Author: Jackie Eisenberg

OK, friend. Before I scream or shatter any more champagne flutes with my bare hands, there are some things you need to hear. I’m here to give you a major reality check.

As an unemployed highbrow in your 20s still living in your mom’s gorgeous apartment, you’re not going to automatically live in the wealthiest neighborhood when you eventually move out.

You have absolutely no money. What makes you think you can just move into the city’s nicest neighborhood? Maybe if you save up a little more instead of going out every weekend, you could maybe one day afford that shiny mansion apartment.

Maybe once you do move out, you could move to a not-so-stunning neighborhood.

With the salary you’d be making once you get a job, which, as a 20-something, probably isn’t much, you wouldn’t be able to afford a penthouse apartment. So unless you’d like to live with your mom for the rest of eternity, try out a new area. It could really open your eyes.

You need to get a job. Any job.

I don’t care that 9-to-5s “aren’t your thing.” I know that one 9-to-5 you had didn’t work out, but it shouldn’t sour you on all 9-to-5s. You’ve also refused to take part-time nannying jobs, barista jobs and dogwalking jobs. I don’t care if the job doesn’t give you flexible hours. ‘Tis life, bitch. Sorry you can’t jet to the Bahamas twice a year.

The world doesn’t revolve around you.

That could be the reason why that 9-to-5 “didn’t work out,” no offense. Maybe they didn’t like you taking vacations after only working there two months. I understand it’s important to get “personal time,” but I’m pretty sure you can get that at home after taking a personal day — every once in a while. And by once in a while, I mean, like, not every two weeks.

Stop taking luxury trips.

What other 20-somethings are taking lavish vacations like you do twice a year? Most people our age would feel lucky to even be able to make it to Six Flags once a year. If you saved the money you spend on random vacations, think of the amazing things you could do later in life.

You are very…into yourself.

I literally don’t give a f*ck about 90 percent of the sh*t you say. I don’t really care about the hour-long story you told about going to the mall with your mom to buy an umbrella. Or anything about financial bullsh*t that makes you think you sound more sophisticated than you are. If you wanna be more sophisticated, why don’t you learn about the lives of the people around you instead of talking about your cute yoga instructor for three hours?

Don’t invest in stupid sh*t.

You shouldn’t be investing in anything, really. But if you wanna invest in something, the stock market is a great place to start. But don’t put money into a venture that could potentially fail — like real estate. I’m actually laughing out loud at the prospect of you fixing a tenant’s air conditioner.

Being an adult means making sacrifices.

If you spend a night Netflix and Chilling instead of going out for $14 cocktails, you’ll be much happier in the long run. Be Broad City, not Sex and the City.

You’re so hung up on striving to live like Blair Waldorf

Of course we all want to live more glamorous lives. But maybe you should just try to embrace what you have right now. You’re in your 20s. You don’t have a stable job like most people in their 30s and 40s — and even at those ages not everyone has their sh*t together. So why don’t you stop being Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 and just be happy with what you’ve got?

Your friends wanna be there for you.

We just want to help you, but it just seems like you’re trapped in this little bubble. And it seems like you aren’t interested in what we have to say because we’re not “respectable professionals.” Just because we’re still living at home or we’re still in school or we haven’t found a job in our field yet, it doesn’t mean we’re incapable of offering sound advice and guidance.

We’re not just going to tell you what you wanna hear like everyone else you seek advice from does. Those people don’t have your best interests at heart, and we just want you to look at life realistically. It may not sound like it here, but I do love you, and I don’t wanna see you crash and burn. I just want you to have the life you desire by using sensible tactics — and being nice just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Since I’ve recently become a redhead, I’ve thought about the ridiculous stereotypes I’m gonna have to endure, one of them being “a hot head,” meaning gingers get angry easily. But I realized I had a hot temper long before I joined the ginger tribe:

1. We have very little patience for everything.

Whether we’re stuck in horrible traffic, waiting for our roommate to get out of the shower or waiting on line for the hottest roller coaster at Six Flags, we’re always the first one to ask someone, “What’s taking so long?”

2. If we don’t like something, we’re vocal about it.

If we hate our haircut, you’ll hear about it. We won’t necessarily yell (unless it’s warranted), but we’re going to let you know if we’re unsatisfied. Just, like, do better next time?

3. We don’t like when people are late.

We made plans for 2:30, not 2:50. It’s disrespectful to keep us waiting. Not because we’re some sort of queen of the world (even though, well, come on *wink*), but because it’s just not courteous to be 20 minutes late for a lunch date. 

4. People are a little afraid of us.

Those who know us know we’re, um, “feisty,” which we’re aware is just another word for “bitchy.” We don’t want you to be afraid, just know that if we’re hangry, there’s gonna be trouble. It’s not, like, a big deal or anything.

5. We can get violent.

If someone pisses us off or betrays our trust, we need to seriously hold back the urge to slap them right in their face. And sometimes we can’t control ourselves. So watch your back.

6. Our S.O.s tend to f*ck with us.

We can’t get mad at them. We know they’re just messing around when they hide our flat iron or flush the toilet while we’re in the shower. But they love seeing us get mad. It’s fun for them. So we try not to give them that satisfaction by getting angry.

7. We can turn anything into a weapon.

Even if it’s taking a sock and stuffing it with mini pencil sharpeners. If we get mad, get everything out of our sight — fast.

8. People tell us to handle our anger in another way.

If we had a nickel for every time someone told us we should “try yoga” or “meditate,” we’d be pretty rich people. Maybe we just like yelling? Saying “Goosfraba” isn’t going to help.

9. We’ve got the #deathstare down.

If you see this look, run far, far away. That’s how you know we’re mad. Treat it like a swarm of bees and run and jump into a fountain somewhere. That’ll make us happy again.

10. We feel a little guilty about getting so mad.

You think we like getting angry so easily? No. It sucks. It’s costed us jobs and friends. But the friends who understand us and love us are the ones that will stick by us.

For more of Jackie’s writing follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Nobody likes going to the dentist. It’s not a fun visit. The poking, the prodding, the scraping. We cringe just thinking about it. We’re pretty sure everyone has these thoughts while at the dentist:

1. OK, just remain calm.
2. What are all those pointy objects?
3. They look really sharp.
4. Are they gonna poke my teeth?
5. Or my cheeks?
6. What if he has to pull out one of my teeth?
7. Will he put me under?
8. What if he pulls out my front tooth?
9. I need that one.
10. Sh*t I ate an onion bagel today.
11. Will he know?
12. Does my breath smell bad?
13. It probably smells awful.
14. He def knows I haven’t flossed since my last visit.
15. He’s gonna make me feel guilty.
16. Sh*t.
17. How many mouths has he looked at today?
18. Is my tongue a funny color?
19. I wonder if I have any cavities.
20. Do adults even get cavities anymore?
21. This toothbrush tickles.
22. Ugh I need to spit real bad.
23. That’s what she said.
24. *Self-five*
25. Why is he talking to me? I clearly have my mouth stretched open.
26. Oh god is that novocaine? Am I getting a root canal?
27. F*CKKKKKKKK.
28. I feel like “David After Dentist” rn.
29. Weeeeeee.
30. OK, I promise I’ll floss and brush every night. No bullsh*t.
31. I f*cking hate this place.
32. But at least I get free floss…
33. That I’ll never use.
34. Let’s be real.

College is the place where we find ourselves and our “people.” And even though we grew up with the people we went to high school with, they don’t come close to the friends we made in college:

1. You’ve actually lived with these people.

You know your college friends’ routines in the morning. That’s probably the most intimate relationship you can have. You know what time they wake up; you know when they need their morning coffee; you know whether or not you’re allowed to speak to them until they’ve had said coffee. 

2. You’ve shared your deepest, darkest secrets with them.

They’ve got the ultimate dirt on you. So don’t cross them. Only kidding — sorta. But they know things about you that your S.O. probably wouldn’t. You share an unbreakable bond that no one can penetrate.

3. You’re all trying to find yourselves together.

You’re all trying different things and seeing where your lives are going. And you’re doing it together, so you know you’re not alone. Whether you’re trying out that horrific hairstyle or you’re going through your first real breakup, you’re all able to relate to each other and get each other through the tough times.

4. You’ve seen your friends at their worst…

And they’ve seen you the same. Between the screaming match you and your friend had after you hooked up with her crush and the time you weren’t able to leave the house on Halloween because your friend’s head was in the toilet, you’ve seen it all. But you get through the bad times because your friendship is stronger than any petty ones you had in high school.

5. But you’re always there for each other.

That time your friends brought posters to the musical you were in, where you only played a tree, was one of the most touching moments of your life. Not even your mom would do that, probably, let alone your high school friends.

6. They’ve def seen you naked.

Between the time they walked in on you having sex or when they walked in on you in the shower (you better start locking doors, honey), they’ve literally seen every side of you. It’s something you can’t unsee. But all it’s done is strengthen your friendship and remove some of those pesky “boundaries.”

7. You’re basically part of each other’s families.

You’re so grateful for the multiple times your friends’ families took you in for Thanksgiving break when your family lived across the country. Or when your friends came to visit for July 4 and you all watched the fireworks with your family. Bottom line: You’re all family, and that’s that.

8. You can talk to them about your dating life because they know who everyone is.

Your high school friends haven’t met Johnny or Tyler. They don’t know what they’ve done to you, or they don’t remember how you met them or which one you had a “bonus night” with. It can get quite frustrating reiterating who these people are. But your college friends were there for it, step by step (yes, even during the bonus night; you always forget to lock doors, remember?), and they’re the first ones to slap you before you make that mistake with Johnny.

9. You have people to send random GIFs and Snapchats to.

Drunkenly and sober. If you find something funny on the Internet, you’ll send it to your group Facebook thread immediately. Your high school friends are probably still stuck in high school and haven’t evolved to your sense of humor — which is ironic because your sense of humor involves poop and fart jokes. But still.

10. You can be as weird as you want around them.

Because they’re just as weird as you are. If you wanted to dance around in your underwear to show tunes while drinking a bottle of wine, your friends are willing to join you with open arms. But they’ll be pissed that you started without them.

11. Some of your greatest memories came from college and the times you spent with those fools.

That’s when most of your inside jokes solidified. From that funny-looking head of lettuce in the dining hall to quoting every line from Get Him to the Greek, you’ve never laughed harder than you have with your college friends. They’re the ones you’re gonna grow old with. And you’re thankful for that. 

For more of Jackie’s writing, follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

We’ve become so accustom to the way we wear our hair. We have the style we like. We have the color we like. But sometimes we just need a change:

1. You get super excited about it for weeks. You’re so happy you’re finally going to change things up. This is going to be a brand new you. You’re going to look super fly.

2. But when the day arrives, you get super anxious. Should I be doing this? My hair looks fine the way it is. Am I being silly? Am I being too impulsive? What if it doesn’t turn out the way I wanted?? My hair looks especially good today. Whyyyy?

3. You sit in the chair, breathing heavily. Your hairdresser reassures you that you’re going to look awesome, but you’re still having a mini panic attack.

4. You see your hairdresser begin Edward Scissorhands-ing your head. RIP long hair. It’s been nice knowing ya. We’ve been through so much. But you’re in a better place now...on the floor.  

5. If you’re coloring your hair, you begin having heart palpitations. After the hairdresser paints your hair for 20 minutes, you’ve gotta just sit there. And wait…

6. Finally your hairdresser washes your hair and you can see the color setting in. OOOH MYYYY GAWDDDDDD. Here it comes.

7. And then when your hairdresser begins to blow-dry, you can see the final masterpiece emerging. Your eyes widen. Your grin stretches from ear to ear. You’re eager for her to finish so you can pull the “reverse cape” off and leap out into the world.

8. You can’t stop trying to grab where your long hair used to fall. You realize in these moments that this is the end of an era.

9. And you can’t stop looking at yourself in the mirror. It’s so new. It’s going to take a lottt of getting used to. But you look f*cking great.

10. When you see your friends later, they’re so excited for you. And the compliments begin rolling in. “OMG you look so cute.” “Girl, you look AMAZING.”

11. But when you get home at the end of the night, you begin freaking out. You may even cry a little. What have I done?? My hair was so perfect. I had a great thing going. Now I’ve gotta wait, like, six months for it to get back to normal. GAHHHHH.

12. But then you realize you’re just doing you. Your friends said they loved your hair. So did the lady in the bagel store. Listen to them. No matter what happens, it’s hair, and it will grow back. In the meantime, embrace your new look — because it’s a part of you. Whether you’re a new member of the ginger community or you’ve gone the pixie cut route — or both — you’re beautiful no matter what.

For more of Jackie’s writing, follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Summertime is the greatest time of the year. School’s out, the weather’s great and you’re off to make memories doing whatever summer plans you have. But if those plans involve sleepaway camp, you know your summer is gonna kick ass:

1. The phrase “We live 10 months for two” touches you deeply.

You constantly ask yourself why you must suffer throughout the other, irrelevant three seasons when you’re just going to keep coming back to this wonderful place for eight weeks each summer.

2. Your camp friends are some of your best friends.

You’ve created an air-tight bond with these people. You’ve shared things with them you’ve never told anyone else. They’re your people. There’s no one else you’d let catch you while you fall off a log during a trust-building exercise — and there’s no one you’d rather get naked in front of during Shower Hour. Friends, friends, friends, we will always beeeeee…

3. You remember the choreography to every dance number you’ve performed.

“All Star” was the No. 1 jam for camp choreo your first summer. And you nailed every single move flawlessly — and still can.

4. The number of people you know from around the country is insane.

When you got to college, you immediately met people who knew your camp friends in New York, Florida and Pennsylvania. “Yasss I love Lexi. She’s my roommate’s BFF’s cousin.”

5. You have a bittersweet relationship with “Reveille.”

It’s the only thing that will get you up at 7 a.m. Ever.

6. You were jealous of your friends who passed their swim test on the first try.

To paraphrase T. Swift: You wear life-vests; they wear tankinis. They’re swim captain, and you’re on the pool deck. Dreamin’ ’bout the day when you wake up and find that you can GO IN THE MOTHERF*CKING DEEP END ALREADY.

7. Some of your deepest crushes were at camp.

Before canteen, you’d douse your face with eyeshadow and lipstick, and dress to the nines (read: a black tee, denim skirt and “strappy” flip-flops) with your friends to attract the cutest boy in your age group. Or maybe even that hot CIT… *Swoon*

8. You got starstruck whenever the “camp celebrity” spoke to you.

There was always one counselor or staff member that everyone knew and who was super cool. But you never got the chance (read: were too intimidated) to talk to them. But that one day during Color War when you were on their team and they congratulated you on winning a challenge was the coolest moment of your life.

9. You would rather make friendship bracelets during Rest Hour than write letters home.

Even though your counselors implemented a “one letter” rule, in which you had to write at least one letter before actually doing fun stuff with the rest of your bunkmates. Thank you, fill-in-the-blank stationery.

10. But then when you actually received mail, it was the greatest thing ever.

The Blue’s Clues mail time song was always the first thing you thought of: Here’s the mail; it never fails; it makes me wanna wag my tail. When it comes, I wanna wail, “MAILLLLLLL.”

11. On the last night of camp, you bawled with your bunkmates until your cheeks were soaked.

It’s so hard to say goodbye to your friends, counselors and the memories you’ve created together. But you know you’ll be back in 10 months to see everyone again. Damn, that’s a long time…