Author: Jennifer

Some days, I break. There are so many emotions shooting through my head like my own words are drowning me, but no one can hear me. No one can hear me gasping for breath. No one can hear me screaming for help. 

The anxiety gets so overpowering, my head just remains spinning. I can't control it; all I'm left to do is watch the spins and breathe once it's over. I look at myself in the mirror and I hardly recognize my own reflection. 

It saddens me when I can't recognize who's behind these eyes.

Other days, I'm free. From the hurt and from the pain. It doesn't hurt to breath. I'm not gasping for air under an ocean of destruction. I can look at this world and feel sane. The sky is so beautiful like God placed every piece so perfectly. 

And I'm more than happy to be here to witness it. In my head, I'm running through flower fields enjoying every ounce of my being. It's such a beautiful day, I repeat. It's such a beautiful day to be alive.

Because this world can break you, but also put you back together. Whole, and into the masterpiece you've always been. You were born to become something and even if it's too blurry to see now, it's worth the wait.

Your purpose is worth everything

Your purpose is worth more than the sleepless nights with you screaming to the sky why you have to be alive. 

Your purpose is worth more than the hurt someone passes down to you because they didn't want you anymore. 

Your purpose is worth more than the hatred words you give to yourself in the mirror when you look at yourself.

Your purpose is worth more than the dark clouds flowing over the bright sun.

Because as bad times get, the clouds eventually pass and the sun comes out so brightly again. We see the shine. Sometimes in a few hours and sometimes not until the next morning.

When we're going through something and we feel stuck, think of the clouds and think of the sun. The sun always comes back and so does the good times in life.

Let your clouds cover you, let yourself break. Let yourself burst into a million emotions because it's okay to. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to be covered in pain. 

It will shape us into someone stronger than we've ever known.

The important message is to stay. Please stay darling, stay here. Stay through the pain and the hurt. Stay through the anxiety that drains you way too far down. And stay here on the good days. 

The days where you have no worries and you breathe in nothing but happiness. Stay for the shine, because it'll come back. Even when it's too far to see.

Please just stay to see how beautiful life can be.

I didn’t cut you off because I’m some selfish “princess,” I did it because I was fed up. It was exhausting and draining to go out of my way to help you, but get nothing in return when I needed support. 

You constantly left me alone to pick up the broken pieces of myself, which is an important skill to have, but I can’t keep giving my heart away and getting hurt.

For so long, I gave up control to you. You told me who to talk to and what I should want; you minimized my feelings.

You made me believe that was real friendship, that’s why I stuck around for so long.

You always said “love you girl,” but did you really, or did you just love the way I would stick around no matter how many times you shattered me? 

Either way, after dealing with your toxic breed of ‘friendship’ for long enough, I finally had a breakthrough. I realized that anyone who truly loved me wouldn’t hurt me. 

I stood up for myself, for once. I decided that I was done putting myself last for people who didn’t care about me at all. I took my life back after reminding myself that I was the only one in control of it.

Now that you’re out of my life, all I want is for you to grow.

I want you to succeed and become someone you love, but this time, you’ll have to do it without my help. 

I’m not going to be there to catch you when you fall because I need to catch myself instead. 

I hope you find true happiness, not the kind where you’re constantly comparing your life to others’ to see who has more. 

Fall in love with your image and mind, with yourself; I did and I have to say, it’s so beautiful.

He’s going to make you happy. 

You two meet for the first time and you’re going to have such confused and mixed feelings. “I just met him, but things feel right,” or “his smile just makes everything not so dark.” Those thoughts are going to shoot through your brain more than anything else. 

You’re going to fall for him. He’s going to make you feel so important. He’s going to make you feel like the princess of the world. There will never be anyone better and more beautiful than you.

Then you two fight and it feels like you’re sinking. 

“I care for this man so much, why are we fighting?” You’re going to feel helpless. You’re going to be made to feel like it’s your fault. 

All he wanted to do was this or that. He makes you feel like you’re the one that’s blowing everything out of proportion, that you’re the one who’s crazy.

Then you will apologize—for his coward ways.

If it’s the first few fights, he will say sorry. But once you keep hearing it, the meaning behind it will fade. You’ll overhear it. You’ll learn to hate it.

When you two get a few drinks, you will see how hurt he really is. He will tell you everything that he hates about himself and life and all you want to do is hold him. 

Hold him until his pieces are back together, but the problem with that is he doesn’t try to help you with it. When you try helping him so much, he doesn’t try to help himself.

You will feel alone. 

You will feel helpless again. “I care about this man so much, there has to be something I can do.” Through the whole six months back and forth, those thoughts shot through my head. They haunted me.

You will learn his dangerous habits and try to help him break them.

But he doesn’t seem to try to break them for himself. So you give it everything you have and it’s still not enough.

You will be left with nothing, and this is when you start feeling empty. Feeling as if life isn’t fair. You can’t understand why you feel this way because all you’ve ever done was try to help people.

You’ve allowed an entrance in your mind for someone who will damage you. Break you.  

“Love isn’t supposed to be this way. Love is supposed to be kind. Love is supposed to be happy.” You start to get lost in your thoughts and wonder when was the last time you two had this. 

“When did everything start to change? When did things start to fall apart?” Words will drain you. You’ll want to talk about it, but he’ll just shrug it off and say, “Let’s just talk about this later,” or “I just wanted to have a good time with you.”

He’ll leave you feeling crazy.

It’s been a few weeks since I found the courage to walk away. To leave everything we’ve had or we’ve been through behind. It took me six months to get this courage. Some days are harder than others. Some days are easier than others.

I didn’t write this in the hopes that your relationship with him will crash.

I wrote this as closure. I guess for myself and you. Because even though he was once mine and I swore to myself we were going to make it one day, he’s yours now. 

You’re his future, and even though I still hold anger here and there over unresolved thoughts, I do hope you help him. I hope you break the cycle. I hope you do glue his broken pieces back together.

Because I do love him. 

There’s something about him you won’t be able to get over, you’ll find that sometime along the way.

I don’t hold resentment towards you, and I don’t hate you. All I wish to you is to help him succeed.

To help him get past his dark past that haunts him when he drinks.

To make him happier than I ever did.

I just hope you’re the one that makes him into the man he’s always wanted to become. Even better, to give him the motivation to become the man he’s always wanted to become.

Because that’s something I wasn’t able to do, and that’s okay.

Maybe that role was made for you.