Author: Courtney Brook

I am an adult with severe food allergies. Severe food allergies require me to carry an EpiPen (most people can assume that). Most people can also assume that my severe food allergies can cause dizziness, hives, trouble breathing, my throat closing and more.

What you don't know is that I am constantly worried. That I am constantly on guard. There are dangers around every corner for me. I always need to be aware and prepared.

I get tunnel vision. I can notice a food allergy faster than I can do anything else. When looking on ingredient lists, the allergen pops out to me as if it is in bold. I can walk in a room and smell it. I know exactly what it is and I know that it is dangerous for me.

I often get a running nose in a room with no food, and I know an allergen was there recently. I can sneeze several times a day (sometimes several hundred), you laugh because you said "bless you" 6 times in a row, but it is nothing new to me. Some days I end up with blisters on my lips and wonder if my plate wasn't cleaned good enough.

I have panic attacks. I am paranoid. I worry that I will get sick. I worry that my throat will close. I worry what others will think about me if I say anything. I worry about having to inject my EpiPen. I worry about getting migraines. I worry when others don't wash their hands. I worry when I see a candy wrapper on the ground. I worry when I walk in a break room, in a diner, in a grocery store.

I have alternative food names memorized. You probably have no idea how many alternative food names just one food can have. And it feels like it is everywhere, like I can't escape it. There is always someone eating it.

I feel guilty and embarrassed. I feel as if I inconvenience people with my food allergies. I hate feeling like I am complicated or that I make things difficult. 

I am too afraid to eat food others made special for me. I fear that they made a mistake and have no idea. I don't eat foods other make to be rude or because it doesn't look good. I don't eat it because I am terrified.

I am tired. I feel as if no one really knows what is going on in my head. When I see an allergen, my body and brain is alarming me, but all you see is food.

The worries are endless and I just want people to be mindful of this condition and understand that all my worries are founded. I did not ask for this and I just want people to understand how hard it is to live in constant fear of getting an allergic reaction when least expected. 

Growing up I was the reasons all my classroom had a “we are a peanut free classroom” poster on our door. But it wasn’t just because I was allergic to peanuts… it was so much more. And I know it’s frustrating for other people and not everyone understands, so I’m so sorry that my severe food allergies inconvenience you.

Apples can send me down a spiral into a panic attack, touching milk can make my skin feel like it’s on fire, eating wheat can make my throat raw.

I know it’s annoying and I know you think I’m complicated, but believe me having these allergies isn’t easy for me either. I didn’t choose this. 

My food allergies get more severe each year and with that, my reactions change. Sometimes I will get blisters, hives. Sometimes my throat will feel as if I’m swallowing rocks or closing just from breathing your food. 

Most often, when you are eating your food, I will sneeze and I will feel lightheaded. Most often, I will act as if everything is fine. I may not tell you that I’m dizzy. I may not tell you why I am sneezing. I may not tell you why my nose is running. 

All because I know my food allergies make me seem like a nuisance. 

For every time I walk away from you as you eat, for every time I ask you to wait for me to leave before you eat, or when I ask you to wash your hands, please understand that I am not doing it for attention or to annoy you.  

I’m doing these things to protect myself and my life.  

Not too long ago, my allergic reactions consisted of severe body pains, migraines, IBS, anxiety, mood swings, and fatigue. I was ingesting these foods daily not knowing I was poisoning myself. 

After clearing the poisons from my system, my reactions changed. A lot of people don’t understand the severity or don’t believe that these foods could potentially send me to the hospital because they’ve never seen that occur. 

I’m sorry but if you think stabbing yourself with an EpiPen is easy or that you wouldn’t freak out, think again.  

Do you ever think that it is easy for me to constantly be on guard? Do you think I want to constantly explain to people why I am the way I am?  

And those questions make me feel so unbelievably insecure. So to answer them all: 

I’m not going to get 1000s of allergy shots that could possibly send me into anaphylactic shock. 

I’m not going to slowly introduce these foods back into my diet. 

It is not worth the risk. I am not starving. There are plenty of foods still available for me to eat. 

No, my allergies will not get better. They will not go away.

My food allergies are no joke. 

I am twenty-something and food can kill me. Please don’t make me feel like crap for something I cannot control. I have felt that there are insensitive actions in regards to food allergies, but I also know that lack of understanding is the main cause for it.

As an adult, I should be able to emotionally handle this, but I can’t.

I hope that one day, more people will truly understand the struggles of living with food allergies as intense as mine. But until then, I’ll just keep fighting because  I can live without those foods. I can’t live with them. 

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I have high expectations and I honestly wasn’t sure if I would meet the man of my dreams. I had come to terms with the fact that I would probably have to compromise, that I wouldn’t meet someone who met my expectations. I had decided what were “musts” and I decided what was “gray area” in which I might compromise. I decided what I could live with or without in a partner.

You exceeded my expectations. Exceeded them. I never thought I would meet someone like you. You are everything I ever wanted and more. 

You are kind, hardworking, sweet, calm, gentle, and strong. You are great at communicating and you share your thoughts and your feelings with me so respectfully. You know when I am blue and you know when I need a hug. You hold me and let me cry on your shoulder. You care for me when I am tired. You tell me that I am beautiful when I am in sweats and have no make up on. You treat me like a princess and it absolutely astonishes me.

I have never been so sure about something. I know for certain that I want to marry you, have a life with you, have a home with you. We have the same goals and dreams. We love the same things. You are so perfect for me, there’s no better way to say it. 

Thank you to my prince charming. And I love you!

I go back to a day that I was in love with someone I thought was perfect and sweet and genuine. It didn’t take long for that to change, but I was trapped. Emotionally trapped.

I set my whole life aside for him, did everything for him. I thought he loved me, I thought he was the one.

You don’t treat someone you love like that.

We were fire and gasoline. I would tell people that we argued and bickered because we loved each other. I would say that if we didn’t argue, then we didn’t actually care about the other. That’s not true. And that’s not healthy. I see it now. 

There’s no better words than to describe our love as violent and fierce. 

It’s a bit of a fog now. It was a huge chunk of my life – several years. But yet I’ve blurred so much of it out now.

I wish I could forget it all.

I believed you when you said you would love me forever.

I believed you when you said you wanted me to be your wife.

I believed you when you said I was the one.

I believed you when you said that you would never leave me.

I trusted you. I trusted you too much.

I will never get my innocence back.

I will never get all that time back.

I hope that you never put another girl through what you put me through.

I hope your future daughter never experiences what I experienced with you.

I wish I could burn every memory I have of you, just like all the pictures of us that I sent up in flames.

I wish I could disregard them and throw them away like every gift, every note you wrote me.

I wish I could give them back to you so that I don’t have them anymore. Just like the necklace you bought me, like the keys to your house, like T-shirt you left here, and like that stupid promise ring.

I wish these memories didn’t belong to me, haunt me at night, linger in my head, taunting me as I drive through town hoping that the truck in front of me isn’t yours. 

I wish the memories were wiped away, no longer festering in my mind inciting fear. The fear of being cheated on, fear of being left, fear of being manipulative and lied to.

I wish I could go just one day and not think about you and the pain you caused.

I will forever be haunted by your memories.

We’ve all been there with a guy and realized “wow, this is not what I want” or “I don’t like the way he made me feel.” With each guy we date, we seem to find one more thing to add to our list. Sometimes we find attributes in a guy and think “YES, this is what I want in my future husband” while other times we are left feeling like “I will NEVER date a guy that does this.” This is for those girls whose expectations seem to grow and grow. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Guys, let this act as a guide for you – I can’t promise it will work with any girl though. Not all girls want to be bought a bouquet of roses and a fancy dinner, it’s deeper than that for most of us. We want a partner. And while we expect a lot from you, trust us when we say that we want to put in our effort to be a teammate to you as well.

Boyfriend Checklist:

1. Hold the door open for me sometimes. 

2. Thank me if I hold the door open for you, and go through it dammit. 

There has been so many times that I’ve opened a door a guy (young, old, family, friend, boyfriend) and they REFUSED to go through it. They took the door from me and said “ladies first.” I get it. It has been instilled in these guys that they must hold the door open for the lady, but sometimes we want to be helpful and kind, too. We just want you to look us in the eye and say “thank you.” You are honestly just wasting our time when you take the door from us and tell us to go in first. Like … just go through the door. I don’t feel like standing here and having an argument about holding the door, dude.

3. Ask me on a date instead of asking me to “come over.” 

Being asked to “come over” after a serious relationship has formed can be good… But if we’re just starting off, put in some effort. Ask me to go for a walk with you. Ask me to go bowling. Ask me to go to an arcade. If you don’t want to go out in public, ask if you can come over to see me, or ask me if you can pick me up. I need to know that you want something more than just cuddling and such. I’m not a booty call. You should take the time getting to know me for me. 

4. Write cute notes or leave gifts occasionally.

There is this thing call 5 love languages. If you don’t know what it is, look it up. If you do know what it is, then you know that words of affirmation and gifts can be very important to some people. We don’t expect it everyday, but sometimes we just need to hear that you love us in a deeper way.

5. Tell me I’m beautiful, even when I don’t have make up on.

There is nothing that a girl appreciates more than knowing that you think we are beautiful or sexy when we think we look our worst. Telling a girl to wear make up or to do something to alter her appearance can absolutely shatter self-confidence. Don’t be afraid to tell us that you like our red lipstick though! We love that you love every form of us.

6. Tell me which of my personality traits that you like.

When people are in relationships, it is easy to tell the other person the things about them that they don’t like or that bother them. Don’t forget to share the good things and the positive attributes. When there is nothing good left to say, there’s no point in being with someone. But if you love someone, don’t let them forget it.

7.     Make me laugh.

8.     And laugh at my humor.

Everyone has a different sense of humor, so either you click or you don’t. You can’t force someone to think you are funny or vice versa. It comes naturally, but I definitely want it to be there.

9. Make me comfortable to be myself.

10.  Try not to make judgments on me, especially my body.

Women receive so much ridicule on their personalities and bodies just with social media alone. They don’t need their boyfriends doing it too. We already have been brainwashed into thinking we should look a certain way. When we finally are proud of what we look like, someone comes through and knocks us down again. Don’t be that person.

11.  Don’t hold my past mistakes against me.

What happened before I met you can’t be changed. I could say “sorry” everyday for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t change a thing about what happened before. Everyone has the right to be cautious in a relationship, but don’t hold a grudge against me for something in my past. I wouldn’t be here with you if it weren’t for what happened before. And that also goes for what happened to you in past relationships. Try not to let what your last girlfriend did to you make it so that you never trust me.

12.  Tell me that I’m intelligent.

13.  Don’t get upset with me if I’m busy.

I am an adult. You are an adult. We have responsibilities, and while I would love to spend a ton of time with my boyfriend, I have things to do. I’m a busy person. If you are never a priority, then you SHOULD start to wonder why I am with you, but keep in mind that I can’t spend all my time with you. Work, family, and hobbies are things I never want to throw away and some days they do come first.

14.  Give me time to open up to you – physically and emotionally.

15.  Don’t pressure me.

With this, I mostly mean sexually. There is almost nothing scarier for a woman than being pressured to do something that they don’t want to do or that they aren’t ready for. Respect that. I will let you know when I’m ready. And if you are not ready, that’s fine by me.

16.  Don’t guilt trip me.

This can mean a variety of things. Sexually. Emotionally. If I am spending time with my family, by no means do you have the right to make me feel bad about that. If I am legitimately too tired to partake in intimate activities, don’t get angry about that. 

17.  Love animals.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat or care for animals. Don’t give me an ultimatum about my pet. My pet was here before you and if anyone has to go… it’s you. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who has a pet (because you don’t like that animal type or you have allergies), be upfront at the start. And if you don’t think you can compromise and you are dead set on not having that animal… don’t waste my time, don’t date me. 

18.  Be responsible, respectful, and reliable.

Be that guy who is what he says he is. Show me I can trust you as a partner, as a supporter of our family, and be kind. If I wouldn’t want my kids acting the way you do… I am not going to stay with you and give you an opportunity to father my children.

19.  Be hardworking (but know when to relax).

We live in an era where it is common that both the man and woman work, both in the workforce and at home with chores. I will put forth my efforts to support our family just as I would expect you to do the same. I need to know that I can rely on you. You deserve your downtime, we all do. But please don’t go to some bar and get blacked out drunk. Relax, hang out with your friends and your family, play video games on your day off. Take your time to recharge.

20.  Be proud of me.

21.  Hold my hand in public.

It is nice to feel that affection and to feel like you are proud to be my boyfriend. I do think that public display of affection should be limited though. I don’t feel special when you grope me in the grocery store.

22.  Look into my eyes.

Take the time to look at me and truly at me. Let that oxytocin flow. 

23.  Hug me. Hug me for a long time.

Make me feel loved, safe, cared about. Everyone just needs to be held sometimes.

24.  Give me a back massage without expecting it to lead to something else.

25.  Talk to me if you’re upset, explain it.

People struggle with this one an awful lot. Everyone does at some point. Some people hold it all in, let everything that bothers them fester and build up and then they can’t take it anymore and they explode like a volcano. I have been blindsided before with this in which I thought everything was great and then the floodgates of everything that I ever did wrong came pouring out. Don’t make me think that everything is fine when it’s not. Talk to me. In a heated moment though, sometimes people will say things wrong or say things they regret later, so if you can’t tell me at that exact moment in an appropriate or productive manner, I understand. Take a little time, formulate your thoughts, calm down, let me calm down too, and then tell me.

26.  Tell me about your goals, fears, insecurities.

Show me the deepest parts of you. Let me into your world. Trust me.

When did monogamy go out of style? When did being in a relationship with one person with both parties exclusive and fully committed to the other become such a rarity?

It seems that I am hearing more and more about open relationships, swinging, and, of course, cheating. I see friends dating multiple people, but “it’s okay because he’s not my boyfriend.” Well does he know that?? Does he know that you are not exclusively seeing him?

We live in an era where happiness and pleasure are confused for something else. We live in an era of ghosting and fading out, not giving others honest answers or communicating our feelings to them. We live in an era of STD’s and unplanned pregnancy. We live in an era of sex coming before physical health. Sex is not a cure-all. Sex is not a promise. Sex doesn’t solidify a relationship. People are trying to fill a lonely void in their lives. People are left feeling emptier than before while partners may be left feeling brokenhearted, lied to, and manipulated.

I have seen open relationships work for some people, but they don’t work for many. They can be dangerous, emotionally and physical. It can leave people wondering “am I not enough?” It can cause people to be self-conscious. It can work for the rare few, but I want an old fashion relationship. A relationship where two people see each other as perfectly imperfect, as soulmates, as life partners. I want a relationship that has loyalty, commitment, and JUST two people. I am not going to stay with anyone who gives me less than I deserve, no one should. And in the case that I date someone who I don’t see as a life partner, or that I can’t see myself marrying, I will tell them so and I will move on. There is no point wasting anyone’s time or toying with anyone’s feelings.

I know life can’t be a fairytale, but monogamy is possible and a committed relationship should be a goal. When did it become a bad thing to want that?