Author: Hannah

I know, I know. Who wants to ~*voluntarily*~ wake up at the crack of dawn?

Growing up, I always had to be awake by 6 am, or 6:30 at the latest, to get to school on time. I couldn’t wait for the day I’d be able to sleep in a little bit, but that didn’t really happen.

Fall quarter of my junior year in college, I had some friends who worked out 5 days a week at 6 am. They were dedicated to going, so I tagged along one morning.

I didn’t realize that that was going to be the change I needed in my life either. I got into the routine of going to the gym at 6 am Monday through Friday. It wasn’t easy in the slightest, but the way I felt throughout the day made it worth it.

Here are a few reasons why a morning workout is exactly what you need:

For the most part, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself. 

I know that sounds cliche, but as someone who likes to get things done right away, starting your day with a workout sets your mood. I usually do 30 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of abs (though sometimes I’ll switch it up and do cardio and weights) and I come home feeling like I accomplished something when it’s barely 7 am. It’s a nice little boost.

You’ll feel accomplished.

This one is really true. Think about it – it’s barely 7 am and you’ve already been up for a little over an hour and worked out. Your energy is up and you feel good. You can go home and have some breakfast, make your bed and get ready for the day. Even if you don’t do anything else during the day, you still accomplished something (aka getting a workout in which is SELF-CARE!)

You’ll eat healthier.

I know, I know. It’s not easy to eat healthy. I’ve had a bad relationship with food since I was 11 years old, and ten years later I still struggle with it. But working out in the morning helps me make better food choices throughout the day. I don’t count calories anymore, but I’m able to maintain my energy and feel like I just worked out by choosing healthier foods. (But I still treat myself to a frappucino or burger daily ;))

Lessens the feelings of anxiety and/or depression (even if it’s just a short time)

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was little. Like anyone, I have my good days and bad days, and my bad days seem to get worse as I get older. I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed, but during that one hour I spend at the gym, I have a goal in mind and it keeps my mind occupied with something other than worry and emptiness. In fact, it’s scientifically proven that working out helps alleviate these feelings. Even if you simply go outside and walk around the block, the fresh air will help clear your mind for a short time.

Which brings me to my last point…

You’re practicing self love and self care.

Working out doesn’t only mean running a marathon on a treadmill and lifting heavy weights. Going for a walk is exercise too. Any time you take a few moments to work out, you’re practicing self love and self care. Don’t be destructive and use it as a form of punishment either.

You don’t even really need to go to the gym right when it opens, but if you feel self-conscious, it might be your best bet. There’s not tons of people around, and if you go to a regular gym, you’ll more than likely be amongst an older (elderly) crowd trying to stay limber. That’s all the inspo one should need.

Pro Tip: Make peanut butter and banana overnight oats the night before to have after your workout. That alone gives me the motivation to go to the gym because I look forward to eating it after. It is so so so so satisfying.

I know I’ve uttered that sentiment many times before in some way or another, but this time I’m serious.

I. Am. Done.

I’m done laying in bed at night trying to figure out what I said or did to make you want to ghost me.

I’m done hesitating to text you or snap chat you because I don’t want to be annoying.

I’m done wondering whether or not I’ll ever be good enough for you, or if I’m actually the one that’s too good for you.

I don’t want to be walked over anymore. I’m tired of reaching out to you when you’ve been MIA to make sure you’re okay, and not even getting a “thank you” in return…

Especially not when you reply to that weeks later and you want to have a conversation that’s going to lead to sexting at some point.

Deep in my heart I know you’re no good for me, but I so wanted to believe that you had a good heart. And maybe you do, but your ex-girlfriend screwed that up.

Or maybe you really are just an asshole looking to put as many notches in your bedpost that you can.

I tried so hard to get you to think that I’m girlfriend material and you could have whatever you wanted with me, but I can’t change your mentality.

I’m sure you have a good heart somewhere in your body. But I’m done searching for it because I refuse to go to sleep at night any longer wondering why it’s not me.

So, for the last time, I’m done. Don’t hit me up when you’re lonely and don’t hit me up when you finally “have time” to see me.

Because I’m not going to be there waiting for you any longer.

Who do you think you are? Honestly. What kind of “man” gets mad at their girlfriend for wanting to spend time with them? What kind of “man” throws out the “I can get whatever girl I want” card when they get annoyed with their girlfriend?

You’re pathetic. And you’re bringing my best friend down more than you will ever know.

All those claims of her being insecure, clingy, even ugly? You’re so disgusting and I haven’t even met you. 

Her insecurities? Those are showing more each time you say “you need to work out more” or “why can’t you be more like so and so”. 

Her clinginess? That’s stemming from wanting to save a relationship that you claim you want, but don’t prove it.

For a couple that has been together for 5 years, you sure know how to make her feel loved. I get calls in the middle of the night with her crying trying to figure out what she did wrong to make you react the way you do. And, quite frankly, it seems like you overreact to even the smallest situations.

She used to be such a strong person that would stand up for herself. Now, she’s 2600 miles away from me and I can’t protect her like I used to. She fears standing up to you in fear of you blowing a gasket and verbally abusing her more than you already have.

My best friend cowers now. She shies away from confrontation because she fears the worst will happen. You know what that makes me think? That you’re abusing her more than just verbally and emotionally.

When her brother died, you were barely there for her. You told her she was 'being annoying' and she 'just needed to get over it.' 

The fuck? 

Her brother was in another country and died suddenly without warning, and you’re telling her she just needs to get over it? Boy, you’re lucky I’m on the opposite side of this country.

I hope you know just how much you’ve destroyed her confidence and self-worth. You’ve made her feel like nothing more than dirt on the bottom of your shoe. 

And the few times she’s confronted you about the way you treat her you claim you love her and you overreacted and it won’t happen again. 

Then it does.

You’re nothing but a manipulative piece of shit that destroyed my best friend to the point she fears if she doesn’t stay with you, she’ll never find someone else. 

When in reality, she deserves and could find someone so much better than you will ever be.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a spoiled brat or “daddy’s princess”, I’d be so rich.

Do I have a lot? Yes, I do. Did my parents pay for all of it? A lot, yes, but also no.

Was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth and never had to work a day in my life for anything? Depending on who’s reading this, some might say yes and others would say no.

Here’s the thing, just because I have a lot of expensive and material items doesn’t mean I’m shallow or don’t know what hardwork is.

Here are my confessions from a girl who people think has it all:

1. I didn’t always have it easy. As with anyone, my parents fought all the time growing up, but not everyone discovered their dad cheating on their mom at 6 years old…with their best friends’ mom. Not that I knew what cheating was at that age, but it still stuck with me throughout my childhood.
2. My parents sacrificed a lot. While my parents struggled emotionally and financially while I was growing up, they made sure my brother and I would have an adequate private school education so we could get into a great college and make a living. There were nights my parents would skip dinner so my brother and I could eat. They worked long ass hours to provide for us.
3. My parents made me work. When I turned 16, my parents didn’t necessarily cut me off. In fact, it was far from that. They told me if I wanted new clothes or shoes or the hottest purse of the moment, I would have to get a job. So I did.
4. I was bullied. A lot. Yeah, yeah, here’s the cliche I was bullied story. But guess what? Bullying leaves a lasting impression on you. I was bullied for my weight, I was bullied for being a lesbian because I played softball instead of dance (I’m not even a lesbian. And there’s nothing wrong with being one either). Among other things…if you’ve been there, you know it sucks.
5. I’m almost 21 and have worked since I was 16. That new laptop I have? I paid for it. The new and (kinda) expensive outfits? I saved for that for months. The new iPhone? Monthly payments. Paying for college? I’ve got $150k+ in loans that this lucky girl gets to pay back when she graduates. 
6. I suffer emotionally. No one knows what is happening behind my apparently “spoiled” social media posts. Nobody knows, unless you’re my best friend, that I suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Nobody knows that I’m questioning my self worth almost every night as I’m trying to fall asleep. Nobody knows that I’ve been going to therapy once a week for the last year and a half.
7. Material items don’t make things better. While shopping and spending money might temporarily fill the void I feel (I have a bad habit of shopping when I’m depressed), it doesn’t make life better. Because at the end of the day, all I have is a bunch of expensive shit that doesn’t mean anything. 

I have love from my parents, but I don’t have many friends. I don’t have a boyfriend that I get to come home to and hear how much he loves me. The saying “the best things in life are free” is so beyond true.

My parents worked their asses off to provide my brother and I what they could. As we grew up, my dad started working side jobs to pay for the extras for our family. He’s actively sought out promotions at his job to earn more money. Now? My family lives comfortably. The things I couldn’t do when I was little because my parents struggled to put food on the table for everyone, we are doing now.

And I shouldn’t have to feel bad for posting about my life. My parents taught me that hardwork will get you far in life, but money can’t buy happiness. And it’s so true. So, please, before you say I’m a spoiled bitch, get to know me before you judge me. I’m not judging you, so please don’t judge me.

Oh, one last thing: TJ Maxx, Nordstrom Rack, Saks Off 5th, and BlueFly. Y’all better believe I’m a bargain shopper.

I have yet to figure out why I’m so stuck on you.

You’ve done literally nothing for me, except make me feel good when I was down, then bring me down when I was up.

Maybe it’s because I see the nice guy behind your cocky ego. Or maybe it’s because I was the only one there for you in your darkest times.

I still wonder why I was the one you called when you nearly overdosed on Xanax, when you had plenty of friends nearby to call and I was 900 miles away at school.

Why was I the one you called because you felt so alone and helpless?

Then a week later, I’m ignored because you’re back “on” with your girlfriend.

Maybe I can’t shake you because somewhere deep down inside me, I hope that one day I’ll be more than just some girl you hit up when you’re “off” with your girlfriend.

I hope one day you know how terrible it feels to feel like you’re wanted by someone, then a few days later dropped and ignored as if you meant nothing to them. Like how I feel with you.

I wish I could let you go and not settle. But there’s something about you that keeps pulling me in and keeping me there. No matter how hard I try.

We all lose people. They come in and out of our lives constantly. 

Most of the time, those people who come and go are just a second thought and it doesn’t bother us. 

We simply grew apart or weren’t in the same classes day after day. 

It wasn’t a real friendship, to begin with.

But there are some people who, when they leave, make us feel like we lost a piece of ourselves.

It’s like grieving the death of someone, yet they are still alive.

But you can’t call them, or text them, or talk to them. Because they don’t want anything to do with you.

See? It’s almost as if they’re dead.

Sometimes there’s a reason and sometimes there isn’t. That’s what hurts the most.

When people cut you off for no reason at all, it’s like you lost your security blanket. 

Someone who knows all your secrets, your strengths and weaknesses, your insecurities and goals in life. 

You trusted them, they trusted you, then they’re gone.

All of sudden, you feel like you can’t breathe because the person you once told everything to no longer has a place for you in their life.

And guess what? You don’t need that person.

You think you do, but you’ll soon realize that you’re a lot stronger without them. 

It might take a few weeks, months, or even years, but you’ll see that they were nothing but a life lesson. 

Everyone is temporary, except those who truly care.

So cry. Cry to your heart’s content. 

Rant and scream that life isn’t fair and that people break your trust like it’s going out of style. 

After that, pick yourself up and wipe your tears because you’re giving them the benefit of knowing they hurt you.

I know, I know. It’s hard to believe that someone who knew all this stuff about you didn’t care about you. 

In fact, they probably did at some point, and maybe still do, but they care about something else more now.

So one day when you’re finally over it and you’re truly, genuinely happy with life and those you’ve surrounded yourself with, that person is going to see that they lost a great person. 

They’ll regret letting you go and treating you like nothing but dirt on the bottom of their shoe.

Then they’ll be the one grieving the loss of someone who is still alive.

You know who you are.

You knew what you were doing.

You were my best friend, but not anymore.

The long nights full of texting and snapchatting. Teasing each other on social media and tagging each other in tweets making fun of each other’s bad habits and home states.

It was all so friendly and I never imagined myself having feelings for you. Until our friends started asking us questions. And making comments about how into each other we looked.

And those nights we spent together. Oh, those nights.

They were just hookups, to me, at first. Then, I figured why not open up a little more to you if there’s the chance that you had feelings for me.

And it happened. I fell for you. Slowly, and then all at once. And you knew it when it happened.

Because the texts stopped. The snapchats stopped. We stopped hanging out.

I knew something was up and I gave you so many chances to tell me where I stood with you and you said everything was fine and nothing had changed. But the truth was, something did change.

You got what you wanted. I gave myself to you and I fell for you hard and fast because I thought you would be there to catch me, but I couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

I must applaud you though. Your “nice guy??? facade was brilliant. You deserve a fucking Oscar for that performance. You had me fooled, you had our friends fooled. You had everyone fooled. Except the only person it hurt the most was the person who cared about you the most…me.

So, fuck you. Fuck you for allowing me to fall for you and allowing me to give you my all when you just wanted a fucking game to play.

The last thing I want is to give you the satisfaction that you hurt me, but no matter how much I try to hide it, I know you’ll see it in my eyes. Behind the fake smiles.

You led me on and took advantage of my caring nature. So, once again, fuck you for leading me on. I hope you don’t play your new girlfriend, also my ex friend, like you did me.

College is a funny thing. You see all the movies and hear everybody talking about how it’s the best 4 years of your life.

The parties. The adventures. The experiences.

But they don’t tell you about the dark side – the depression, anxiety, stress, heartbreak.

Not to diminish the fun, though. I’ve been to a handful of parties where I underestimated just how fun it would be. I’ve jumped in the car with friends and explored the Cascade Mountains, not knowing where we were going. The atmosphere  of the student section at college football game is indescribable. I know for a fact that nothing will ever compare.

I’ve made a lot of great memories that I’ll remember forever. On the flip side, though, I have a lot of bad ones too, and I know I’m not the only one.

I chose to go away to college because I wanted to be on my own. I was so dependent on my parents and I wanted to be able to truly make decisions on my own. I didn’t know just how much of a toll that would take on me either.

The depression hit January of my freshman year.

The thrill of our football team going nearly undefeated in the fall was incredible. The newness of being in college and on my own was fresh. Then, football season was over. Academics were really taking a front seat. And the rain. The constant flow of rain, nonstop, everyday, for weeks…that really takes a toll on someone from sunny southern California.

Then I woke up to a feeling that I hadn’t felt since I was in middle school. Alone. Yes, I had plenty of friends around of me, but I felt empty. I felt numb. I didn’t want to go to class, but rather lay in bed all day.

And then the anxiety kicked in. The constant worry of something happening to me.

Now, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do my schoolwork. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I couldn’t feel. I was alone.

The stress of schoolwork and keeping your grades up is interesting in college. You don’t start off the semester with an A in every class. You start with a 0. If you start strong, you’re more than likely to finish strong.

But it took me a year to realize that. It took me getting put on academic probation (in the midst of the depression and anxiety) for the stress to kick me into high gear and making me sicker than I’ve ever been.

Then there’s heartbreak.  

In the midst of what is dubbed “the time of your life???, you give your all to someone just to have them rip it out from underneath you and leave you confused and hurt.

Every time you think you’re over it, you see that person and realize you’re not. This doesn’t even have to be an ex boyfriend or girlfriend; it could be an ex best friend. And that makes it all the worse.

But in the end, as I’m still recovering and relapsing with some of these issues, no matter what, these things are inevitable.

This is the real world. The hurt, the depression, the anxiety. These things are always going to be there. Everyone experiences it in different ways.Your parents that you (maybe) depended on won’t always be there.

But also, the fun, the adventures and excitement will be there.

The craving for good times to overpower the bad.

Life is full of up and downs and I swear, I’ve had more of a rollercoaster life in the last 2 and a half years than in my 18 years before college.

It’s up to you to decide how you want to spend your life. Don’t spend too much time dwelling on the negative because one day you’re going to look back and realize that life passed you by.

No one enjoys losing friends. It’s sad and disappointing when you lose someone you thought would be around to share memories with forever.

But here’s the thing, you’re not growing up if you’re not losing friends.

It sounds stupid, I know. Some people are friends with each other from the time they start kindergarten and die together. That’s entirely possible, but think of how many people have come and gone in your life?

Friends are no different.

Everyone grows up. You and your friends might be inseparable and have so much in common for years, then you go off to college or get real jobs and you no longer have those same similarities.

I just broke up with my best friend of 9 years last year. And it still hurts all the same a year later. I still find myself wanting to text her about something that happened because I could totally use her advice.

But we’re on different pages in life. I’m taking college seriously, eagerly wanting to start my career, and I’m interning and volunteering every time I turn around. I’ve been told I’ve matured far beyond my years. And she, well, hasn’t. She parties, struggles with school, and is, and I quote, “Looking for a rich husband”.

This is why you’re not growing up if you don’t lose friends.

I thought we would be friends forever. All it took was two years of college, though, to realize we wouldn’t be. And that’s OK.

Some people come into your life for a short time to show you what life is supposed to be like. The fun times, the bad times, and the ugly. Friends are supposed to teach you what kind of qualities you want in people that you will surround yourself with in the future.

No one wants to lose friends, that goes without saying, but can you imagine a life where you’re only friends are ones that you’ve been with from the time you were 5 to 80 years old? I’d like to say I can, but when are you going to meet people that are so different from you, yet so alike at the same time?

So, don’t be too sad over losing friends. You’re not growing up if you don’t lose one or two along the way. People will come and go, but no one has the same clique their whole life.