Author: Cheyenne

Sometimes, it just hits you. Suddenly, you’re collapsing onto yourself from the inside out and you just don’t know what to do. You cry, scream, stare. Thoughts of being better off gone swirl in your mind.

As a suicide attempt survivor, I’m here to tell you: do not end your life.

There are going to be times in your life where you feel as though you can’t function. It gets overwhelming and you feel like it’s just your time. But, darling, you have so much to live for.

You have a whole future ahead of yourself, and I promise you that it gets better. The crying will turn to smiles. The screaming will become laughter. The staring becomes observing the beauty of things.

You have so much to look forward to. Graduating, buying your own home, finding your best friend in a partner, creating a beautiful family of your own. All of those moments, and the joy they will bring you, outweigh what you are feeling now.

I have been in your position before. I remember the feelings that you’re having right now. I remember it all.

I also remember the look on my parents face when they walked into my hospital room, my mom in tears and my dad so upset that he can’t even speak. I remember my best friend being the first person there, telling me how much they loved me, and how they wish I would have talked to them. I remember the heartbreak written on their faces.

You may feel alone, but I promise you are not alone. You are precious to someone, so reach out to them. They will listen, they will try to help you, and they will support you through all recoveries.

You are worth so much more than what you give yourself. You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are loved. As a survivor, I am here to tell you that life does get better, and living life is worth it.

Stay strong.

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I always thought I would be so angry at you. Of course, I never expected it to be you. You had known him less than a month, yet somehow you just thought he was worth it. Well, sweetie, I am so sorry for you.

Although you think you have won, you have only begun to lose. You didn’t gain a loyal companion. You didn’t gain someone you can trust easily. All you gained was a lot of hard work that will leave you exhausted at the end of it all.

You knew he was in a relationship, but you proceeded anyway. I can’t even be mad at you, though. Knowing him, he promised you great things and something very loving. He lied to you the same way he had lied to me.

I hope the best for you. I hope he treats you better than me. I hope you never have to deal with the name-calling, the yelling, the peer pressure.

But, what I really hope most, is that you don’t let him make you feel worthless. I don’t know you, I don’t hate you, and I hope you care enough about yourself to run.

It’s going to come eventually darling; he’s going to try to tear you apart. Be strong, because although you did me wrong, I want you to be happy. I am so sorry for what you’re about to go through. He’s no prince charming and you’re about to find out the hard way.

Have fun.

You were there in the hospital when I was rushed to the emergency room. As I lay there barely conscious, having just survived a very large overdose, the first thing you said was how crazy I am.

“This isn’t how you get my attention. You’re a psychopath, who does this?”

So here I am, working on myself and recovering to come out and say: My suicide attempt was not done for your attention, your pity, or to make you stay with me.

We had broken up. Did that destroy me? Of course. That is not why I attempted though, I could have lived with the breakup. You, though, you are far from innocent in this situation.

I want you to remember the texts you sent me. Constantly. Back to back. Over and over. You remember, don’t you? The texts that said no one else would ever love me like you loved me, but you also didn’t love me because you can’t “love the person I am.”

You told me that I was too emotional for you, too needy. You knew that I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, but you were more than willing to throw these illnesses back in my face at any chance you could. 

When you finally grew the balls to break up with me, I knew I could survive living without you. But what I couldn’t survive were the words that scarred my heart and damaged my soul. You told me that I was boring, that you needed to experience something new and fun because you know you’d never find that with me. You told me that I had lost my spark and became dull in your eyes.

I begged for you. Fuck, how I begged for you. I pleaded. I felt the need to prove you wrong and was willing to change myself for you. But I was never good enough and you constantly reminded me of that.

I want you to think back to the times you told me that I was “average” looking, that I shouldn’t keep eating, that I needed to lose some weight. Take a step back and look at the emotional toll your words took on me. You were mentally abusive.

How does it feel to know your words made me wish I was dead? I, someone you claimed you once “loved,” broke down beyond repair all because of you, yet it’s my fault? I’m the bad guy? I couldn’t take living another day with your words echoing through my mind and yet you still managed to make this about you and think this is about me wanting your attention. 

You are not innocent in this situation, sweetheart but it’s absolutely not about you. Stop telling yourself and everyone you know that I attempted suicide for your attention, your pity, your companionship. I was not longing for your attention, at that point in my life I did not want anyone’s attention. 

I attempted because of how worthless you made me feel and that's something that digs deeper than any shallow need for attention. 

I don’t want your attention. I don’t want you. I am a survivor and I will continue to grow and thrive without you. So fuck you and your need to bring me down just to make yourself feel better. You're fucking pathetic. 

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• A lot of friends end up not being forever.
• That cute boy that makes you feel special will break your heart eventually.
• Failing one test doesn’t make you stupid.
• Go to college where YOU want to go. Don’t let anyone else make that choice for you.
• Don’t let anyone make any of your choices for you. Not a boyfriend, not your mom, no one.
• Learn to love yourself and put yourself first.
• Don’t trust too much, but also don’t trust too little. Find a balance.
• Life is going to throw some huge curveballs at you, but don’t let it scare you.
• Change is normal and it’s going to happen.
• Understand that you can only control yourself and your actions. You cannot control others and what they do.
• Learn forgiveness. Holding grudges just makes everything a lot harder.
• It’s okay not to have a complete well thought out plan. Sometimes going with the flow is better than having a plan.
• Just live your life the way you want it, not everyone is going to agree anyway.
• Studying is important and you should really learn some great study habits.
• You don’t have to buy every textbook recommended by your professors, sometimes you never use them.
• You don’t have to party in college just because everyone else does. You can party or stay in your room watching Netflix. Either is fine.
• You’re really gonna miss home cooked meals.
• Learn how to become good at naps because you’ll need them.
• Get information on the services offered around your campus. They can be helpful.
• No one is judging what you’re wearing to your classes. Most people rolled out of bed five minutes before class anyway, so why would they judge?
• Be open to new types of people. You never know what types of friends you make. You might even find the love of your life.
• It is 100% okay to be that person who spends all your free time focusing on academics. You determine your future, so focus your free time in a way that helps your future.
• Remember that no one else defines your worth.
• Only keep people in your life that truly deserve to be in it.
• Don’t put anything above your grades. Especially not a boy.
• Push yourself to always do better, but never push yourself too hard. You can only do so much.
• Crying is completely normal during college. College is stressful and it’s going to cause tears.
• Don’t settle for a major because it can land you jobs that can make lots of money. Pick a major that will get you a job that you love.
• Your mental health can teeter, so try to take care of it as much as possible.
• Most guys don’t mature in college so don’t expect it.

You had no courtesy for my feelings. There was not a single part of you that cared about how I might feel. How do you watch someone you claim to love cry for hours, days even, without a single care in the world?

You dragged me through the mud multiple times. You made me cry so many times that I’ve honestly lost count. Yet throughout all of this, I cared so much about your feelings it was sickening. It didn’t matter to me how you had hurt me, how badly you had torn me apart. I still wanted to keep you happy.

Your happiness remained my number one priority over my own mental health. I let myself become unhealthy to keep you smiling. You never would have done that for me.

I spent a long time walking on eggshells around you because I cared so much about what you thought about me. Every decision I made was based on how you would feel.

Then you left me. You dropped me like I was nothing You completely broke me apart, but I was still so preoccupied with worrying about your feelings that I just continued to let you destroy me.

Something clicked for me. I finally realized that I was worth more than you were making me feel like. I was finally over the way you mistreated me, the way you cared so little about my feelings. I was done with you stepping all over me.

So, I finally started living my life again but regretting every second I spent catering to your feelings instead of mine. But I’ll recover all that time living my life to the fullest. 

I now live for me and I haven’t felt so free in a long time. I am finally happy again now that I don’t have to worry about being so gentle with you and your feelings.

I’m done caring about your feelings when you never cared about mine. You never deserved my heart so I'm glad you no longer have power over my emotions and I can be free to choose a guy who will love me and respect me and value my feelings like I deserve. 

The beauty was always present when we were together, but eventually it just faded. Loving words turned into arguments. Hugs and kisses became rare and longed for. 

There were so many times I should have left. I should have just walked away and gotten away from the destruction. I couldn’t. He had this power over me that I will never truly understand. 

The thought of being without him was worse than the thought of continuing the relationship. No matter what he did or said, I loved him anyway. I loved him through it all. I loved every single bit of him, every inch and flaw.  I loved and valued him. I honored him. 

I know I wasn’t perfect and I’m also to blame. All I wanted was endless love and support. I was weak, I’ll admit. I did not love myself, but the love I had for him was all I knew. I was consumed with the idea that I could fix whatever issue we had, without admitting that his love for me was gone. 

But I had so much trust in him that I never expected him to leave. But, he did. It seemed so easy for him to just leave me behind, without a single care about what would happen to me. 

All the trust and love I put into him just seemed to be forgotten and ignored.  I was feeling a type of emotional pain I had never felt before, the kind that brought physical pain along with it. My heart was aching, the pain of feeling rejected and not loved was unbearable. 

I needed him but he had made up his mind. I was no longer worthy of his love in his eyes. Hearing him say those words sent sharp pains through my chest. I felt like my life was over.

It has been a while now since he's been gone. And after all the pain that he  caused, I am here to say that I am worthy of being loved. But the pain that I experienced through it all will forever remain present in my heart. 

I do not regret loving him. I regret letting myself think he would ever love me the same way.

I wasn’t your cup of tea, I wasn’t everything you truly wanted. There were so many things about me you didn’t seem to love, or even like about me. Loving someone who didn’t even love me who I am was so detrimental to me. I was constantly trying to find ways to improve myself for you. I was never thinking about myself for my own self, but only for you. You  might not have loved all of me, but someone will.

You didn’t love me through the weight changes I barely had control over, but someone will. The little bit of pudge that you couldn’t get over will be completely looked over by someone else. The thickness of my thighs will not be a matter of concern. They will love the way I worked hard for the muscles that make my legs the thickness they are. My stretch marks will not scare them away or be pointed out negatively. Someone will brush over them with light kisses and tell me how beautiful they think I am.

You didn’t love me through my mood swings, or depressive lows, but someone will. Someone won’t see me as broken or something they should constantly fix. They will enjoy helping me when I need it. They won’t look to change me, because they will love me for who I am. You always were one to call me crazy, psycho, a bitch even. I was never just normal in your eyes. I wanted you to see me as extraordinary, not as a mess you had to clean. You didn’t, and that is okay because someone will. Someone will love the attitude I can give off, the sass that radiates off my personality. They will think my personality is wonderful just the way it is.

Someone will love every inch of me, every flaw. One day you will realize that the things about me that you thought were flaws, were just fine. You will realize that I was perfectly fine the way I was and still am. It will be too late, because someone else  will already being loving me exactly how I am.