She betrayed our friendship the worst ways and then came crawling back to me after a long time of not speaking, waving the white flag. She, who had been the biggest backstabber of all, reached out after I had almost erased her betrayal from my heart and memory. 

At first, I thought it was an apology, but the more and more I reread her message, I realized it wasn’t an apology at all. It was more of wanting to clear her guilty conscience.

At first, it seemed sweet of her, but then I remembered who I was really dealing with. She is the sneakiest snake of them all, and she’s so good at being two-faced, that I almost started to believe it. 

Her betrayal has really changed my heart. I can no longer  trust people like I used to anymore. The fact that someone who could be so close to me and could turn against me so quickly really marked me for life. It now makes me question people's loyalty and overall trust. I'm more guarded when it comes to which friends I allow to get close to me. 

No way I will fall for it again so her sincerity seems questionable to me now. How her stone cold heart just made a miraculous recovery is beyond me. I guess I just have a hard time believing that after all this time, she’s been thinking about me. That she’s been plagued by guilt and desperately needed to get it off her chest. 

I have a hard time believing anything that comes spewing out of her mouth. I will not allow my good heart to be betrayed again, not by her or anyone. I learned my lesson. 

When I needed her the most, she turned her back on me. She played both sides and told me that she loved me and would always be there for me. But she was the total opposite of there for me.

Why now? Why all of a sudden does she feel the need to reach out, to attempt to make amends? There's no amending anything – what little friendship we had in the beginning has managed to fleet. The wounds will always be there – scarred over as a lingering reminder of the hurt. 

It'll always be her knife that cut the deepest. Her sorry attempt to salvage our friendship is despicable. What kind of a person would I be if I just allowed that toxicity back into my life? 

Wishing me the best in life is not an apology. Despite hating her to the very core, I managed to muster up a cool reply, "Thank you, hope all is well." I mean that, I do. I wouldn't wish ill-intent on anyone (even though she deserves it), but I refuse to reopen that chapter of my life. 

I just finished healing, I just moved on. I just accepted that horrible things happen to good people sometimes and that's all there is to it, and now she wants to weasel her way back in? 

Nope, sorry. Never going to happen. 

Part of me thinks she wanted something, that she needed my help or she wanted all the gossip on my life. But she lost that opportunity the moment she twisted that knife into my back, and she can't just come back in and try to rip it out. 

I’m not telling my story to play the role of the victim. I’m telling my story so I don’t have to stay silent about it anymore, so that others will find their strength and stand up for themselves, too.

Both times it’s happened, I didn’t see it coming.

The first time, it was a beautiful Autumn night, under a full moon at the beach. And the second time, it was cold and pouring rain.

That’s just the thing with sexual assault or harassment, it can happen anytime, anyplace and to anyone. I just didn’t believe it.

Then it happened to me, too.

The first time it happened with a new friend who took me out to shake off my rough day. My uncle had just died, and my boyfriend and I had broken up and for the first time, Wednesday night just felt so lonely.

He started off as supportive and thoughtful, and then he drove me to the beach. I guess I should’ve realized his expectations when he drove me to “his spot” and put the car in park. I wanted to get out and walk around, and he wanted a bottle of wine and good time. Our good times just weren’t the same.

I refused to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, and I wasn’t comfortable being there, at all, with him anymore.

That’s when he told me though, that a ride home was going to cost me.

It happened again, with a different person, at a house party I probably should’ve never been at. I was the designated driver and I was trying to do the right thing and make sure my friends were safe, that I didn't realize I was vulnerable.

I was content watching TV in the mansion my friends and I pulled up to while my friends smoked weed and shot gunned beers in the closet.

Then Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome himself walked in, and I was in awe of his charm and good looks. He was being hospitable, or so I thought, and asked if I’d like a tour of the house until my friends were ready to go.

Who’s going to turn down a tour of a mansion? It was the biggest house I’d ever seen.

I just didn’t realize the tour would stop in the lavender, third room on the right. Nor did I realize the door would lock. From the outside.

I’m okay, and in both situations, I was okay. I was fortunate enough that I was able to protect myself and my body, despite having to take part in some form, of the other person’s “expectations.”

But what isn’t okay is that I blamed myself. I blamed myself for being in the wrong places at the wrong time with the wrong people. I blamed myself being so naïve and thinking every person I met was a good human being. I blamed myself for voluntarily entering vulnerable situations. I convinced myself that I asked for it. I didn't though, and neither did you.

But moreso than all of that, I blame myself for never telling my story. For staying silent about a topic that deserves the loudest voice.

My hope, is that by printing my story for the first time, that this topic becomes less taboo. My hope, is that it becomes more than just a hashtag.

Sexual harassment is real, and it’s everywhere. Its victims are female and its victims are males. Its victims are children, teenagers and adults – it does not discriminate.

Don't be afraid to stand up for youself. Yell, scream and shout your story at the top of your lungs. Say no when you want to say no.  

Don't stay quiet, because I, like so many others who have whispered, hear you.

I was never anything but transparent about how I felt about you. But you, on the other hand, had your doubts. You weren’t sure if I was what you wanted, you didn’t know if I was worth it to you. 

Nonetheless, your doubt plagued me. 

While you were catching your breath, and taking a moment to collect your thoughts in an attempt to decipher your feelings toward me, I was just… there. Waiting for you. Trying to keep myself busy until you decided I was the one you wanted to be with.  

I kept telling myself you’d get it together and you’d find your way back to me once you felt sturdy enough. 

But while you were busy figuring out what you wanted, I realized what I didn’t.

I didn’t want someone who wasn’t sure they wanted me. I didn’t want to have to convince you that I cared for you or have to continuously try to prove to you I would never hurt you.

Your lack of security and faith in me wasn’t something I could sway. You were searching for something, some type of a sign that I’d be the right choice for you. Me simply saying so wasn’t enough. And I didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t just take a chance on me. 

More than ever, I knew I didn’t want to have to convince someone to love me.

I wanted someone who loved me with confidence and didn't care who knew it. Someone who looks at me and is damn proud to call me his girl. I wanted someone who knows with every ounce of their being that this is the right move. 

I'd spent so much time trying to let you in when you were slowly shutting me out, and it finally dawned on me that it wasn't fair. 

So, while you were figuring out that you needed me, I was regaining my independence.

How could I sit back and wait for someone who turned on me so quickly, without any warning, and for no just reason? 

I didn’t even have an opportunity to dispute your confusion. You just sort of ghosted until you were stable enough to find your way back. 

And I didn’t want to be left hanging in limbo until you decided you were ready. I wasn’t going to lose myself over someone who could cut me out like I never existed only to expect me to be patiently waiting for him to come back.

While you taking your sweet time to realize how much you loved me, I was drifting further and further away, ultimately realizing that I had completely fallen out of love with you. 

I don’t really know what you thought was going to happen. The world doesn’t revolve around you and your uncertainty, it isn’t going to stop spinning for you to make your next move. 

You don’t get to play with people’s hearts and press pause whenever you feel like it, life doesn’t work like that.  

But maybe you were right to have doubts though because while you were working yours out, a few of my own crept in. And just as I predicted, you came back in with your head clear, knowing exactly what you wanted. But it was too late. 

I know what I want now too and it's definitely not you anymore.

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Some of the longest and toughest roads I've ever traveled down were filled with infidelities and betrayals. They were filled with some of the saddest love stories and the most heartbreaking experiences, that no person should ever have to encounter. 

And unfortunately, I somehow had to endure them all. 

So, I promised myself I’d never fall in love ever again. It turns out though, that all the great loves of my life were just lessons and stepping stones that lead me to my real one and only – you.

Unexpectedly, you whisked into my life like a soft midsummer breeze. I felt it happening and it was the first time in my life that I couldn’t control it. My connection with you ran deeply and passionately and our chemistry was like something out of a movie. It was otherworldly. 

For the first time in my life, I just felt good, all thanks to you.

But maybe your road up until you met me had been paved with just as much heartache and betrayal as mine. Maybe your guard was up too high to be knocked down by anyone. Maybe you just weren’t ready.

Because there was no convincing you that you’re the only person I’d ever want to face the unknown with, or that you were the person I’d been waiting my whole life for.

It wasn’t because we were incompatible, or that we didn’t share interests, or that we didn’t have the same intentions. 

The problem was that we were all of those things and you weren’t certain how to proceed. I'll admit it was a lot and suddenly. It felt almost impractical to you, to fall in love with me so quickly when we were going to face nothing but challenges. 

I promised up and down I’d never leave, no matter what obstacles got in our way. I vowed to give you my all despite any sacrifices that may mean I’d have to make. 

But that wasn’t enough for you, your past has scarred you so deeply that there was no getting away from it. And to protect your heart you did what you had to and you let me go.

And because I love you so much, I’m trying to fulfill your wishes. I’m trying to stay gone.  But I don't dare unlove you, because worse than any heartbreak I’ve ever felt, is the twinge in my heart each and every time I try not to love you.

I want to give you your space and your time and let you go, too. But I keep clinging to the hope that we’ll meet again someday, even if as only friends. I keep trying to let you go, but it’s destroying me.

For your sake, I’m attempting to convince myself this was all an illusion, that we didn’t have the connection we’re both fighting. But, I know I've never felt something so real before.

I’m trying not to worry about you or think about you every second of every day. I’m trying not to wonder what you’re up to, or if you’re happy, or if you're okay.

With every ounce of my soul, greater than every wish I’ve ever made, on every single shooting star, I want you to be so happy. You deserve to be happier than even I could make you, because, simply put, you’re amazing.

And if the only way to truly make you happy is to let you go, then I’ll try like hell to honor your wishes because you deserve everything that life has to offer. 

I can endure one final heartbreak at the hands of the one man in this world who really and truly loves me if it means you can find your happiness.

I want to be able to just straight up ask you what are we, but I don’t have the balls.

We’re somewhere between friends and being more, but I don’t think either of us really knows what’s going on.

But just so you know, this in between is literally killing me. 

Because when it’s just us two and my head lay on your chest with your heartbeat echoing in my ear, it’s as if no one else exists. I could stay in that moment forever with you.

With you by my side, every anxious thought every worry I once had disappears. Just by being you, you consume me in the best way.

But once you leave, I feel this empty feeling. And honestly, I know why.

Because there have been one too many texts left on read, and two too many Snapchats left “Opened at 11:03 am.”

You make me feel like I’m your last priority, like the time we just spent together, that meant the absolute world to me, meant less than nothing to you.

I’m not asking for much here, I just need a little clarity.

I need to know if you want this because I can’t keep living each day waiting for you to come around, waiting for your text, waiting for you to show me this could be something more.

When will it be my turn to get a “good morning” text from you? Or “have a nice day.” Why am I the one who is putting in all of the efforts?

Am I pathetic for wanting something more out of this when I already feel like I know the answer to my question I have been dying to ask you?

All I know is that my feelings for you are real and I think we could be something really great if you’d let us.

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His entire life, it had always just been him. He needed a minute to gather his thoughts and stabilize his emotions. You see, he wasn’t used to having someone care about him.

He had been so used to having everyone leave that when I didn’t, he forced me to.

The problem wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, too, the problem was he wasn’t sure how to. He didn’t expect to have all of the feelings he was having, and so soon no less. He didn’t want me to leave, but he wanted to guard himself in case I inevitably decided to do so.

He was guarding his own heart, not caring that he was breaking mine.

What he didn’t understand was that by shutting down, he was pushing me away. There’s not much I can’t handle, but feeling punished for loving someone is where I draw the line. 

I wasn’t leaving because I couldn’t handle him or his lifestyle; I was leaving because he was treating me coldly, differently. 

He was the one person in my life who made me feel twenty-four-seven genuinely good and caring for him just suddenly hurt. I wasn’t feeling reciprocal happiness or partnership anymore, and that’s what pushed me.

Maybe I should have given him some space, even though he swore left and right that wasn’t what he wanted. Maybe I should have given him more time. 

Maybe I should have fought a little bit harder, or been less aggressive with my own emotions. And maybe I would’ve if he didn’t make it feel like he just quit me.

I wanted to fight for him, but I felt like someone who cared about me to the extent he claimed to, wouldn’t make me feel I needed to. He never made me feel insecure or anxious, and I never had to question his intentions. I made him feel happy, and cared for, and when he realized I could be the real thing, that’s when I petrified him.

Out of nowhere he decided he didn’t want to solidify anything, despite the relationship basically already having been solidified.

“Nothing changes,” he said, “we’re still us.” 

But we didn’t feel like us. 

How quickly he had forgotten that the “us” I knew felt like wild dreams and overwhelming joy, while the “us” we had become felt like confusion, worry and stress. 

I was desperate for the man I cared for to go back to his old ways, and he wouldn’t budge, and alas my feelings started fleeting.

He was playing games with me and he knew it. When I tried to play them back, he became angry and aloof. So then I’d cling tighter, which also pushed him away. I attempted desperately to push myself into his life when he was pulling away, and I ended up wedged between a rock and a hard place. Nothing I was doing was working, so I did the last thing I ever wanted to do.

I let him win.

He wanted someone to fight for him, and when he finally had it, he forced it away. I let the perpetual loner heave me so far out of his romantic vision that I was nowhere in sight. 

I let the one person I trusted with my glass heart shatter it all over the floor with one quick shove.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find my soulmate, and trying to map out where and when I’d find him. And then, the most miraculous thing happened.

You found me.

Rapidly, we were caught up in a whirlwind, and suddenly there was no looking back. I couldn’t remember what life was like without you. And I didn’t want to.

The word perfection couldn’t even touch us. 

This was heaven. This was everything.

And just when things were escalating and feelings were developing into something real, you pulled back. You got scared.

I thought I was everything you wanted, but it turns out, I was totally frightening to you.

I said all the right things, I did all the right things – I was everything you wanted and more but it came quickly and fiercely and as soon as it was real, you jammed on the brakes.

You found it hard to imagine that something so real could happen so fast, but it did.

I don’t think you wanted it to end, but you needed to slow things down. It’s just hard to pull back when we’ve already come so far.

I laid it all out there for you, I wore my heart on my sleeve and I was nothing but honest. 

I want you. I want to share my life with you, and I know that’s scary after such a short amount of time. But, I also believe that when you know, you know, and I knew.

Being with you forever would mean drastic, sporadic changes with my life. It would mean inconsistencies, and spontaneity, and sometimes, insane amounts of disappointment – all of which give me severe amounts of anxiety. But, I’m okay with all of it.

You’re terrified of your feelings, of falling for me so quickly. You’re afraid of disappointing me and of not being around all the time. You’re afraid I’ll be like every other person you’ve been close with, and when this gets more difficult, that I’ll bail, too. You’re so afraid you’ll end up alone again, and have only yourself to depend on, once again.

Stop trying to push me. I’m not going anywhere.

This certainly wasn’t the lifestyle I imagined for myself. But at the same time, you were never the guy I imagined either. But then I fell for you. And now, I can’t help but be all in.

Don’t act differently. Don’t pump the brakes on your feelings. Don’t sabotage this before there’s a valid reason to. Don’t run away from me and don’t shut me out. Please.

As terrified as you are, you need to know that I am, too.

I’m afraid of how deeply I fell, and I’m afraid of continuing to fall, knowing there may come a time when you aren’t around to catch me. But I guess that’s why they call it falling, because it’s so scary.

But more than all of these terrifying factors… the scariest part of all is the idea of losing you.

I don’t know what the future holds, as much as I try to. I don’t know how to not give you my entire heart, despite being utterly terrified of the whole concept. I used to think I was so guarded, but all of my walls dropped the moment you looked at me, and I just knew that we would be the greatest and most terrifying experience of each other’s life.

Trust me, hold my hand and fall with me. Stick around and keep on being afraid with me, because I can’t imagine life otherwise.

I know you’re scared baby, I am too. But I promise you, we can do this. I’ve got you.

It’s honestly hard to tell sometimes, through the flirting and the good night texts and doing coupley things, exactly who someone is.

The amount of faith I had in you was unreal. I never thought you’d turn out to be just as terrible as all the rest. I begged you: Don’t be that guy. 

Don’t be the guy who says he wants me, and then wakes up one day and leaves me out in the cold.

Don’t be the guy who comes in strong just to blow out the flame with complete disappointment.

The guy who eloquently tells me everything I want to hear, but means absolutely none of it. Who makes promise after promise in the form of unredeemable IOU’s.

The charming guy who values honesty yet disguises the truth and distracts me from it by flashing a killer smile and telling me “you’re gorgeous, baby.”

Please don’t be the guy who makes plans with me and then just doesn’t show up. 

Don’t be that guy. The guy who owes me a lifetime of apologies, but sweeps me off my feet before ever having to utter a single one of them.

The one who pretends like nothing ever happened, who manipulates a smile out of me in such a way that I forget being upset altogether.

Don’t be that hit-and-quit, only-here-for-one-thing guy. 

The kind who rides in like a knight in shining armor, and then gallops off, leaving me more of a damsel in distress than ever.

Why did you have to be that guy who claims to be loyal and sincere, and ends up being just another jerk?

Stop trying to be a sweet-talker and then attempt to be a heartbreaker. Nice try, Romeo, but I’m on to you.

Lucky for me, I saw through your mischievous smile and those dreamy eyes. I had a feeling you’d be that kind of guy. 

You had all the signs of being genuine but instead chose not to be. You should’ve been the guy you pretended you were because I liked him better.

You fell right into the mold and became everything you claim you hate. You had the opportunity to be the guy everyone loved, and you opted not to be. 

So, yes, I’m dissapointed. 

You loved me like Noah Calhoun loved Allie in The Notebook.

Your love was so steady, so strong. I could feel it wherever I was. There was never a day that passed that I didn’t feel it.

We were both so young, so naïve, and there wasn’t much that we could give to each other, but you gave it your all. You’d always find a way to make sure I had everything I wanted. There was nothing we couldn’t do together; no dream was unachievable.

Of course, we fought like all couples do. We got angry and hated each other momentarily, but it never lasted very long. No tear on my face went unwiped, no apology went unsaid. You were, essentially, perfect. You were willing to do anything I wanted, be anything I wanted.

Anytime I felt apprehensive, you pulled me in close and reminded me that it would always be the two of us. You would have my back forever more, even when it wasn’t easy to, and there wasn’t anywhere you wouldn’t follow me. 

Frankly, you were everything I ever wanted, and then some. You were thoughtful and kind and you were always more than enough. You were nice to me, good to me. 

But, that terrified me. Your love was so gentle and pure, so deep to the core, and mine felt inadequate, superficial. I wanted to love you with every single piece of me, but I just didn’t know how.

I tried so hard to love you the same way you loved me. But there was something in your confident love that made me so unsure about my own. I started to imagine not being able to give you all that you’d given me. I started to question if my own love ran as deeply.

I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t breathe. So, I pushed you away again. But, the more and more I pushed you away, the more you pulled me back in. You weren’t letting go of me. You’d never let go of me.

You were ready to settle down, to give me everything I thought I wanted, but I couldn't accept it. 

I should’ve leaped at the opportunity of spending the rest of my life with the greatest person I’ve ever known, but I knew I couldn’t let you settle.

You were everything but I just wasn't ready. 

I knew you’d be the guy I’d remember for the rest of my life, the love I’d compare any future loves to. For me, I knew nothing could ever touch your love, nothing would ever come close.

But I also knew that someday, you’d find the real dream, the girl who could live up to your completely realistic and amazing love. I knew that one day you would find the love you were worthy of, and the girl I wish I could’ve been.

I loved you enough to know I wasn’t the love you deserved.