When people talk about heartbreak, they often mean between a romantic couple. It’s what all of the songs are written about and some of the greatest poems- that infamous spark disappearing between two lovers. But what about friends? What about when the one person who is meant to stick by you through everything, who is meant to be the constant, the person who is meant to dry your tears and hold your hand when you feel yourself falling, becomes the reason you’re crying? What about when your best friend breaks your heart?

Because it’s a different kind of pain. It twists deep inside you; it's like a cigarette being held against your heart. It makes you feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with you and you begin to question your entire personality- Am I too much? Am I annoying? Do I obsess too much or talk about myself too much? Am I just unloveable?

And their words, their betrayal, crawls beneath your skin, it stains your heart and runs in your blood.

It lurks in your mirror. Because what you give to your best friend, it’s different to what you give to your boyfriend. It’s raw and authentic and it is 100% you.

And you should be able to share an achievement or repeatedly complain about the same thing every day without feeling as if you are annoying. And more than that, you should be able to trust that when there is a problem rising between you, you can talk it through and come to a resolution because you love each other. You should never ever have to live in fear that they are talking behind your back or just waiting for you to trip and fall.

Your best friend is meant to be your cheerleader, your safety- net, your agony aunt. They are meant to be the person you fall back on, the person you can call at 3am when you feel as if you can’t breathe, when the world feels too big and too scary and you feel as if you’re drowning.

And when you realize they aren’t, when you realize you were wrong, that your whole friendship was a lie, that your pain lifts them up, your entire world begins to crumble. You go over and over everything- every moment you laughed together or shared a deep secret or thought as if you’d found your person and you try to remember the look on their face, the falter in their voice, and you wonder how you had never noticed it before. How had you been so stupid?

And you begin to lose trust, not just in them but everyone. Girls, groups of girls, cliques and even men.

Trust issues do not have to begin with a boyfriend, no, sometimes they begin with the girl(s) who you thought would be stood beside you on your wedding day, whose faces are in every photograph and so many of your childhood memories.

For all those many reasons, the biggest heartbreak, the one which makes you lose sleep, which makes you forever feel just that little bit broken, which makes you question yourself, your worth and your ability to be loved, is with your best friend, your person, your partner in crime.

And there is no fixing that, no come back, no books on how to heal or songs to soothe your soul. But let me tell you a little something I have learned – the best way to rebuild yourself, to mend what they took is to just keep being brilliant.

Be unapologetically yourself because the right people, they will love you, celebrate you and never, ever make you feel less than what you are.

Thank you for loving me quietly, for knowing me well enough to notice when I am happy or sad, disappointed or overwhelmed. In the silence I notice everything you do — how you reach for my hand, how you hold me a little tighter when I see something that softens me.

Thank you for choosing me every single day. You're unconditionally loving heart has fought for what we have when difficulty hangs heavy in the air, for insisting that we are stronger together, capable of proving the odds wrong, filled with the potential to make even the hardships that will meet us into lessons, into seeds that grow us. 

Thank you for always being my voice of reason. For calming me down when doubt sinks into my skin, for building my restless a heart a safe place within your very own.

Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person. You've seen gardens within me when all I could see were cemeteries. You have this beautiful way of reflecting your vision into my eyes, this talent for showing me the person I am and the person I have every opportunity to be. 

Thank you for always supporting me, for wholeheartedly believing in my mind and in my talent every moment I question my purpose. And on my worst days, knowing you're proud of me keeps me afloat. 

Thank you for always letting me know how much you care. For the “good morning” texts I wake up to on weekdays, for the small messages you send me when you remember something I did that made you laugh. You've made me a part of your life even when we are apart, sent me videos to make me smile, and photos when you’re bored and I couldn't be more grateful. 

Thank you for making me feel missed and always making me feel appreciated.

Thank you for loving the parts of myself I used to hide, for cherishing the quirks and the twists that others always wanted to untie. It makes my heart smile knowing you adore the fact that I’m abnormally clumsy, admire my terrible jokes, and my love for oldies music. 

I love you for thinking my two left feet that I often trip over are adorable. By you accepting me, and all of my offbeat ways, it has helped me to accept myself.

Most importantly —  thank you for making an effort. For making it your mission to make me smile; to fill my life with wonder. You and your ability to love so openly, and so deeply, despite what you have been through is stunning. With every new day you make me want to discover more and more ways to make you happy, you make me want to invent new words that could rightfully describe just how much I feel for you. 

You have taught me that love can thrive, that it can come back into your life and change you from the inside. You have taught me how courageous it is to simply have faith in the heart of another, and all I can say, with every inch of my patchwork soul, is thank you. Thank you for what you do. Thank you for how you love.

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Sometimes I wonder if maybe I didn’t say all the words I should've said. 

The words that would've explained to you how I truly felt, how much I needed you, and how much you meant to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should've filled my moments of silence with more honest words, more vulnerable words. 

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I didn’t open my heart to you enough.

I wonder if things got harder because I didn’t make them any easier. I was scared of getting hurt so I played it safe. I played it safe so I could move on faster when you left. 

I was still guarded no matter how many walls you tore down. I was still scared of opening up and telling you everything or letting you see the parts of me that I don’t show anyone else. 

I was afraid if you knew my weaknesses and insecurities, you’d hold them against me.

Sometimes I wonder if I spent so much time trying to make you trust me that I forgot to trust you back. Sometimes I wonder if I was asking for what I wasn’t able to provide.

Maybe I really didn’t do my part as much as I thought I did, maybe I didn’t give my all. I preach about loving hard but when it came to loving you, I fell short. I backed off. I was afraid of how hard the fall may be. I was afraid of not being able to get back up.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not as fearless as I claim to be because nothing terrifies me more than heartbreak. 

Nothing scares me more than someone loving you one day and deciding not to the next day. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone then they end up being a stranger.

I'm starting to think that I can’t find the love I’m looking for because I’m not willing to give it. I’m still not in a place where I can love someone without thinking about the consequences. 

I’m not okay with loving someone who doesn’t love me back. I can’t just wait around. I can’t just fight for someone when I have no armor and I’m not protected. I don’t have the shield that can save me if I ever join the battlefield of love.

Is being guarded is actually safe or is it the most dangerous thing you can do? 

I don't understand how chaining down your heart can set it free. Sometimes I wonder if I really keep falling for the ‘wrong ones’ or I just label them wrong because it’s easier than sticking around and trying.

Maybe I give up too soon. Maybe I got so good at letting go that I don’t know how to hold on anymore. I let everyone slip away. I continue to find comfort in my loneliness because I believe that when it’s right, I’ll know, it’ll be easy, and it will change me.

I cared too much about ‘fixing’ others that I forgot to fix myself. 

Maybe the lesson is to change myself first, to fix myself first, to stop running away from my heart and give myself a real shot at love.

Sometimes I wonder if I believe in love as much as I say I do or if I'm just secretly a skeptic. 

Sometimes I think love is waiting for me to wholeheartedly believe in it before it finds me.

Being a writer is hard because you get to expose your deepest thoughts and feelings to the public, being a writer who writes about love, relationships and heartbreak is harder because you run the risk of ruining your chances of dating anyone who actually reads your stuff because they’re going to think that everything you write is either about them or about someone else.

The truth is writing is a very personal and heartfelt form of art, but like art, it doesn’t mean that the artist going through these emotions right now or going through them at all! Sometimes it’s just a thought, an imagination, a memory, a line that inspired you, a song that took you back in time or even a situation that happened to someone else and you decided to live it, to feel it, to write it as if it happened to you because this is what writers live for. Stories.

Writers live many lives, they live many stories, they could channel all kinds of emotions and they could make everything in their imagination sound so real because at some point, whether it actually happened to them or not, they lived it and they know exactly what it feels like.

And in the age of social media, writers promote their work on their pages, they put their most honest work out there, they literally pour their hearts out for the world to see because they want people to know what kind of writers they are and what kind of topics they write about so they can attract the right people.

THEY DO NOT ALWAYS POST THINGS THAT REFLECT WHAT THEY’RE GOING THROUGH AT THE MOMENT.

They do not post things to send a message to someone they like or someone they’re dating and they don’t post things to pull you closer or push you away. It’s their JOB and they try to do the best they can.

I’ve personally been a victim of guys running away when they read my articles or my poems because they think I’m still hung up on an ex or that I’m indirectly telling him how I expect to be treated or what kind of man I’m looking for.

So to all those thinking about dating a writer, do yourself a favor and unfollow them!

If you’re going to read too much into what they write, unfollow them.

If you’re going to judge them for their heartbreak or their relationship choices, unfollow them.

If you’re going to read everything they write and find a way to make it about you, unfollow them.

If you think that when they write pieces about missing someone or the one that got away means they still think about them, unfollow them.

Unfollow them if you’re going to make assumptions instead of directly asking them.

Unfollow them if you’re going to make them feel like they’re a hot mess because they write about anxiety or heartbreak or being lost.

Unfollow them if your source of information will be their work instead of themselves.

Unfollow them if you truly want to get to know them. If you want to figure out their hearts without reading about it. If you want to know their minds without comparing it to what you’ve read.

If you want to truly love them, you have to forget about the essays they wrote, their vulnerable words, their contradicting thoughts, their conflicting emotions and their secrets that find a way into their work. 

You have to let them do their thing without making them feel that what they love the most might be getting in the way of something beautiful. You can’t hold their work against them even if the rest of the world does.

If you don’t unfollow them, then try to understand them, try to talk to them about a piece you were curious about, ask them questions and try to let them know that even though you’ve seen pieces of their heart and soul, you still want to see them through your eyes, not through their Instagram posts.

If you don’t unfollow them, please understand that if they were to write something about you, they’ll send it to you, they won’t let the world see it before you do, they won’t try to send you a message through their writings, they’ll just text you. 

And if you find yourself in their words, don’t freak out, don’t think they’re getting ahead of themselves, don’t try to read their minds because you’ll get lost and you’ll never find a way out. Because all it means is they admire you, it means they find you beautiful, it means they’ve seen your details and decided to make art out of them.

If you don’t understand art, unfollow them.

If you’re afraid of falling in love with them, please unfollow them.

I blocked you today
because I was ready
to delete you
and your memories
from my life.
I was ready to clean my news feed,
getting rid of your dust. 

I’m over seeing what you like
and where you are.
I’m over waiting for one like
or one comment from you.
I’m done trying to impress you
when you’re probably not even looking.
I’m done fighting for your attention
when you’re giving it to someone else.

I blocked you today
because I wanted to remember who I was
before you came into my life
and made me hate myself
I blocked you because
I have to love myself.
I blocked you so I could post things for me
instead of trying to send you a message.

Or maybe I’m trying to send
one final message to you:
you can’t reach me anymore,
you now belong to a list of strangers
I’ve never met.
You now can’t like my pictures
or see my posts
or see me.

I’ve changed, mainly because of you.

I’m not going to believe everything you say anymore because I’ve heard it all before. I’m not going to stay all night waiting for you because I know now that you might not show up.

I’m not going to drop everything to be with you because you always close your door when I knock on it.

I’m not going to wonder all day and all night if you love me, I’m not going to think it must be me. I’ve learned to love myself more and love you less.

The problem is you changed me but it’s exactly what I needed to become a better person, to become a stronger person and to become a wiser person. A person who doesn’t believe your sweet lies.

I’m not going to push away other men because they’re not you. I’m not going to go out on dates and think of you all the time.

I’d be lying if I said you’re not on my mind, but you’re no longer the only one in it. I’d be lying if I said I’m over you but I could still see myself with someone else. Someone who could treat me better, someone who is sure about me.

I’m not the girl I used to be when we first met, I’m not the girl who loved you more than she loved herself.

But the truth is, I like who I am now more, I like who I’m becoming, I like how you and I are now both equal.

I like how I don’t think you’re better than me anymore or that I’m lucky because you’re talking to me.

I like how now I can love you for who you are not for who I think you could be.

I like how you can now see who I really am, not the one I pretended to be to impress you.

You changed me when you walked away because you made me realize that no matter how hard I try to keep you, it won’t make you stay.

You changed me when you made me feel like I meant nothing to you because it made me realize that it won’t matter as long as I mean everything to myself.

You changed me when you failed to love me so you made me love myself.

The truth is, I’m not the girl I used to be when we first met, so don’t expect that girl again and I hope you’re not the boy you were when we first met.

I hope all these years we spent apart growing up and rediscovering ourselves helped us appreciate each other, helped us appreciate the innocence and the honesty we shared.

I hope these years helped us realize that we both deserve to find the love we’re looking for even if it’s not with each other.

Until then, I’m warning you that I’ve changed, but I promise you I’ll still be the girl who loves with all her heart — I just won’t give it all away to anyone anymore, because at the end of the day, it belongs to me and it’s a part of me.

We break up using silence. We break up putting our heads down and turning our phones on. We break up by not wanting to get closure because we have a fear of confrontation. We break up by pretending they never existed. 

We break up now by trying too hard to forget.

We use the vices that we know will serve us well. We drink until we blackout. We do more shots and drunkenly kiss lips we will never tell our secrets to. We smoke till our lungs don’t feel so hollow anymore. We talk until our friends kindly tell us to shut up. 

We consume the worst things for us, to fill the void and to fill the pain. Chocolate. Alcohol. Lies. Fake love. More wine. More drugs. Anything to fill us…to fill up all the emptiness inside of us. We do everything in our power to sugarcoat the sting. To cover up the sadness and grief. 

We tell everyone around us that we’re ‘fine.’

We go on road trips and travel to different cities, hoping that the prettiest Instagram pictures will take away the hurt. Hoping that at the very least, we can look like we are ok. Praying that the world won’t ever know the truth. That the world won’t know how much we are dying inside.

We don’t know how to properly feel anymore. We don’t know how to go about our days when we feel so utterly sick with sadness. We don’t know how to hurt. So what do we do? 

We bottle it up. We fake smiles. We play pretend. 

And all the while our heads are spinning. Our lips are broken and chapped, dehydrated from this terrible loss. Our hearts are filled with tears and with dried up flowers. Our hands shake from withdrawal. Our bodies are feeling everything we don’t want to ever escape from our mouths. 

Our bodies are breaking down, working to hide everything we don’t want anyone else to see.

We have become so used to nodding our heads and grinning. We have become so accustomed to worrying about everyone but ourselves. We have grown so used to never letting the pain be seen. To never letting our hearts grieve, the way that they are supposed to.

We don’t know how to break up anymore because we don’t know how to feel. 

We’re too scared. Scared that if we feel too much, we may not ever be the same. Scared that if we break too much, we may not ever be able to stand again. Scared to admit that we loved someone and to admit that we lost them too. 

People ask us, "Why are you so afraid of love? Why are you so afraid of dating? ' It’s because we don’t want to feel that much. We don’t want to hurt that much. We don’t want to have to die, and come back to life again, our lungs collapsing with the loss of it all. 

We don’t want to have to break open and build ourselves back up all over again.

So we just shut real love out and shut ourselves down, chasing any love away for good. We trade temporary pain for permanent loneliness, instead of just letting ourselves cry.

All I asked was for you to fight for me. For you to tell me the truth when you felt something was wrong. For you to just be honest with how you felt about me and you.

I wanted us to work. And I think you know in your heart, that I’m telling the truth.

I loved who we were back then. I loved how we fit into one another’s arms. How we just molded into one another, like magic. I loved the you who loved me.

Sometimes I want to get back to how we used to be. To get back to the beginning. To get back to that summer and holding hands in the hot rain. To get back to the shy smiles and bashful sideways glances. 

I want to go back to who we were at the start.

And then I want to go back to when things got tough. To when things were awkward and weird and uncomfortable. To when we had more pauses than conversations and more silences than eye contact. To when everything was going wrong, and we didn’t even know why.

I want to go back to when neither of us had answers.

I want to go back to when things went south and talk.  I want to know what you were thinking when you called it off. I want to have the courage to question you, to make you squirm. To make you think about what you really wanted instead of just making impulsive decisions.

Sometimes I think – Was I not enough for him? Was I not pretty enough for someone like him? Was I too boring or lazy or dumb? What was wrong with me?

But then I have to remind myself how it all panned out. How it all blew up. No. It wasn’t me. And I will not fall victim to those thoughts that find their way into my head. It wasn’t me. 

It wasn’t me at all. It was you.

You were the one who didn’t fight. You were the one who didn’t tell me what you wanted. You were the one who didn’t give me a chance. You were the one who didn’t try. You didn't try to make it better. You didn't try to make it nicer and smooth out all the wrinkles. 

I gave you every chance. 

I gave you every second to tell me what you wanted. To tell me what you needed. But you stayed with your lips sealed. You stayed with your eyes on the ground. Suddenly, it was all over and you were gone.

You just gave up. 

You gave up when I needed you the most. You gave up when I loved you the most. You gave me up and you gave ‘us’ up. And for what? I’ll never know.

All I wanted was for you to try to fight and to work things out, but you couldn’t even do that. 

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

34. What is your favorite memory?

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

36. What is your biggest fear?

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

42. What’s your favorite joke?

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?