Author: Gracielle

People say that every daughter's first love is their dad, and I agree. Growing up, all I ever wanted was to make you proud. I looked up to you as my role model, you were my hero and my strength but also my weakness. I always tried to do my best to make you proud, but for some reason, I keep failing you.

I wasn't the ideal daughter that every father dreams of, that much I know. I wasn't as smart as all the others, I never excelled in academics neither in any other extra curricular activities in school. And when you and mom decided to separate, it had a huge impact on me.

As I grew older it felt like you were thousands of miles away from me. I was misguided, I got influenced by bad company. I started drinking, smoking, and dating… a lot. There was never a time I didn’t have a boyfriend. There came a point where I felt that I should be dependent on men because you weren't around. 

But Dad, I keep choosing the wrong guy. I always end up being cheated on or being left with a broken heart. I think I kept looking for someone like you in every man I date and I keep failing every single time.

And when you came back, I wasn't sure how to reach out to you, I felt ashamed. I felt out of place like I didn't feel I still belong in your life. Dad, I’m too broken on the inside and out to know how to handle any of that. 

You’ve provided for me in your own ways, but to be honest I’ve never felt like your daughter. I grew up thinking that I was just your responsibility. And as a kid not having a father around made me grow up hypersensitive and an over-thinker to the extremes. Your absence wrecked me emotionally and mentally.

Despite everything though, knowing I’ve failed you kills me. My hatred and the pain I felt from not having you around fueled my ability to give you a cold shoulder for too long. But even if I don't usually express my love for you, it will always be there. 

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I continue to fail you, I keep disappointing you, and I almost ruined your family because of my irrational decisions. But just know I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being stubborn and a lot to handle sometimes.  

And I want you to know that I forgive you.

They say, in life, you have to forgive and forget. And I agree, I forgive you, dad, but I know I have to learn this whole ‘life’ thing on my own. For as long as I can remember, I kept waiting for that time where I would be able to look into your eyes and know that you were proud of me… but that time has yet to come. 

I'm not perfect. No one is. And that is something you should realize too. Our pride took the best of us. I made a mistake and even if you won't admit it, you made a mistake too. And that's okay because mistakes make people wiser and stronger. And that is something no one can really avoid no matter how much we try to avoid it. Mistakes are simply part of human nature.

Dad, I know I haven't given you enough reasons to be proud of me, but I promise, someday soon, I will. I'm sorry for not being the daughter you deserve but please know that I love you and you will always be my first love.

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People always think that those who have depression just seek for attention. They automatically assume that it's all in the mind and that those who have it just wants to bury themselves into the loneliness that the world offers.

Those who are suffering from this serious mental illness, It’s time to step up and be heard. People who aren’t confident enough to show their true colors because they know they will be judged right away.  

My depression started when I struggle with living alone. And that's when I tried to end my life. I overdosed myself with pain medicine and if someone didn't call 911, I would have died already. I went to a mental health facility and stayed there for a few days. No one knows I was there. Not even a single person. No one. Things got harder for me and it made me more depressed. So when I was being treated in that facility, I was diagnosed with major depression.

I somehow knew I had it in me for a long time but I have always been in denial. I guess I needed a professional to tell it to me straight up for me to actually acknowledge, believe, and accept it. And I must say, people need to understand that mental illness isn't a joke. Having depression and anxiety isn't a choice.  

You think people wanted to have it? Of course not. People with depression are not always overthinking, always creating problems or worries that aren't really there. You think we wanna live our daily lives with fear out of nothing? You think we wanna live our lives having fear of the unknown? No. This illness isn't something we just come up with for attention nor for us to be bashed about. 

I just wanna tell people that we, the people who suffer from mental illness, need more understanding. If you people aren't willing to do that for us, at least, cut us some slack and just leave us the f*** alone. You have no right to judge us just because it's so hard for you to accept that we are going through something you’re lucky enough not to experience for yourselves.

Why not try to fit in our shoes? And try to open your minds and from there, maybe you  won't be as judging as you all are. 

Mental illness is not a choice. It never has been and it never will be. We, the people who have it, we need to be reassured of our worth. We need people to make us feel we are loved, wanted, and valued cos if not, that's when negative thoughts escalate. 

Just be there for those who are experiencing it. Or at least try. Waking up everyday is a struggle for us. The moment we wake up, we over-think and we get anxious, or at least that's me. 

Right now, I'm not even asking for happiness anymore, just a little less pain from living this world would be so damn nice.

I don't need  pity. I don't need no fake concern and fake love. , I simply want awareness from people. I just want people to be more open minded and a little less judging. 

"Those who commit suicide don't want really want to end their lives, they just want to end their pain." 

Please be kind enough to share this and spread the awareness.

I remember the first time I met you, I was in awe because I have never laid eyes on someone like you before. I will never forget the very first time I saw you, I even remember what you were wearing. God, you were so attractive and so out of my league. I was a second away from walking out and not meeting you, but I didn’t. I pushed through because there was something about you that made me stay, something I never wanted to let go of. 

Do you remember our first date? It was so perfect to me. I immediately opened my heart to you because I felt that I could truly be myself around you. And as the night went by, I didn’t want to leave you. We were still together, but all I could think about was ways to get a second date with you. I had my mind made up that night that my eyes and my heart will only be for you. 

From then on, I knew that even though you weren’t my first love, I wanted you to be my last. I knew deep down that I couldn’t lose you. I was hoping, praying, and wishing that I would never have to go through the heartbreak of not having you in my life anymore.

Days passed and so did weeks… We kept seeing each other every single day. I knew I just had to because not seeing you and not being with you made me feel lonely and incomplete. You weren’t the first guy who made my heart skip a beat but without you, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

The day we became official was my happiest day. There was nothing in this world I wanted more. I know we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but I wanted you. I have never wanted anybody so badly in my entire life until I met you. People say that you aren’t supposed to be with someone every day because then you’ll get tired of them easily but I just couldn’t imagine a day not being able to spend time with you. You became my person, my rock, my world.

Until one day I felt the shift. 

We were slowly drifting apart from all the truths that we started to discover from each other. You found out about my past. I found out about yours. Usually, people say that if you love someone, you would accept them for what and who they truly are, but maybe we moved too fast. I guess we were so fond of each other that we forgot that relationships aren’t always rainbows and butterflies. 

We started fighting and arguing about every single thing. We started using our past mistakes as a weapon to hurt each other. And then, I realized we were just becoming toxic to each other… so toxic that we always seemed like we wanted to kill each other every chance we got.

But love does crazy things. Because no matter how much we despise each other, we kept on coming back. And I wouldn’t say that we kept coming back into each other’s lives because we are afraid to be lonely. I wouldn’t say that we kept coming back into each other’s lives because we just wanna settle for whoever is convenient. Because if that were the only reason we would have already chosen whoever is there for us at the moment. But we didn’t. No matter how many times we try to let go of each other, we always end up wanting to be together. 

Amidst all the negativity, all the pain, all the heartaches, and sufferings we both went through… I just couldn’t imagine being with anybody else but you. Even though I know that the world we’re living in has so much more to offer, I would never dare trade you for anything or anyone else. Because you are and always will be my peace in this world of insanity. 

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I know I’ve apologized to you a billion times for the way we ended, to the point where the words “I’m sorry” mean nothing to you anymore. I wish there were letters I could string together that would fix all the pain I’ve caused you, maybe there are and I just haven’t found them yet. But in the meantime, I’m going to continue apologizing for my mistake because I’ve truly changed and I see how badly I messed this up. 

I'm sorry that when I met you, I assumed you were meant to be the one whose love would bring the broken pieces of my heart back together. I made it your responsibility to fix me in a time when I should have been fixing myself. I put the weight on your shoulders because I couldn’t handle it and you didn’t deserve that. 

I didn't think things through… I just wasn't capable of. I just wanted to be okay again so I invested everything I had in you. I didn’t want to admit we weren’t ready or that we weren’t connected on a deeper level than anyone else. I just wanted to feel the comfort of being loved again. 

I’m so sorry I rushed us. I’m sorry that we could’ve been something so beautiful if I let it happen naturally. I would’ve loved to take it slow and been your best friend first then more and maybe if we did then we wouldn’t have to end what we had.  

Our relationship craved that bond as a foundation to withstand every wave that crashed on us. We so desperately needed it because once things got rocky, there was nothing there to keep us steady. I devoted everything to you: my time, my love, my trust all too soon. 

My fears became so overwhelming that I allowed them to break us apart because I was scared. I wish I could’ve just enjoyed every minute of being your girlfriend, but it was physically impossible for me. Instead, I was constantly thinking of worst case scenarios in my head that only lead to fights and arguments. 

I allowed myself to become paranoid that you were just using me and constantly compared you to my ex’s. I was terrified of growing up only to have my very own version of a broken family that I couldn’t focus on the little things that could make me happy in the present.

And then, just like I always do, I started to push you away. I knew what I was doing and I couldn’t stop. You’d tell me I didn't fight for you and I kept insisting I did, but you were right all along. I didn't fight for you as much as I should have and now it’s too late.

Now you’re gone and I have nothing left for myself. I don't know how to get back up because I let my world revolved around you. You were my everything and it all disappeared when you left me. if I can only go back in time, I would do it all over again but do right by you. I would never leave you because deep down I didn't want to lose you.  

Just know that I will never stop loving you because you made me happy in ways no one else ever could. You fought for me until the very end and tried with everything in your power to make me stay and be with you, and I'm really sorry I didn't. No one has ever loved me or showed me how to truly fight for someone you love until I met you. 

I know I can't change things, I know the damaged has been done, but if ever our paths cross again know I’ve realized everything I did wrong. I might be a work in progress but I’m getting there so that maybe one day you’ll find it in yourself to open your heart to me. And if that day ever comes, I won’t mess it up. I promise.  

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What my love for you has taught me

The moment I finally let myself acknowledge the truth and let it sink in is the time I realized all the things that my love for you has taught me not just about love, or about life, but as well as what I am capable of as a person.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone who makes you happy, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that if that person does not want to be a part of your life, you have to set them free, not for you to be lonely, but for them to be happy. Besides, that’s what a person wants for their loved ones, right? To see them happy even if it means you won’t be a part of that happiness.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone who listens to you or listens to your never ending rants, problems, complaints, or happy moments, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that just because that person listens, it does not mean they would want to be there for you all the time. Besides, just because they listened does not necessarily mean they understand you 100% of the time.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone with whom you can be yourself with, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that just because that person sees all your flaws, it does not mean that they would see you for who you truly are. Besides, it does not guarantee that they will always look past all your flaws and accept you wholeheartedly.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone you are willing to go extra mile for, someone you are willing to do things you’ve never done before in your whole life, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that just because you would jump off a cliff for them, or you would walk a thousand miles for them, it does not mean they would do the same for you.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone who lets you get out of your comfort zone, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that just because they let you bring down your walls, let you leave your comfort zone, it does not mean they will leave theirs, or that they will not put up their walls and unguard them for you.

My love for you taught me that when you find someone worth taking chances, worth taking risks, and worth fighting for, you will do anything and everything to keep them in your life. But it also taught me that just because you are willing to swim across the ocean for them, it does not mean they would not let you drown.

The moment I decided to love you, I know it would never be easy. I know that I had to do anything and everything to fight for what I really feel. But the moment you decided not to love me back is also the moment you smashed my heart. I know I used to be resentful about what happened between us, though it still hurts from time to time, my love for you taught me that even though you’ve given all you’ve got to someone, there comes a time that reality will slap you like a bitch and you will finally realize that not all love needs to be reciprocated.

Love is love no matter what.  Love them while you can. Love them until you decide whether you still want to love them or not. Love them until you don’t want to love them anymore. If there is one thing I will never forget that I learned when I loved you is that you can love someone and give everything you can, if they don’t feel the same way, love them, anyway.