Author: Jacqui McLain

As a single woman in the last few years I have come to several realizations:

• Youth is spent on terrible men.
• You learn from your mistakes, or make them over, and over, and over.
• You find a good one-You stick it out.

My twenties were spent with long term- Note that I did not use the word “serious,” men. I had fun, made mistakes, cried and wondered if I was ever going to find someone who I not only liked but who I could rely on. A man I could do things with who respected my need to be independent and enjoy my own things.  That guy who genuinely cared in a way I didn’t even know I was looking for. This may be hard to understand if you haven’t found him, but you will and then it will dawn on you. A man who cares doesn’t need to be available 100% of the time, but he knows how you take your coffee and he enjoys bringing it to you when you’re sleeping late. He understands what you’re passionate about and while he may not understand, he sees the difference in your smile and hears it in your voice when you’re in your element. He appreciates that. There isn’t a debate over the amount of time you spend with each other, but maybe a discussion weekly to coordinate; it is … easy. At first, I was hesitant; I wanted to believe it and to feel that relief, but it was terrifying to not have to be on guard and on my toes all of the time.

He is a man of his word. He may not always call, because he gets busy with work or has something weighing on his mind and just needs a minute. He works a lot and when he says his kids come first, believe me, they do. It makes me extremely proud to be with someone who is dedicated to his child or children, because he cares about something bigger than himself and that is a huge thing. He can’t hang out because he has that kid today but how about tomorrow? Just because you’re not number one on THAT list, doesn’t mean you’re not number one on another one. He cares and he wants to make it work, so try the juggle with him. It means saying not tonight but how about this weekend, and it means he’s not going to introduce you, not because he doesn’t trust you, but he is protecting that child from everything until he is certain. He runs late because of Gymnastics or Baseball but you should see the look on his face. That smile is everything. He has to take a time out at dinner to FaceTime and you should hear him talk to that child. It makes my heart squish.

When you get jealous of the Ex, remember that she is an Ex for a reason, and be proud that he can have an adult conversation with her, usually about the child, but sometimes not, because it means he is strong enough to take the high road. He wants his children to see adults that act with their hearts, their heads, and that can show mutual respect. In the world today we need all of the love and respect we can find and if we can be raising children who act with their heads, maybe we can leave a positive imprint for generations to come.

It’s not easy, to be with a co-parent, especially if you are without your own child. You might not understand the commitment at first but you will and it’ll surprise you how much you start to care, not just about cultivating your relationship but about that child. You can feel his love and it radiates through you. It will open your heart to a different type of love and your mind to a whole new side of relationships. You will learn what it truly is to love someone.

Recently I read an article by whom I cannot remember but I wish I could; this person put in writing things I could not myself verbalize regarding the mere notion that one has a calling and one has a career and while our lives may intersect the two or whether they run parallel, we shouldn’t ignore what makes us happy but how do we do it?

I feel like on most days I am an average person; not exceptionally smart, not exceptionally beautiful and not really great at many things. I am really only great at one or two things. I am not the sort of person who can where white and not spill, my hair and nails are never perfect and I use profanity way past the classy-but-cool mark. Most days I feel like I have goals and I have dreams and I have a schedule that is completely unorganized. The chaos in my mind, the tornado of thoughts, never really settles. There are a lot of us out there though, right? Trying to do our best to get it right, but who really knows what that is? Well there is one thing I am really good at: I know I'm good at it, I'm passionate about it and it's literally my life. So I am going to figure out some way to make it a bigger part of my life! I also know I am not completely happy, so I am going to take some steps to really expand my happiness, it is after all, my biggest responsibility to myself, eh?

Well, this article sparked me. I have, for months, been feeling the need to spread my wings but I have had no direction specifically speaking to me. I read this little ray of sunshine, this catalyst to something greater; this glimpse of calm in my crazy and I had to do something. So I wrote it down. Tah-Dah.. That pandemonium started to come out my fingertips.

• Complete a list of goals.
  • Personal Goals
    • A.
    • B.
  • Career Goals
    • A.
    • B.
    • C.
  • Educational Goals
    • A.
    • B.

Okay- That felt a little better. Now what is it I am happy with? I haven’t the slightest. So let’s rephrase: What am I great at? THAT one thing! Is that what I want to do for my career? I actually don’t think so but I wouldn’t mind making some extra cash at it, or at least spreading my education of it to others who can’t afford to get it on their own!

So I wrote out my Educational Goals first because I would like to finish my degree, and it’s more black and white, i.e., easier to figure out. I also found some things I’d like to improve on so how about a writing class?! Stuck that little sucker in there.

Next I thought about my job; Do I like it? It’s okay; I like the people I work with and I do like my job, but I’d like something that wasn’t at a desk. I would love to be outside, up and about. So, I looked at courses I could take to broaden my skills set so I could really narrow down a career path that could be better. At first I had no real idea, so I started doing some research on possible career choices; I started filtering through EVERY degree program offered at a local college and I found some really cool areas of study that I think I would enjoy, that would also fall in line with a career path I could see myself on. I started a list, which at first was HUGE. I actually started to get overwhelmed looking at it and instead of falling down that rabbit hole I started to cross things off: I started crossing off the things that had no direct connection with what I love and enjoy as a hobby and what I do for work. I narrowed it down to four things and I felt so much better!

I then looked at my Personal Goals. What is it that I want out of life? I want, more than anything, to be better at what I love. So I made a list of three things I could do that would help me with that. One was a course in that area of expertise, to build my confidence and give me more of a gift to share with myself and with others and one was a financial goal.

In breaking these down into goals, I find myself more inspired to break through the haze and it gives me some sort of focus. Just this evening I saw an advertisement for an article about how people got famous. I did not read it but the quote on the ad was something like, “Stay focused.” Of course it’s easy to think that, and it’s easy to get in a rut but I think the missive I took was that it isn’t easy, and maybe none of it is, but you can get where you want to go if you take care of yourself. Stay true to your dreams and work to stay on the path and you’ll figure it out, even if you can't quite articulate it yet.

These thoughts are many

There is a placid lake; reflections of brown and green and blue.

The quiet is shattering and smoldering, bearing down on my chest; I can feel it crushing me.

Where shall I go? What can I do? There are so many options, but there are options too few.

Lead is heavy in my hand and smears the white like a tendril of smoke in this blue horizon pouring out my soul for the Universe in all its wonder and chaos.

The glitter dances over the fluid waves, a gift and a lesson; in the fury is calm and in the calm is passion.

For what would life be without the offer of something better and what would better be without knowledge of the depth of pain? 

That agony is palpable in the moments of silence when the presence of another is too much to bear, and I weep for the memories that will never be and that will always be, ageless.

Frozen in this searing moment is a smile I won’t ever forget and the tear that flows into the embrace of Spirit, always there.

Emotion drifts; It tumbles and it swells and it is effortless to let it go like the ebb of tides pulled from the sand and I know it will be back.

Warmth is there; A reprieve in my storm, for I see the sun and I feel the disquiet fade as the words flow from my hand and the weight is less.

Forward grace with knowledge of the past, a step into the shimmer of hope. 

Trusting my gut has always been difficult. I am a Libra; I weigh every option, every decision, every thought and feeling against what the possible outcome may be.  How does one who weighs every choice end up stringing myself along with men who are losers? I tell myself they’re not losers. Why? I do so because I don’t like the word, “loser.”

Subject A. Educated male, 32 years old. Works full time, owns a house and owns a dog; Sounds great on paper.

Subject B. Educated, 28 year old male, funny, outgoing, military experience.

Subject C. Artistic, 22 year old male, tall, handsome, polite.

All three subjects were fun but what I saw was Subject A had an opinion for everything; I was always wrong, and had some major communication issues. Subject B was a lot of fun, especially with alcohol or drugs in his system. He had a love-hate relationship with his family and a sister who he never saw. Subject C was nice to look at, very thoughtful and fun. He was sweet and endearing and I loved him most of all. I learned later in the relationship about drugs, alcohol and deep family issues.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for giving someone the benefit of the doubt but what I overlooked was the disrespect I was given. I let myself become a victim.  As a female in my early thirties, I now look back and wish I had changed the way I was thinking about things!

I knew it was happening, I felt it. It was a feeling in my gut that caused me to question them internally. If I spoke aloud about my fears or concerns many times my feelings were pushed aside with a lame excuse. The common theme here is that in every relationship I had at least some sliver of self-preservation that told me to at least walk away, if not run! I let myself be treated like crap; I felt worthless, unlovable, and depressed. I allowed myself the opportunity because I knew that these guys were not bad human beings (I mean they probably were but again, I digress). I felt like I was giving up on them. I didn’t really feel like I could fix them, because I knew that they had issues, but so do I, right? Yes, I do, but it is my responsibility to fix it or change. That isn’t what makes me a loser, but if I hold someone back or treat someone like crap it does make me a bonafide loser. I lose out on a lot. Which is what they did. They ultimately lost out and I won because at least I feel like I learned some very valuable lessons, HOWEVER, as they say, “Once is a mistake, twice is a choice,” which might actually be the real lesson in all of it.

Take responsibility for your actions and choices, and most importantly your thoughts! Don’t let yourself be a lesson for someone, and don’t put yourself in a position to second guess yourself when you know the answer. If you are asking yourself, or anyone else the question, you are at least subconsciously aware that something has got to change. I promise that the right guy is out there. You need to do you and stand strong for yourself so that you don’t spend years trying to undo damage to your confidence, your view on the world and your relationships with people. Make time to be adventurous, spontaneous and strong! Be courageous, you’ll thank yourself later.