Author: Erika Rae

people always say friends with benefits never work. Someone always catches feelings, gets jealous, gets mad when the other people is dating…they say it never works…but I think it’s the best “relationship” I’ve ever had. 

We have so much fun together, and alot of positive energy. We have an amazing friendship, we have a level of trust that I have never had with a man before. We are everything I would want in a relationship, but neither of us actually want a relationship.  We go to dinner, we watch movies and then we jump into bed.  No awkward “walk of shame” here…cause we normally will just head to breakfast! 

You never judge me for me for {still} being heartbroken over someone else, but you can always take my mind off of him.  The greatest part is that You have your life, and I have mine. They don’t intertwine all that much. 

There is no jealousy between us. Literally the best relationship I have had ever, is with you. I can text you any time, and you are there, you are never too busy. You text me sometimes “good morning,” and I sometimes text you the same. Either way, I think we are on the same level

We also have a level of intimacy that is amazing. We know each other. We know what we want, and what we need from each other. We can lay in each other’s arms and feel 100% safe and familiar with each other.

We will never be together, neither of us want that, but I love what we do have, we have a genuine friendship, we never have drama, we can go days without talking, and then see eachother and know, we are what eachother wants….but only in that moment.

She’s going through that time of her life where everything feels like it’s just crashing down around her. She feels like she needs people to support her, but then again, she doesn’t want anyone to know the demons she’s really fighting. 

She’s been through it all: the bad breakup, the friend who stabbed her in the back, the hell she called a job for way too long. It’s all taken such a toll on her heart that it’s just about in pieces. 

But the thing is, she has the best type of people around her with the purest intentions. Always cheering her on, constantly asking if she’s okay. Pushing to get her to start dating again even though her heart is shattered, saying things like “just move on,” or “try meeting someone new, it’ll take your mind off it.”

The thing is, she doesn’t need someone constantly explaining to her that pushing people way and being guarded is such a bad thing. She doesn’t need them getting upset with her when she dodges phone calls and cancels plans to hang out. 

She doesn’t need someone telling her things she doesn’t want to hear, she doesn’t need to be told to “move on” when her heart’s not ready to. And the last thing she needs is someone telling her what’s best for her when all she wants to do is figure it out on her own. 

That’s why, as for right now, she’s going to keep everyone in her life at arm’s length. At least until she can allow her guard to fall and be her true self again. She just needs space to find herself and build herself back up again instead of relying on other people do it for her. 

It’s not such a bad thing– learning how to figure shit out on her own, you know?

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Definition of a party girl: A woman, especially one who is young, who is known for her enthusiastic and frequent attendance of parties; a female party animal.

So you see her at the bars every weekend, dancing her ass off, taking (probably too many) shots, socializing and leaving around 2am.  She always has a big crowd around her, always flirting, and usually wearing a fantastic outfit.

You probably think that she’s going to go home with someone random, being completely irresponsible.  You probably imagine that she lives in chaos.  You probably think she lives like this everyday.  

What you don’t see, is that during the week, she goes to bed at a reasonable time, makes her coffee the night before, meal preps. Her apartment is immaculately clean, and she actually takes off her makeup every night.  The bags under her eyes are no longer there and her hair is always on point.

She gets up and goes to work, kicks ass, and goes home.   Sure she might go to a happy hour, but only has a beer or two.  

This stigma of someone being a party girl and going no where with her life is, quite simply put, bullshit.  Maybe she’s just blowing off steam from her demanding week, and maybe she doesn’t want kids or a relationship anytime soon.

It’s OK for the career girl to go out every weekend and party her ass off.  She earned it.  

It’s such a surreal feeling when you are leaving the place where you thought you were building a career at.  When you left school you had so many aspirations and were so excited about your new job, so motivated, but eventually that excitement and enthusiasm slowly dwindled.  

Maybe management changed, maybe you feel under appreciated, maybe you just plain aren’t doing the job you were hired to do anymore.  

If you feel stagnant, if you feel like you are no longer enjoying waking up every morning for work, when your “career” has turned into just a job, it’s probably time for you to move on.  

You shouldn’t feel bad about it either, your current employer gave you a solid foundation for your future, it gave you insight in what you want and do not want out of a career, and it also helped you build connections.  

Change can be incredibly scary, but so can being stuck, and being stuck can be draining, and depressing.  Remember when you got your first job, and how exciting it was to wake up everyday knowing you were going to learn something new?  That feeling will come back when you find a new opportunity.  You worked hard to get where you are, but if it’s not where you want to be, it’s time to start working towards where you do want to be.  

It’ll be a bittersweet good bye, but in the end, you will be much happier.  

Bipolar disorder is easily misunderstood by people who A. don’t know what it is and B. don’t know they have it. It’s clinically defined as a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). But it feels as if you’re trapped in a deep depression one day and the next you’re proud of yourself for fighting your way out of it. Except Bipolar disorder runs deeper than that, this is exactly what bipolar disorder is and the signs you might have it. 

The one side of bipolar disorder is doing serious damage to your life without even realizing it when you’re experiencing mania. It’s feeling like you’re on the top of the world and absolutely anything is possible, without thinking about the consequences of your actions. Bipolar mania is quitting your job one day because you woke up and didn’t think you needed it anymore. It’s ruining a long-term relationship with the person you planned on marrying all because you saw someone who you thought was attractive. Mania is buying a brand new car and not even remotely being able to pay it off. 

The other side of bipolar disorder is a lot heavier. Bipolar depression is not feeling capable of getting out of bed. It’s wanting to stop living because life feels too daunting to go on. Everything you used to enjoy seems dull and the feeling of loneliness sets in and takes over. Bipolar depression is wondering how you could’ve ever felt happiness before because in the moment, it’s impossible to imagine anything other than this weight on your chest.  

So how do you know if you have Bipolar Disorder? 

1. Life feels like one long roller coaster of very high ups and downs you don’t understand. One day you have a fantastic day, it was all smiles, laughter, and fun. But the next day, something feels off that you just can’t put your finger on. You feel anxious as if a hippo is sitting on your chest and at any moment you could break down and cry but you just can’t figure out why.  

2. You range from hyper-productive to barely functioning. You’ll find yourself in moods where you get all your work done, your room is spotless, your meals are prepped, then others where you’re unable to push yourself to even get out of bed and as hard as you try there’s nothing that’ll bring you to a “normal level.”

3. Your mood swings feel a little more intense than the way your friends talk about theirs. Getting out of bed is a crapshoot, you are either really excited about the day, or just don’t want the day to happen.  And your lows don’t actually compare to a lot of other people’s, yours feel like going through the week is like walking through drying cement. 

4. Going out is a struggle for you. If someone asks you to go out and you’re in a good mood you’ll feel so excited about it and say yes a million times. But when the time comes, and you’re not feeling the same high, there’s almost nothing that’ll shake the feeling of the world being too much to handle. 

5. Stable relationships are something you crave but rarely find. From romantic relationships to friendships, no one seems to understand.  They don’t get why one day you can be so happy and fun to be around to hard to talk without breaking down. You have some days you need everyone and unconditional support to others where you need to be completely and totally alone.  It feels as if no one can handle the ups and downs and you don’t know how to stop them from leaving. 

This journey won’t be easy, but it’s one that is manageable and you can still live your life to the fullest. It’s a myth that Bipolar Disorder is rare, it actually affects more than 5.7 million people, about 2.6% of the American population of adults 18 and over. You can get through this, you just need to surround yourself with empathetic people who will battle this storm with you. If anyone doesn’t have the patience to love you and be there for you, they don’t deserve to be part of your life. 

Keep doing the best you can with everything that’s going on in your head. Being on a stable level is rare, but it is possible. Bipolar disorder may be part of your life, but it does not have to define you. Always remember, you are so much more than your manic-depressive episodes. 

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I’m not sure how the whole “third wheel” idea became such a terrible thing? Basically being on a date with yourself, and your friends, what could be better (and don’t say being on a double date)?

1. A good time is always guaranteed. You like those two people so much a time with them is never a dull moment. You know they like your company as well and also appreciate that…

2. You always get to be the tie breaker. The couple can’t decide where to eat, or what movie to watch and which bar to hit…no problem. You get to be the one to decide, so in that case…

3. …9 out of 10 times you all get to go and do what you want. And let's face it, your plans are always fun. 

4. You always have two people to talk you up when you meet a hottie at the bar…

5… And if by any chance you get into an awkward social situation they are right there to help you get out of it. 

6. You will always have a male perspective you can trust. He's your go to for guy advice. Specially when your best judgement has been compromised by a few extra drinks. 

7. If your bestie's guy is a good guy, he’ll probably be paying for at least the first round drinks. 

8. If the event is lame, you have no obligation to stay, catch an uber and GTFO.

9….On the other hand, if the couple wants to leave but you want to stay, they can catch and uber and GTFO while you get to dance your ass off all night long. 

10. If the couple starts arguing about coupley things, you get to mediate and convince everyone to keep having a good time. 

Yeah it may suck that you have to pay for everything yourself, and watch the constant PDA from the couple, but in the end, being the third wheel has way more advantages. 

Truthfully, I should have listened to everyone.  I should have listened when they said it was a terrible idea to date a coworker, but I couldn’t help myself.  I fell for you, and I fell hard.

I remember how we would take the elevator up to a random floor just to make out, just so you could put your hands through my hair, and grab waist and pull me closer. 

I remember waking up with you, and knowing I got to continue to see you all day, I would see you in the hallways and smirk because you were my little secret. 

Everything was perfect, we were perfect. 

When you left me, I was destroyed.  I couldn’t come to work and see you everyday.  You knew what you had done to me, and you were happy.  You knew every time I saw you I broke even more, you knew you had a power over me. 

Here’s something you don’t know, I got a new job, and now you have to live with never seeing me again.  You will no longer have the power to break me with just a look.  You will never hear my voice in the halls, and my laughter.  When you ask people about me, they won’t tell you.  They won’t tell you because you lost the privilege to know anything about me.  

It’s going to hurt you more than it will hurt me, because when I leave, I will start to heal, and you will start to break.

nd you will start to break.

When you left, you didn’t just walk out of the door, you slammed it in my face.  You took our 2.5 years together and drug it through the mus behind you.   

You took everything we had gone through, and everything that we had built between each other, and threw it away like it was trash, like I was trash. 

You took my confidence and my security with you.  You left me there thinking what I could have done better to keep you, even though I had done everything for you.  You left me second guessing every decision, every emotion, and every feeling.

 When you left, you left me in pieces with no glue to put my self back together.  You left me alone, you left me to crumble and you just walked away. 

When you left, you used the things you told me you fell in love with, against me.  You used my very existence and personality to break me down, to make me think I was always the wrong one.  You said things to me that made me question who I was, which I have never done before. 

When you left, you walked away, on that high horse of yours…and you didn’t care to look back at the wreckage you left behind.

When you left, you left me hollow, a shell, easily cracked and hard to fix. My only hope is that one day you will be man enough to lift someone up, and not break them down.

I see you daily. I catch small glimpses of you when I am walking down the hall and it all comes rushing back to me.

I can see the light in your eyes is faded, but coming back slowly. You don’t look at me the same way anymore.

I hear you whistling down the hallway and I know you are happy, but you are happy with someone else.  It was supposed to be me.

It was so easy for you to shove her in my face, but you never bragged about me that way. You are already doing things for her that you could never do for me.

When you look at me, you look through me, like we never existed. Like what you continue to do to be has no affect on me, but in reality you are destroying me.  Like you never told me you loved me. Like you never imagined me walking down the aisle to you.

It hurts, it’s so painful that I can feel my heart in a thousand shattered pieces. When I think about you and her together, my stomach churns. The thought of you laying with her in bed, and making breakfast together, watching football, and going on dates, my heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach.

The pain is so real.

You were the one for me, you still are the one for me and I hope you realize one day that we are meant to be together.

Until then I will remain invisible to you, and let you be happy with her.

Starting over, in any sense of the phrase is just damn scary.  Whether it is moving into your own apartment, breakups, or moving on from a new job, the thought of the unknown is daunting.  So if you find yourself in any spot of starting over remember this;

1.)    Embrace the change.

2.)    There is always a reason for something to end and something new to begin, whether you know what the reason is or not.

3.)    You can reinvent who you are into who you want to be  

4.)    If you are really anxious, it’s probably the right move.  

5.)    New start, new opportunities.

6.)    You are going to meet so many new people, HOW EXCITING!

7.)    Keep an open mind to new experiences; don’t be closed off to everything.

8.)    You will learn so much about yourself that you didn’t know

9.)    You will get through the hard times and come out stronger

10.)    You will learn who your true friends are, they will be the ones rooting for you

11.)    What you are leaving behind ain’t got shit on what is coming up.

12.)    The person you were, and the person you will become will be totally different.

13.)     A safe life is a stale life, take risks!

14.)    Your comfort zone is a dangerous place to stay

15.)    It’s ok to visit where you came, just make sure you don’t stay there, always move forward

Starting over is terrifying, you have no idea where you will end up, but in the end, starting over means change, and change ensures that life will stay interesting.