Author: Cristen

And another one bites the dust.

I'd made a vow that I was done with relationships. I was done with the heartbreak and the pain. It wasn't worth it anymore.

But then you came along.

Falling in love with you was never my intention. We were friends, and then best friends, and then somewhere along the way, I fell for you.

I fell for your eyes, I fell for your smile and your laugh. I fell for the way you made me feel. I felt whole again. 

The emptiness inside that I'd felt for so long had finally diminished, and all I saw was you.

Being with you was a challenge at times. You were complicated and frustrating, you knew all the right buttons to push to make me mad. 

But you were also intoxicating and thrilling and you made me feel like I was the only girl in the world.

But little did I know, I wasn't the only girl in your world.

They say you should always listen to your gut because 9 times out of 10, it's right. And there were times when I thought I saw red flags, but I always chalked it up to my paranoia of being hurt.

I didn't want to push you away, I didn't want to lock you out. I wanted it to work more than anything, so I ignored that voice inside of me.

I let my heart win.

And it wasn't long before I finally saw for myself that those red flags were real. My gut feeling had been right all along. It was disappointing and heartbreaking.

I wanted it to be you. I thought you were it, you were going to be the one that changed everything for me.

But instead, you were the one who reminded me that things never change.

It's been some time now since you walked away. My walls are back up; my heart is wrapped in chains once again.

I'm still picking up the pieces that you left behind, trying to put them back together. But they don't seem to fit anymore.

I want to hate you, but I also want to thank you. I want to thank you for reminding me of why I have walls, why I keep my heart so guarded.

You destroyed me, but your destruction may have been my saving grace, because now I know better.

This was my decision. I chose to end our relationship. I was the one that decided it was time to walk away.

But please don’t think it was an easy decision for me to make.

I’d put it off for so long, trying to deny the fact that it was the right thing to do. But I couldn’t put it off any longer. It wasn’t doing either of us any good. We would have kept falling deeper into a trap that we would’ve never been able to get out of.

I will never forget the look on your face when I told you it was over. I tried so hard to explain why I was doing this, and though you said you understood, I felt like you didn’t completely, or maybe just didn’t want to.

We knew it would come to this eventually. We knew that long before we got together, and had said that we would never try it, knowing what would happen. But we went against our own advice and pursued “us”, convincing ourselves that it would work.

That’s where we went wrong. The inevitable happened, and here we are.

I can’t begin to describe how much I miss you. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since I walked away. Every thing, every person, every place holds a memory of you and I. I can’t go anywhere that doesn’t make me think of us. I have to change every other song on the radio, because they all remind me of you. 

Seeing you tears me apart; hearing your name kills me. It doesn’t matter what I do or where I go, you are always there.

I was so in love with you. You were everything I wanted, and everything I thought I needed. When I talked about my future, you were a part of it. My dreams in life included you. You were everything to me. I gave you my whole heart, and I left it behind when I walked away.

I will never find anyone who I love more than I loved you. You drove me crazy 99% of the time. You were challenging and frustrating and intoxicating all at the same time. You lit a flame inside of me that will burn for the rest of my life. Your flame will be a reminder of my unconditional love for you.

I won’t ask for your forgiveness, I won’t ask you if we can still be friends, but I will ask one thing… please don’t forget me. 

Please remember all of the amazing memories we’ve shared. The way our love burned brighter than any other. Don’t forget the way my heart felt beating against your chest, or the way my eyes lit up every time I saw you. Don’t forget about the nights we spent together, staying up until sunrise, finding ourselves wrapped in each other’s arms. Don’t forget about us.

I failed to keep promises I’d made to you in the past, but this one promise will never be broken… I will always love you.

“Remember all the things we wanted; now all our memories, they’re haunted… we were always meant to say goodbye.”

Here we are again, standing at the same crossroads we always seem to find ourselves.

We always end up in this situation. The one where we know what we want, we know what we need, but we also know that it’s just not our time yet.

It’s always a little devastating when we end up here. Having to choose whether we’re going to follow our heart’s demands, or acknowledge the logical mindset our head is giving us.

But every time this choice is dangling in front of us, we make the same decision.

There always seems to be a little bit of hope inside the both of us as we come upon this fork in the road. We want the answer to be yes. We want to arrive here and finally decide that it is our time. It’s our turn to be happy.

But instead of finding happiness and assurance, we find disappointment. We take a deep breath, trying to grasp acceptance, and turn around and walk back the way we came. Always praying that the next time will be it.

Our love for each other has been a whirlwind of joy and pain. We’ve stayed up laughing until the sun rose, ending up in each other’s arms. We’ve had nights full of tears and pain, where we question whether we’re doing the right thing.

You see through me, as I see through you. We’ve connected in so many ways. We know everything about one another. We know our dreams, our plans for the future. We know what makes the other smile, our passions and our desires. We know the nightmares that keep us awake at night, the past that haunts us. We share the same fear, the fear of the future and what it holds for us.

But we keep the faith, standing tall against the wind and never giving up. We’re determined to cross that finish line and win the battle we’ve been fighting for so long.

We hold onto that little bit of hope, knowing that eventually, we’ll get it right. We’ll make it work. Our worlds will collide and the puzzle pieces will finally fall into place. 

But once again, we’re standing at this crossroads, anticipating the final verdict. Inevitably, the 8 ball lands on “NO”. We accept the answer and turn back, hand in hand, knowing that one day it’s going to be us.

I’m not mad.

But this sh*t will always be top priority for you. It will always come before me, and it really sucks to know that. You don’t need it to live, you want it, and that’s two different things. I don’t know how to compete with that. And honestly, I shouldn’t have to.

So no, I’m not mad..I’m just hurt.

I want “us” more than anything, and I love you more than you can possibly imagine. But I can’t do this. I can’t live like this with you for the rest of my life. It will eventually destroy me.

I try to believe that it’s not your intention to hurt me. And sometimes, I do believe that. I don’t think you’re doing this purposely to see me cry; but I think it’s impossible for you to not do it.

You’ve made this toxin your crutch, and you feel like you can’t live without it.

I can’t tell you how many times you’ve told me that you can’t live without me. But it’s clear that there’s no truth behind those words. Because if there were, I wouldn’t be here, at 3 in the morning, lying on the bathroom floor, completely falling apart.

God knows I don’t want to lose you. The thought of walking away from you turns my stomach to knots. I can’t imagine being without you, not having you in my life. But I also can’t imagine doing this forever.

I can’t stay up every night, waiting for you to get home at 4 in the morning. I can’t worry about you every time you go on your runs. I can’t keep watching you pop those pills or snort that line. I don’t have the energy left to fight with you every day about your habit, and it’s effects on us and our relationship.

I know that, deep down inside, there’s more to you than just the addict. I know the man that you are, and the heart of gold that is buried inside of you. But all of that is hidden by your uncontrollable urge to find your high.

I pray that one day, you’ll see my side of things. That you’ll finally understand why I had to do what I’m about to do now. But at this point in your life, you don’t understand. You don’t see the wrong in your actions. 

All you see is the toxic habit that has blinded you to every other aspect of your life, the habit that has made everything else disappear, the habit that has caused you to push everyone out of your life….

Including me.

“I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain; it’s two a.m. and I’m cursing your name. I’m so in love that I acted insane, and that’s the way I loved you.”

He is perfect.

He’s caring and compassionate; kind and charming. He’s a gentleman. He opens up my doors and walks me to the front porch. He holds me when I’m sad and makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Mama loves him and daddy approves. He walked into my life and made my sun shine brighter and my smile bigger.

He’s everything a girl could ask for, everything a father wants for his daughter. Someone a mother starts making wedding plans over. He’s amazing.

But he’s not you.

You infuriated me and challenged me. You were complicated and impossible. But you were everything I’d ever wanted.

Something about you sparked a fire inside of me, a fire that still blazes. You had a certain power over me, but not a controlling power. There was just something that drew me to you, something so passionate and intoxicating, it was almost impossible to resist.

You were like a drug to me. I needed you, I craved you. You were the face I would find in a crowded room. My knees would go weak when you smiled at me. I was intensely and irrevocably in love with you.

And although we promised each other forever, our promises fell apart, one piece at a time. Life got in the way and brought us back to reality.

We realized that our romance was a fairytale tragedy. We were the modern day Romeo and Juliet; and our love almost destroyed us both. What an affliction that would’ve been.

So we departed ways. We said our goodbyes and walked away with broken hearts and regret.

But I found someone. Someone special that, slowly but surely, put the pieces of my heart back together.

He makes me happy, and that’s exactly what I need in my life. Someone that cares about me and loves me. He encourages me to follow my dreams and cheers for me on the sideline. He adores me. He’s my prince, he’s my knight in shining armor..

But he will never be you.

"I can't wait to grow up! I can't wait to be 16! I can't wait to be 18! I can't wait to be 21!"

Dear God.

I vividly remember being a kid and chomping at the bit to grow up and be an adult. I couldn't wait to be able to make my own decisions. I couldn't wait until I was 18 and legal, or 21 and able to buy my own beer.

WHAT THE F*CK WAS I THINKING???

This is not what I signed up for. I was so ready to grow up, but I've changed my mind now. I want to be 5 years old again, and build blanket forts and play with Army men and Barbies (weirdest combination ever, but it was my thing).

I hate paying bills. I hate getting up early everyday and going to work, so I can pay those bills. I hate making my own doctors appointments. 

I hate doing my taxes every year, because they damn sure didn't teach you how to do that in high school.

Come to think of it, I didn't learn how to do any of this sh*t in high school.

They were supposed to be preparing us for adulthood, they failed epicly. Not one time since I've graduated, have I needed to use algorithm or exponential functions.

So essentially, I wasted 4 years of my life being taught stuff that has not a damn thing to do with being an adult.

Growing up is, hands down, the worst decision I've ever made in my entire life. And I've made some pretty bad decisions, but this tops them all.

So, with that being said, I vote that we should terminate our lease with adulthood, go buy coloring books and crayons, build a blanket fort and hide forever.

"Don't fall in love with people like me; I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible. And when I leave, you will finally understand why storms are named after people."

You want to be "that guy". You want to be my knight in shining armor, coming to my rescue on your white horse. The one who saves me from the tall castle and fire breathing dragon. You want to be the hero in the fairytale.

But before you do that, please think twice. There won't be a happy ending. You'll walk away with nothing more than regret and a broken heart.

And does that make me a cold and heartless person? Probably. But cold and heartless wouldn't be too far from the truth.

I put my whole heart into someone a long time ago, but I never got it back. And I don't know that I ever will. He took my entire heart and destroyed it, and took the pieces with him.

Why would you want to fall for someone who can't fall back? You should see that it will only end in disaster for you.

I will run, and I won't look back. That's the only way I know. I run from situations that I think will end with pain. The second I get the slightest feeling for someone, I turn my back and walk away. My walls will go back up, and I will lock you out and throw away the key.

I'm terrified of being hurt. I'm terrified of letting someone in, and giving them the power to destroy me. I don't want to repeat history.

And if you fell for me, you would be giving me the power to destroy you. But for what though? Why would you want to risk that, knowing it could potentially end in heartbreak?

What kind of person would that make me, stringing you along and not knowing if I could even follow through with it?

I truly think that you could give me everything I want and need,but I can't give it back.I can't be the one who brightens your world and changes your life for the better.

I'd be the one who would darken your world. I would leave you with your life torn apart, just like a tornado leaves a small town.

It would be at that moment when you regret not heeding my lecture. But by then, I'd have destroyed you, and you will never come back from it.

For months, I'd been dealing with depression. My friends and family had no idea what I was going through, but it wasn't their fault. 

I never opened up or talked about it. I convinced myself I was strong enough to handle this without help from anyone else.

I've never been so wrong in my entire life.

Months went by, and things just got worse. I'd given up completely and decided that living with this pain wasn't worth it.

One year ago today, I attempted to end my life. I purposely overdosed, hoping it would take me out of this world and out of this dark hole I'd been living in for so long.

My suicide attempt failed, and one year later, I couldn't be more thankful.

So this is a letter to those who stood by my side throughout my recovery:

During my depression, I felt alone. I felt like I had nobody in my life anymore, that everyone had drifted away from me. But the truth is, I drifted away from you.

I didn't ask for help, I didn't think I needed it. I faked my happiness for you, because I didn't want to share my burdens with you.

The night of my overdose is when I realized just how much support I had in my life.

I was in the hospital for a week. You visited, you called, you prayed, because you cared, and I see that now.

I thought I'd lost everybody. I thought that because of my break down, everyone I cared about would be pushed away. But it was the complete opposite.

Everyone in my life finally came into focus, and I was able to see you and feel your love. It was one of the most amazing realizations I've ever come to.

When I was released from the hospital, the support became even stronger.

You were the reason I came back to life. You helped me through my recovery and stood by my side the entire time. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

Losing yourself is tragic, and it's so hard to find yourself once that happens. But I found myself through you. You reminded me of who I was and how strong I was. You pushed me and cheered for me as I put my life back together.

Hitting rock bottom almost ended my life, but your love and support saved my life.

“They say now you’re in a better place, and I would be too if I could see your face.”

Losing you has been one of the hardest tragedies I’ve ever had to face.

You were so young and had so much life ahead of you. But your life was taken quickly, unexpectedly and tragically.

So many nights I’ve cried, asking God why He would take you from us. Begging for some kind of explanation, some kind of reasoning behind you leaving.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I can hear your laugh, I can see your smile. You were beautiful from the inside out.

This wasn’t something anyone was prepared for. We never imagined losing you so quickly. We weren’t supposed to out live you, you were supposed to out live us.

You were so full of life, with such a big heart. Your laugh was contagious and your smile could brighten up a room.

You made such a huge impact on everyone around you. Your bubbly personality radiated from you, and it could better anyone’s bad day.

You were full of intelligence and wit. You impressed other’s with your creative mind. You were unique and one of a kind.

I can’t begin to describe how much we miss you. You were such a huge part of so many lives. The footprints you left on our hearts will never fade away.

They say everything happens for a reason, but I find that hard to believe. I can’t see the justification behind such an amazing individual being taken so suddenly.

Your memory will forever stay with us. How lucky we were to be able to know you, and share our lives with you.

You are truly missed.

“Sunny days seem to hurt the most, I wear the pain like a heavy coat. The only thing that gives me hope, is I know I’ll see you again someday.”