Author: Hales Danii

"I will be here when you wake up."

That phrase is what was said to me every night between the ages of 9 to about 16. 

"Goodnight, I love you, Sweet Dreams, I will see you in the morning." 

I never understood why we said the same words in the exact same tone, every single night before bed. 

A promise you made that I thought you would not ever break. 

But it turns out just like all rules, promises are broken. 

I have come to realize that we were close for a few reasons. 

As long as I was living under your roof, doing what you wanted me to do and being the person you wanted me to be… We were fine. 

But, as soon as I decided to leave your home, the city I had grown up in, and the state I thought I would never leave things changed. 

Suddenly you were colder and the words you spoke were harsh enough to chill me to the bone. It is one thing to disrespect me. After all, I was use to being disrespected. 

But, you took it too far. You chose to disrespect the man I married, the man I promised my life to, and the man who puts me above all else. 

So, I decided to cut you off. It was not even completely the fact of you disrespecting him. It was everything that came with the disrespect.

The arguments, knowing full well had I talked to your cheating wife the way you talked about my faithful husband, I would have been thrown aside and removed from your life. 

The family butting into our argument, knowing that they knew absolutely nothing of what was going on except the lies you told in order to stay above me. 

I should have known much sooner that I would eventually see the real you. The you that so many other people told me about. The you that I never believed existed for the simple fact that I was a daddy's girl.

Yet, even now, despite the hateful words, I miss you. 

I want you back into my life. 

But you will be the one regretting decisions and words you said when you see me pregnant, raising a family and being out of your reach. 

I will no longer let anyone have that kind of control over me. I will no longer beg anyone to stick around if it means I constantly have to be who they want me to be. 

I grew up, got a mind of my own, followed my heart and did everything you told me to do. 

Yet, it still was not good enough because I did not do it your way, within your means and in a way that kept our relationship unbreakable. 

I guess that is the funny thing about life. 

You truly find out the good, bad and ugly of everyone you thought you knew. 

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I never thought that I would be laying in bed beside you and feel so invisible. I never imagined we would be where we are right now. 

But, it seems life has a way of proving us wrong, and you had a way of proving me wrong. 

Our life was perfect, we were happy and every day we laid in bed to talk about the universe and our future. 

Somewhere between the laughs, the long nights together, the play fighting, cuddling together to watch movies it turned into something else. Something I never wanted to experience between us. 

You lost sight of me. The compliments ended. I was no longer your princess or beautiful. I was just an empty hello after you came home from working all day. 

What in the world happened? It was like the flip of a switch and you were gone; distant. 

For the longest time, I really tried to reach you. I spent hours upon hours trying to figure out what I did to deserve the distance I was now receiving. 

My world was crumbling and your silence was the only thing waiting for me when I got home. 

In the end, I guess I should have seen it coming. 

All of the signs were there. The distance, the silence we shared while in the same room for hours at a time, the quiet dinners where the only sound was our forks scraping our plates. 

Somewhere in the midst of a life I thought was nothing less than perfect it all just slipped through my fingers. 

My nights were no longer filled with the comfort of being wrapped in your arms. Instead, my tears welcomed me, which left me cold and shivering in the midnight hours. 

As the distance between us grew, so did my frustration.

You felt as though nothing was wrong. I could bring it up and you would mutter, "I’m not sure what you are talking about because nothing has changed." But, our entire life had changed.

In a matter of seconds, something in you fell out of love with everything about me…  

And as you lost sight of me, I began losing sight of us. 

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We all set expectations before we know how it will be before we move in with someone. I know that my expectations were far too high for certain things. 

1. You will wake up each morning in a good mood to be beside your love.

Truth is, they probably kicked you in their sleep all night and you wake up grumpy before your alarm clock goes off which makes you contemplate strangling them for suffocating them with their pillow.

2. Every Morning you will be able to cook breakfast together. 

As much as I wish this were true.. It just isn't. More times than not, you both wake up in a hurry and have to rush off to work with a short kiss and a soft goodbye as you head out of the door in the mornings. 

3. When you move in together, it will solve everything.

If you are arguing before you move in together, it may change for a couple weeks. But, once the fun stage is over, it will be back to countless arguments. 

4. Sleeping alone is scary

You get so use to feeling their body beside you, the bed shift under their weight throughout the night when they toss and turn. At first it bothers you, but eventually, you will not be able to sleep without it. 

5. You learn a lot about their financial habits

When you are dating, before you even really discuss money.. You tend to think that they are good at saving money. Just to move in with them and realize you are broke because you enjoy eating out together, or you dont realize just how many bills are due and how little money you have. (Guilty) 

6. Cleanliness may be a huge issue if you are a neat freak and your partner was raised in a barn. 

7. Men really do NOT put the seat down after they use the restroom. No, it is not a myth. 

8. You no longer have personal space.

You literally shower together, your partner will poop while you brush your teeth in the mornings and you will spend some nights wishing they would give you just a little more space without them smooshed against you. 

9. Men really can be sensitive and they do cry.

This may come as a shock to some, but men do cry. They do show their emotions even if it is only to you. You get rid of the stigma that you were taught because they are proving everything you thought to know wrong. 

10. You learn to never expect.

Before you move in you have so many expectations and it causes you to not have any once you move in together. 

11. Moving in together means a sleepover every night with your best friend. 

12. Sex. Oh My Goodness. Lots of sex!

12. They do not understand the concept of a laundry basket

13.  Maybe he does not care for your cooking, but he still eats it because he does not want to hurt your feelings. 

14. You find out they might freeze you out when they are sleeping but you love them anyway. 

15. Sleep schedules may be completely different due to working but you ALWAYS find time for one another.

16. You no longer just Love one another. You now depend on one another. 

17. Sometimes you will have stupid arguments over little things, but it is always fixed. 

18. Pet Peeves. Did not think you had them before you moved in with your partner? Oh, they will definitely prove you wrong!

19. Your nerves? They are going to get on every single one last of them. 

20. Video games become the best way to spend time together because it is something you both enjoy. 

21. Showering together is actually a LOT more difficult than you could have ever imagined!

22. You have more inside jokes than you could have ever imagined you would have!

23. Their shows have become your shows and it will cause playful arguments when you watch the show without them. 

I did not know the signs of mental abuse, sure the name calling and hateful arguments were just a norm for us. I thought I was deeply in love and would have given this man absolutely anything.

We spent more days mad at one another, and more nights sleeping with our backs to one another than we did anything. But, I did not want to give up on him. I did not know that he would be my downfall or that he would completely destroy me.

I did know however that I would do anything to change myself for a man who was not capable of changing for me. When I found out that he cheated on me, I knew it was time to give up and move on with my life.  But, I just couldn’t get myself to do it. How could I, after I had invested so much time and energy on a man who I thought I could change? 

I went back to him after listening to his lies and words that I knew could never be true. But soon after, things went back to how they were before. Name calling, fights, nights ignoring one another and endless nights of me being left crying in bed.  

Things also escalated and he started using sex to control me. I thought sex was the only way to fix it. I thought sex was all it would take and maybe things would be better. So, I never objected, even if I was not in the mood. 

But there were times when I was very vocal about not being in the mood, or being upset and not wanting to have him touching me at all. But, I "Had" to. It was his right as my significant other. He had a right to my body just as I had every right to leave. Right? 

So, why did I stay? Fear? Comfort? Feeling as though this is what I deserved? 

Who knows. I felt violated for sure, all the violence, tears, telling him to stop and gasping through saying the word ‘no’. According to him, he wasn’t doing anything wrong because we were in a relationship and I was his. I was too mentally weak to know better but now know that he had raped me and that I did not deserve it. 

He said I did. Others said I did. The media said I did. Why do men get away with scarring women for life, taking away their dignity, their pride, their hope, and their being for just a few minutes of control? 

You are worth it. You can get through it. You may feel so alone right now and like no one could possibly understand what you are going through, but I swear there is always someone there for you if you need to talk.  

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When I moved in with you, I had no idea of what life would throw at us. I knew that there would be many trials and tribulations, that was a given. But, I had no idea that we would be put through as many tests as we have been. 

Yet, through all of the downs you have helped me keep our relationship strong and as wonderful as day one. Except now we love a little deeper, talk a little sweeter and laugh a little louder. We have been able to get through what others may have went separate ways over. 

Our love can weather any storm, move any mountain and overcome any obstacle. 

A year ago, I knew what I wanted and how I planned to get it. I just did not know that you felt as strongly as I did. I had no idea that you would find any and every reason to stay and fight. But, I am so thankful that you did and continue to. 

Without you, there would be so many things missing from my life. So many things that seem so little but when you put them together, they become my essence, my reason for living. 

You could walk out the door right now, and I would not have any doubt that you would be back because we always find our way back to one another. 

Life is scary, it is gruesome and it can easily be the most annoying thing in the world. But with you by my side, it has become amazing, joyful and most of all worth living.

I did not know why the universe brought us together, but something with more power than you nor I knew I needed you. 

We will continue making it through, just as we always have. Even when times are a little tough and the world seems a little more hateful.

It’s been awhile since it happened, but truth be told the assault that shook me to my core is still fresh in my mind. 

Sometimes I still break down during sex. I always promise that it’s purely physical and not emotional trauma. Oh, the lies I’ve told. 

But, I guess one thing is true. 

It happened; I was raped. Sometimes remembering still destroys me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let it defeat me. 

Being assaulted turned my day-to-day life into a war between my heart and my head. A war that is finally being won now that I’m able to talk about it, even if only a little bit.

During the depths of your abuse, I never even dreamed that I’d be where I am now: with the guy of my dreams and happier than I’ve ever been. 

It was a long and painful journey, one where I had to let go of so much hurt and anger before I was able to move forward. 

After a while, I guess you can say that I learned how to cope. But, thankfully, I didn’t have to face the devastation you left alone. 

When I can barely hold myself together, the guy I love is there to pick up my pieces and put me back together. He’s helped me become stronger than I thought I could ever be.

You hurt me, you left permanent scars that I’ll take to my grave, but you did not – and could never – destroy me.

You put me through hell, but I fought my way out and I’m thriving now; there’s not a single thing you could do to hurt me again.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "It is a two way street"?

This was a phrase used to me often when I had to call my mom at any time after she never called me. This is also the phrase now I use for the same person who never contacts me. 

This person taught me that it IS indeed a two way street and well, that two way street has been a one way street for far too long. 

Stop trying to mend relationships and I am positive that you will not hear from people ever again. Instead, they will post about other peoples' accomplishments, completely forgetting the fact that they have other people they should be proud of.

Yet, your phone is constantly dry. 

You see their posts, you want to reach out but instead it builds up inside you. You start wondering why in the world some people are more important than others. In all honesty, it makes no sense at all.

Why should you constantly make an effort in order to be close to someone and have that relationship, when effort is never given back in return?

Have you ever just been completely sick of seeing some things people post, so you think about blocking them completely? Not just from social media but also your life. 

That has been how I have felt on so many occasions the last few years.

There comes a time when it is no longer your responsibility to try and make amends when you are not getting anywhere from it. 

You cant text and call constantly, but it never gets you anywhere.

You can check in, tell them you are okay, and it never gets you anywhere. 

You can try texting them daily, scared to stop because you know that if you stop trying, you will never hear from them again. 

It is time for you to let go, do you and do you so good that they wish they were still in your life. 

They will regret not being around during your accomplishments. They always do. That is why they will always come back after you no longer want or need them around.