Author: Jane Banz

I have journeyed through this life on my own for so long and now I get the opportunity to make decisions that involve someone else's opinion, yours. I know sometimes I am not easy to live with and difficult to understand, but you stay through it all.

Going through the good and the bad is so much more than what people paraphrase. It's allowing to have someone else break a privacy barrier with their opinions, thoughts, emotions, and characters.

There will be attributes that I am not use to but I'm more than willing to learn about all of them because they make you.

There are times that our egos have gotten in the way and we've said hurtful words. But there is something that you have given me that no one else has. You have taken your time and placed an immense effort in to Us.

You provide me reassurance in us and our ability to take on any obstacle big or small, together. The front door to our home isn't to leave but to enter a safe haven that we know we can build side by side.

You have shown me the meaning of forgiveness because we will always make mistakes but remind each other we are still human. Being the bigger person isn't easy but if it's something petty, there is no arguing that a healthy relationship isn't something to give up on.

When the relationship is a lot of responsibility, you have provided me with understanding because we won't always know exactly what to do. Our minds are so wrapped in the disagreement that we may forget to see the bigger picture. You're there to show that we've come a long way and that there are two sides we have to accept.

You give me the choice and the chance to learn from trials and errors so to build a relationship that has given us opportunities. You don't make me stay but you remind me you love me and respect my decisions. You allow me to grow and don't restrain me from what I can further fulfill.

I have learned patience through you by listening rather than always being understood. Being the partners we are, we owe each other that respect to be validated and if we ever forget to, we know we need to step up.  

You give me limitless loyalty by giving us time, attention and never making me feel like a runner up. I don't ever feel like I am in competition with anyone. I can look like a total mess or feel sick and ill, but you let me know that I'm amazing and always look beautiful.

Most importantly you have given me love. Because whether at my best and even at my worst you still choose me by doing everything you have done for us. Keeping me safe, protected and well. 

Every time you have tried to come back into my life, you’ve jeopardized it. You have sabotaged me and everything that surrounds me one too many times.

I used to love you with everything my wild heart had in it, every time we were together you lit a fire deep in my soul. But today, my heart has been tamed by hurt, pain, and devastation, while your heart roams this earth scratch free.

Now, you expect me to drop everything for you, when you left me with no reasons but to hate you. I cried for you all this time. I stayed wondering why someone could have claimed they loved me and yet abandoned me when I needed them the most. I tried understanding why they could have left me vulnerable for others to judge. 

You didn’t care about me at all. All you did was threaten me and marked my feelings and opinions invalid. You made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Now, you’re coming back because you’re alone and desperate. You had to find something that confirmed your control so to fill that void of feeling wanted. We both know that’s the real reason you came looking for me.

You don’t even care that I have my life set-up. You don’t wish to follow my terms or respect my boundaries because the truth is you never cared to. You ask to pick up where we left off, except where we let off was awful. I honestly don’t know what world you’re living in to think that we were anything but toxic. 

If you really had wanted to be with me, you would’ve done the right thing from the start. You wouldn’t be falsifying emotions to see if I’d believe you. You wouldn’t sit here trying to commove me with your cynical motives. 

You could have done everything to change and prove that you’re a man full of worth. That perhaps you could truly love someone completely and really mean it. So, you can’t blame me for not believing you still love me.

When we spoke, your quick tongue and piercing remarks were all still there. You claim to understand, pretending you know you have much to make up for but we both know this isn’t true, despite how “sorry” you are.

There’s no patience, respect or kindness behind your words. You’d rather be on top, you’d rather have the last word.

Your ego, jealousy, and selfishness will always hold you back. You will never genuinely feel happy for someone because your negative attributes control you.

With the disrespect you have shown me, you have validated you haven’t changed. You’ve proven that everything must work in your favor. Sorry but I’ve given you too many chances and heard one too many sorry’s for me to let you into my life again.

So, if my honesty enrages you rather than open your eyes, I’ve made the right decision. I have grown to know better and face the truth that you and I were never meant to be.

You will keep roaming this world alone, settling for false, temporary happiness; because your heart– it’s black.

If you had a moral compass, you wouldn’t come back right after ending a relationship. You wouldn’t begin with clarifying that we are not a rebound and this phone call is just to see how we are. 

If you think that asking what I want from you would encourage me to be with you again, you’re completely senile. She is not your crutch and we don’t belong to you. You have no control here.

Your mistakes and past decisions have consequences. Although you can try rectifying them, it won’t bring anything back. It won’t change who you were. And believe me, I haven’t forgotten.

Do you know the definition of a Narcissist? You should look it up, you may have an epiphany. 

Perhaps you’d realize what you should be doing then attempting to utilize my daughter as a stepping stone. She is not an object you temporarily discard then grab a hold of when everything else has left you. 

I won’t allow you to use her as reassurance to others that you’re “fine”. You’re delirious if you think I would place her in your control, the same place I was once before.

The fact that you mentioned leaving the decision up to me, proves that you don’t care about the outcome. So I’ve made my decision, and you are not welcomed here.

So drop the act, quit contradicting yourself and stop demanding fatherhood. The victim image doesn’t suit you and you haven’t changed a bit.

You don’t get to decide that I’m not allowed to judge your past after what you’ve done. You don’t get to decide that you trying to be a father now automatically makes you a good person. In case you haven’t realized, you are currently no one to her. You’ve been long enough away.

Did you forget what you did to us? Did you really think you had the right to come back and attempt reconciliation?

You are out of your mind if you think I’ll tolerate your insults because my comments “hurt” you. You’re defending the same people that caused us drama, that split us up. But worse your still defending the yourself, the same person that allowed all the bad to happen.

You can sit there and insult me; express that I’m incapable of making decisions and spit at my relationship. But need I remind you, you insult the one man that stepped-up and filled-in a role that you abandoned and I am the one parent who stayed.

You abandoned her for the lifestyle that broke our relationship in the first place. The same lifestyle I’m pretty sure you’re still familiar with. Someone like you doesn’t change overnight.

So, if hurting me physically and emotionally doesn’t give me enough authority, or better yet, your full undivided respect- then don’t let the door hit you a second-time on the way out.

I’ve created a peaceful world for her and I won’t let you hurt her.

I promise her that.

We don’t always say the truth. Sometimes we keep things to ourselves because it isn’t relevant. But when it comes to a relationship, there’s being courteous and just “point-blank” lying.

So if you have to lie to me, please don’t stay with me.

When I tell you that I need reassurance, it’s not about reassuring me with things I can visually see. But also doing what you can on your part without the gratitude.

Because I won’t follow you. I’m not a watch-dog. I won’t always know.

You are carrying something quite heavy and priceless, my heart, as I carry yours.

I shouldn’t have to worry about you following worldly views or your moral compass. I shouldn’t have to worry about what we can and cannot talk about. Just how.

So if you find yourself having to lie to me, for your own peace of my mind, don’t force us.

I don’t need someone like that. I need someone who knows what it takes now after past failed attempts.

Someone who seeks the same reassurance I’m looking for. Someone who values their time and not wanting to waste it anymore.

Someone who’s willing to put in the same amount of efforts as I am.

So if you find yourself having to cover-up why you did something, don’t prolong this. It’s just setting us up for failure.

You’re doing something wrong and I’m obviously not for you. I can’t make you happy.

You are now creating a façade of what I need of you as a surface appearance.

I don’t need something falsified and you don’t either. Don’t keep me as a security blanket. You’ll eventually look elsewhere for the whole bed set.

It may come natural to me to provide loyalty, assurance, and all levels of affection. But if it’s becoming difficult for you, please don’t make this something it’s not.

Please don’t stay with me.

There were times where you wanted to pull your hair out. In the midst of an argument, you even wanted to walk out the door.

It always felt like it was his way or the highway. Instead, you always took a breather and stayed.

You’d hope it’d get out of his system. Maybe he’d genuinely understand you if you tried.

You explained what you expected in a manner that showed you cared about him. But now, you exasperated all measures.

You knew compromising in a relationship should’ve been natural. But it was always a constant battle or his fear of change.

If it had been equally important to him, he would’ve learned to respect your emotions without shutting you down.

It would’ve taken a few tries but he would’ve realized your feelings were just as importance as his.

He was busy liking other girl’s posts. He felt obligated to praise another girls picture or social media post. Friend or stranger.

When he should’ve been spending time with you; he often seemed too busy on his phone. Almost making you feel like you had to fight for his attention. Needless to say, his phone went everywhere with him…even the damn bathroom.

He didn’t handle confrontation well. He didn’t take your emotions into account or the fact that something hurt you. You were just jealous or your behavior was not-normal. Your woman’s intuition was never valid.

He was always on the defense. Blaming you for creating an argument when he really just didn’t want to fix it. He always managed to stay silent…pawning all the weight on you.

He made friends with random girls. He had no judgment and he didn’t care to practice it. He didn’t understand that meeting new girls because they’re “cool” needed to stop.

His broadened circle of friends wasn’t enough for him. Having a girlfriend that he can give attention to and vice versa, wasn’t enough either.

He was unsympathetic to you. He never learned to care about others emotions. His emotions were far more important. You were hurt, you cried and you let him know.

It wasn’t always like this. But the “honeymoon phase” was over and he often left you high and dry. Only showing sympathy when he wanted to.

He didn’t understand your side until the brink of a break-up. He insisted on how you played games but you only wanted to get away from his reoccurring change of mind.

He knew he was losing you and realized you were willing to walk out. Then and there, he took it all back. Reeled you back in again for the multiple time.

His female communication didn’t change. He treated his female friends the same way he treated his male friends. He didn’t care to set limits or boundaries.

He had it all figured out. His female friends wouldn’t fall for him and “catching feelings” would never happen… “ever”.

He felt obligated to correspond to other girls. He felt it was his duty, while being a boyfriend to you, to be that “nice guy” who is down to hang-out with anyone.

He didn’t think it was a big deal. It was just a post, a picture, or quick meet and greet. That random girl that posted in a group chat…was just trying to “make friends”. Apparently, he was available.

He showed potential then took it back. It felt like a game sometimes. He would provide security then take it away. We’re a team/I don’t think we’re meant to be, I want to be a better man/I’m not good enough, or I love you/You need someone better.

Each time left you heartbroken and torn.

He listened to you without feedback. You began to tell him a joke or start a conversation but there was never any direct eye contact.

He was too busy checking his phone or being distracted by something or someone. You never knew. He just showed no enthusiasm for what you had to say.

He took things with a grain of salt. He wasn’t an over-analyzer and he never wanted to acknowledge that perhaps his words or actions pierced your heart.

He was very simple-minded when it came to arguments. As the relationship progressed, you felt yourself thinking, stressing and losing sight of who you wanted to be.

Remember, no relationship should take away your self-growth or make you feel less than who you are.

If he’s too busy set in his ways, unfortunately, you may not be the one to help him change.

So, call it day. Walk out that door. And by all means, don’t look back.

“A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”

-Grace Pulpit

In today’s society, too many people give away their friendship and trust at no cost. They become friends with people who are envious, jealous, or those who only live vicariously through them.

Knowing when and how to make a judgement call helps weed out the “friendships” you don’t need and helps you become the friend that you should be.

You’re in your right to surround yourself with those who hold similar principles and outlooks.

So narrowing down your social circle isn’t bad, it’s actually healthy. You begin to accept independence and learn not to rely on just anyone as you progress through adulthood.

It’s important to build a healthy support system. People you can encourage and those who encourage you.

Surrounding yourself by those susceptible to change and open to bettering themselves motivates you to do better as well.

A wise friend once told me, you need friends that have a stable mentality or at least friends working towards a better sense of life.

If you have friends who tell you like it is, keep an open-mind and cherish them. The best advice doesn’t always come sugar-coated and honesty is rare.

Close friends challenge you to become better and know not to always tell you what you want to hear.

If you have relationship problems, asking advice from someone who is familiar with toxic relationships wouldn’t be ideal.

Same applies to goals and achievements. It’s pointless to ask for advice from someone who has quit jobs repetitively over someone who has experience, ambitions, and the need to succeed.

Not all friendships procreate by “friends” you make on social media, the people you have impressed, or re-acquainted friendships because now you’re doing better.

So why not live your life without following society. Why not grow and see how you transpire on your own.

Put down your phone, go for a hike, finish a project and be proactive.

Having friends who encourage you and truly value your friendship is the byproduct from being the person you are through Your standards and not the worlds.

Stay surrounded by friends who provide a healthy companionship and start living your life on your own.

Distancing yourself isn’t a bad thing. We all do it and we all go our separate ways.

But one thing is true, family always remains…

They don’t have to be blood-related.

They can be those who understand and respect your decisions. Those who care about where you are in life and stay when you have nothing at all.

—

“Some people go to priests; others to poetry, I to my friends.”

-Virginia Woolf

More often than usual, men are becoming confused on how they should treat a woman.

Some of us are giving a bad reputation as to what a healthy intimate relationship should be like. And believe me it goes far beyond physical intimacy.

Most men seem to share the same mentality in what they consider intimate respect and what’s not a big deal.

Perhaps comfort zones were ambiguous. Perhaps the other girl didn’t set boundaries. Perhaps she didn’t even care.

The truth is, we’ll never know and we don’t want to. So if we love you, prepare the training wheels.

For those who are ready to settle, word of advice men, get to know her respective boundaries before you start sharing your little black book. And women, don’t change your standards and how you want to be respected.

She freely talked about her intimate past. Truth is women don’t.

They don’t want to hear about your past endeavors. Not one peep. If they care about you, it hurts. If this is confusing, let’s put it into perspective.

If a woman wants to settle, dating to her is the possibility of building a future. That future doesn’t consist of her past.

There really is no vital point in talking about it. So they’ll hold their private life firmly and respect their intimate past by leaving it behind.

She introduced you to her old f-buddy. Truth is women don’t.

To some men, it may seem like another way to connect. What most don’t realize is that it never just stayed as friends, and intimacy involved means they saw your chick before you did.

Women don’t want their men to feel inferior and respect their relationship and the personal meaning it holds.

They also don’t want to be introduced to your f-buddies. A girl you love and a girl you “did”, should never be in the same room. Again no real vital point for it.

She was fine with you talking to your ex; she was talking to hers too. Truth is women aren’t.

As a wise friend once told me, there comes a point in your life when you have to realize what a true friendship is and what’s considered baggage.

A past relationship should stay in the past. For a woman, if there’s nothing bonding her to her ex, then there’s no reason important enough to bring them up.

They also know everyone goes their separate ways, so why not now! If your building a relationship for the long-haul then the most important friendship you have is quite obvious. Tend to that.

She didn’t mind hearing about your intimate past. Truth is women do.

A woman won’t care what you’ve learned and how you’ve learned it. It’s about “Do you want to do this?” Never start a question with “Have you ever…?” It’s a window of opportunity for too much information to escape.

The relationship is about you both, and that’s how it should be followed through. She wants to feel she’s the only one…even though she knows she’s not. If she loves you, she holds this dearly.

She cared about what you spoiled her with. Truth is women don’t.

It’s about the little things. She doesn’t care about fancy places, how much you make, or what you’ll provide for her lifestyle. It’s the good-morning breakfast, the “here’s an aspirin for your headache” or it’s a quick glance at her and she knows what you’re thinking.

Yes…the mushy stuff. This is what turns out to be quite significant. It’s what makes you feel like a kid while your streaming along with your person in this adult life.

She didn’t mind seeing, let alone using, old “stuff” from your previous endeavors. Truth is women do!

Woman don’t want to spark up a conversation starting with “Whose is this?” and the story behind it. They will more than likely never have keep-sakes because moving on…means moving on. They don’t want to be asked about it.

Most importantly, never ask her to use anything intimate you’ve used on someone else. It’s disrespectful and offensive. If you love her, spend a couple and throw the old s*** out.

You have often ventured on the idea of what kind of mother you’d make if you were in my shoes.

Your opinion of how I don’t prioritize my kids has successfully dropped in every needless quarrel.

I’m not allowed to date, have lunch with my friends or even take a coffee break. Making a little time for myself casts a judgment from you, naming me irresponsible.

The first few times, I have maintained composure and brushed the argument off my shoulder. But there will come a point where my toleration meets their limits.

I’ll begin to get tired of being degraded; reprimanded on my motherly duties. Responses will run through my mind. But I’ll choose to remain resilient because picking my battles is much more imperative than losing my sanity.

These were your words. These were my thoughts.

Your kids are supposed to be your world. You should know that their importance started as soon as I knew of their existence. An underlined importance no one can exceed.

Through all the morning sickness, doctor’s visits, and time slowly passing by, it took me 9-months to meet them. So believe me, they’re part of every little thing I do. They make up my world.

I see your kids more than you do. Need I remind you, working to maintain a family is time away from them…and it’s never easy for me. Yet, I’ve managed to care for them while they were sick, go to every school conference and provide time to ensure they never felt alone.

Most importantly, I have seen each take their first step, say their first word, and held their hand on the first day of school. Which, for your information, will be memories of a time I’ll never forget.

If you don’t want them, I will take them. You should have known that there is nothing more immature than a threat. If to you, a child’s well-being is to separate them from their mother, the most significant figure in their lives. Then, you didn’t consider their true well-being.

You couldn’t replace me.

Your situation scares men away. It’s difficult being a single mother when it comes to deciding to date and taking a chance. But I’m not the only one going through it.

All single mothers share the same fear; being overlooked because of our undertaking. Men don’t get scared though, boys do! But thank you for reminding me of a state of mind I’ve worked hard to silence.

You’re just waiting for Prince Charming. I have only thought of my responsibilities. Even with kids, the logic of building a better future never changes.

Being left as a single mother is quite the eye opener at the existence of prince charming. But you wouldn’t know. You haven’t been let down in this way.

So I thank you for setting my priorities straight and calling out all my fears.

The way I have been taking on my role couldn’t have been more misled by your opinions.

Which were just a shy away from making me lose my cool.

So I’ll take a breath, re-ignite my courage, and remind myself of what I truly value.

The opinions from those closed little eyes, lying next to me.

It seems the older we get our Christmas spirit is us hiding in the corner with our 3^rd glass of wine just to survive the night. If not, you were the event planner, the one everyone pawns all the holiday duties to. At least the major ones. The ones no one really wanted to do.

It wasn’t always like this. You once enjoyed Christmas and basked in the spiritual meaning of it. Now, it either feels like a high school reunion or a work event and you’re the one responsible. Here are 10 reasons why Christmas was better as a kid, way better.

1.       You didn’t have to hang the Christmas lights. Yeah, you helped hold them, but you didn’t have to run around connecting all the chords and checking every lightbulb to make sure they worked. You didn’t have to take the house lights down either.

2.       You could count on having presents. As a child, you would count how many presents you had every day. With the more you counted, outnumbering what you had on your wish list, the more excited you were to find out what Santa brought you under the tree.

3.       You didn’t have to host family, let alone cook. You could always count on mom. She wasn’t just the cook she was the bomb*** chef. She knew exactly when and how to cook the Christmas dinner and all you had to do was smell, guess, and taste test.

4.       Your handmade gifts were appreciated. Forget dropping 200 to buy more tools that dad won’t use. Back then you could create a Christmas card on a white folded piece of paper, sprinkle it to your hearts content and he’d be all smiles. You do that now and you seem like you can’t even afford toilet paper.

5.       You opened your presents first. You know parents, all excited to see our faces after we realized Santa got us exactly what we wanted. Nowadays, it doesn’t matter what we get, nobody can afford our “adult” Christmas list. You’re lucky enough if mom slips a 50 in a Christmas card.

6.       Your wish list mattered. For those who’ve had parents like this know that writing to Santa and keeping the spirit of Christmas alive was very important to them. They did it more to keep your imagination alive before growing up the ugly truth, that Santa isn’t real. But now that you’re older, it’s all about affording your own presents.

7.       You weren’t obligated to get everyone presents. You didn’t have to do last minute runs, make a list of all the people in your family or worry about how much you could afford. But then again, you weren’t allowed to work as a child. Now you’re an adult, should have a job and everyone assumes you didn’t forget them.

8.       You didn’t have to ask for time-off. You could ask for the holiday off but so did all 15 of your co-workers. I can safely say we all know this feeling. This is when you realize how good you had it as a child. There was need to ask for a 2-week “intersession”, school just gave it to you! One week for the holidays and the other to ultimately play with all the toys you got.

9.       You weren’t hung over Dec 26^th. I’m sure most of us can relate. Back then, arguments lasted 2 minutes and then we were back to playing games! Now, grudges spring like weeds and family drama has a chance to ruin Christmas. So, drinking some egg-nog or refilling the wine glass, anything to survive the night, sounds ideal.

10.   You could believe in Santa. There was always something special about this. You knew he was real. How could he not be? He was everywhere!! A character that well-known had to exist. Back then wanting to visit a magical North Pole was every kid’s dream come true. Then, you grew up and realized the north pole is just a giant ice desert and not even penguins live there.