Author: Josie Griffith

We fall in love for all kinds of reasons. Most of the time, from the outside looking in, everyone thinks we’re crazy. They offer up their opinions, they try and tell you what to do, how to make things work out. But when it comes down to it, it’s only about you and your person. 

That’s what I thought when we first got together. That you were my person. I was so sure. I was willing to bet on it. To bet on you. Because when I looked at you, I finally saw what I had been missing with everyone else. I saw home with you. 

And so yes, I fell for you. In this really big, fast way.

I fell for you the way that everyone warns you not too. I fell for you with every ounce of me that I had. I gave you my heart without listening to reason. Without asking questions. Because I thought that you were going to take care of it. I thought that when I was falling, you were standing there, just waiting to catch me. 

 And I wanted it to work. I was so sure that it was all going to fall into place. 

When you held me, I thought oh. This is what it’s supposed to feel like. This is how it feels when your heart wants something bigger and better than you ever imagined. 

But then, something changed. It wasn’t me and it wasn’t you. It was just the way that it fell apart. Just as quickly as I thought it all fell together. Maybe it was because you were good at pretending. Maybe it was because as much as I thought that you cared, you only made me think that to make it easier on you. 

The truth is, I don’t know what hurts more. Knowing that I gave you so much without getting anything in return or thinking that we were on the same page. Thinking that we had the same kind of heart, and the same kind of love to give. 

Whatever the reasons, I want you to know one very important thing. I was never someone else when I was with you. I never tried to make myself into something I wasn’t just to make sure that I could keep you. I was never anything but honest with you, right from the start. 

I want you to know that you didn’t have to be either. You didn’t have to build yourself up to make me want you. I wanted you all along. I never needed anything or anyone else but you. 

Now, it just feels like I fell in love with a ghost. With someone who is only really half way there. Your just like a shadow of a whole person. Maybe it’s because you never really found out who you are and what you really wanted. But I wasn’t your test run. 

I didn’t deserve to be your standin until you found what it really was that you were looking for. And it all comes back to you. I never played games with you. I never pulled on your heartstrings. But you did teach me one very important thing. 

I deserve the love that I kept trying to give to you. I really do. And it took you breaking my heart to finally understand that. I won’t thank you, because that would be too kind. But I will remember you. Even when I try my hardest to forget. 

I’ll never forget that you were the wrong person at the right time. And the one that I wanted to give my whole heart too. You just weren’t the one. But now, whenever and if ever he comes along. I’m going to know exactly how to love him the right way. And the best way. 

So I guess, whatever way you want to spin it, you could have won. You just chose not too.

We fall in love for all kinds of reasons. Most of the time, from the outside looking in, everyone thinks we’re crazy. They offer up their opinions, they try and tell you what to do, how to make things work out. But when it comes down to it, it’s only about you and your person.

That’s what I thought when we first got together. That you were my person. I was so sure. I was willing to bet on it. To bet on you. Because when I looked at you, I finally saw what I had been missing with everyone else. I saw home with you.

And so yes, I fell for you. In this really big, fast way.

I fell for you the way that everyone warns you not too. I fell for you with every ounce of me that I had. I gave you my heart without listening to reason. Without asking questions. Because I thought that you were going to take care of it. I thought that when I was falling, you were standing there, just waiting to catch me.

And I wanted it to work. I was so sure that it was all going to fall into place.

When you held me, I thought oh. This is what it’s supposed to feel like. This is how it feels when your heart wants something bigger and better than you ever imagined.

But then, something changed. It wasn’t me and it wasn’t you. It was just the way that it fell apart. Just as quickly as I thought it all fell together. Maybe it was because you were good at pretending. Maybe it was because as much as I thought that you cared, you only made me think that to make it easier on you.

The truth is, I don’t know what hurts more. Knowing that I gave you so much without getting anything in return or thinking that we were on the same page. Thinking that we had the same kind of heart, and the same kind of love to give.

Whatever the reasons, I want you to know one very important thing. I was never someone else when I was with you. I never tried to make myself into something I wasn’t just to make sure that I could keep you. I was never anything but honest with you, right from the start.

I want you to know that you didn’t have to be either. You didn’t have to build yourself up to make me want you. I wanted you all along. I never needed anything or anyone else but you.

Now, it just feels like I fell in love with a ghost. With someone who is only really half way there. Your just like a shadow of a whole person. Maybe it’s because you never really found out who you are and what you really wanted. But I wasn’t your test run.

I didn’t deserve to be your standin until you found what it really was that you were looking for. And it all comes back to you. I never played games with you. I never pulled on your heartstrings. But you did teach me one very important thing.

I deserve the love that I kept trying to give to you. I really do. And it took you breaking my heart to finally understand that. I won’t thank you, because that would be too kind. But I will remember you. Even when I try my hardest to forget.

I’ll never forget that you were the wrong person at the right time. And the one that I wanted to give my whole heart too. You just weren’t the one. But now, whenever and if ever he comes along. I’m going to know exactly how to love him the right way. And the best way.

So I guess, whatever way you want to spin it, you could have won. You just chose not too.

I went through life thinking that love was cursed, so when I met someone that I could potentially fall for, the first thing that came to to mind was that it’s wasn't gonna work out, and that it'd fall apart before it even started.  

So I thought that there was no point on hoping for the best, I thought that there was no way that love still existed in the world. But then I met him, and everything changed. 

It wasn't expected, and I don't think that either one of us was looking for anything at all. But the moment that I saw him, I knew that I was screwed. 

I knew that someone like him could either break my heart, or fix it. I wasn't sure if it even made sense, him and I.  But the moment that I looked him in the eyes, I knew that I wasn't going to let this be a chance I didn't take. I wasn't going to let the past make me scared to have a future with someone like him.

Because the truth is, without even knowing what I was doing, I let him all the way in. There was never a time when I thought to myself, slow down. Be smart about this, because my heart kept telling me, just take one more step. He's going to be there to catch your heart and give you his.  

Maybe I'm making another mistake and it’ll fall apart. Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead. But I don't care. Not with him. 

I hate to say it but it would be worth it. If all goes to shit,  It would be worth all the heartbreak, the pain, and all the bad stuff if I can have one more good day with him. 

I know that we just met and that I have a lot to learn. But there's just something about him. Something that makes me feel like he’s the missing part. He’s the thing that I've been missing in my heart for all these years. He’s the thing that makes sense in this crazy world. 

He looks me in the eyes and I feel my heart leap out of my chest. I don't want to say that I'm falling for him  because I don't want to give too much away. And I don't want to freak him out. I just want him to know that he’s changing the game. 

He’s  making me believe in love again. And that's something that I never thought would happen.  So, I don't know where we go from here. I don't know if I keep all of this to myself.

Deep down, I know that I've been waiting for someone like him. Even though I hate to admit it, even though I know it sounds crazy, I don't care. All I know is that I want him. More than I've ever wanted anyone before. 

He already feels like home. And instead of fighting it all off, I'm starting to give in. 

And this feeling, the one that he gives me, it's something that I want to hold onto forever. 

Because from the moment he walked into my world, I knew everything was going to change in my heart forever. 

Love ends for all kinds of reasons, and most times, it takes a little while to get over it. But in the end, we all have to accept the truth. No matter what we thought, no matter how much hope we had for this one to be the great one, he wasn't. 

It took me a little while to say goodbye. Because I wanted it to be him. So much. I was scared of starting over, of letting someone else in because I was still so desperate to hold onto to something that had been over for so long. 

I couldn't see past what we had. All the history, all the memories we made together. 

I never thought I would get over having to say goodbye to you but everything has changed. It wasn't over for me. I was only pretending. But, somewhere along the line, I realized a very important thing.  

I was walking away so slowly, because I thought that you were following me. I thought that if I waited long enough, just let you have my heart for a little longer, that you would run after me. 

That you would finally understand that I was your girl. I was your person. That you couldn't love anyone else besides me. But I was so, so wrong. 

It wasn't the goodbye that hurt. It was the aftermath. The downfall. 

The losing you over and over again and me being too naive to understand that what I really needed was someone different. Someone who shared the same love I had for them with me. 

It's supposed to be give and take. He was the one that got it backwards. 

But I have to be grateful, I guess. He taught me that if someone isn't crazy about you, if they don't do everything in their power to keep you, then they are not worth having around. 

He wasn’t worth the trouble. It took me a lot of tears, a lot of falling down and falling apart. But now, I'm stronger and I'm better than I ever was. 

He chose to lose me. And there's nothing he can do or say now to make me want him back.

I now can make  room for someone else. Someone who is worthy of all the love and the time and the effort that I gave to him. Now, I finally understand that I deserve the world. I deserve someone who couldn't bare to lose me, let alone watch me while I walked away. 

Growing up with an older brother I realized you got away with a whole lot more than I ever could. But honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way because it showed me how you’ll always have my back no matter what. 

In the good times and in the bad times, you stood up for me and took my side even when I was dead wrong.  

When life got bumpy and I felt like I was drowning in everything I couldn’t handle, you knew just what it was that I needed to keep me afloat. You have been there even when I didn't know how to ask for your help, without any reason at all. You were there when I didn't even notice that I needed you. 

Because of you, I know and trust that everything in life will fall into place. You were the sense of security everyone needs in life, and I’m beyond lucky to call you my brother.

At the end of the day, you’re still a boy and you don’t always come through but you make sure to be there for the most important moments and that’s what means the most. All those times life was changing and I was unsure of my next move, you told me you believed in me. And just like that, I felt better. 

That was all it took. You telling me that I could and that I would.

You have a larger effect on the world that you don’t even understand yet. The way you make people feel special, the way you have things so under control making the people around you feel at ease… I wish you could see what I see. 

I can see all the good things you have done and all of the great things that you have yet to do, and I am so proud of you. It makes me nothing but honored to have someone like you in my life.  

But just know that when you finally get there, I'm going to be right there. To tell you that I knew you could do it all along. That's what family does. 

I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that I will never be anything but blessed to have a brother like you.  

Even when we don't always see eye to eye, even when we push each other's buttons, even when we have a full-blown fight and I say that I hate you, I know that when it comes down to it, you're not going anywhere.  

No matter how many mistakes I make, no matter how many times I fall, you're going to be there to pick me back up. Sometimes, that's all you really need. 

Someone you love telling you what you need to hear. Not what you want to hear. And for that, for being honest, for always telling it how it is, I want to thank you more. 

Through thick and through thin, I know that I can always count on you. No matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, I know that I can always, always run to you. That you won't ever push me away, or tell me that you're too busy. 

But mostly, I know that no matter what happens next, you're going to be there for me. 

For that, and for so much more, I want you to know that I will never be anything but grateful to have you as a brother. 

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Sometimes, I wish that I could have met you in a different life and that there had been just a little more time to love you. Because I thought that it was going to be forever. And believe me when I say that when I told you I would never stop loving you, I meant it.  

I know that there are so many things that happen in our lives without any sort of reason. Things fall apart, we all grow up, time keeps us all moving. And we were no different. You and I. 

Sometimes, the world makes it hard for things to fall into place. And with you, that's just what happened. And when it all fell apart, I thought that I would never be whole again.  

We were so free and so in love. We dreamed together and we made plans together. And when you held me, I thought that this is it. No one else is ever going to make me feel like this again. You were home. 

Some days, I wish that we could go back there and be those two people again. For the rest of our lives. 

But we can't turn back time. Now, you're just a memory, just another heartbreak story to tell.  

I want you to know something, though. Even after all this time and everything that we've been through, together and apart. It was so real.  

That love that we shared doesn't come around that often. Some people wait their whole lives to just get a taste of what it feels like to want something so much. To need them that badly. That's what I felt for you. Sometimes, I think that I'll never get to feel like that with anyone else. I was so sure that you were my person. 

I was content with never letting you go. I was okay with having you forever. 

From the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that I am so happy it was you. I am so thankful that I got to spend so much time learning and growing with you. 

They say that you never forget your first love. And they also say that you never really fall out of life with that person, even if you find someone else. 

Parts of me will always rest with you. You have certain things that I won't ever to be able to give to anyone else. I think that's okay. 

I know that you're going to do great things, that you're going to turn into the man that I always knew you were going to be from the first moment I saw you. 

If we ever run into one another in our new lives, I'll have nothing but that love that we shared in my heart for you.  

Even though we didn't get a chance to be great together, even though after such a long time, we had to part, I want you to know how grateful and how blessed I was to have ever loved you at all.  

You will forever be my first love. And no one can take that away.

I wish that I could put all the blame on you for all of this mess that I have to deal with now and for all the things that you promised me that just fell short. But I can't because it was both of us, doing everything we could. 

I just cared a little more than you did. And for that, I can't really give you all the blame. 

I should have been more careful with my heart and never let my guard down. And most importantly, I should have seen what you were doing to me. Making me wait on you. Making me wait on something that was never going to happen.

I spent a long time trying to piece it all together. Trying to make sense of the reasons that you never called, the reasons that you thought I was going to be okay without you. 

I've given you enough chances. Enough time to think about what you really want. I have asked you over and over again if you want this. 

Your silence should have been enough for me to understand. But I didn't want it to end like this. 

Now that it has, I want you to know something. I want you to know that without you, I would never have known what it feels like to stand on my own two feet. 

You taught me that goodbye and giving up are not always the same. But they do have the same result. I couldn't keep loving you if I tried because it's killing me. 

It's breaking me down slowly. As good as loving you felt, as nice as it was to have something and someone to fall back on, the truth is, I was just waiting on a ghost. 

It might take a little while. It might not happen overnight. But someday, you're going to think about me and realize that it was a mistake letting me go. It's going to be one of your biggest regrets, that you can be sure of. 

And one day maybe years from now, you're going to wonder how I'm doing. And maybe it'll hurt in the same way that I'm hurting now. 

I want to say that I wish you the best, but the truth is, you lost that chance. You lost more than my love, You lost my friendship and my compassion. You took all of that and made me lost on you. 

So now, I'm going to be okay. But someday soon, I know that you won't be. Because not fighting your hardest for me, that's always going to be your biggest regret. 

When she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, she meant it. And she thought that when you said it back it actually meant that you felt the same way. But she was wrong, as we often are when we're in too deep with someone. Because with you, she never really even stood a chance which is a shame because you could've had her forever, but now you've lost her for good.

She fell for you without reason, without even knowing that she was. 

And honestly, after all of this time, she has to stop and wonder if you meant anything you said. Or if you were only telling her what she wanted to hear because you knew. You knew what you were doing to her all along. And you knew that each time you let her down, she broke a little bit more. 

You and her have never been simple. It's always been messy and complicated and less than perfect. It's never been able to slow down, it's never had any order. 

But when it all comes to an end, just like she knew it would, she’s the one that get's left standing all alone. She’s the one that has to move on, even though her feet feel stuck to the ground. 

And you get to walk away without a care in the world. 

Which is funny because she never changed her mind. She never went off to find someone else and then came back to you, hoping that you would forgive her. Hoping that you would love her again. Nothing ever changed for her when it came to you. 

She was always so sure.  

It might not hit you yet because she’s given up on you before. You might think that sometime soon, She’s going to come crawling back to you, begging and pleading with you. 

But that girl is long gone. 

You could have had her forever. She could’ve been there with you, beside you, loving you no matter what came your way. 

But that's all in the past now. There's nothing more you could say or do to make her believe in you anymore. She’s put in her time. And now her heart is too tired for this. 

Too tired to wait for you anymore. 

So, this is her walking away from you for good. This is her, not saying she'll see you around, not saying maybe you can try again down the road, but saying goodbye for the last time. 

She’s loved you for so long that now, she physically and emotionally can't anymore. And you're going to have to live with that.

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I know that there is a reason for everything. I know that what happened between us, the way that it all ended, it had to be that way. 

We could have just stayed together, and it would have made everything much easier. But we would have ended up with something much worse than goodbye. 

I just want you to know a few important things. 

I did love you. More than you will ever be able to understand. And I thought that we were in it together. But I was wrong. 

Honestly, I don't know which was worse. Knowing that I would have stayed with you forever, and stood by your side through anything. 

Or finally realizing that you were never going to stick around. You were never going to need me like I was so sure that I needed you. 

So now, all that I have left to give you is the truth. 

I loved you more than I ever thought possible. I wanted you and you and nothing but you. I thought that the world stopped and started with you. 

And for a little while, I think you felt the same way. 

We were good for each other, and then all of the sudden, just like that, things kind of fell apart. But what I need you to understand is that I forgive you. 

I forgive you for saying things and not following through. I forgive you for giving me everything I ever wanted and then taking it all away. 

I forgive you for making me fall in love with you when you had no intention of making it last. 

But I'm not waiting on you anymore. Even though I know that I could. 

Because as much as I thought that I loved you, you taught me one very important lesson. 

Sometimes, when you love something or someone so much, you lose a little of yourself. 

That's what you did to me. You made me lose myself in loving you. 

But now, I'm starting over. It took you breaking my heart time and time again to understand that there are more important things than being loved.

Because at the end of the day, I'm the only one that has to live with myself. I'm the only one that I have to turn too and take care of. 

And as much as you caused, there is something small that you gave to me without really even trying to. You gave me back my sense of self. 

You made me really look at myself. And rethink what I want, who I want, and most importantly, who I am going to be in the future. 

So, when I say that I still love you, I really do mean it. From the bottom of my heart. I don't think that I'll ever stop loving you. 

But the thing is, I'm not waiting for you to love me back anymore. 

I know that maybe someday, you'll figure it all out. And you'll try to come back into my life. And six months ago, that's all I wanted. 

Was for you want me back. 

But time works in different ways. Because now when I see you, I don't see the boy who I want to spend the rest of my life with. 

I see the boy who who could have had it all. And who, in the end, is really the one that's missing out. 

So please, don't take it the wrong way when I tell you that I'm still wildly in love with you. Because I am. 

But the only difference is now, I love myself more. And you did that. 

Blame it on timing, pride or selfishness, but it's over. It's finished now and I have to pick myself up. I have to learn how to fill in the parts that he took with him. And I've accepted that. 

I know that it wasn't meant to be. For whatever reason, I know that my heart was not supposed to end up in his hands. He held on for a little while and then he gave up. 

For a really long time, I thought that maybe, if I waited long enough, he would come back to me. And we would live happily ever after. But that was just a dream and I know that now. 

But what I can't really understand, what I really hate to admit, is that there is a small part of me that is always going to want him. 

I've tried time and time again to make it go away. To stop thinking about him when I know that  he's still up, trying to fight sleep. 

But I have to be honest with myself, and with him. There is always going to be that thought in the back of my head that maybe he'll come back after all. 

After all of this time, after everything we've had to let go of, I just think that sometimes, maybe we desereve one more chance. 

I know that it's not reailty, it's just a dream. 

I know that we have both moved a little too far away to ever get back to where we were. To the people that we were when we were in love. 

Because no matter what, I know one thing to be true. I loved him with all my heart. I still do. 

I know that one day, I'll find someone else to love. And that I'll be happy again. 

But he made me the happiest, best version of myself.  And that's the part that I can't forget. That's the one little piece of hope that I hold onto. 

I know that things are different now. I know that it would never work. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. From thinking about him when someone else is sleeping next to me. 

Because he's not him. And he is all that I want. That's all I ever really wanted, was him. 

So yes, I have moved on.  Each day, each night, I get a little bit stronger. I forget him little by little because I have to. Because there's nothing else that is going to fix this thing. 

A part of me will always rest with him. Even though I hate to admit it because it's been so long.

To say that he got the best of me would be an understatement. I don't think that I'm ever going to be able to give myself to someone the way that I gave myself to him 

Deep down, I know that it's over. But I also want him to know that he's always going to be my favorite what if. 

There is still a chance for us, for him to love me again. That much I know. 

It might take a month, or a year, but I hope that one day, he understands why it hurts so much. I hope that one day, he finally understands that I'm never going to be able to quit him.

As much as I try, I know that a part of me will always be wishing, wondering, wanting him.