seriously, what does “it’s all in the wrist” even mean?
  22. “Fitspo” photos have little effect on you. Oh “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”? Really? Have you ever HAD pizza?
  23. Because you know that exercise is good for you, but you’re also perfectly fine with the fact that you’ll never be an Olympic champ. You’d rather be a happy, unathletic person with a one-pack.

18 Things That Happen When You’re the Third Wheel

The only thing better than being totally and completely single is being totally and completely single when all of your friends are in long-term relationships. Fun, right?!

Now there’s nothing wrong with rocking the single life… but it can be a tad hard to do your solo thing when you’re hanging out with a pair of cutesy lovebirds. Barf.

  1. When you all go out to eat, you get an entire side of the booth to yourself. Yay… more room to think about how I’ll be alone forever…
  2. Why are sidewalks so narrow? Why are you always stuck walking slightly behind them, like you’re their sullen teenage child?
  3. The PDA. Oh dear god, the PDA.
  4. Where are you supposed to look when they start kissing each other? You can’t look at them. So you end up staring blankly into space and willing your body to melt into the earth.
  5. The kissing is pretty gross. And yet somehow when they tenderly brush food off each other’s faces it’s SO MUCH WORSE.
  6. Or they start with the pet names. No one should ever call another human being sugar lips.
  7. There’s always that one awkward cab or bus ride where you somehow end up sitting in between them. Let me out… LET ME OUT…
  8. You end up focusing on your meal way more than you normally would. Yup, you two are cuddling again… just gonna eat my fries… at least you love me, fries…
  9. And you probably end up drinking more than usual. Good thing I’m here with my date, alcohol…
  10. You try not to lose it when they start giving you unsolicited relationship advice. Oh, you guys think I should PUT MYSELF OUT THERE MORE? Why didn’t *I* think of that???
  11. I appreciate that you guys are trying to be nice, but PLEASE stop saying that I’ll “find someone someday.”
  12. Sometimes they take pity on you and try to set you up with someone so all four of you can double date! But the people they set you up with are usually so blah that you start to think your friend secretly hates you or something.
  13. And then other times you thought it would just be you and your bestie chilling and SURPRISE, their new boo shows up with no warning. Look guys, just give me a heads up. So I can mentally prepare for pretending to text all night while you guys stare at each other.
  14. If your friend has told you anything weird about their lover or their sex life, then you are going to spend the whole evening thinking about that one weird thing.
  15. You’re really very happy for your friend for having a new S.O. But if you have to watch them slow dance while you awkwardly dance on your own ONE MORE TIME, you’re really going to lose it.
  16. And then there are those infinite stretches of time when your friend is in the bathroom, and you’re just hanging with your friend’s bae. It’s not that you don’t like your friend’s bae. It’s just that there are only so many times you can ask, “So what was your major again?” before it’s rude.
  17. Once in a while you and your best friend’s S.O. actually do have a pleasant conversation (about how much you both love your BFF, of course), and you can kinda see why your friend likes them so much.
  18. But then your friend comes back and they start making out.

17 Signs You’re a Functional Daydreamer

You’re not a total ditz, but you do like to indulge in the occasional fantasy. Your head is in the clouds, your feet are firmly planted on the ground, and you’re an all-around functional daydreamer:

  1. When you see a cute guy on the bus, you still manage to get off at the right stop. But you do take a detour and imagine what your married life would be like. Wow he’s so cute… I hope he knows that I don’t want to change my last name if we get married… Well, maybe I would hyphenate… Our house should def have a kitchen island…
  2. You don’t mind long car drives. More time to imagine what you would do if you were a billionaire and had a pet sabertooth tiger.
  3. You spend a lot of time practicing acceptance speeches for award shows. You have separate speeches planned for winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar or Tony. And one for the Golden Globes. And the VMAs. And maybe the Noble Peace Prize. It’s good to be prepared.
  4. You frequently realize that you’ve been zoning out and just staring at a stranger. But you’re really good at playing it off like you were just staring at the wall behind them.
  5. You’re pretty killer at any game about hypothetically being stranded on a desert island.
  6. You know exactly where you and your fictional TV character crush would live if you were married, and what you would name your children. I hope Tyrion Lannister isn’t against naming our firstborn Charlie…
  7. You’re a pro at pretending that you were listening, even if you were really thinking about where in your mansion you would keep your ocelot.
  8. You’ve successfully written entire papers with only the vaguest idea of what the assignment was. (Oh, what, like it’s your fault that fantasizing about being a spy was more interesting than listening to the lecture?)
  9. People-watching is one of your all-time favorite hobbies.
  10. You know that most of your fantasies are wildly unlikely… but that doesn’t stop you from having an air-tight escape plan in case of zombie apocalypse.
  11. You can take one hell of a long shower. That’s where you come up with your best ideas for screenplays that you have no intention of ever writing.
  12. You’ve never walked into a wall or lamppost, but you have almost walked into a wall or lamppost while in the middle of a truly great daydream.
  13. Your friends are used to your endless suggestions for possible film adaptations, theme restaurants, and reality tv shows. It’s like America’s Next Top Model… but with pet grooming!
  14. Whenever you see a baby, you go through about five hypothetical futures for when/if you have kids. Mostly about how well-dressed your children will be. I think I’ll buy one of those cute little newsboy caps for my future son, Charlie Lannister…
  15. You might be a daydreamer, but you can always tell reality from fantasy. Reality is usually the less interesting one.
  16. You know by now that you need to make a herculean effort to focus when meeting someone new. Must… not… space… out… what were we talking about again?
  17. You can focus when it comes down to it. It’s just that you can also entertain yourself by staring out the window for long stretches of time.

An Open Letter to My Friend’s New Boyfriend

Hello.

First of all, congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means that my beautiful, intelligent friend has chosen YOU to be her very own boyfriend. You should be VERY happy about this, because she’s wonderful and kind.

I’m her friend. And guess what, I don’t have to be wonderful or kind (not to you, anyway). 

So… first things first:

Treat her well. Or else.

Look, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. You seem like an okay guy. I want to be nice to you. But I know my friend, and that chick has had some lousy experiences with men.

If you’re good to her, we won’t have a problem. I will help your girlfriend plan surprise parties for you, and I will give her all my best sex tips. I’ll even pretend to be interested in your life when I have to hang out with you (but please don’t tell me about any screenplays and/or poems you’re writing).

If you f*ck up mildly, I’ll tell her to give you a second chance, because you make her so very happy. But will never give you a second chance. 

If you f*ck up majorly, I will make her dump you. Yes, I have that power. I singlehandedly convinced her to get that pixie cut, and I made her believe that her singing voice is not terrible (even though it is). If you hurt her, revenge will be swift and merciless. I will not hesitate to reveal all of your secrets on social media.

This is because…

I know everything.

Yes, I know all of your secrets. I know all of your weird sex preferences (you’re just lucky my friend is also a pervert). I know that you briefly had feelings for your cousin. Your girlfriend tells me everything.

I’ve also Facebook stalked you extensively, since she won’t do it because she “trusts you” or whatever. I saw that selfie with that girl from your gym. I will happily befriend your exes just to get the scoop and report back to my sweet, naïve friend. So you’d better be telling her everything, too.

My advice:

Be nice to me.

If you ever think that I’m flirting with you, then you are very, very wrong. If you make any attempt to flirt with me, I will be reporting it to your girlfriend at once. BUT you must also tell me that I look nice when I go out for a girls’ night with your girlfriend. I know it’s a thin line to walk, but I don’t make the rules, pal. I just enforce them.

And if you EVER plan to buy your girlfriend a present (and you’d better), you MUST consult me first. How else can I warn you that she hates heart-shaped jewelry? I know her dress size, her favorite color, and her favorite Game of Thrones character. Stay on my good side, and you’ll never forget a single anniversary.

Also, you should be a nice guy and set me up with one of your cute single friends so we can double date. But if I don’t like him, I’ll hold it against you forever. So choose wisely.

Just so you remember…

I’ll always be on her side.

Even if she’s clearly in the wrong. Sorry, dude. I’m a reasonable person, but if she decides to be unreasonable, then my hands are tied. So if I scream insults at you, don’t take it personally. I’m just being a good friend.

So, welcome to the family! If you make my friend happy, then you make me happy. I’m so glad that you found each other. Don’t screw it up.

Sincerely,

Your girlfriend’s friend.

P.S. Cheat on her and I’ll claw your eyes right out.

31 Signs You’ve Become Squidward

As the magic of childhood wanes and the drudgery of the adult world begins to set in, you realize that you’re not the carefree sponge you used to be. Instead, you’ve become Squidward.

The older you get, the more you understand Squidward’s anger:

  1. You’re not a morning person. Is it time already for you to ruin my day?
  2. You’re only happy when people FINALLY leave you alone and you can go back to your life of quiet desperation.
  3. You’ve answered the phone with: Hello. You’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.
  4. There are always these f*cking cheerful people around with their f*cking creepy dolphin laughter.
  5. You would totally try canned bread.
  6. You don’t have a resting bitch face so much as a permanent mask of apathy.
  7. Your patience for stupidity is minimal.
  8. Customer service jobs are hell for you.
  9. You continually lower your expectations, and yet it seems that they’re never quite low enough.
  10. Romantic movies are not really your thing. It’s just a cruel reminder that I’m single and likely to stay that way forever.
  11. You’re perpetually exhausted. I might as well sleep for 100 years or so.
  12. So your response to stress is usually sleep. Wake me up when I care.
  13. You know that you’re an artistic genius, but you are wildly unappreciated.
  14. Woe to any of your neighbors who make too much noise when you’re having me time.
  15. You just don’t understand the things that seem to amuse some people. Or why they post inane things on Facebook. Or why they’re always smiling.
  16. You listen to public radio.
  17. Your ideal day involves ignoring most other people.
  18. When people are acting ridiculous, you wish you could do a deadpan take to the camera.
  19. Optimism doesn’t come easily to you (but sarcasm does).
  20. You’re never less happy then when you have to pretend to be cheerful.
  21. Another day, another migraine.
  22. When you hear some people speak, you can actually feel your IQ dropping.
  23. You dream of someday having your genius recognized…
  24. …but at the same time you don’t want to ever have to interact with other people.
  25. Good days make you suspicious, because you know something awful is about to happen.
  26. You do kind of enjoy complaining, though.
  27. You’ve said the words I have no soul and meant it.
  28. People have stopped asking you to do things that you hate, because you’re not afraid of saying NO.
  29. On the rare occasion that you are happy, EVERYONE knows it.
  30. Because deep down you do care. A little.
  31. Very deep down, though. Under several layers of disdain and indifference.

10 Ways Only Children Love Differently

Yes, we didn’t have any brothers or sisters growing up and no, that doesn’t make us spoiled, lonely monsters. We’re just normal people who are good at talking to grown-ups and bad at sharing.

It does mean that we love a little differently, though:

1. We’re independent.

Surprise! Yeah, we’re used to doing things on our own, and we can take care of ourselves. We don’t need a big brother to hold our hand, and we’re perfectly comfortable striking out on our own. We’re never going to lose ourselves in a relationship, because we’re just too damn used to doing our own thing.

2. We’re mature beyond our years.

Do you even know how many adult functions we attended as children? We’re used to talking to adults, and we were pretty much treated like small adults from the time we started school. So even if we’re not the perfect grown-ups, we’re sure good at faking it.

3. We’re not used to teasing.

Why are you saying mean things to me and then laughing?? We didn’t grow up bickering with brothers and sisters, so we may not really *get* the whole teasing thing. Or we might try to make up for all that lost teasing from our childhoods, and want to tease and wrestle with you all the time.

4. We’re creative.

So many years talking to ourselves and to our imaginary friends means that we’ve developed quite the imagination. We’ve learned a thousand different ways to avoid boredom with only adults to talk to, so you’ll never have a dull day with us around.

5. We need space.

We’ve always had our own room, and we like our alone time. The idea of another person being all over our space and touching our stuff is a little weird and scary. We still love you, we just need to withdraw into our own little world every once in a while.

6. But once we open up, we’re all about affection.

We’re not all spoiled, but we are used to being the center of attention and focusing all our love on one or two people. So when we’re not taking our alone time, we’ll probably be all over you. And we’ll revel in any attention you give us. We’re just so excited not to be alone for once!

7. What is sharing?

Ok, we can share when it comes to the important stuff. But do NOT try to eat our fries or borrow our stuff without asking. We won’t understand what is happening, and we might attack if provoked.

8. We don’t like sharing people, either.

We’re not jealous harpies, but if we love you then we probably want you all for ourselves. We can be a little possessive and territorial when it comes to our people. But it’s only because we care! A lot!

9. Our friends are family.

We never had siblings, so our friends and partners are very important to us (yes, we are actually well-adjusted people with friends and social lives). We’ll want to add you to our little make-shift family, too.

10. We love hard.

We don’t have a big family, and it takes a lot for someone to make it into our inner circle. We only really trust a select few individuals. So if we love you, we go all in. We’re picky about the people we love, but once we’ve chosen you, we’ll love you with everything we’ve got.

10 Real Reasons She's Dodging His Texts After Just One Date

I prefer the term fade away or fizzling out to ghosting. But… you know that thing where you go on a dates and then one of the people just ceases communication in order to end things without having to be a grown up and talk about it? 

Yeah, I’ve totally done that.

Look, I have no real excuse. Except that Kermit and Miss Piggy split up so love is dead, anyway. 

1. You're great, just not great enough.

I'm not thaaat into you…you figured that much out, right? I mean, you’re not that good at taking hints, so I just want to make sure…

2. We weren't 'anything' so you don't care that much, right?

We weren’t dating dating. We just went on a couple of dates. That doesn’t really count as DATING, does it? 

Oh, you think it does count? Well, that’s another example of how we’re not a good fit.

3. You definitely didn't even like me that much.

I didn’t give you any of my A game. So now I’m letting you down “gently.” Is that so wrong? It is? Wow, we really have nothing in common at all. Why do you even like me?! I’m terrible!

4. I'm a garbage person.

See above.

5. I really thought you were picking up what I was putting down…

Look, buddy, we had no chemistry. And you should have figured out what my lack of texts mean by now. So really it’s kind of your fault that I’m drawing this out forever like Vietnam.

6. You were pretty offensive, but not even in a good 'let's debate' way. 

I would never miss an opportunity to have a nice, chewy, face-to-face breakup. But you did something minor that ticked me off, and now I’m going to punish you by responding to all your texts with vague emoji. Like a mature adult.

7. If I had to carry one more conversation with you, I'd probably die.

Mostly I just couldn’t think up a very good reason to stop seeing you, besides my strong desire to stop seeing you.

8. You were all sorts of too hot and heavy.

Ughh you were always TEXTING and snapchatting me. Snapchat should never be used as a mode of actual communication! 

Now, would I still be complaining if you had never texted me? Yes, probably. 

But just because I’m a hypocrite, it doesn’t mean you should shapchat me to ask “hey, how are you?” after we haven’t talked in three weeks

Let it die a natural death, man.

9. Guys do it all the time, so it's fine when I do it… it's a cycle.

Ok, it’s not really fair to bring up the sad parade of misfit toys I’ve dated in the past… but guys have totally done this to me before! And it made me upset! 

So I decided to keep up the cycle of poor communication and disrespect by emulating their poor behavior! How is that my fault??

10. But mostly, it's that I'm a garbage person.

Yeah, I’m the worst, don’t try to love me.

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