Author: Erin Ruth

It's truly difficult to explain anxiety, even for someone who has it. I don’t even fully understand my anxiety and I deal with it every day, every hour, and every minute of my life.

Each of us has an entirely different experience with anxiety, so there's no easy way to gauge how much progress we're making in the battle for our mental health.

All that should matter is this: I am trying.

I know that those words may mean nothing to you, but they matter to me. I am trying to overcome this disease. I am trying to help myself. I am trying to relax and enjoy my life.

It’s hard. It’s difficult. It’s a constant struggle.

Go ahead, roll your eyes and say I’m throwing a pity party – I know that I’m not.

I don’t purposely play 'the anxiety card.

I don’t play that card because why would I want to let you hypocritical people in on my life in the first place? If I tried, do you know what you’d say? I bet something like “it’s okay, I understand.” or  “I know how you feel.”

But you don't know how I feel. If you did, you wouldn't risk my wrath by telling me useless things like “stop worrying.”

If I could “stop worrying,” do you really think I would be sitting here typing this? I physically can not stop worrying, that's what anxiety means. 

I can try and try and try again to no avail. I worry about not worrying because even if I'm not worried, I always think there's something I should be worrying about. 

Whether I am worrying about something important like whether the love of my life will ever understand me at all or something as trivial as which perfume to wear in the morning, I am going to worry. 

If something is truly bothering me, I'll tell you. Wait. Did you catch that? If something is really deeply bothering me, I will tell you what it is.

Otherwise, let me worry inside of own my head – it gives me something to think about. I’m not going to “worry myself sick” over little things. I will tell you if they become more than little things. I promise.

Stop telling me to “calm down” or to “take a chill pill.”

I have a chill pill. Yes, I literally have a pill that I have to take when my anxiety is bad enough that I'm sick to my stomach and can't sleep for days because of it. So yes, I’ll take a chill pill, just so I don’t bother you.

Telling me to “calm down” is telling me to bottle up all of my feelings and not let them out. When you say those two horrible words, I know you don’t give a crap and you don’t want to. 

You say those words and I know that you don’t have time to listen to me about what is going on in my head.

Quit telling me that I control it.

If I controlled my anxiety, do you honestly think that I would be typing this? No.

If I controlled my anxiety, I wouldn’t have it, or I would set it on the lowest possible scale that I could. Do you think that if it was up to me, I would be living with this? If you honestly think that I would choose to, then you’re an idiot.

Anxiety is a daily battle.

I’m sorry that I have to fidget or walk around. I’m sorry that I put a damper on your day when I ask questions to try to ease my mind instead of in evolving into a bigger problem later, due to me being upset or worked up. 

I’m doing little things like kicking rocks or picking at the skin around my nails because it gives me something to focus on. 

It gives me something to do instead of worrying about you judging me, but deep down, I know. You’re already judging me and you always will. I’m not stupid. I see it. I see how much I am bothering you for worrying over petty things.

You think I’m not trying, but I know that I am.

Every day when I get up, I hope and pray that I can make it through the day without letting someone else in on my life. I try to cover up all of my worries and fears so you don’t see them and ask me questions. 

I try to put everything to the back of my mind, just so I can have a good day. I do this every single day. 

Sometimes my days are great! I can go all day without letting anyone in on my struggles or some little moment evolving into a big problem.

But, not every day can be a good day.

There are days when I wake up and I feel the tightness in my chest before my feet even hit the floor. Usually, on those days, I can take my “chill pill,” calm down and focus on the day ahead. 

Some days though, I'll be driving down the road and it hits me. You know what really sucks? Sometimes, I’ll have these “attacks” and there won’t even be a reason. Sometimes they just happen without a trigger.

Do you judge someone that has a physical disease, like cancer? No, you don’t. So why are you judging my mental illness? 

No, they aren’t the same things. I know that I'm not dying from a brain tumor. I know that I’m not really dying at all, but this disease is going to the grave with me nonetheless because I can’t fix it.

I can’t fix anxiety. You putting me down isn’t helping either, it's actually making it worse. All that should matter is that I am trying. You don’t have to see my progress, in fact, you won’t see any even if you try. But I will. 

My progress will be not getting worked up about the things I used to. Progress will be me going longer and longer without having a panic attack. 

I’m trying. Deep down inside, I am trying. I can’t just leave this behind because it's stuck with me for the rest of my life.

I can deal with anxiety. The question is, can you deal with and love the person who lives with it day to day?

Do you have that place? You know, the place you feel like you can be yourself? The place you find your peace?

Maybe it’s your bedroom. Sometimes it’s at the beach. It could even be in your grandma’s kitchen. Most of the time, we find this place at an early age, or in your teen years. It’s that place you run to when you need peace or when you just need to think. I always thought I knew where my place was, but come to find out. I didn’t.

This place. It’s new to me. It’s not anything fancy. To be completely honest, it is dusty, it can be loud and full of sounds. Sometimes it is chaotic and sometimes theres arguments and disagreements. To me, I find it so energizing and peaceful at the same time, but to someone else, it is their everyday life.  

This place isn’t just in one spot either, but instead it’s a little area. Whether it be in the upstairs bedroom with the windows wide open laying in bed, driving around looking at the fields, or whether its riding in the tractor or on the back of a planter. Sometimes I get lucky enough to catch the beautiful Missouri sunset. Something about it, its my little piece of heaven.

This place, I’m not always alone, but I don’t always want to be.

This place I’m with this guy. The one who has shown me so much love in such a brief period of time. This place is normal for him. This place is his life, and he’s letting it be mine, too.

This place isn’t the only part of my “little piece of Heaven,” but he is too.

Those times laying in bed upstairs with the windows open? I get to lay by his side. I get to talk about my day and talk about his. We get to watch funny videos and giggle about little things. We get to talk about things that bother us. We talk about everything.

Those times I’m driving around looking at fields? I’m riding shotgun with him. Talking about how wet a field is or where the water is going to come up to when it floods this summer. Revving up the engine when I point out a deer in the field next to us. Stopping to get drinks out of the cooler in the truck bed. It’s all the little things that we do that make it fun.

Those times I’m riding in the tractor or on the back of the planter? You guessed it, hes there. Whether it be him teaching me about the different types of soil or teaching me when to drop the disc at the right time. It’s the times we are on the back of the planter with dust blowing in our faces and eyes and talking about which part of the planter is the closing wheel.

It’s those times.

Those times that everything is far from peaceful, is the time that I’m reflecting on everything. Those times that its hectic, it’s the time I’m smiling and having the time of my life. Its those times, that mean the most to me.

Having “your  place” doesn’t have to be a typical place. It can be anywhere you want it to be. Wherever you have that feeling of peace, happiness, and love. That’s your place. Your place doesn’t have to be a physical place either. It can be a person or an animal. My place, my little piece of heaven, is a place and a person.

Go out and explore. Go out and find your little piece of heaven, because it might be something completely different than you thought it was.

The number of times I have been told “You’re only doing that for attention,” is outrageous.

I wear makeup: “You’re only doing that for attention.”

I wear my hair down and curly: “You’re only doing that for attention.”

I’m having a bad day and I shed a tear: “You’re only doing that for attention.”

The list goes on and on…but honestly…am I actually doing it for attention, or do I want to be happy in my own skin and not get run down by the rest of the world?

Every day, someone goes through the routine of getting ready for school, work, or anything that requires going out in public. The thought that comes to mind? “Do I look okay?” YES, QUEEN. YOU LOOK GREAT! You do you, girl!

You’re always afraid of the comments someone might make though, right?

Society has taught girls of all ages that we have to be “approved” by everyone else. 

Noooo, we don’t. You want to wear makeup? Do it! You want to style your hair in a way other than the everyday ponytail? Go for it! You feeling upset and down? Shed that tear, or be like me and go all out with those tears.

The reality is no one else’s opinion matters except yours. 

Why should I care what society thinks of me? Are they paying my bills? No. Are they doing my school work? Absolutely not. Are they planning my future? Nope. So why? Why do I care so much what others think? Answer: Because society sucks and that’s how society has taught me to be.

As a female, we are taught to only do the things that “complement our body.” You know what happens when we do that? We get called sluts. We get called whores. We get told we are doing it only for attention. When does it stop? 

We are told that everybody should be happy with themselves. Yet, when we walk out in something that someone else doesn’t like, we get put down, we get called names, we get judged. Are we asking for compliments at every turn? No. Are we seeking attention? No. We are doing us! We want to be comfortable with ourselves!

There are so many girls out in the world already that don’t feel comfortable with their bodies, so why continuously make them feel worse about themselves? Let us be happy! Secretly inside all of us, we are already not happy with how our winged eyeliner turned out, or we are worrying about how bad our hair will be frizzed up in two hours.

Don’t ever follow societies path, make your own, girl!

There is no reason why we can’t cry. There is no reason why we can’t plaster makeup on our face if we want to. There is no reason why we can’t dye our hair a different color and get a perm. You know why we do it? Because WE want to. 

Society needs to learn that what we do is up to us and it focuses on our own personal feelings. 

You all are beautiful and don’t let society tell you any different. You keep doing you because, in the end, you’re the only one that has the power to make yourself happy.

Next time someone makes the comment, “You’re only doing it for attention,” you look at them and say “No. I’m doing it because I know I’m beautiful and I’m not falling to society’s standards.”

You’re 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, maybe even in your 20’s. The part of a woman’s life where we are supposed to find our soulmate, right? Wrong! Reality has taught us young women to believe that we are supposed to find our “Knight in Shining Armor” in our teenage years or early college years. Reality really sucks sometimes though! Reality is WRONG! Never, ever doubt your beautiful self! You sit back and you Pray. Stop worrying about that guy who texts you when its only convenient for him. You’re better than that. Hear me out, I’m only 20, but let me tell you a few things that I’ve learned in those terrible teen years.

I had my first relationship when I was 15. “Young Love” is what I thought it was. I believed he was my soulmate. I was the happiest girl alive! Wait. Did you notice it? “WAS.” That’s right. I was with this boy for a year and four months. When we broke up I was 16 about to turn 17 and he was 16. I was heartbroken. I cried and cried and cried. How could someone who loved you so much cause so much heartache? I thought my life was over. I convinced myself that there was never another guy out there for me. I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. It’s hard. Heartbreak is terrible. I really did think nothing in my life would ever go right. About 2 or 3 weeks of crying every night before bed and before school every morning, I stopped. I wiped my tears, I kept my head up, and I started forward again. I prayed for God’s will in my life. I decided to wait.

Second semester of my Senior year started and a boy caught my eye. We started talking. We talked and talked and talked. Talked for 3 or 4 months. I thought he was my soulmate. Stop. There’s that word again!! “Was.” I loved this boy. Loved him with all my heart. I gave to him and he gave to me, but not as much. I thought that was okay though… I thought that even though you gave more and showed more and cared more, that it was okay. I shaped to him. I went to all of his events. I drove to see him every night of the week. I hung out with him. I put my life on the back burner, just so I could be with him. Six months after we started dating, he broke up with me. I cried and cried. I couldn’t handle another heartbreak… But, he came back. If he came back he and I were obviously supposed to be together forever, right? Absolutely not! I got back together with him. I also got back together with him the 3 other times he broke up with me in a 2 year time frame. What kind of relationship is that? Is it one? No. It isn’t. All that was to me was complete torcher. I kept going back and going back and going back and he took that to his advantage. Two days after Christmas of 2016, he broke my heart for the last time. That’s right. As hard as it was for me, I packed the rest of my dignity up and I kept walking. I figured out that I was better than that. I deserved better than to be walked over and left over and over again. But where am I now?

Sophomore year of college, and I am on my last stretch to get my associates degree. I am a week away from turning 20 and here I am, with a new guy. The difference though? This guy, is a man. Hes not a “boy” like I’m used to. This is a man who has fought for me and watched me repeatedly go back to a boy who broke my heart time and time again. This is a man who will come to my rescue at 2 am with ice cream and a heating pad when I have cramps, even when he lives an hour away and has to be at work by 7 the next morning. This is a man who lets me come into his life on my terms, but also makes sure I understand his terms. This is a man who buys extra pizza bagels every week because he knows they are my favorite. This is the man who doesn’t sleep much at all, but instead holds me all night while I sleep when he knows I don’t feel good. This is the man who gives up his crazy nights to ride around with me and listen to me blabber about my terrible day. This is the man that I’ve been praying for. All the heartbreak? It was worth it. It hurts like hell, but I promise. Once you find that man, it will all be worth it.

This isn’t meant to tell about how I found love. This isn’t to brag about how happy I am. This is to tell all you ladies out there… KEEP ON GOING! Never, ever stoop so low to be with a boy, because your MAN, he’s out there, and hes waiting. You may not know him, and he may not know you. Just wait. Please be patient you gorgeous girl. I know it’s frustrating and I know that it hurts. He is out there though. Keep being yourself. Keep praying. Keep that smile on your face. I promise that you’re not alone. I promise that you don’t have to have a boyfriend to be happy. I promise that its okay to not be in a relationship at 20 years old! Don’t compare yourself to the standards of todays world, because honestly, there are more women out there than you think, that are the same age as you and still haven’t found their soulmate. You’ll find him. He’ll find you. It will take time, but you’ll know when you find the right one. Keep that gorgeous face pointed up though. Keep the sparkle in your eyes. Keep the smile on your lips. You’re going so far in life honey. Never fall to anyone or anything less than you deserve. You’re amazing and don’t let anyone tell you different! Its okay to cry and be hurt, but don't forget to wipe your tears and straighten your tiara.