Author: Cheyenne Banson

We sat on a couch watching tv when everything changed. I looked up at him and laughed about a part from the movie. Just then he says, "I love you." 

I froze. 

I shook my head. 

I tried to come up with something. Just SOMETHING to respond with. 

"No. No you can't. Wait… I mean you can. I just can't say it right now." I blurted out. I didn't have the words to say. What am I supposed to say?! 

"It's okay. I always knew I felt more strongly for you than you did for me, I just had to tell you." My heart broke with each word that fell from his mouth. 

I'm just a fool. 

How could I even begin to say in that moment the words on my heart? How could I explain the feeling in my gut? 

But here it is. I don't know what I want. I don't know what love is. 

I know I love the way you look at me, with so much light and fire. I know I love the way you laugh so hard when I run my fingers across your ribs. 

I know I love the sound of your voice when you sing and the strum of the guitar when you play. I know I love how smart and talented you are. 

I know I love the way you motivate me and encourage me. I know I love the way you believe in me, even when I don't see it myself. 

But. I don't know how to be so open and vulnerable. I don't know how to make sense of a universe who put a guy like you in my life. 

I don't know how to be fully me AND you be fully you, and us work out. I don't know if I can trample through the same things with you that I hated about my childhood. 

I just don't know. Maybe that makes me a fool. You should know, though, I'm a fool for you. 

I'm crazy about you. You run through my mind constantly, trying to find some way to make that feeling in my gut ease so I can run back into your arms. 

Who knew love could be so cruel.

Fill up my cup. 

Drown out the pain. 

Forget his name. 

Forget his face. 

Turn up the music louder. 

Dance a little faster. 

Laugh about anything. 

Go home alone. 

Cry one more time. 

Try to fall asleep to ease the ache. 

I walked away. I'M the one that ended it. I don't care, I promise. I'll get over it. I just need to move on. I wasn't really looking for anything serious anyways. 

What a joke… 

I can't accept that your lost. I should have just kept my mouth shut, turned off the overthinking mind. I should have realized what I'd be missing out on. Because I do now. I know what I'm missing.

Your endless love. You're beautiful green eyes. You're strong arms wrapped around me. You're beautiful smile. Your encouragement. You challenging me. You motivating me. 

I know what I'm missing. 

But I act like I don't care, whatever. It's easier that way. 

Someday I hope you find a picture of us. The candid photo of us laughing or the one with us walking hand in hand across the bridge. I hope you look at the photo and remember everything. I hope you remember all the good memories and start to wonder about me. 

I hope you wonder if I still carry the naive and innocent aura you used to adore so much. 

I hope you wonder if I still demand a pinky promise on an agreement. 

I hope you wonder if I still love the sound of a thunderstorm. 

Mostly, I hope you wonder if I've moved on from you. 

But you don't have to wonder long, because here are the answers: 

My naive and innocent nature left the moment I realized I'd lost the best thing that had happened to me. I blame myself for pushing you away. You will always be the one that got away.

I still require a pinky promise on an agreement, but I think of you every time I do. I remember that time you made me pinky promise that I believed you when you said I was beautiful.

Thunderstorms always help me sleep better, you knew that. They'll never come close to the warmth I felt being held by you though. 

Lastly, if you wonder if I've moved on… You should know that I haven't. You should know that you still hold my heart. You should know I still run the memories through my head, smiling at all the good ones and cringing when I think about how I screwed it all up. 

Someday I'm going to run across an old picture of us and it'll all come flooding back. I'll wonder where you are and who you're with. I'll wonder if your green eyes are still as bright as they were. I'll wonder if you still love golfing even though you aren't that good. Mostly, I'll wonder if you ever think of me. 

Then, I'll shake my head to stop thinking about the what ifs. Because I know when you go to bed with her at night, you don't even remember who I am. 

This summer started off like any other. Making promises to myself to spend countless hours in the water, go cliff diving, and to save up a whole bunch of money for the fall. One thing I hadn't anticipated was YOU.

That night was just supposed to be a fun night with my girlfriends, but somehow you got dragged along too. I don't know what made you so attractive to me. Maybe it was the way you were so carefree, how responsible you seemed, or the way you're smile lit up the darkest areas. 

Whatever it was, I craved it. I craved the way you smiled at me. I craved the way you ran your eyes over me. I craved your laughter and your words. Mostly, I craved your arms around me. 

And that's exactly what happened. I woke up entangled in your arms. But then I thought of everything that changed the night before. My innocence was no more. My pride was flushed down the drain. I definitely thought I had just been the most vulnerable with a man who merely thought of me as a one night stand. So I ran and I didn't look back, terrified of being broken all over again. 

Now weeks later, you're still around. Sharing your laughter, words, and gorgeous smile. I still crave it and that scares me. It scares me because you've seen this vulnerability about me that I've never shared with anyone else. It scares me because I don't know the thoughts in you're head. But mostly it scares me because even though I crave your attention, I know I want nothing more with you. 

I know I only want that fun summer, the one spent in the water or cliff diving or staying out till 3 am with a man who adores me. But that's all. When the bright skies come to an end and the nights get colder I don't see a future with you.

And that's terrifying. The fact that I gave my innocence and vulnerability to a guy I only see a fun summer with.

I wish I could say I've moved on and I'm doing better. I wish I could say it doesn't hurt me when I see you with her. I wish I could say I don't try so hard to look pretty when I know you'll be around. But the truth is, if I said any of that I'd be lying. 

But it's not because YOU walked away. It's because you walking away was the last straw. 

You know how many times I've been left behind? Too many to count. They weren't always boys, like you. My parents have left and some of my friends too. 

But I thought you were going to be different. I thought the compliments you gave me were real and sincere. 

You said you and her were done for good. But obviously I should of been more like her. Obviously my broken and torn heart was too much for you to repair. 

Somehow you liking me wasn't enough, because in the end you LOVED her. 

And I want so badly for you to come back. Just so I can say "no". Just so I can let you feel the rejection that I felt when you TEXTED me goodbye. 

I want you to see me around and hurt, just like it's hurt me. I want you to see me laughing and fawning over another man and to realize you made the biggest mistake by letting me go. 

Because, you did. Maybe you don't know it now, but walking away from me was your biggest mistake. Because I will NOT wait around for you and you definitely don't deserve a second chance. 

I deserve a guy that will always choose me first, and you didn't. And that is one mistake I am not willing to forgive. 

So yes, I'm lonely, I'm hurt, and I miss the good memories. But let me be clear: It wasn't because you left.

I lay in my bed next to him. The guy who stole my virginity. No, I wasn't raped, but I sure felt taken advantage of. I felt disgusted with myself and I felt dirty.

I wake up the next morning and pray it was just a bad nightmare, but I turn over and he's still there, asleep. I jump up, ignoring my pounding head and get dressed. I wanted so badly to get him out of my apartment. It haunts me that he treated that morning like no big deal. Maybe because to him, it wasn't. He had done this with many other girls and I was no different. "Make sure she won't tell, and move on" I'm sure were the thoughts in his head. But he didn't get it. I didn't want people to know I'd given up my virginity and it wasn't even MY choice.

It was my choice to invite him out with me. It was my choice to drink more than I should of. It was my choice to let him stay at my apartment, in my room. It was my choice to kiss him and let him feel me up. But it was never my intention to have sex with him. I just remember feeling pain and realizing what was happening and saying, "No, I don't want to". And he stopped. He didn't question it, he didn't try to convince me otherwise. He just stopped. But it had already happened. I had made choices that led me to this situation. And I felt gross.

I'd waited 20 years. I'd said "no" to guys that I cared about. I'd ended relationships and got dumped because I wasn't willing to give away that part of myself. In one night, it felt like it all went to crap. Because of one mistake. Because I had made choice after choice that led a drunk man to my room and ultimately to my bed.

As days passed, I tried so desperately to get the image out of my head. I wanted to forget that night. I wanted to rewind and do it all over again. But I couldn't, and that left me feeling more depressed than I'd like to admit.

Friends tried to talk me up. They tried to tell me that it was okay, and this one mistake didn't define me. But no matter what they said the grime and dirt didn't leave me.

Until one day, it did. Until one day, I left the past in past. I left the guy who had taken advantage of the situation in the dust, where he belonged. I remembered who I was. I was strong and independent and that night didn't define me. Because even though it happened, it wasn't REAL. It wasn't what I had saved myself for. He wasn't the man that deserved the most vulnerable piece of me. So I walked away. I walked away from the images in my head, the thoughts crowding my sleepless nights, and the grime that had invaded my body.

I walked away because in the end no guy can destroy what us girls have built up. No guy can define who we are and what choices we make. WE do that. We choose who we are and how we will react to mistakes. I chose to walk away. I chose to be the girl that learns from the mistake I made. Will you?