Author: Jeanine

I loved you, and to this day you are the only person I have ever loved. Because of that, I had to leave you behind.

We are raised in a world where we are told to believe that “love can conquer all,” but unfortunately I disagree.

I always struggled to let you in and managed to push you away countless times when we were in the same town. I knew it would only get worse.

I was toxic in our relationship, and I take full responsibility, and honestly, I got tired of bringing you down.

You know when I first knew I loved you, I was having the worst day but I ran into you and you had a big bright sparkling smile on your face. This sent a radiating positive feeling through me and gave me hope that I would be okay.

However, it was that same sparkle that sent me to the darkest of places. I felt so unworthy of love, and as we continued to get close I continued to sink into darkness further and further.

As I got more comfortable with you, I began to want to push you away. I knew just what to do and what to say to push you away. I also knew, how to suck you right back in.

We did this for too long, until one day when we weren’t on speaking terms, I realized your smile was a little duller. This is what got me because I knew I was to blame. 

I knew I was the reason you were a little less hopeful, and that I was the reason your smile was not as bright and I hated myself for it.

So that day, I vowed to let you go.

Don’t get me wrong, I'm not perfect, many times I contemplated starting things back up, and I would reach out to you, and you were so receptive to me until you moved on.

You began showing interest in someone else, and I saw you smile at her like you once did with me and it killed me. I want to be happy for you because ultimately that is what I wanted for you. Years ago, when I vowed to let you go, I did so in the hopes that you would regain your sparkle.

I loved you, I loved you more than I loved myself. I valued your happiness more than my own because yours seemed way more obtainable than mine.

So even though I may seem bitter, and I might still drunkenly get caught up on you, I want you to know that it isn’t because I am holding a grudge, or because I want us to be back together.

Your happiness is more so a reminder of the guy I used to know, the guy I felt like I had to let go of.

I made a sacrifice I was never asked to make, and though you may never understand, it felt like the right thing to do.

I hope you’re happy, and I hope you’re bright eyed and that you never lose your sparkle.

You will truly always hold a very special place in my heart, and I am sure that a part of me will always love you.

You’re someone I go to when I feel down, you hear my endless rants, my pity parties, my complaints, and you put up with all my whining. Normally it’s all a facade. You see, I’ve gotten really good at being very expressive about things so that people think I’m being open. That way, they don’t try to dig deeper.

It’s different with you though. 

In the midst of all of our little talks that might seem so insignificant to you, I sneak in some things about myself that I don’t really share with anyone. I wonder if you pick up on it.

I don’t open up to people. You though? I can confide in you, and because of that, I truly value our friendship.

Thank you for being there through my ups and downs. You’ve unknowingly helped me through some of the toughest moments of my life.

Thank you for genuinely caring about me, and for not dismissing my openness as just rants or complaints.

You make me feel so incredibly cared for. You make me feel like I’m important to you. You always make sure I know that I’m worthy of such a fulfilling friendship.

When I say I don’t know what I would do without you, I hope you know how much I really mean it. With many friends, I’m very reserved and careful with what I share, but with you, I feel at ease. You’ve helped me finally accept myself enough to finally feel confident enough to embrace my flaws.

Your friendship is one of a kind, and you have no idea how much I treasure it. I always will.

Sometimes it's easier if we go through life with a poker face, trying to stay strong, without allowing people to see how everything around you is really affecting you.

In the moment that might be the easiest option, but in the long run, that'll really take a toll on your emotional state.

But not only that but also how you create relationships with the people around you. Your inner demons start to eat away at how you look at life and color the world differently. 

You start to not feel like yourself, and you know you're not acting like yourself, and when people don't ask you what's the matter it annoys you. 

How these people can claim to know you when you don’t even tell them half of the things going on with you?

The resentment starts to build up wondering why no one cares enough to dig deeper. You are creating a disconnect with those around you and it's only making yourself feel worse. 

And on those really bad days, you begin to wonder if some people are even worth it to keep around if you can't even express to them how you feel inside.

But if you did tell them what's going on in your head, you fear that they'll realize you are not enough. That you're the one who's not worth it. 

You know that people want to have an emotional bond with you, and you want that too, but it feels impossible to build. So the fear of them leaving when they don't get what they want sets in and the impossible becomes beyond impossible.

You start to feel like a stranger, even amongst your closest friends.

Every time you have to hold back the tears it's like you're losing yourself a little bit more but you continue to pretend everything is okay… until you just break. 

Bottling your emotions is very difficult, and it can make even the strongest person snap.

As someone who lives day-to-day hiding how she feels, I can assure you that you are not alone. 

I can admit my fear of vulnerability and weakness prevents me from opening up, even when I really want to. 

It is exhausting to live like this day to day but luckily I have found a couple people here and there that I am beginning to open up to. It is very difficult and sometimes they feel like failed attempts, but the successful ones make it worth it. 

Believe me, you are not alone and you should never feel alone. Ultimately if someone makes you feel alone, they might not be worth the time or the effort. 

At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you, and your well-being.

Have you ever tried talking to someone about your anxiety and been really put off? Because I have. Recently in the middle of a mild panic attack, I reached out to a friend who told me I needed to take a chill pill, and just relax. Like I was supposed to be cured magically, like I wouldn’t have done that if I was able to. Here is what I wish I had said:

• I’m sorry, I had not thought of calming down at all, I figured I’d just continue to feel out of breath, and sweaty and with my heart pounding just for the heck of it because why the hell not?
• Wow, thank you. I could not have calmed down without you. I don’t need you to validate my emotions and acknowledge that this is out of my control, and that I wish I could stop it. All better now.
• A chill pill? Where is said chill pill? Is it going to make me instantly calm down, because then I want it, because trust me, I WANT TO CHILL.
• How about I punch you in the chest and then ask you to just chill? Because right now I feel like someone punched me in the chest so hard, because I cannot breathe, it hurts, and my heart is racing.
• You were absolutely no help, in fact you are making it worse by making me feel even more helpless, and stupid for reaching out to you.

If you know someone who suffers from anxiety, please please do not ever underestimate his or her emotions/reactions. Though they may seem to be “overreacting” to trivial things, to us it is honestly a big deal. Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything because just listening is great help.

Dear _________,

I want to get straight to the point with you, and I am sorry this may not make sense but feelings are weird like that you know? I care for you a lot. 

When I am with you I feel safe, secure and accepted. I feel right at home, and even though these are all good things they freak me out.  

I often feel like people don’t really know me, I am very meticulous with what I say, and with how much of myself I give to others because I don’t want them to see how much I struggle. 

My insecurities, my fears, and my past experiences are a huge part of who I am and even though I am beginning to face them, I am not ready for others to see them. 

Therefore, the closer we get and the more you begin to know me and the more you begin to understand who I am, the more and more I freak out.  

I wish I could make sense of it, but I cannot and I am sorry.  All I know is that being close to someone, letting someone in, vulnerability freaks me out. 

I am not ready for this at this point in my life. I cannot let somebody in. 

I feel unworthy of the love and acceptance you have to offer. 

I will not let you in to help me, so don’t feel like you can save me. 

I will push you away, and I will hurt you and me in the process. 

Please understand, that though I know I could love you, I cannot do so now.  I have made this mistake before, and the guilt still haunts me. I cannot make the same mistake again. 

I am not asking you to wait for the right time because I do not know when that will be, but do know that I am working on myself. 

It is a long and slow process, but I am hopeful that one day I will be better.

With much love,

___________________________________

Dear ____________________,

We have known each other for quite some time now. Whether you knew it or not, you were by my side during some of the toughest moments of my life. You were my first love, and that makes you hard to let go. You were not only my first love you were also my first true best friend, this makes letting go that much harder. Though it may not have seemed like much, I trusted you and let you in more than I have with anybody else. I truly believe that the time was not right for us, and at this point I now know it never will be. When we first met, I was young and afraid.  Vulnerability seemed like a weakness to me, still does sometimes, but that is why it took so long to let you in. When I did, and when it hit me that you knew you me so well, that you could understand me without me having to explain myself, that honestly freaked me out. I was not ready for that at that point in my life. I cared about you, I loved you, but at that point I made a decision for me, for my own sanity. And even though I could not explain it and couldn’t make sense of it, I knew I had to let you go.

With that being said I need you to know that I in no way intend to try to get back with you, and that even though I still and may always love you, that I have no intent to pursue anything else with you. But I also need you to know that seeing you with others is hard for me, so if I act crazy or seem like I am not over you, it is because seeing you happy with someone else reminds me of how it used to be me who put a smile on your face. Things didn’t end well between us, and I hurt you in ways that I deeply deeply regret. But I am paying for that now, because I too am hurting.  Sometimes it feels like maybe I didn’t impact you as much as you impacted me, like you were able to let go of me so effortlessly. That hurts, it really does. Also, when we talk you seem to be completely disconnected, I try to explain where I am coming from and your response always makes it seem like you are breaking up with me, like I did with you once. This may not make any sense, but even though I am hurting, even though I love and miss you I swear I am not trying to get back with you. I don’t need you to tell me you’re sorry it didn’t work out, I need you tell me how you felt post break up, when we stopped talking. I need to know what I once meant, so I know you cared, so that I can feel like I am not alone in this.

7 years was a long time, sorry I still care too much. But I probably never will stop.  No matter where life takes us, I will always care for you. Even if I never see you again.  I hope you find your happiness, I hope you live a long, fulfilling life.  If you ever need anything, you can always count on me.

Love you always,

___________________________

I wake up in the morning; peek out from under my comforter to check if the coast is clear. I slowly get up; everything seems to be going fine. I get up go into the shower and begin to get ready for the day. I can feel it lingering, and I feel helpless because I cannot stop it. I pretend not to notice it, and instead continue about my day. Its presence is weighing heavier and heavier, slowly dragging me down. I drag myself through the day, until I get home again. I crawl into my bed, turn off all the lights and hide under my covers; I think I am safe here. That is until the quiet settles in, and my mind goes off. It’s present 24/7. There is no avoiding, no hiding from it, no ignoring it. It is always there. Haunting me, as soon as I wake up, all throughout the day and as I try to fall asleep. I think to myself, “ what did I do to deserve this? Why won’t it leave me alone? I just want some peace and quiet”. My anxiety doesn’t take a day off. It leads me to overthink everything, and imagine the worst. It is a heavy burden I secretly carry with me that weighs me down. This is unlike any other monster because there is no getting rid of it. I have learned to live with it.

Waking up feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Maybe you overslept because it took you hours to fall asleep the night before, and now you have to run to get to where you need to be.

Scurrying to class thinking how you could be stupid enough to wake up so late.

Sitting through long lectures trying to force your mind to focus instead of getting lost in thought.

Seeing friends and pretending like it is all fine, because you don’t want to even bother to explain what is wrong when you don’t fully understand it yourself.

Helping friends through a rough time, sitting, listening and giving advice. You have it all together it seems like.

 Heading to work, knowing you’ll continue to feel trapped in a façade you can’t escape. Listening to your boss complain about her day, and being there for her.

Going home, eating dinner, interacting with your roommates like everything is okay.

Complaining about the awful day you had but saying all the wrong reasons you had it.

–“ I overslept???—(without saying why)

–“ I hate my job???—(without saying you feel trapped)

–“Class was so boring—(without saying you couldn’t really focus because your brain wouldn’t shut up)

Forcing yourself to do hw, even though retaining information feels impossible when you have so much going on in your head.

Laying down for bed proudly at a descent time, only to spend hours overthinking everything and drowning in the emotions you pretended not have all day. Worrying that this is what your life will be life forever. 

Eventually falling asleep, to do it all over again the next day.

Some days you may come off as collective, cool, thoughtful and maybe even put together.

Other days, you seem distracted, tired, worried and you may come off as uninterested.

You constantly worry about how others perceive you, and worry that you are misunderstood.

This worry adds on to the many racing thoughts that already haunt your mind.

You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and you feel like nobody knows.

Your mind is overloaded with thoughts that you cannot even begin to explain.

It has gotten to the point where you can’t sleep, do work, listen to music, and partake in daily activities.

You are constantly lost in your own thoughts.

You are constantly worrying about everyone and everything.

You worry about you worrying.

It feels like you are slowly going insane.

How do I know this? Because this is exactly how I feel everyday.

Unfortunately I cannot offer encouraging words, and I cannot tell you that it will be okay. Truthfully, I don’t know if it will, I am still trying to figure that out for myself.  However, what I can tell you is that you are not alone, and you should never feel alone.

Everyday feels like a fight. Everyday consists of an inner battle that is getting harder and harder. The negativity is getting stronger, and you are getting tired of fighting this secret battle.

• You are tired aren’t you? Not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally.  You feel this darkness looming over you, ready to take you down and you worry you cannot fight it off.
• You are scared; you are so scared that you may have no fight left in you. You are scared of the repercussions of giving up the fight.
• You worry that those around you will begin to notice; you’ve been fighting this battle secretly for so long that you wouldn’t know what to do if others noticed.
• You feel weak, and helpless. You feel like should be able to continue fighting, and you are disappointed in yourself for feeling like you no longer can.
• You want to give up; you are trying so hard to hold on. You KNOW you should hold, but deep down you just want to give up.

Even though it is hard, you have to find a reason to hold on and keep on fighting. Fight away the negativity, and do not succumb to darkness.  Do things you love, find yourself. Find what makes you happy, find a reason to keep on fighting. Don’t do it for your family and friends and for all the people that you love, do it for yourself.