Author: Emily Gage

"You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of my life with you." – Doctor Who

Losing a pet is one of the hardest things an animal lover will ever have to endure. It doesn't matter how long they've been around, but if you loved them, you will feel the pain of losing them and it will cut deeper than their little claws ever could.

What you don't realize is how much of an impact they've mad on your life or how their presence was bigger than you'd imagine. One day they're here and the next they're not and you feel an emptiness throughout your household, one that you'd never experienced before you had them.

Big or small, they make their way into your heart and most of the time, you cannot let go. You look at their little faces and you know that they were always meant to be yours. 

They look at you like you're the love of their life and that they couldn't be happier that you're their person.

Being their person comes with a lot of pain because, as the quote states, you can't spend the rest of your life with them when that's all you've ever wanted to do.

They walk into your life and your heart swells with such love and joy and there's nothing they could do that would make you love them any less because as each day passes – somehow, miraculously – your heart increases and you do love them more.

You look at each other the same way. Whether a cat, dog, or any small animal or feathered friend, they all have a tendency to give you that look of admiration and joy.

You try to give them the best life that you possibly can. You spend hundreds of thousands of days with them by your side and whatever happens, you try to make sure that they're happy and content. 

Their little motions and behavior tells you that you are doing everything right… but in the end, you may second guess that. However, don't let your doubts cloud the best life you gave them.

Don't let your doubt suddenly tell you that you didn't give them what you needed because you did. You did the best you possibly could and they will forever be grateful.

In the end, everything hurts – whether it's you or them or both.

In the end, your entire world comes shattering down and you sometimes have to make a choice, but I will tell you that you are making the best choice you possibly can. 

If you gave them a good life then you know that you're making the right decision, even when it leaves you with nothing but pain.

It feels like losing a family member or a limb. Nothing ever goes back to normal and there will be some phantom pain in your life every time you call their name or think that you saw their shadow out of the corner of your eye.

Sometimes the pain lasts for years because you know that you will never meet another animal like them again.

They all have attitudes and personalities and little quirks that no other pet will ever have. 

And that's okay. 

It's okay because they're all unique creatures and it's almost funny how beautiful that can be, even though it leaves you with dread in the moment.

"Somethings in life are worth getting your heart broken for." -Doctor Who

In the end, you will tell them that you're sorry, but they will give you that knowing look – the one that understands. 

People can tell you that they don't know what's happening, but by the time you arrive to the vet, they know what's going to happen and although it's painful to see, you know that they forgive you. 

They forgive you because they loved you with every atom of their being. They forgive you because you're doing what's right. They forgive you because they do not want to suffer any further. They forgive you because they know it's difficult, but they know that it's time, just like we do. 

And, most of all, they forgive you because you did everything that you could to keep them happy and healthy for the entire time you knew each other and doing everything to keep them happy sometimes comes to the most heartbreaking decision of doing what's best for them one last time.

As much joy as animals can give you, they can break your heart in a millisecond, in a way you never knew that they could, but they don't mean to. Heartbreakingly enough, that's the way life goes. 

Saying goodbye is the hardest part because having to do so is something you will never get over.

What it all comes down to in the end is that you did everything you could for them. You gave them so much – as much as you possibly, humanly could. 

Although it may hurt, you have to remember that they were incredibly pleased with what you were able to do for them.

This, in the saddest form, is a reminder to love your animals. Love them with every single part of you. Love their purrs, their chirps, their squeaks, and their whines. Love their quirks. Love them and they will love you in return – even when it's all over.

You will cry and mourn, but at the end of the day, you will also heal.

As the same Doctor Who episode states: "Some things in life are worth getting your heart broken for."

To Spunky, London, Lily, Shawnie, and all of my small animals – I hope I gave you the best life that I could. I miss you all more than I can bear at times, but I know that you were happy and that has to be enough to keep me happy. If I had it my way, I'd spend the rest of my life with all of you, giving you every ounce of love. Even though I cannot have my dream, please know that all of you were worth getting my heart broken for.

Throughout the years, I have seen you grow into such a beautiful person. You've always had a soul that knocks me off my feet every time you smile and open up to me. 

So it probably comes as no surprise to you that when I see any person taking advantage of your kindness, I get a little defensive. 

Honestly, you're one of the best people in the actual world. Maybe I'm biased because you're like my sister, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to stick up for you.

We can't expect every person we meet to love us, but who couldn't love you? You are who you are and you sure as hell aren't changing that. Of course, you have your insecurities still but all I have to tell you is that you have nothing to be insecure about.

To me, your battle scars are commendable and inspire me day in and day out. And anyone who thinks otherwise can leave because we don't have time for that.

Never let anyone tell you that you have to think or act or love a certain way. You deserve nothing but the absolute best for being exactly who you are. 

If anyone thinks you need fixing or changing, they can come tell me their concerns and I'll give them something else to worry about. 

You are perfectly imperfect and I can see past your imperfections and love them because I love you. And I promise I'll put up a strong fight against anyone who has ever made you feel worthless and alone.

You're the type of girl that leaves people happier than how she found them just by being herself. You know how beautiful that is? 

Sometimes I wonder how life keeps throwing crappy people into your life because under no circumstance do you deserve their treatment. You deserve better than what you've known. You deserve the entire world and everyone is lucky to love you and have you love them in return.

Every stupid person that has come along and couldn't see your worth is missing out on the beauty that you shine upon us all.

You deserve the entire world and I know you may not see that, but I do. I do because I took a moment to see who you truly were and when you opened yourself up to me, I couldn't fathom up a lifetime without you by my side. 

You're my partner in crime, my sister, and above all else, the one person who I will never give up on. To me, you are perfect and you deserve better. 

When we were together, it was one hell of a ride… and I don’t mean that in a good way. We were never up because we were constantly down in the trenches and we weren’t able to pull ourselves out. 

Now that I’m here, I am finally able to admit the truth: I couldn’t be happier without you.

Maybe I’m a terrible person for saying such a thing, but it’s true. I can finally breathe again. Back then, I wasn’t sure who I was because you constantly wanted to be attached to my side and in more ways than one, you suffocated me. 

Near the end, you turned me into a person I had never met before and one I’ve never met since. I wasn’t myself and for some reason, you couldn’t understand why I was behaving in a way that made me look insane to the outside world. 

I felt insane inside and that’s because I couldn’t conjure up a way to make you leave me since you wouldn’t let me leave you.

I was a bitch. I did and said things that I wish I could take back, but now that we’re here, I’ve moved on from that person. I’m not blaming you for who I was back then. In fact, I should probably thank you because it dawned on me that I never needed you.

Others thought I was crazy and that’s okay because they understood why you made me feel that way.

I don’t remember who I was before you. You did nothing but play mental games with me and tell me that it was for my own good. I genuinely know that you loved me, but now I understand that it wasn’t good – it was toxic in a way that I’ll never understand.

You did nothing but hold me back. You crushed all the dreams that I had and you wouldn’t let me out of your sights even for one second because there was no trust; there was only jealousy and anger that lassoed me back to you.

I don’t blame you for being you – I don’t blame you for treating me the way that you did; but man, you cannot blame me for hating it for one second.

Now that you’re gone, I know how it feels to be fiercely independent and not in need of any person to love me the way I wanted you to love me.

You were nothing but toxic. You were the reason I could hardly breathe.

I will never thank you for anything you did to me or what you put me through, but I will thank you for finally letting me go.

I’m genuinely happy now that you’re gone. I’m happy in a way you could never make me feel. And there’s something so freeing about being able to say that after all of this time.

I plan on doing whatever I can for your beautiful self.

From the moment my sights are set on you, you will be one of the most important things in my heart.

We will FaceTime regularly so I can hear your little coo’s and cries and you can learn to recognize my voice.

When your mom’s exhausted and needs some rest, I’ll sit with you as you cry and I won’t hold any resentment towards you for keeping me awake.

I’ll do whatever I can to make your life better because the love I have for you is pure and endless.

I’ve got some embarrassing stories about your mother that I can’t wait to tell you (and I fully encourage you to hold them against her.)

You can ask me any and every question, even if you repeat the same one over and over and over again.

Instead of getting annoyed, I’ll remember that you’re experiencing the world for the first time. I won’t let my pessimistic glare stop you from getting what you need.

I’ll pick you up whenever you fall. Whether you trip, fall off your bike, or get kicked over by life, I will be there to kiss your boo boos and help you right back up. 

You’re going to do so many wonderful things in life and I will always be proud of you for who you become.

I promise to be the aunt you can talk to about anything. Everyone needs somebody they can go to with every crisis and I want to be that person for you.

You can trust me no matter what. You’re far too close to my heart for me to ever judge you or tear you down.

I will support you endlessly. I’ll be there cheering you on from the sidelines at every point in your life because there’s no one I want to see succeed more than you.

I may not be a perfect person, but for you, I promise to try my hardest.

No matter what, I promise to love you endlessly, flawlessly, like every child should be loved.

When you lose your best friend it feels like you've fallen into quicksand. You go down further and further, only to feel yourself suffocating as soon as the quicksand swallows your neck.

When they're gone, you will feel an incomplete silence, one that is usually filled by their words or her presence. They're supposed to be next to you, keeping you strong and laughing at dumb jokes. 

They were the person that you ran to with every single thing whether it was a random thought or a bad day and you knew that they'd always be there to fall back on… until one day they weren't.

Now your life is filled with a void that cannot be filled or replaced by anyone else's love for you. You have other people in your life that care about you and love you, but it's different than what you had with your friend.

Your love was so strong for them; you felt as if you had a natural bond from the start, like fate played a game in life and lead you to one another.

Fate did play a hand in life, bringing you into each other's life, but the world took them away. You can sit here and blame everyone and everything for taking them, but that wouldn't be fair. 

They wouldn't want you to play the blame game.

If they were still here, they'd tell you that everything was going to be okay. Their words would sound like a promise and you'd believe them for a brief, fleeting moment until you realized that losing them crushed you. 

A part of you is now buried six feet under with them and there's no way that can feel okay. 

They'd be proud of you for holding on, for being strong, but it's harder than it looks. To most people it seems as if you're doing better. You're holding your head up high and trying to get through life without them, but deep down it's killing you and your emotions are trying to eat you whole.

Although you start to feel a little less woozy without their companionship, you always feel the weight of what you lost and you carry it around on your shoulders like you're Atlas carrying the entire world on your shoulders.

As awful as it all is when you cannot find a light to save you, you do know deep down that it's going to subside. They will always be in your thoughts and memories and although the pain remains the same, you realize that you don't have to live without them. Instead, you can live for them.

Sound like a crazy person babbling to themselves on a train and talk to them out loud. Give them all of your worries and the emotions that you have bottled up since they've been gone.

Those plans that you had together? Do them in their honor.

Sitting around and moping is always okay, but you have to look for the brighter days when you can look up at the sky and smile, hoping that they're smiling back at you as well.

Being without them is a struggle and a burden that you'll have to carry for the rest of your life, but there is a way to get through. It's rough and it's strenuous, but it's worth it for them. Because if they were here right now, they'd tell you not to cry for them and you know how much that is true.

As for me, it's been a year since I've lost her. The days pass slowly when I want to talk to you and tell you about what's happening in my life. But I know deep down that I can still make it through this world with you by my side. 

This wasn't ever goodbye. 

It's me saying "I'll see you when I see you again." And what a glorious day that will be.

I don't know who I was the night that I turned you down. I was a completely different girl, trying my best to shield myself from whatever hurt you could cause me. I tricked myself into thinking that it would all end in heartache, that you'd end up choosing someone else over me in the long run.

But now, I see your dedication to someone else and it absolutely tears me apart. The could've, should've, would've's make my heart physically ache when I lie in bed and let my mind wander.

I think about what we could've been. I see cute couples and think that that should be us — just like you did before. If I had known then what I knew now, I wouldn't have let you get away. I would have given you my all.

I thought you were absolutely delusional when you sat there and poured out your heart and soul to me to the point where it almost angered me to hear such things… but it should not have gone down that way. 

It should have been better than that; I should have gotten over myself and thrown my arms around you, never letting you go.

Whenever some sappy song comes on, I immediately think of you. 

I daydream of how your shirts could've hung over my frame in a baggy fashion as we danced around the kitchen in the middle of the night. We would laugh and fall to the floor, totally and wholly in love with one another. 

But for some reason I selfishly turned away and never gave us the chance to explore something more than our friendship.

After all of it was said and done, after time had passed, I remember telling you that I loved you. I said it in past tense, not wanting to bring up feelings that should've been laid to rest by now. 

However, I know that every single time we talk now, there's something that's missing. We aren't the same people, the friends, that we were before it all happened. There's an awkwardness that hangs over us, a tension that you could cut with a knife. 

My friends say to get over it, that you were just a boy, but you were so much more than that and I don't know how it took me so long to realize that in the first place.

If I'd only had the courage to tell you that I loved you years ago, everything would be different. But I am not a courageous girl. I am a girl who fears rejection in every way possible and I am a girl who is afraid to let anyone else in, for the fear that they could cause me harm.

The silly thing is that I know deep down you wouldn't have scarred me like the last one did. I know that you would've loved me better than anyone else had before.

You would've been the one guy that my parents approved of. 

But I selfishly let you get away. Instead of getting over my own shit, I let you get away and for some reason, I don't think you'll ever be coming back around ever again.

I'm sorry that I let you slip through my fingers the way you did. 

This was never supposed to happen. It was supposed to be you and me in the end. I still hope that it is you and me in the end, until our dying days. 

I hope that you're the one next to me when life gets rough; I hope that when we get old you will still catch you smiling at me with that endearing love in your eyes.

However, my mother's friend always says that the "would've's, could've's, and should've's" in life will end up killing me. Maybe she's right.

Life is rough and I now know that I need to accept that I was a fool and let you get away and stop dreaming about what could've been.

Maybe I should get over you and move on with my life.

I'm tired of being treated like I'm lazy.

I know I stay in bed for hours, unwilling to get up most of the time.

I know that I stay in my pajama's all day unless I have to work or go to the store to buy junk food for when I stuff myself full later on. 

I know that I often come across as an Ice Queen; a person that's unwilling to let anybody in because she doesn't want to get hurt, a person that tries to keep her guard up all day long because if I don't, I will collapse to my knees from the monster named "Depression" who has a stranglehold on me.

When you look at me and scoff with that look in your eye, I know that you think I'm lazy. You think that I'd rather sleep and lounge around all day for no apparent reason. You tell me to get over myself, that if I just got out of the house and got some fresh air I'd be fine… but you're wrong.

Even when I'm medicated I can tell that something's wrong. When I'm medicated I still can hardly hold my head up high. I either don't sleep or I sleep 16 hours a day. I either shower or I don't for over two days. I either eat everything in sight or I don't eat at all. It's hard to get up and go when you feel like something's physically and mentally weighing you down at all times.

I am not lazy.

I know I come across that way, but I am screaming into the void that I am not slothful on purpose. If I could have it any other way I would. I want to be busy. I want to go out and socialize for once other than staying at home and holing myself up in my room.

If I could get away from this damn thing I would.

What I don't need is someone to look down on me and tell me that I should just smile for once in my life. Or that I should get some exercise or go for a walk. That isn't going to miraculously cure me. If it did, don't you think I would've done that a very long time ago?

Don't you think I would have escaped this years ago if it were that easy? 

Please stop thinking of me as the laziest person you know or the laziest person in the family. That's not who I am. 

I sit there and take your comments because you don't know what it's like to be like me. You don't know how it feels and how exhausting it is to always be exhausted and feeling lower than dirt.

The next time you think that I'm a girl who just wants to lounge around all day and not give a crap about a life that she could have if she'd only step outside, please remember that I am depressed. 

Please remember that depression is much different than just feeling blue. 

I've spent years trying to get out of my rut and I hope that it breaks soon just so I can prove that I can be a person who is a go-getter like you are.

Depression is real and it affects me in a way you cannot comprehend because you cannot feel the despair and hopelessness that I do every time I open my eyes.

Some days it's better than others and I live for those days. I live for the days where I wake up and smile because the sun is shining bright. I live for the days I spend an entire day out of the house or overnight at a friends house because they make me happy. I live for the days when I can listen to music that soothes my soul and drink a cup of tea and find bliss in it all. However, unlike some people, that is not every day like it is for them.

I am trying to beat this; I am trying to not let it take over me any longer. I swear, one day I will recover and I will be the person you expect a twenty-something to be, but until then, please don't call me lazy. Even if you choose not to believe it, I really am trying.

I will never know the answer as to why old, white men are able to control women's bodies. They blame it on the Biblical fallen one, Eve, saying that because of her, we must suffer. 

It's 2017 and we aren't able to rule over our own bodies and it upsets me and other women in every which way. There is no reason why men should be able to put tampon taxes on everything and hike up the price of women's products when men's products are cheaper.

In this day and age, tampons and sanitary pads are listed under "luxury items", thus explaining why we pay $4 to $15 per package. There are a lot of people living under the poverty line who cannot afford these "luxury" items and have to suffer without them each month.

There are many women out there who cannot hold a job because they know they do not have the sanitary products needed in order to do so which means they sit there and bleed through their clothes every month, feeling completely helpless.

Girls don't go to school because they're ashamed and have trouble bleeding through their clothes as well.

Yet for some reason, the government still expects us to go to school and get jobs instead. What the older men who lead this country do not understand is that sometimes it's impossible.

Viagra, on the other hand, is not taxed as a luxury item. You can get these through your insurance company and won't have to pay a thing. Women have a huge problem when they bleed out for 3-10 days a month, yet just because a lot of (old) men have erectile disfunction, the government sees that as a medical coverage; something that is not taxed and is passed off as a necessity.

Throughout history it's obvious that women often get screwed over and this, right now, might just be one of them. There are big issues such as not getting birth control and Trump being anti-abortion, but a period is still what every female has in common. We get screwed time and time again and although we try to make it stop and try to have our rights given back to us, nothing ever changes.

There is nothing luxurious or fun about having a period, no matter what age you are. The fact of the matter is that tampon tax is going up so much that we cannot keep up. There are about 12 states that do not abide by this law and do not tax. However, that leaves us with a grueling 38 that do.

When someone out there tries to tell you that you should suffer because of what Eve did in the Garden of Eden, tell them off. Let them know the facts. There shouldn't be a single person out there that believes tampons should be taxed when Viagra isn't. Most women have periods for a majority of their lives and must suffer through it every single month, but it's only some men suffer with ED.

It's not fair. And now, in the times of Trump's presidency, it is time to make our voices louder than ever.

Ever since we broke up, I've been a wreck. Not because I miss you and not because I loved you, but because you tried to kill me and the worst part of it is that I don't think you knew what you were doing.

I'll admit, we were both vicious, but what you did to me drove me into the ground. People say all the time that I'm lucky I got out before you started throwing physical punches and I know that I am. 

The truth is, it would've only been a matter of time where your fist met my face.

You walked around for so long saying that I'm crazy, telling people to watch out for me because I abused you worse than you ever did to me. 

I know that I hurt you with my weaponized words, but you have left lifelong bruises on my mental health.

And the fact of the matter is, you hurt me worse than anyone I've ever met. You did nothing except isolate me.

I'm a girl that can take a lot of hits, life can knock me down whenever it chooses to do so, but maybe you knew every manipulative move in order to tear me down.

You knew exactly where to cut me deep once you drove my loved ones away from me.

Maybe you knew that every time you called me a whore I would sink further into the ditch that you were digging for me.

It's been years now and I'm still having a hard time forgiving you.

Every day I walk through life hoping that today's the day I will forgive you, but then one little memory comes rushing back, making my life worse than I ever thought it would be.

I always try to see the best in people and level out situations.

Even though you've moved on, and your life is fantastic now I still hope you get help. 

I hope you know the emotional and mental damage that you caused one girl. 

As much as it pains me to say this, I do wish you the best, but just know that I am still trying to forgive you. 

I am not holding a grudge, but the weight of what you did to me has caused me nothing except excruciating agony. I am over you, but I'm not over what you did to me.

Maybe one day I will forgive you, but for now, I can't.