Author: Elizabeth Ford McLaughlin

People say hurtful things. But the person saying the most hurtful things to me … is me! If someone else said the same things to me that I say to me, I would never speak to them again. I am the most rude to myself when it comes to my son, a former 32-weeker, and the guilt I feel over his prematurity.

• When my son is having trouble with asthma, I hear myself tell me that, “He wouldn’t have asthma if your body didn’t give up on you; if you were able to carry full term.”
• If I feel a little disconnected with my son, like for example when the day care teacher gets a warmer welcome than I do, I hear myself saying “If I had spent more time doing Kangaroo Care in the NICU…If he had heard my voice more in the NICU… if I had been pregnant longer… If I hadn’t gone back to work… I’d be more connected with him.”
• When my son is sick, I hear myself telling me that, “He wouldn’t be sick, if I hadn’t stopped breastfeeding when I did.”

I want to tell my critic-self to take a walk. It’ll go a little something like this:

Dear Me,

Listen, you are seriously a jerk. I don’t want such a negative person in my life anymore. I am doing the absolute best that I can. I did not do anything intentionally to cause my son’s prematurity. And after he was here, I had to make decisions that I thought at the time were best for my family. It’s not helpful to be reminded of the past. And it’s really nervy of you to question me. To question my decisions. It’s people like you that I don’t need in my life. I am ready to move forward. And you are not welcome here anymore.

Sincerely,

Me

Ok, well, writing a cute little note didn’t magically make the “mean me” disappear. But it’s a start. I know that if I am diligent, I will convince this girl to start saying nice things to me, like about how I am a super star preemie mom with super awesome kids. 

Read More from Elizabeth

When you are 3, things have to be just right in order to fall asleep. And as parents we are the ones who must comply with these requests. Here are 22 reasons why my 3-year-old daughter is delaying bedtime tonight. 

1. “I’m sweaty.” Ok, should I turn the fan on? “No, it’s loud.” Ok, fan is out. 

2. “I want a different shirt”. For vanity? 

3. “I want to change my pants.” Well matching shirts/pants is must, so this one requires no explanation. 

4. “I want more books.” The books that you won’t be able to read because it’s dark, right? 

5. “I’m thirsty.” I see where this is going.

6. “I need a hug.” Ok, this one gets me every time. Of course I will give you a hug.

7. “My finger hurts.” This little tiny dot? 

8. “I need a band-aid.” Ok, I am sure this will fix it, I will comply. 

9. “I don’t want that band-aid.” Why is that, Olaf band-aids don’t work tonight?

10. “My band-aid fell off.” Totally regretting that I complied with this one.

11. “I’m scared.” If you are really scared, then I will feel bad about this. But if you aren’t, then you are playing me. 

12. “I want a different doll.” 17 dolls aren’t enough?

13. “I want a ponytail.” Ok, if you are hot, then maybe this will help.

14. “My ponytail fell out.” You can’t pull it out. Just leave it alone. 

15. “I need to go potty.” I saw this coming. 

15. “I want to give you 15 hugs.” I should encourage reasons to practice counting. 

16. “I want you so sing the night-night song.” This song was cute in the beginning. 

17. “I want the other blanket.” Which one is that; the one in the car?

19. “I want a sweatshirt.” Is this going to help with being sweaty? 

20. “I need a tissue.” So do I. 

21. “I want to give you 25 hugs.” I am a bad mom.

22. “I want Daddy to come up and say good night.” Please. 

There you have it. 22 Reasons why my daughter won’t be sleeping tonight. 

Read More from Elizabeth

My son was born at 32 weeks + 3 days. And while that’s early, it’s not as early as others. Here’s where comparing to others gets tricky – something I am really struggling with.

We had it easy.

Compared to a birth at less than 32 weeks or with more complications than me or my son, we had it easy. We are fortunate that he was “only” 7.5 weeks early. But the experience in the NICU was very traumatic for me and somehow comparing to someone who is struggling more than me makes me feel wimpy. Why am I having such a hard time getting past the NICU when others had it far worse? How can I say the NICU was hard when I can see that others have a much harder road?

We had it worse.

So this comparing to others problem goes the other way too. When I see a baby who was still a preemie but maybe only had a 1 week stay in the NICU, or whatever, I find myself saying that their experience couldn’t have been “as traumatic” as mine. I am jealous and envious and all kinds of emotions that also leave me feeling guilty.

We are the same.

I am learning that comparing to others ultimately hurts me the most. The fact of the matter is – we all have a story. And it’s traumatic for us all. We experience the same fear of having a preemie, the stressful moments in the NICU, the trepidation about what tomorrow might bring, the guilt, the sadness, the regret, the anger and all the rest.

And we are all trying to get past it and move to a brighter place.

Read More from Elizabeth

If you have (or had) a baby in the NICU, you may have heard some awful, offensive comments. Here’s a list of the worst offenders.

1. “Enjoy the sleep before he comes home” 

This one is amazing. Do you think I am sleeping comfortably in my bed all night? I am stressed and emotional so I can’t sleep. On top of that, I am up every 2 hours pumping. Plus, I would rather be home and up all night long with my healthy baby than here in the NICU.

2. “Don’t worry, he won’t remember”

Ok, sure. Perhaps you are right that he won’t remember. But I know I will. I will remember all the moments stolen away from me. 

3. “Good thing you have two – just in case.”

This one was supplied to me by a NICU mom of twins. Someone actually implied that if she lost one baby, at least she’d have the other one. Because really, who needs 2?

4. “It could be worse”

Yes, it could be worse. Pointing this out doesn’t help me right now. And by saying so, you are invalidating my emotions.

5. Referring to Mom as “a cow, a dairy farm, a milk factory” or making comments like “having trouble with your supply?” Or, “losing your supply?” (And really, any comment about nursing or milk supply unless your comment is “good job Mama”)

Does this one need commentary? It’s rude. It’s inappropriate. It’s unnecessary.

6. “You’re spoiling him by holding him too much”

If I was still pregnant with him, I would be holding him 24/7. If I want to hold him 24/7, I have that right.

7. NICU Staff: “We’re his parents now”

I already wrote about this in the 7 Emotions of a NICU Mom but it’s my classic example. A staff member told me that the staff was my baby’s parents now and that I would take over parenting when my son was released from the hospital. This really offended me. I am his mother. I am making choices for him. I carried him for 7 months. He is my child – how dare you take that role away from me! 

There you have it. The worst things to say to NICU parents.

It can be difficult to know what to say to a NICU Mom, since it’s hard to even imagine what she is going through. Here’s a list of 9 things a NICU mom wants (or needs) to hear.

1. He/she is so cute! Everyone likes to hear this. And hey, they are cute!
2. You are a great mom. She may doubt this, so let her know that you think she is a great mom.
3. You are a strong woman. We often don’t know our strength until it is tested. Let her know you think she’s strong.
4. You are super mom. She is likely juggling 8,674 things other than her child in the NICU. That’s a super power!
5. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Validate her feelings. She may be questioning herself.
6. You are not alone. The NICU feels pretty lonely. Remind her of her support group.
7. It can help to talk to someone. Here are some people to try: NICU nurse, NICU social worker, outside therapist, your doctor, your child’s doctor, Priest/Pastor/Minister.
8. Offer help with other chores – Can I bring you dinner? Can I take your other child(ren) for an afternoon? I am going to the store, can I get you anything? Life goes on and chores need to get done. Take the burden off of her whenever possible.
9. Do you want to meet for a drink/meal/coffee/ice cream? Get her out of the NICU if she is willing.

Not all of these will apply to your situation. Use your relationship with the NICU Mom and your gut instincts to choose the best thing to say. But say something! She will always remember it.

I don’t know if it’s a woman thing, a mom thing, a NICU mom thing or just a “me” thing but I hold on to a ton of guilt. Here are just some of the things I am still holding on to.

The premature birth of my son. Whatever the rational, reasonable reasons for my son’s birth 7.5 weeks early, I will forever wonder if there was something I did to make him come early. I drank some raspberry tea that was supposed to be good for “the health of my uterus” but I didn’t ask the doctor before I drank it. I was home from work to rest but I didn’t feel sick so I had a hard time doing nothing – maybe I did too much. We did a CVS to test the baby’s health and I wonder if that could have contributed to the bleeding. All of those things were my choice.

Being at the NICU too much. I tried to be at the NICU with my son as much as possible. Which meant that my husband and daughter were home without me. I tried to be home for breakfast, dinner and bedtime to give hugs, hear stories and talk about our days. But for that one month, I wasn’t the best wife and mother to them.

Not being at the NICU enough. Yup…I also feel guilty that I wasn’t at the NICU enough. My son was all alone in the NICU. Sure he was surrounded by great staff, but his family wasn’t there all the time. I wasn’t there all the time. Did he hear my voice enough? Did we do “Kangaroo Care” enough? Was I the best mother I could be?

My son’s breathing trouble. Just before my son’s first birthday we learned that he either has Asthma or Reactive Airway Disease. One of the biggest factors for this? You guessed it – prematurity. So since I already hold guilt for the prematurity, I now have guilt for this too.  

Choosing to stop breastfeeding. With my daughter, I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and then continued until 10 months while supplementing with formula. I felt guilty when I stopped nursing exclusively and when I stopped nursing all together. Then when my son came along, I decided to stop breastfeeding when I went back to work around 5 months. I will forever question this decision. Especially the “what ifs” – could it have helped him be healthier?

Do I rationally believe I should feel guilty for these things? No. But … I still do. 

Alright, I’ll admit I am pretty frugal. So we are already doing a lot of the typical “save money” things. But this year, we cut out a few more expenses and are getting creative with ways to make a few bucks. Here are some ways we are saving this year:

1. $80 a month, cutting out a bad habit. I went on a diet and cut out my bad habit – drinking. This has cut out at least $20 a week, or $80 in a month.
2. $120 a month, brown bagging lunch. My work cafeteria is so cheap that it’s hard to resist. I decided to cut out eating at the work cafeteria (and the tempting fries) which is saving me about $30 a week, or $120 in a month.
3. $25 a month, losing weight with Dietbet. With my weight loss journey, I decided to join a “Diet Bet,’ which is an online program where you bet money that you’ll lose 4% of your weight in 4 weeks. Last month, I “won” about $25. If I keep this up, I’ll be rich and skinny.
4. $170 a month, doing the house cleaning. We held tight to a cleaning service and really resisted cancelling this luxury. But this year, we finally cut it out and started cleaning ourselves. Saving $170 a month.
5. $20 a month, selling kids and adult clothes. I have been selling kids clothes for a while. But I just started also selling my own clothes (particularly ones that don’t fit me anymore) at a store near me called Plato’s Closet. I have made about $20 a month.
6. $50 a month, cutting out special occasion take-out. We traditionally do take out for holidays like New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. This year, we had steaks or homemade Chinese food at home and saved about $50 a month.

Add it all up? That’s $465 more per month saved. 

With the cold air and snow back with a vengeance, I am remembering back to last year at this time when I started bleeding. This was the second time, so I went back to the hospital fully expecting to be admitted and spend the next month in bed. Certainly not having a baby, since I was only 32 weeks pregnant. But unlike the first visit to the hospital two weeks earlier, this time the bleeding didn’t stop.

I was scared. My husband was quiet at the side of the bed. The bleeding continued.

Suddenly, the quiet room welcomed a parade of medical staff. The OB/GYN was there to check me out. Someone from the NICU came to answer questions about the baby. Nurses came in to have me sign consent forms. And then, the Anesthesiologist came in to let me know what was about to happen. It was then that I realized…this was it. The baby was really coming.

I was terrified. It was too soon. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

But it was happening. The next hour was a total blur. My baby boy was delivered by C-section. He gave the doctor a hard time coming out – she even called him a brat. I got a brief glimpse of my cute little guy, who was obviously struggling to breathe, and then he was whisked off to the NICU.

I couldn’t wait to get patched up and go see him.

This is where I learned I would have to wait 12 hours to see my son. 12 hours!!?? What kind of sick joke is that? I honestly still don’t understand this timing. Thankfully, my husband was able to Skype with me so I could see my son. But the images of him hooked up to wires, an IV, a CPAP… were heartbreaking. I wanted to be with him. I felt so bad for him. He was warm and cozy with Mommy and then ripped out before he was ready.

Now, he was in pain. Fighting to breathe. All alone.

I think the loneliness part was what hurt me the most. I couldn’t be with him and he was alone. My husband wanted to be with me and I wanted him to be with the baby.

He needed us. He needed me. I longed to be next to him. To ease his pain. To whisper that everything was going to be okay.

Finally, hours and hours later, the moment came. I could go see my son. They wheeled me up to the NICU and I got to see my tiny baby boy for the first time. It was bitter sweet.

A lot of this experience still haunts me. The realization that the baby was coming. The first moment I saw him. The time in the recovery room wishing I was with him. The images I saw via Skype.

And it’s crazy because rationally, I know that my son is fine. He is going to live his life like this never happened to him. Because really, it happened to me. And I will never completely shake it.

Please like and share. Then read more about the 7 Emotions of a NICU mom.

My son was born 7.5 weeks early, so he spent a month in the NICU (and therefore so did I). It was scary. It was stressful. It was overwhelming. Time seemed to stand still. And emotions were running wild. Here are 7 emotions of a NICU mom.

1. Regret: I felt regret that I drank that cup of tea, went to the chiropractor, walked too much, etc. Anything that could have led to my son’s early arrival.
2. Guilt: I felt guilty that my son had to go through this experience instead of being warm and cozy in the womb. Or warm and cozy at home with his family. I also felt guilty that I wasn’t there next to my son every minute of the day and night.
3. Anger: I felt angry that my son was in the NICU. It wasn’t fair. In the first few days, friends and family were sending best wishes and notes of “Congratulations!” It didn’t feel right to be congratulated for the hand we were dealt. (Of course, what were they supposed to say?)
4. Hurt: People said stupid things. One of the medical staff told us that the staff was my baby’s parents now and that we would take over when he was released from the hospital. This really pissed me off. He was my child. (How dare you take that away from me!)
5. Grief: I was mentally unprepared for my experience in the NICU. I mean, who plans to have a baby early? I felt robbed of my pregnancy journey. I had to grieve the fact that my pregnancy was not going to go full term. That I wasn’t going to be able to hold my son next to me after the birth and cry tears of happiness that he was just so perfect. Basically that all of the romanticized fantasies of a perfect pregnancy, labor and birth were over.
6. Sadness: I wish I had gotten help earlier. I didn’t realize how sad I was until about 3 weeks in and finally went to see a therapist. Talking helps.
7. Angst: I had a lot of questions that made me anxious. Was I helping or hurting his progress by trying to nurse or help with the bottles? Why was it taking so long to get him home? What was the doctor’s plan for my son? Will my son have medical or mental problems later in life? The therapist helped me realize I needed to speak with the doctor and get answers to my questions. This was so incredibly helpful, I wish I had done this in the first few days.

The NICU was an emotional journey – and one I will never forget.