To The Boyfriend Who Forgets I Exist Once Football Season Starts

Dear Boyfriend,

This madness has gone on for far too long.

It’s not that I don’t get it. I watched Friday Night Lights – I’m fully aware of how emotional football can get…if you’re only following one team.

It’s not like that for you. For you, it’s an obsession that rivals my incessant Facebook-checking. At least when I’m on Facebook I look at you every once in a while.

Come August, I start to see the talons of Football season creeping up your back, placing its bony hand on your shoulder. I’ve got him now it seems to whisper. Nothing you can do about it.

And it’s right, there really isn’t. It seems that between high school, college, pro, and (gasp) fantasy football, you’re busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony.

It’s not so much the fact that you’re a man in demand, it’s that even when you’re here, you’re gone. I could wave a hand in front of your face and you won’t notice. Poof. Finished! Out to lunch. It’s about The Game and The Game only, for the better part of the next five months.

Sometimes I think you’ve snapped out of it, that you’ve realized it’s JUST a game and I am, in fact, a woman sitting in your general vicinity. You gaze over with glazed eyes and say, “Babe, will you grab me a beer?”

It’s just the commercial break. Le Sigh.

Sometimes I attempt to get into it, in the hopes that one day the clouds will part and I’ll finally understand football enough to like it. I’ll then develop my own obsession to make you jealous. No matter how often you explain it, though – I get distracted by all of the hot men in tight pants running around and I forget what you taught me. Balls.

At least when we’re staying in I can busy myself with other things, but when we go to a bar, you totally space as well – so then it’s just like I’m alone at a bar. Suddenly I went from “having a lovely afternoon” to “ having a drinking problem”.

And then there are the mood swings. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, if, God forbid, one of your teams should lose.

The game’s finally over and you’re a mopey, irritable mess. You can’t even blame it on hormones.

You won’t shut up about it for at least an hour afterward, and it’s not even a real-life event. The worst part of it is, there’s nothing I can say other than, “Oh man. Maybe next time!”

I could make some sh*t up like Yeah, that ref was a total d*ck, and Henderson should go back to the minors or whatever, but I’d really only be amusing myself.

I put in long, hard hours waiting for you to return to the land of the living. Can’t you snap out of it so we can go out? Otherwise i may just take myself out on a date. I deserve a good time.

I think the best thing for me to do is to leave a wax replica of me next to you for a few months while I actually enjoy the fall season. Hit me up around Groundhog Day- at least there will be people to talk to at one of the Superbowl parties.

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12 Things Only Super Expressive People Understand

Ah, the shy person. She’s an enigma, wrapped in mystery and bacon. Yeah…that’s not you.

1. You admire private people, but you could never be one of them.

You’ll never respond to What’s wrong? with nothing. That’s impossible.

First, even if you wanted to hide and bottle up all of your feelings, you couldn’t because they leak right out of your face. Second, if you kept it all in you’d explode. You don’t enjoy exploding. In that way.

2. Instead of an open book, you’re more like a rolling film strip.

You’re really open about your life, and you like it that way. Whatever you’re doing, you’re letting everybody know because it’s just plain fun. You want to tell your story the way it’s meant to be told instead of having everybody guess.

Hey guys, here is a picture of my dinner. You can complain about it, but we both know that my feed keeps you busy when you’re on line at Target so shhhhh.

3. You can’t keep secrets to save your life.

You’ve seen this episode already. You know that whenever there’s a secret, it’s bound to come out in one way or another, so you’d rather not have too many secrets to keep. You like things out in the open.

Is it a secret? Oh no I won’t tell anyone I swear. Rachel? Hey. Stacey just said it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone I told you.

4. …And you definitely let people know how you feel.

Sometimes you can be guilty of sharing too much. Combine that with your penchant for honesty and you have TMI all over the place.

I’m doing well today. I mean, that’s not really true, I’m not feeling so great. I mean I’ve got a little gas and I’m pretty upset about The Walking Dead, but I’m going to eat my feelings later so that should make up for it.

5. You don’t understand people who just withdraw.

And you just don’t get it when somebody clams up and goes off into a clock tower to stare out the window, thinking that’ll solve the problem.

You look at this as a layover on the way to expression, but expression is what you live and breathe so you’d rather get there directly. Look, I should probably think before I say anything, but that’s just not my style so let’s just think while we’re having this fight.

6. Self-reflection is huuuuge.

This isn’t to say that you’re not reflective. You’re super reflective, because you talk to yourself in addition to everyone else. You sometimes do it out loud, but that scares people, so more often than not you write in a journal or blog to speak your truth.

Dear me, we need to talk. What the f*ck was that the other night while we were drunk. We said we wouldn’t call him again. Let’s explore possible reasons.

7. Your stories are amazing.

You don’t really censor yourself because you want the people you’re telling the story to to have all of the information including your wonderings, so your stories are really colorful.

I was going over to the coffee place and I see this guy who’s kind of walking but also throwing up every few steps. He’s wearing tons of paper plates instead of actual clothes and i’m just like, did he eat the food off of the paper plates before he threw it up?

8. Passive aggressiveness doesn’t compute.

You don’t know why people don’t just say what they mean. Nobody needs to cloak their speech in catty sarcasm in order to get through to you.

You’d really rather them just walk up and say I have a problem with you. What you did was f*cked up in my eyes.

Then naturally you’d either discuss further or apologize and that’ll be that, rather than listen to them say I love how you’ll just wear tons of mascara. Thanks.

9. You’re ultra festive.

You pretty much think that anyone who doesn’t like holidays is dead inside. Any excuse for you to hang decorations and communicate the fact that it’s time to celebrate is fair game.

What’s in the box? Why, I’m glad you asked. We’ve got Halloween decorations, Thanksgiving decorations, Christmas decorations, Hanukkah decorations, Kwanzaa decorations, New Years decorations, Groundhog Day decorations….

10. You’re sometimes mistaken for an eight year old.

The workings of your mind are so out there for everybody to witness, that it reminds them of a kid.

You don’t leave anything out, so you string things together like Hey I wonder where that place is…I’m cold…Mac and Cheese! Your hair looks very golden today as if it’s all one sentence.

11. You can’t text without emojis.

Every single text ends with a heart or smiley face. You can’t help it. Texts just do not seem complete without an expression to match. Sometimes you’ll emoji while talking on the phone.

Didn’t know emoji could be used as a verb? Now you do. If you’ve used phrases like OMG I have the biggest smile on my face right now, I’m dying laughing, I’m nodding, or single glistening tear, you have just emojied.

12. You use a lot of hand gestures. 

And you use hand gestures while you talk so often that it’s amazing you haven’t learned sign language yet. You just feel like using your hands is a great way to drive the point home. I mean, how effective is a f*ck you without the hand gesture to match, Amirite?

Hey, it’s not always easy being super expressive – but everyone loves you, because they always know where you stand. You’re kind of like a puppy.

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10 Things You Only Say While Shopping With your BFF

There’s nothing like a good retail therapy sesh with your bestie: 

1. That is so you. You scour the racks hoping to find something, anything that will make your day – and you find it. The perfect thing. You hold it up for your BFF and hope they’ll say those four magical words. It’s the ultimate approval. It says, That is going to look so bomb on you and I know it without you even trying it on first. It literally describes your personality.

2. OMG come look at this. This can either be said right before you’re about to see something impressive, or something impressively terrible. Either way, it’s cause for excitement. OMG Stacey get over here. Look at this hat that is also a giant mushroom. Amazing.

3. I’m coming in there. A friend less close to you may politely wait outside the dressing room – not your BFF. She’s coming in there with you no matter what policy states, because she needs to see every single option if she’s going to give a worthwhile opinion. Also modesty went out the window with you two a long time ago. I love that bra. Where did you get it?

4. Take that off. Now. Some people may let you seriously consider something ugly if you like it. Those people aren’t your BFF. No like, you really need to take that thing off. It’s like a tablecloth. No one can pull that thing off. You’re gorgeous – yet it makes you look like you just wandered into a kitchen supply store and took the first piece of fabric someone gave you. Next.

5. Let’s do a dressing room selfie. I don’t know why this always ends up happening, but it does. Maybe because most of the things you bring in the dressing room end up comically failing and you have to take pictures to document the hilarity of it all. Maybe you’re both on a winning streak of trying on outfits that make you look like you’re about to do a fashion show. It must be remembered. These are the special times.

6. What the hell is this? Sometimes you see something on a hanger that is just confusing, and has the potential to be really embarrassing. You don’t know whether it’s a jumper, overalls, a bra, or a pair of underwear. You’re stumped. Good thing you have your BFF there to try to sort it out. And put it on your head while taking more selfies. You may or may not have tried to put it on the mannequin, too.

7. You should get this for your mom/sister/boyfriend. Both of you know each other’s peeps so well that when the holidays come around, you can give educated opinions on what to get them. Well, you got him a lava lamp last year, and he’s clearly not over his retro phase so…plasma ball?

8. You can use my coupon. Ah, the holy grail of shopping with friends. One of you always has a coupon, and somehow convinces the lady to let both of you use it…even if it is expired. Really? It’s expired? but I JUST printed it…wow. Do you think we could still use it, just this once? We shop here all the time. All the time.

9. That doesn’t fit? Sizing must be off. To other people, the thing didn’t fit because maybe it’s not your size. To your BFF, the thing didn’t fit because that company obviously made a mistake. I can’t believe that isn’t fitting. I can’t believe these people. I swear they make the sizes smaller and smaller. No, you are amazing. That brand is ridiculous.  

10. We can both get it. In different colors. As much as the thought of showing up to a public place with your BFF in the same exact thing gives you anxiety, sometimes you both fall in love with one particular thing. It’s cool. You get the blue, I’ll get the green, and we’ll just text each other to coordinate the days we wear it.

…But some days, when you’re alone, you both put on the thing and pretend you’re twins while posing back to back.

23 Reasons to Bow Down to Pumpkin Season

Ah, fall. Nothing marks the first few murmurs of the pumpkin season like a pumpkin on someone’s porch, desk, or dinner table. The pumpkin, though most of the time it just seems to sit comfortably, minding its own business, really does a lot for us. For this I believe we owe it thanks.

  1.  Pumpkin spice lattesLiquefied deliciousness.
  2.  They’re so damn cheery. You brighten my day. Flowers be damned.
  3.  They come in so many different sizes. Pumpkin on the stoop, pumpkin on my desk, pumpkin in my bathroom, pumpkin on my keychain.
  4.  The seedsThey’re chock full of magnesium! You need magnesium.
  5.  They take on a starring role in CinderellaWithout it, she would have never gotten to the ball.
  6.  It’s the world’s most favorite pet name. What’s wrong, Pumpkin? Now now, Pumpkin. Aww, Pumpkin, you shouldn’t have!
  7.  Pumpkins are versatile. Pumpkin ravioli, pumpkin soup, pumpkin pie, pumpkin beer…pumpkin beeeer.
  8.  Activities revolve around the pumpkin. Pumpkin picking, pumpkin carving, pumpkin painting, pumpkin smashing…Smashing Pumpkins.
  9.  They’re the subject of so many great Children’s books. Too Many Pumpkins, Pumpkin Soup, The Runaway Pumpkin…
  10.  When someone dresses as a pumpkin for Halloween, it’s so darn cute. No matter what age they are.
  11.  They stay fresh forever. We can keep that thing for two months if we want to.
  12.  They can be dressed up or dressed down. Ever put a bowtie on a pumpkin? How about overalls? It’s easier than dressing a dog.
  13.  They’re the perfect gift. Who can say No to a pumpkin? Fascists, that’s who.
  14.  Pumpkins know how to listen. You can talk to one all day. They don’t change the subject or try to fix anything. But they can also keep a secret better than anybody.
  15.  And they provide more American jobs. They’re native to North America – Finally, something that doesn’t have to be imported.
  16.  They can protect you. Thousands of years ago, Jack-o-lanterns were used to ward against bad spirits. If it was good enough for people then, it’s good enough for people now.
  17.  They make us feel skinny. The largest pumpkin weighed over 2,000 pounds. That really puts the pizza splurge this weekend into perspective.
  18.  They’re quite the conversation starter. How about them pumpkins? Why, they’re very orange this year, aren’t they?
  19.  You can roll them. No need to throw out your back – just roll that sucker down the hill and into the back of the pickup.
  20.  They always photograph well. Give me sexy, give me sexy… pumpkin season is sexy. 
  21.  They’re low maintenance. No watering, no pruning. Just give them a surface and they’re good.
  22.  They have inspired extreme sports. Some compete in Pumpkin Chunkin, a sport in which teams build catapults that are designed to chuck a pumpkin the farthest.
  23.  The Pumpkin has saved countless lives. Pumpkins helped the Native Americans and early settlers survive long, cold winters when nothing else was available.


If you’ve read all of this irrefutable evidence of the pumpkin’s amazingness and you still don’t like pumpkins, well…I guess haters just gonna hate. Enjoy pumpkin season.

14 Super Impressive Drunk Things We Do With Our Best Friends

Drinking And BFFS

While drinking, there are some things that just seem to happen more when our best friends are around. Maybe it’s a false sense of security, maybe we just rage harder with them than with anyone else – but we sometimes end up attempting very impressive feats of drunkenness. And by impressive, I really mean a host of things:

1. We’ll say things we would normally never, 

ever say under normal circumstances. I could hook up with Johnny Depp. I could. If he were here right now, I would totally just go up to him and also F*ck him.

2. We will attempt to sing 

a karaoke song we have no business singing: OOOOOOOOHHHH We’re halfway there, O-Oh! living on a praaaayyyyerrr take my hand, we’ll make it I swear…

3. We will either deface public property

 or steal something completely useless: Hey, I totally wrote our names in the bathroom last night. What is a STOP sign doing in my room? 

4. We will flirt with people

we have no business flirting with, for a while: Ah, that sounds fascinating. So when you’re breeding the cockroaches, are you wearing hazmat suits or do you just work in your own clothes? 

Chivalry Isn't Dead, You're Just Dating Douchelords

Although the title couldn’t sum it up better, it first has to be said that chivalry is not something that has died, but evolved. In the past, men felt pressure to be chivalrous – so whether they liked it or not, they did it because, well, everyone else was doing it.

I suppose many women define chivalry in different ways, but for me, it means going out of your way to show a woman you want to take care of her, and impress her with your kindness and generosity.

This can be done in simple ways, like offering a coat if she’s cold, opening doors, sending flowers, paying the bill. It can be done in more grand ways, like sending romantic gifts to her office, asking to dance out of the blue, surprising her with a heartfelt letter.

What happened to chivalry is, the societal pressure was taken off – so men who were not naturally chivalrous (i.e. kind and generous), were now free to act however they please.

This does us a huge favor. Women of the past had to practically marry a man before she saw his true colors, because there was so much pressure for him to show decorum. Now there’s no such thing, and so the men who are truly classy will stand out.

If you’re in a predicament where you’ve dated man after man, and none of them have showed that they are willing to think for anyone but themselves, then you’ve just been dating the wrong men. In all likelihood, you’re a kind and generous woman who deserves a lot better, despite what you believe.

It may be harder to find good men out there now, since men have so much license to be as obnoxious as they want – but all you need is one good man. Just one. You’re probably not going to find him immediately, but there are enough of them out there.

You’re going to have to weed through a lot – this you probably already know. Don’t give up hope, though. Finding a chivalrous man is well worth it.

The really terrible thing that people like to assume is that, because we enjoy chivalry, we’re not feminists. I disagree. I think that respecting ourselves enough to want a man who is going to treat us with the highest possible regard is very feminist. It shows we value ourselves and take interest in our own future, as well as the future of whatever family we wish to create.

Men say to us, Why should we? Why should we be chivalrous? Those are the wrong men. They don’t get it, they’ll never get it. Ask a chivalrous man why he’s chivalrous and he’ll probably say something like, Because I love women, and I think they deserve all of the kindness a man can offer.

Men who ask why they should be chivalrous should ask themselves if they truly love women, or if they are only capable of loving themselves.

They’re just not emotionally mature enough to be a valid partner. All too often now, we see women who are willing to take care of a man in so many ways, but men can’t be bothered to lift a finger. Open the door? Why should I? Pay the bill? Why should I? As if we’re the ones asking them out, as if we’re vying for their attention.

We’re not. A note to men: If you desire us, treat us that way. Like you desire us – not like you’ve hired us. 

10 Reasons to Date the Proud Know It All

The know it all has gotten a bad rap. He or she is usually portrayed as a snobby elitist with a huge attitude who happens to irritate everyone in their path with their corrections and their definitions. But they’ve really been pegged wrong. 

More than anything else, the know it all has a thirst for knowledge. They are inquisitive, curious, they have a thirst for life and all of its little details. They are passionate people, and love it when the person they’re with is just as passionate. 

  1. They almost never need to look at their phone, because they already are aware of everything in it. They don’t need to Google the question you just asked, they already know. They answer it straight away. 

2. They always get really excited when you express interest in doing something educational, like going to a museum or watching a documentary. It may seem boring at first, but they make it fun with their commentary and quick wit. 

3. It’s really fun when you actually get to correct the know it all for once. It only happens once in a blue moon, but it does happen, and they get super embarrassed. 

4. The know it all will make sure every detail of every birthday, anniversary or event is covered and taken care of. They never leave anything to chance and always have a backup plan. 


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5. You know the know it all will make a very informative parent. 

6. He or she will improve you as a person, for they will surely train you out of saying you’re when you meant your or their when you meant there. 

7. They point out things you wouldn’t have thought of about current events, a political race or even a sci-fi movie and in doing so, they add dimension to your life. 

8. Since they’re so fond of reading, they have probably read a few sex books as well and know some tricks no one else does. 

9. They won’t forget the things you tell them in terms of your likes/dislikes, and they will change their behavior very quickly. 

10. They will make it a point to remember the names of all of the important people in your life. Because they know that those people could become the important people in their life as well.

16 Things You'll Only Understand if You're Stone-Faced on the Outside and Emotional on the Inside

You know as well as anyone how to keep your feelings hidden. It’s truly rare for you to betray your poker face. The result is, people usually have no idea how you feel about them. This can be a good or a bad thing.

On the upside, the people you absolutely despise will have no idea you don’t like them, and that you think they’re borderline touched in the head. On the downside, the people you actually like will also have no idea, so you’ll have to go out of your way to show them you like them: 

People are constantly asking you what you’re thinking.

You’re amazed at your ability to sit silently, when what you really want to do is throw tomatoes in the faces of others. 

At sad movies, you know you’re supposed to cry and you are sad, but somehow the tears just don’t come. 

You struggle, but manage not to roll your eyes when other people really deserve it. 

Your fine face and your angry face are indistinguishable to others. 

Your first instinct when people insult you is to do nothing. Just let it pass. 

Since apparently people think you’re invisible, they say things they shouldn’t when they’re around you about other people. 

Just because you’re not reacting to it, doesn’t mean you can’t hear it. 

When someone expresses affection for you, on the inside you’re so happy but you have no idea how to show it. 

You often come off as apathetic, or even sarcastic, because of your lack of enthusiasm. 

You don’t have resting bitch face – it’s more like resting statue face. 

Other people have more respect for you because you exercise so much restraint. 

You do sometimes wish you wore your heart on your sleeve. 

But being able to hide your feelings well is kind of a superpower. 

You have lots of feelings, all the time – it’s just that they don’t show up on your face. 

You express yourself on your terms by talking or writing – and for the most part, you’re glad it’s not involuntary. 

24 Reasons Life Equals Friends Plus Alcohol

We like to go on adventures and get a little reckless. We like to party it up now, because tomorrow really isn’t promised. 

Sure, we could say things like “I don’t need alcohol to have fun,” and that is a valid point. No one needs alcohol to have fun. We do want it, though. 

1. After a hard day, you just want to kick back with your friends. 

2. Friends are there for you always, and so is Alcohol. 

3. Beer and friends just go together very well. 

4. And it’s always great to have a friend to drink that bottle of Wine or two with. 

5. That way if you get drunk, you get drunk together. 

6. You and your friends get very creative when you’re Whiskey hammered. 

7. You create nights you’ll always remember, the details of which you forget.

8. When you’re drinking, you just have the best conversations. 

9. The Tequila brings out the love. 

10. That friendly old bar is your haven, the place you go to talk about everything. 

11. Your group always manages to meet someone new at the bar,

12. And maybe bring them home later. 

13. Remember that time you went away for a week together and all you drank was Rum Punch?

14. Me neither. 

15. After you’ve had a rough go of it, friends have some comforting words. 

16. And Vodka will take care of the brain cells. 

17. This way, the unpleasant memory is fuzzier now. 

18. All of the best plans begin and end with a shot.

19. Hopefully not of Jaeger, though. You’ve learned that lesson. Maybe SoCo.

20. The best friends know how to take care of you when you get too sloshed. 

21. They’ll hold your hair back, or tie it back for you. 

22. Every celebration should be rung in with Champagne.

23. Because no one should have a party (or pregame) without it. It’s classy.

24. A good friend will buy you a drink. A best friend… will make you a drink. 

30 Thoughts You Have When Your Roommate Is a Weird Ass Motherf*cker

Unless you’re independently wealthy, you’ve probably have had a roommate, or two, or seven in your lifetime. There is no way that all of these people were normal human beings. Roommates really have range in terms of their oddness level.

There are the mostly normal roommates with a few cute quirks, there are the eccentric-but-love-them-anyway roommates, but then there are the roommates that are weird AF. Everyone has had one of these, and they are as different from one another as snowflakes are. Here are some thoughts you might have had when faced with this brand of roommate:

1. What the fuck.

2. Seriously, what the actual fuck.

3. What are they even doing in there?

4. Is that wax?

5. Where are they putting it….Nooooo.

6. The poor couch. The poor floor.

7. Who are these people with them?

8. She has locked herself in the bathroom for two hours. I smell sage and I hear incantations.

9. That can’t be good.

10. I just opened the fridge and, no joke, there’s a block of cheese with a bite mark in it.

11. It was my cheese. Of course it was.

12. So she just woke me up to tell me her and her boyfriend were going to take a shower together.

13. Could have used an extra hour of sleep.

14. It’s 1 AM. I’m watching Netflix. They come into the living room in their underpants, holding a t-shirt.

15. They proceed to wash said T-shirt in the kitchen sink. They go back to their room.

16. Are they ever going to shower?

17. …Ever?

18. That’s an upside down cross in their room.

19. They’re into some shit.

20. There’s some powder on the table.

21. Please let it be baby powder. Or baking soda.

22. What is that pickled stuff in the fridge?

23. I think it has eyes.

24. That bowl of whatever has been in the sink for two weeks.

25. It’s growing fur. No way I’m touching it.

26. Whatever music they’re playing sounds like angry cats.

27. They just came out of the bathroom. Why is EVERYTHING WET?

28. There are just drawers and drawers of plastic supermarket bags here.

29. I just changed the toilet paper roll. It’s been five hours. The roll is bare.

30. Just came home, all of their stuff is gone. No warning. Guess I was a bad roommate.

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