Author: Dani Sheller

The light at the end of the tunnel, that tiny pinhole that represents the promise of better days appeared again today. But as usual, when I lunged for it, desperate to rid myself of the darkness this depression cast upon me, it disappeared. 

But it’s nothing new. 

Every time I enter this back and forth relationship, I willingly throw myself at the feet of depression, who’s upper lip curls in devilish delight, excited to take me for a ride once again. 

This fantasy we’re both substantiating isn’t real, it’s never going to work. It’s just willingly boarding a roller coaster of emotions that send me spiraling downward.

I want so badly for us to stick, but we’re not good for each other, we’re toxic together and even worse apart.

The fear of losing you makes me paranoid and the unanswered questions leave me resentful of you. And you feel the same. Our hearts don’t mix, they just drag each other down to depths that no person should ever reach.

We’re too similar, you and I, we both have our demons and they have too firm of a grip on our hearts. And in the end, we’re just left alone with the dark thoughts that consume us, telling us if I can’t make this work than we’re nothing.

It isn’t healthy. I can’t allow myself to suck us both down a path of self-destruction. 

So it’s over, I’m getting off the ride and crawling my way back to the surface. And while I’d never wish you anything but success on your own journey out of rock bottom, I can’t take you with me.

For more lighthearted articles, follow Dani here. 

If you’re as comfortable in the club as you are curled up on the couch watching Netflix, you’re probably an ambivert – someone whose personality has a balance of extroverted and introverted traits.

1. You’re a master of balancing alone time and socializing. You thrive on “people time,” as long as you’ve been able to relax enough beforehand.

You don’t seek out attention, but you don’t run from it either. You’re totally OK being in the limelight for awhile then bowing out gracefully, because…

2. You’re not really a “people person,” but the right ones energize you. Most of us are familiar with “energy vampires, ” and ambiverts are particularly sensitive to them.  

If you’re surrounded by the right people, you can exhibit your extroverted tendencies all night. On the flip side, you tend to shut down when you’re feeling drained. 

That’s why you try to surround yourself with other ambiverts. They’ll never get mad if you have to cancel plans; they secretly wanted to stay in for the night anyway. 

3. You’re as witty and charming as you are quiet and reserved. If you get drawn into a conversation, you’ll have a sassy retort for everything, but you’re perfectly comfortable sitting at a bar and enjoying your drink alone.

4. You’re highly intuitive. You know how to act in any given situation and can easily play to the expectations of your boss (or anyone else you’re dealing with.) Deep down…

5. You’re a daydreamer who loves deep conversations. You find yourself lost in thought on the reg, but you also long to have meaningful conversations with other people.  

You prefer to talk about things that really matter, not superficial gossip.  

6. You have no shame about skipping “mandatory” events. You don’t like to feel forced to do anything and you make no apologies for politely rejecting an invitation to a bridal shower or birthday party if you’re just not up for it.

7. You’re flexible, but stable when you need to be. Your sense of stability guides your life, but you’re not afraid to venture off the beaten path occasionally.  

Like what you’ve read?  For more articles by Dani, follow her here.  When she isn’t writing for PuckerMob, she’s working for a Digital Marketing Firm, creating delicious recipes, and spending time with her family.

If you spent the 90’s killing it on Nintendo 64,  playing pickup sports with the neighborhood kids, or listening to one of the many boy bands (and swooning over J-Timberlake), you’re probably approaching 30.  Here’s 15 signs you’re part of the group that is approaching 30:

1.  Your body starts to hurt in the morning.  What is that pain in your neck/back/shoulders?  You’ve found yourself taking a wee more time to get out of bed and ready in the morning.  Your medicine cabinet is now full of Pepto, Aspirin, and extra band-aids (for the crazy nights).  

2.  You’re not sure what the “popular lingo” means anymore.  Do you catch yourself scowling at the young whippersnappers at Starbucks as they converse?  Not sure what the new acronyms on social media mean?  You’re probably out of the loop as far as all the new terminology goes, and you secretly wish AOL Instant Messenger was still a thing.  (RIP, SmarterChild)

3.  Hangovers exist – and they suck.  Not quite sure when you stopped being able to down a six pack and take those extra tequila shots at the bar?  Same.  Hangovers used to mean rolling over in bed and grabbing a room temperature drink of water, then running a mile.  (Just kidding, I never ran a mile)  Now, it’s a good 24 hours before you’re back to normal after a night of drinking.

4.  Bedtime begins when the party used to.  You used to spend hours getting ready to go out for a night on the town and step into the bar or club around 11pm.  Now, it’s an accomplishment if you don’t fall asleep watching re-runs of Seinfeld at 10pm on a Friday.

5.  You have a budget – and you stick to it.  You either spent the better part of your twenties paying off student loans, trying to project when you’d be able to buy your own place, and working on establishing credit, OR you spent it blowing cash at the bar (guilty) and buying crap you ended up giving away to charity, or lost somewhere.  Either way, you’re finally getting the hang of finances and you’re sticking to the budget you established years ago.

6.  You’re less likely to put up with people’s bullshit.  Do you find yourself less patient with people who want to screw you over or take advantage of your generosity and kindness?  Gone are the days when you were too afraid of confrontation or saying “no” and welcome to freedom of telling those users to bugger off.  You’ve found it easier (and more liberating) to tell people no if you feel like they’re just going to suck you dry of resources or energy.

7.  You’re excited about new kitchen/household appliances.  If you’re effectively embracing domesticity, you are constantly browsing Amazon’s deals on household or kitchen appliances.   Deal on a new griddle that allows you to make ten pancakes at once?  Yes.  Now to find friends to eat all the pancakes.

8.  Your Netflix “Recently Watched” List Is Full of 90’s shows.  This is an obvious one, and we’re not even mad about it.  Get it how you live, and binge watch the hell out of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.  #NetflixAndChill all the way.

9.  You choose slippers over heels at 10pm.  Remember those nights you’d walk around for hours in three inch heels?  Yeah, me too.  Nowadays, your heels live on the top shelf of your closet and you slum it in pajama pants and your favorite fluffy slippers.

10.  Your weekends consist of errands and yard work instead of sleeping in.  The days of sleeping in on Saturday until noon are gone and you’re busy shopping for groceries and meal-prepping. Excuse me while I go water my hanging ferns.

11.  You begin appreciating your parents.  This is one of the “aww” moments, but it’s definitely true.  Your teens years were full of resenting your parents for absolutely ruining your life and making you a square.  Now, you realize their efforts were not in vain and they actually loved and cared about you.  Thanks, Mom and Dad.

12.  You fell asleep in the recliner again.  There’s something about the way the recliner hugs your body while also allowing you to prop your legs and feet up.  It’s almost a slight against this fine piece of furniture to not fall asleep in it.   

13.  The couch and a bowl of popcorn is more appealing than the bar and Waffle House.  In addition to perfecting your homemade popcorn making, you enjoy the peace and quiet your own house has to offer.  You’re not as quick to bar hop and sit in a Waffle House until 3 in the morning with your homegirls like you used to. 

14.  You just bought the anti-aging eye cream.  What?  It needed to be done, and it’s time to accept it.  You really should have bought it at 25, but we’re not judging.  I’d also recommend picking up one of those fancy charcoal masks, just for fun.  (Be sure to post videos, like this one here:)

15.  You find yourself wondering what the cast of ALL THAT is up to.  Ah, sweet Amanda Bynes, funny Keenan and Kel, and quirky Lori Beth.  We know Keenan is killin’ it on Saturday Night Live, Amanda Bynes had some sort of – errr – breakdown, but where’d the rest of them go?  Either way, we spent a good portion of the 90’s laughing with them on Nickelodeon’s sketch comedy show.

That’s all for now, folks.  

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Breaking up is never easy, especially if you’ve built an attachment to another person.  It’s even more difficult if your relationship wasn’t easy to begin with.  The psychology behind Narcissistic Personality Disorder is something mental health professionals have worked toward understanding and treating for years.  It’s still an elusive and difficult personality disorder to diagnose and treat; but if you’ve been the victim of someone who suffers from NPD, you know it’s very real and very frustrating.  

The beginning of a relationship with someone who is a narcissist can feel like a dream.   You’ve been swept off your feet by this charming person, and you’re on cloud nine.  It’s not until they’ve begun to see your attachment to them that they flip the switch.  Some narcissists are aware of their behaviors, and some are not.  The ones who are aware can be assumed as more dangerous, especially to empathic people.  If you’ve found yourself trying to leave a narcissist, or have recently done so, here’s 5 reasons to assure you you’ve made the right decision.

1. You lost yourself while they found themselves (and everyone else who’d have them).  Because narcissists are thrill seekers and prone to impulsivity, it’s likely they were unfaithful more than once. They seek the validation from everywhere and anywhere they can get it.  While you were busy reinventing yourself to keep up with their ever-changing needs, they were busy stepping out.  In addition to the heartbreak and frustration you went through, you slowly but effectively lost track of the person you were and could’ve been.  The time you lost serves as a lesson to carefully guard your heart against relationships with narcissists and you can now see them coming a mile away.  Be sure to run in the opposite direction!

2. They destroyed your self-confidence.  You were never good looking enough, smart enough, or had enough to offer them.  With narcissists, it’s always all about them.  Once they’ve used you for what they needed, you’re no longer a viable asset.  The resentment begins to grow, and they lash out at you harshly.   My own personal narcissist spent time effectively making me feel sub-human and unworthy of love or affection.  Once you are out of the relationship, you start building your self-confidence again.  The self-confidence that was unrightfully stolen from you is something you’ll not let go of again.

3.  Gas lighting leaves you with PTSD.  Many people who leave relationships in which they were the victim of gas lighting are living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  They may find themselves suspicious of others who try to enter their lives, or even questioning people close to them.  You start to second guess your self and fear that anyone you’ll be in a relationship with in the future is out to take advantage of you.  PTSD isn’t exclusive to people who have suffered physical abuse or traumatic experiences due to war.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be an uphill battle and will leave even the strongest of us battling to regain what was stolen from us by a gas lighting, narcissistic partner.

4.  You think you’re the crazy person.  After finally leaving an abusive relationship of six year with a narcissist, it still took me a year to realize I wasn’t the crazy one.  The deflection that comes along with gas lighting left me thinking that I was the problem.  If I would mention an issue, it would somehow get turned around to make me feel like the instigator or the “bad guy.”   One of the biggest parts of someone who is narcissistic is that they cannot accept negative attention.  They will lash out, sometimes violently, and try to find another target to place blame and negative attention on.  If you’re in a relationship with one of these types of people, you become their target.   

5. You’re missing out on real love.  Four years later and a lot of heartache, soul-searching, and personal growth, I finally found the man of my dreams.  It wasn’t without a few bumps in the road (another narcissist who tried to snatch me up) and waiting around, but it happened.  I find myself thinking often, “What if I hadn’t left so and so?”  I’d still be trapped in a relationship that left me emotionally drained, feeling unloved, and enduring abuse at the hands of someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.  Now that I’m able to see the situation from the outside, I’m able to truly cherish and accept the real love that I have.  That’s not something I’ll ever give up willingly, nor will I ever stop being grateful for it.  

If this speaks to you on that personal level, you’re not alone.   Know that leaving isn’t always easy especially if your life has become integrated with this person.  Words of wisdom:  Stop wasting time letting someone damaged make you a victim.  Don’t become damaged while trying to save someone who won’t save themselves.  You are worthy of love and you’ll find it as soon as you find the strength to leave.  Goddess speed, fellow traveler.  

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With a fast approaching 10 year high school reunion, I've started to think about the past a lot.  I've got some things I want to say to the girl who didn't ever think she'd be good enough or accomplish anything.

1.  You're not what other people say about you.  I know it's hard right now to look past the gossip and judgment, but always remember you're not what other people think or say about you. 

2.  The friends you made were all for a reason (negative or positive).  Each person you met, every relationship you built, and all the fleeting friendships were for a reason.  Never discount the people you encountered, negative or positive.

3.  You'll make a difference in people's lives.  You never know who is going to need your support or how your words may affect someone else.  Always be kind, always be generous.

4.  You have so much to learn.  Never stop trying to learn something new.  Your unquenchable thirst for knowledge is what makes you the tenacious badass your friends and family admire.

5.  You're going to make a lot of mistakes.  Learn from them.  Don't make the same mistakes without learning something from them.   Don't date the asshole twice, don't let people take advantage of you, don't drink and drive.  Brush your teeth and floss them. (Yes, every time.)

6.  Don't let people shape how you see yourself.   This goes along with number 1, and it's important. People will be jealous or outright dislike you for your positive traits.  Don't let them get under your skin; always remember your own worth.

7.  You don't always have to be the party girl.  It's fun in the moment, but it doesn't last and it doesn't always serve a purpose.  Enjoy life and be sure to live, but try traveling instead of partying up at the bar every night.

8.  Focus on yourself and your future.  Spend all the time you need to focus on planning for the future.  You'll only have so many chances to make something of yourself, so be realistic and logical.

9.  Listen to your parents, they love you more than you'll ever know.  It's true, and you'll understand one day.  No matter how annoying they are now, or how much you may think you hate them, you don't.   They love you and they just want to see you happy.

10.  The world doesn't owe you anything – and it'll make that clear.  Never expect to get anything for free, but if it happens, pay it forward.  Always work hard for what you want, and don't make excuses for yourself.

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