Author: Jeanine

You do not have to keep it all in, nobody should have to carry such a heavy burden inside. Trust me, I know from experience.

I know what is like to try and hold your tears back in a dark room alone at night.

I know what it is like to feel so incredibly misunderstood.

I know what it is like to feel like you are constantly pretending to be someone you are not.

I know what it is like to not want to disappoint the people you love.

I also know it is exhausting. How? Because I am tired, I am tired of feeling mentally worn out.

It is getting harder, isn’t it?… Harder to keep everything in, and pretend like everything is fine.

It feels like you can’t breathe sometimes, doesn’t it?… You are slowly drowning yourself in darkness, rather than letting your emotions out.

It hurts, doesn’t it?… To the point where sometimes the overflow of emotions feels like a physical pain in your chest.

Why do you do this?… To protect others from you or to protect yourself from your own destruction?

I wish I knew how to break out of this toxic cycle, and I wish I could say the right thing but I can’t. 

All I can say is, you are not alone.

I find it very hard to express myself, and thus I have earned the title of sucking at emotions.  Often times, I am unable to express how things make me feel. This is very difficult because even though others may not be aware of how I feel, that doesn’t mean I do not feel. Actually, I feel things very deeply; I am just unable to communicate my feelings. However, people tend to judge me and make assumptions, and this too is painful.

• People think you’re cold.
  • People just assume you don’t really care about things, or that you are uninterested. People might even get angry with you because they feel like you don’t satisfy emotionally; they don’t realize that you do not do it purposefully. They do not realize how much it affects you.
• People always assume you are fine and they even compliment your strength.
  • Little do they know this compliment is agitating. It feels hypocritical to receive this compliment when you realize how messy your life is. You feel like your life is falling apart, and the fact that they are oblivious to this makes you feel like they do not care.
• Late at night, when you are going to sleep all your unexpressed emotions begin to weigh heavy on your heart.
  • You have gotten pretty good at keeping it all in, that is until you are alone with your thoughts. You begin to overthink everything and you begin to feel all the emotions you held in at once, this sometimes ends in uncontrollable crying.
•  Your emotions pour out at the most random times.
  • Though you may not have shed a tear during a sad time in your life, you may find yourself crying at a sad song or a movie. You cry excessively at these things because you have all these emotions bottled in, that when the waterworks start there is no holding back.
• You are drawn to sad quotes, books, movies, songs etc.
  • You hide your sadness so well you almost feel guilty for not feeling it. Thus you make sure to still make it a part of your daily life, whether it is by listening to a sad song or reading a sad quote.

As an experienced person at sucking at emotions, my only advice to you is to be aware. Be aware of issues bigger than you, be aware of what others are going through and be empathetic. Despite how it may seem everyone has something that pains him or her and no one really has it together some are just better at faking it.

Growing up, I was always told that in order to get good things you had to do good things. I grew up being told that life was fair and that in the end everyone got what they deserved. However, this idea was disproved to me at a very early age. My family faced a life-changing event when I was around twelve years old that changed my whole mindset; my father left my mother, my sisters and I. This event led to me to question my self worth and led to immense inner conflict. I was taught for so long that good things happened to good people and when this awful thing happened I began to wonder what I had done to deserve it. For many years I was torn, it led to long sleepless nights. Throughout my life more awful things continued to happen and it was years later that I finally concluded; life is not fair. 

• You get what you deserve—(no, you get what you get).
  • This is scary and depressing to some people, but it is cruel reality. There are many good people who have awful things happen to them, and there are bad people who have wonderful things happen to them.
• Life does not give you more than you can handle—(except when it does).
  • There are people who suffer traumatic events that lead them to depression and some even suicide. There are people who chose to end their life because they were given more than they could handle.
• Karma is a bitch—(except when it forgets to come and get you).
  • Sometimes people do bad things and get away with it.
• Time heals all wounds (except when you’re wounds are so deep they last a lifetime).
  • Sometimes something causes a wound so deep you never see it heal, instead you learn to live with it there.
• Pain is temporary—(yup, sometimes it only lasts a lifetime).
  • There are some things that may never stop causing you pain. The pain may lessen, but it may not go away. You can only hope to learn to live with it, without succumbing to it.

These ideas may seem depressing to some, but it does not have to be that way. Life is not fair, and you have no idea what is coming your way but that does not mean you can’t be happy. For me, it is easier this way; it is easier to accept this now than to be disappointed when something unfair happens. Life it is a crazy ride, filled with many ups and downs, but I assure you it is worth it.

Dear ______,

I write this to you today, because I believe you deserve an explanation. There are many things I wish I could have told you but never did. It wasn’t because of lack of trust, but it is because of the kind of person I am. I do not like feeling vulnerable around others because I feel like it gives them the opportunity to hurt me, which is part of the reason I never truly let you in, no matter  how much I wanted to,I just couldn’t. I care for you more than you’ll ever know, and I have cared for you for a very long time. I love the way you make me feel; you make me feel good about myself when most of the time my self-esteem is to the ground. You make me smile and most importantly you make me happy. When you say something nice or funny it can brighten up my whole day. I like you, I really do. However, despite all these things we cannot be together. I’m not sure you will understand why, maybe not even after this, because sometimes I don’t even understand myself. But I feel like I need to try and explain and it is such a soft topic that I cannot do it in person because I will most likely not be able to talk. I have told you before that I have a lot of growing up to do before we can be together and I honestly believe it is true. I have been hurt before and that is stopping me from getting close to anyone. And when I told you this, what I am about to tell you is probably not what you expected as the reason and you may not see the connection but it is real to me and it is something I cannot get past. My father abandoned my family and I out of the blue. After he left, we went many months without communicating with him, and several years later when we finally saw him again it was only to watch him slowly lose a battle against cancer. My father was someone I automatically trusted to be one of the people who would be by my side through thick and thin. Someone I loved and looked up to very much. Someone who had seen me at my most vulnerable times, and someone whom I expected to be there for me and when he left I was distraught. I was heartbroken that someone so close to me could just leave me and not care about the damage he was causing, to this day I have times when I feel like I need him. I needed him at different points in my life but he was not there. When he left I lost trust in people or that they would stick around. If my very own father can walk away why would anybody else stay? I fear getting close to people because I feel like I am just giving them the opportunity to hurt me. I did not have that choice with my dad; he was someone I automatically trusted and look where that got me. To this day 8 years later what he did that random November day still hurts me, like nothing else ever has. The way I see it I have a choice with everyone else around me, and that is why I choose not to get to close to anyone because when they walk away I will once again be heartbroken. But with you its been different, I’ve gotten so attached to you and that truly scares me, and I tell myself I cannot let it get any further and that I should distance myself from you but I can’t. In the process I am hurting us both. You may say that this is something I need to get past and that I have to let people in and maybe writing this is bringing me a step closer but trust me it is easier said than done. I wish I could change the way I am and not live in fear I wish I could let you in, but I cannot. It is definitely something I have to work on and I do not want to drag you along in the process. Because I will PUSH you away like I’ve done before. When we went out in high school, I felt it; I could feel the anxiety and fear of losing you build up, which is what caused me to ruin our relationship by distancing myself from you. I need to work on myself, and I have a lot to learn before I can ever start a relationship with anyone. But I feel like I had to try and explain this to you, so you wouldn’t give up on our friendship. Especially while in college because I don’t want you to feel like I don’t care about you because I do. I just need time, however I’m not asking you to wait for me, because we may not be right for each other and I know you deserve someone great, I just want us to remain friends for a very long time. I don’t want you to feel like you always cared more than I did, I have always cared more than I’d ever like to admit. So as I end today I do not expect you to understand how I feel or where I come from. I just want you to know that I really care for you and that you mean a lot to me. I want you to gain some insight into why things happened the way they did. I never meant to hurt you and  if I did, I am truly sorry. I loved and will continue to love you always. 

Love ______.

Note to the readers: I typed this letter several years ago and never sent it. Now I am filled with regret which is why I am publishing it. It is too late for me, but for you readers out there if you have something to say to someone just do it. Life is a crazy ride and you never know where it will take you, and the last thing you want is to be weighed down by regret.

You love him don’t you? You love him, yet you cannot bring yourself to let him in and it hurts. It hurts to see that you are losing him because of your inability to communicate your deepest fear, vulnerability. You cannot open up to him, and this is pushing him away. You love him, so you cannot let go, but you don’t have in you to give him what he needs in order to stay. 

Your life experiences have a huge impact on who you become, on your ideals, morals, and your overall outlook in life. Sometimes they shape these in a negative way. Sometimes they lead to fear, to isolation. These fears lead you to push away the people you love.

• You convinced yourself he deserves better.
  • You cannot possibly build a long-lasting successful relationship without being open with your significant other. However, despite this knowledge you cannot let him. You convince yourself that due to your failure to communicate this relationship will never last. You decide for the both of you that he deserves better. He deserves someone who can give him what he wants, someone who he can form a deeper emotional attachment with.
• You think he is a victim to your fears and you blame yourself for hurting him.
  • You deeply care about this person and the idea of you hurting him kills you inside. The last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt him, yet you still condemn yourself for doing so.
• You do not allow yourself to feel the pain this situation is causing you.
  • Yeah, he may be victim but so are you. You are a victim to your own fears and insecurities; your intent was never to hurt him. You too are suffering and it is okay to be in pain. It is okay to allow yourself to be hurt even though you feel like the perpetrator.
• Even though you were constantly pushing him away, you were secretly rooting for him.
  • You had hopes that he would sweep you off your feet and convince you that love conquers all. That your love would be so immense your fears would dissipate, and that with them your barrier would disappear and you’d be able to let him in.

It is important to understand that you cannot hold all the blame for a failed relationship. It may seem like you are the culprit but instead of punishing yourself, you need to question why. You need to allow yourself to be in pain so that you can work through it. You need to question why things happened the way they did, this will lead you to a deeper understand of who you are as a person. This will allow you to begin to heal your wounds and become stronger. You will gain a new perspective on yourself and on life. Once this happens you can then begin to reevaluate the relationship and decide if it is worth fighting for and even if it is too late for you to mend the relationship, this new knowledge will allow you to find the closure that you need to be at peace with the situation.

For as long as you can remember you have always been the strong one and people always comment on how well you have dealt with tough life situations. It has gotten to a point where people stopped asking how you're doing. 

People just categorize you as generally happy. People stopped asking about you because they just assumed you were fine. 

But one day everything changed for you and you realized you were tired of this title.

1. You felt unworthy of it, because regardless if anyone else noticed you felt like your life was falling apart. 
2. You started to resent the people you love you for being unable to see past the fake happiness, the happiness that even you had begun to believe in.
3. You began to get more upset with little things because you were tired of being unable to feel, you were tired of pretending that nothing was happening. 
4. You began to open up more to the people you trust the most. 
5. You began to make subtle hints that there was deeper issues in hopes that someone would pick up on it. 
6. There are times when you can not hold back the tears and you just cried uncontrollably. 

Life is hectic, and often people are dealing with a  lot. Therefore many times they blind themselves of others troubles in order to lessen their own burden. It is not because they do not care, it is because they are too caught up in their own life.

However, despite this it is important to find a support system or to find an outlet for all your emotions.

Do not bottle it all in, it may seem easy and efficient but it will blow up one day.

People suck and they will disappoint you, you will trust them and they may do you wrong. They may make you wish you never trusted them, but one day you will come across someone who geuninely cares, and it will be worth it.

It is okay to be strong, but also know that it is okay to ask for help.

Dear _____,

“It’s not you, it’s me”—a phrase that is now frowned upon, and looked down on. Yet this phrase is so accurate in our situation, because it really is me. I am and will always be sorry if I hurt you or if I ever made you feel like it was your fault, because it is not.  I am at a point in my life where I do not love myself enough to let anyone else love me, someone once told me “ you only accept the love you think you deserve” and I feel undeserving of your love, so I cannot let you in. This may be hard for you to understand and I know you want to help me, but you can’t. I do not want your help, and I don’t mean that to be rude, but I have to work on myself before I can ever let anyone in. However, you do not see that, you may hold resentment towards me. But I am not even sure of how I feel, so it is very hard for me to explain it to you. I feel broken, and empty. Some days, I am hopeful but others I feel like I carry the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. I do not want to drag you down with me, for I fear the darkness that surrounds me will succumb us both. I want something better for you, I do not want you to stay fixated on me, for I do not want you to resent me for holding you back.  This is my way of showing you that I care, I care enough to stay away.  I know I am not ready for a commitment right now, so I will not promise things I cannot fulfill. I want something better for you, I want you to be happy, I want you to find someone who can fulfill you like I can’t. I am aware that you may not understand, and that this may seem like I do not care. But I do, I really do, I care enough to let go even though it hurts me so much. I want to hold on to you, but I know I cannot let you in and most definitely cannot let you love me, because I cannot even love myself.  I am letting you go to protect you, to protect you from me. I am surrounded by darkness, and until I step out it and learn to love myself, I cannot love you the way you should be loved. I just want you to know this was not an easy choice, and that it pains me deeply but it is the right thing for me at the moment. I will only hurt you, because I am hurt myself. I was too selfish for so long, by holding on knowing I could not truly commit.  I feel so broken and pushing you away is my way of protecting you, I care enough to stay away. Now is not the right time for us to be together and the right time for us to be together may never arrive, so I cannot allow you to wait for something that may not happen. I want you to go out and enjoy your life, meet other people. Do not let me hold you back, if we are meant to be we will find our way to each other further down the road, maybe when I have worked on putting myself back together, when I am able to let you love me. Maybe on a day where I can tell you about the darkness without being succumb by it, but until then, this is a goodbye.

Love, 

_____________________

When I was 12 years old my father walked out on my family, it occurred out of the blue and without warning. This impacted me in unimaginable ways.

A father is someone you are supposed to be able to count on unconditionally, and if someone whom you expect to be there for you no matter what walks out on you, what’s to stop anyone else from walking away? 

1. Fear of Letting People In

It is very difficult to let people in because you fear that once they know how you feel, that they will think of you differently. You are are constantly in fear that people will pity you or judge you if they realized how you felt.

2. Fear of Losing the People You Love

If someone who meant a lot to you, someone who was supposed to be there for you unconditionally leaves you behind, what’s to stop anyone else from leaving? This is a fear that is always roaming in your head, it is something that you think about when you start getting close to anyone. You almost start to prepare for the pain that would arise if you lost this person, because losing people you love seems natural.

3. Fear of Vulnerability

You have been hurt for so long by abandonment, that you try to rationalize ways to avoid ever being hurt like that again. You start to think that if you don’t allow people to know you, they cannot possibly hurt you. Vulnerability is a weakness, and being vulnerable gives people the opportunity to hurt you. So in order to avoid being hurt, you believe you need to avoid vulnerability.

4. Fear of Not Being Good Enough

Whenever something goes wrong in a relationship–(with friends, family, significant other) you cannot help but think that it is your fault. You begin to feel that you are the problem. If your relationship with someone for one reason or another changes you cannot help but blame yourself, for not being good enough. You cannot help but think that they are stepping away because you lack what they seek.

5. Fear of Being Alone

Lastly, you are aware of your fears and this leads you to fear being alone. You fear that you will push the people that you love way, because somehow that is easier than risking them walking away. You fear that once people see the real you, a deeply hurt person with deep rooted fears that they will walk away due to their lack of understanding.

Your fears are cyclic, one fear feeding into another. It is important to try and break from this, because this cycle is holding you back. I cannot assure that people will not hurt you, in fact I can assure you that they probably will, but what I can tell you is that it is not a reflection of you. In life, people will take advantage of you, betray your trust, and walk away from you no matter what you do, this reflects who they are as a person, it does not reflect your worth.

Just like you will come across people who hurt you, you will also come across people who lift you higher. You will find long-lasting relationships that will help you continue forward. People who will see past your pain and past your flaws, and will see you for who you really are. Even though it may seem like it, you are not your pain, there is so much more to you.

You will find people who help you see this, people who help you rise from the darkness and help you not succumb to it, but instead learn to live with it without allowing it to take over.  In order to find these people, you will need to slowly but surely seek relationships with people, and let them in. This will be difficult and painful: people will disappoint you and hurt you, but when you find the right people it will be worth it.