Author: Jennifer Helie

I wish I could see you through my son’s eyes. How his face lights up when he sees your face, how he still remembers exactly who you are, how he sees you and doesn’t wonder why things never worked out. 

You see, today I woke up and I looked into those big brown eyes of his and wondered how I was so blessed to have him in my life. Yet, you woke up, went to work and sent a few snaps throughout the day. Never have you asked how he is. Never have you stayed awake at night wondering how he and I are doing. 

I took him to the park today. You could have been part of that. At one point you wanted so badly to be a strong male figure in his life. So you now get to miss out on his first ball game, when he takes the training wheels off, and when he wants to help in the garage. That’s on you. 

The crazy thing is, you were so blessed to have him in your life even if it was for such a short time. 

Day after day I look at him and wonder if I will ever be able to bless his life in the way that he has mine. Are you thankful for his sweet smile that once traveled to your face when you looked at him? Are you thankful for all the love and happiness that we brought to your life during those months? 

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and what we could have been. Not a moment passes that I don’t wonder if we could have been a happy ever after. 

My son though, he looks at the phone and says your name. His face lights up like you wouldn’t believe. When you chose to be part of his life even for that short amount of time, you made an impact. It wasn’t just a one-sided deal. Of course, you were lucky to know him, but he was lucky to know you. The day you decided to walk away from us was the same day you decided to give up on that little boy.

I get it, you’re still young, you want your own family one day. Mine was too much for you. But you don’t do that. You don’t get to choose how someone feels after you walk away. As for my son, he doesn’t understand and for that, I am forever thankful. 

I wish I could have his heart. I wish I could forgive the way he does. 

Because now I don’t trust you, and I’m not sure as I would ever put my little boy in that situation again no matter how hard I love you. 

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Shameless is like a car wreck, you hate to watch but you just can’t stop. It’s the most addicting show on TV probably because of how brutally honest their characters are.  They make our jaws drop and go, “welp, that was aggressive” but we love every second of it.

1. Veronica: “So, no more Tinder?”

Fiona: “No, V. I’m done with it. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink in a club bathroom, scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster with my underwear scraped around my ankles.”

Okay, so maybe not quite this quote exactly, but we can all agree on putting an end to Tinder. 

2. Amanda Milkovich (Emma Greenwell): “Just because we were born here, doesn’t mean that we end up here.”

Some days it feels like we don’t have control over anything happening. This one reminds us we are always in control. 

3. Ian Gallagher: “Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting what we want, that we forget to ask ourselves why we wanted it in the first place.”

Truth. Just the plain truth. 

4. “Steve: About 90% of this world’s problems are caused by little words that come in pairs. We’re healthy and we’re happy… Yet when anybody asks us, we say not bad.”

Honesty is the best policy… 

5. Lip Gallagher: “I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you!” 

I’m almost certain we can all relate to this one!

6. Monica Jean Gallagher: “I don’t wanna be me anymore.” 

It is what it is, and sometimes we all feel that way. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. 

7. Debbie Gallagher: “I know who I love and I know what I want, even if you don’t”

I mean, who do people think they are trying to judge us for who we love!?

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You're weak. You're making excuses. You can leave anytime you want. 

You are absolutely right. I can leave. You're pissed off at me because I keep running back to the only thing I know, yet you have never lifted a finger to help me stay away. You have never asked me if I'm okay. 

How the hell are you going to judge me for staying in an abusive relationship you know nothing about? Furthermore, you have never asked questions about. You have never showed an interest in finding out what I have been through in the past. 

The food in my kids mouths, the roof over their head, the clothes on their back; those things are not fucking free. 

Last time I checked I didn't get handouts. You do what you have to do for your babies. If that means that I have to deal with the yelling, the insults, the blows to my head. I WILL. I don't see you blowing up my phone with questions. I see you pointing your finger at me. I hear you calling me stupid. 

You broke my heart. You pretended like you actually gave a fuck, and then you stopped. Maybe you didn't want to know about the time I dropped to the floor with my infant because my breathing was cut off by the one person who was supposed to love and protect me. The infant that you adored when he was almost 2. Or did you not want to know about the time it was Christmas Day and because I defended my child I was repeatedly punched until I just sat down and gave up. 

Before you judge me, before you tell people how horrible I am, before you decide you hate me because I went back again,

Please ask yourself this time what you did to help me stay away. 

Ask yourself why you're condemning me for trying to provide for my babies, yet just sitting back and not even wondering if I'm okay. 

For a while there you really had me fooled. The compliments were pouring in, I hadn't felt so good about myself in years, and I was finally learning to love my body. You really seemed so genuine. 

Never in my life have I ever met someone who disgusted me more than you. 

Everyone tried to warn me. They all told me about your past. Every single person I mentioned your name to told me to run the other way while I could. 

I didn't get it. You made me feel so beautiful, so wanted. 

Why didn't I listen? I'm sitting here now wondering what is so wrong with me for you to hurt me so badly. My mind races with all manner of self-deprecating questions.

Why wasn't I worth your effort? Was I too curvy for you, too pushy? Everything you said to me, were they all lies? Why didn't you want me after all that time? Why was it so easy for you to change your mind and walk away? 

You have made me question my self-worth far more than I would like to ever admit. 

I guess I should have paid closer attention to the warning signs. Now that I think about it, I did notice you were always looking at other girls and talking about other girls. Constantly on your phone but always making sure it was tilted just enough so nothing was visible.

So what was the point of building me up so high just to be the reason I would come crashing down? I look in the mirror every day and pick myself apart wondering if you would have stayed if I looked better.

I want you to know that although I feel like this right now, it won't last forever. You see, you can temporarily break me down but I will get back up. 

And when I do darling, I will be the prettiest you have ever seen me. I will find my confidence and wear it like diamonds around my neck. 

When you finally understand that you're never going to find a perfect looking woman, don't come find me. I'll be with the man who thought my imperfections were beautiful. 

Dating is hard enough without worrying that the guy you're on a date with is just a fuckboy trying to get laid. Sometimes the signs can be hard to read with fuckboys, so we all need a guide on these kinds of things.

Here's 5 ways you know he's for real.

1. He's always looking at you first.

Every time you look over at him he's always looking at you first. He'll give you that little smirk and look away as if to make it look like it was no big deal. 

Trust me, it's a big deal. If it's a constant thing, he's watching you move. He's watching how you react to certain things. Seeing what makes you tick. 

2. He tells his friends about you.

Of course, if the sex is great he's going to talk. That's just normal I guess. 

But if he's talking about how happy he is when you're around, that's something girl. He's really into you if he's telling the boys he may see a future with you. 

3. He gets jealous when you mention other guys.

I know, I know. This one is a touchy subject. I don't mean he doesn't want you around other guys. 

But if he gets a little irritated when you're mentioning that guy that won't stop asking you out, he doesn't want you seeing anyone else. 

At this point, it's his call but if he's really into you, he will make it official so that you're "off limits". 

4. He wants to spend the night with you with no strings attached. 

Let's be real. These days all most guys want are a good piece of ass before they get up in the morning and sneak out of your place like he just robbed a damn bank. 

If your guy wants to Netflix and Chill and seriously means just that you're already winning. Text the bestie and let her know you've found the one. 

Okay, just kidding but seriously this guy means business. 

5. He's seen your crazy side and didn't run.

I mean, maybe it was just a drunk text you sent to him about how you think he's just wanting to hookup, he's not serious, he's just like every other guy, etc. But he's seen it. 

He dealt with it. And he's still around. 

This guy definitely wants more than a hookup, so give him a break. Ease up on the crazy and give him credit where it's deserved. There may be other fish in the sea, but you got this one hooked. 

Be Mine. Date Me. I want you. 

I’m so fucking sick of these words. Every time I think I’m moving on with my life, here you come again storming in with those stupid little words. 

You want me to be yours? 

Lies. Lies. Lies. 

Listen up bud. We keep playing this game of charades. Only I’m the only one guessing. Wondering what version of you I’ll see next. 

Will you be the sweet talker today who tells me how beautiful I am? 

Will you surprise me and be the dickhead who ignores me all day? 

Ooh Ooh, or will you be the guy who tells me how badly he wants to be with me and then ignores me after I say something that’s seriously been on my mind? 

Wait, Let me answer! 

NOPE! Today you won’t be any of these. Why? Because I’m so over your little games. I will no longer be a prisoner of your confused mind. 

It’s funny how you always turn things around on me. Always telling me to make up my mind when in all reality it was you who needed to do just that. 

One day it’s all smiles and I think maybe this will all work. But, I’m brought straight back down to reality the next day when you decide to blatantly disregard anything that’s truly bothering me. 

If in fact you actually wanted to be with me sweetheart, you wouldn’t ignore these feelings. You wouldn’t ignore me at all. 

You definitely wouldn’t make me feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. 

I’m sick of your fuckboy ways. I’m tired of the lies. I’m fed up with not being able to speak my fucking mind. 

How can I even think about being with someone who hurts me before the actual relationship!? Yep, that’s definitely a red flag if I ever saw one! 

My point is, you don’t want me, you don’t want me to be yours. You love the attention you get from me. You love how I make you feel. 

Now go away and let me be happy, because while I can hear the words coming from your mouth I can’t see the actions backing it all up. 

I never imagined my life this way and I’m not sorry for being pissed off. 

Growing up I wasn’t the little girl who dreamed of a big fairytale wedding. I was the girl racing the boys on bikes, playing with trucks and throwing a baseball around with my little brother.  I was the girl in the garage with Dad instead of in the kitchen with Mom. Needless to say, boys were gross. 

Of course in my teens I was boy crazy. Not like “Oh I want a relationship” crazy but more like “He’s a cutie, let’s see if I can make it more than two weeks” crazy. Still, I had no interest in the whole marriage thing all these other girls dreamed of. 

Life as I imagined would be perfect. Go to college, date guys (yes multiple), travel and then begin a career. All I needed was a cute little house in the country, plenty of money for my shopping habit and NO CHILDREN. I seriously promised myself that I would never have children even if I gave into marriage. 

Sounds perfect right? Never answering to anyone, walking around my house in whatever I wanted, never having to care for anyone or care what anyone thought of me. 

HA! 

Who the hell was I kidding!!? Here I am now, four kids, a husband and I’m a stay at home Mom. Far cry from the life I imagined. 

Yes I’m pissed. I truthfully never gave myself a chance to live life the way I had planned out. 

Now I answer to FIVE people every day. Toys R Us is probably my second home, I drive a seven passenger vehicle, I can sing the Paw Patrol song as well as my 2 year old, and little league is my idea of entertainment. 

Yep. Not how I imagined life. And some days I wonder why the hell I settled down so young, but it’s only for a minute. 

Truthfully, I couldn’t imagine one single day without these kids. I honestly thought I just wasn’t fit to be a Mom. Then my little girl looked into my eyes and I knew from that moment on I would do everything in my power to make sure I was the best Mom I could possibly be to her. 

Life doesn’t always turn out as we planned. Love happens, Marriage happens, Babies happen. 

Maybe I’m not on vacation in Italy checking out all the gorgeous men, but I’m here on my sofa watching my baby read and that will make my heart melt more than any Italian, any day. 

I'm bipolar. Not fucking crazy. Stop telling me I'm being ridiculous. 

Yes, I will be positive and happy one day and the next day I may think the world is against me. 

Let me just tell you how much it irritates me when you tell me to stop overreacting. Oh yes, let me just shut my fucking brain off for you so that you can feel comfortable. News Flash! It's not that simple. My mind will call the shots. I do not control that, but you can help in making my episodes a little less stressful. 

Learn to understand my illness. And YES it is an illness. If you are genuinely interested in helping me than you need to understand how my brain works. 

One day I might make plans to travel the world and truly believe that I can achieve this in a month. As unrealistic as this may seem to you, to me it seems more than possible. 

Another day I may scream, throw things, drink until I blackout, accuse you of betraying me and ruin friendships, jobs, money situations, etc. In my head at that moment I honestly think there is a reason to stress and be so destructive. Telling me I'm crazy and to calm down WILL NOT help the situation. 

There are also days where the depression will get to me and I may not understand why. I might lay in bed for days and cry without having a clue what is wrong. Please understand this and don't push me to get up and move on with life. This will only trigger the manic stage. 

I am not crazy. It is also not my job to make you feel comfortable with my illness. That is on you. You can choose to stay or choose to go. Just stop trying to change me. I'm not your fucking project. 

Fairytale love just doesn’t exist. But by all means you made me believe that I truly could love again and that it could be great. 

I found you when I was bruised and broken, yet you brought me back to life. In every single stare, the smile you would give me when I looked your way, the feeling that ran through me when you wrapped your arms around me. It all made me believe that I could love beyond words. 

You picked up the shattered pieces of my heart and put them back together with your corny lines, amazing hugs and those perfect blue eyes I would catch staring at me when I wasn’t looking. 

I didn’t fall for you right away which made it so much more. Every minute spent with you I would find another reason I couldn’t walk away. I would try to push you away because who the hell am I to deserve you? But every single time you would come back. 

Except for this time. You’re gone now and I truly think it’s forever. I think I finally pushed you away too far this time. And that’s okay. 

See, after I fell for you it was no longer a chase. You stopped making me believe it was real and started turning me into a broken mess. Before you, I was broken. But after you, I was shattered. I’m picking up the pieces day by day. I’m trying to understand that maybe it was never meant to be. I imagined so much more with you, and now it’s gone. 

But one thing stays darling. You made me fall in love again. You made me believe that love is real. You helped me feel comfortable in my own skin which is so much more than you could ever imagine. I could never thank you enough for making me truly believe I am beautiful, despite my flaws. 

And love, I can never say thank you enough for making me believe that love is magic. Maybe not a fairytale, but it’s absolutely magic. 

Love Always,

The girl you saved.