Staying Productive and Creative at Home

Like many others, I’ve spent more time at home this year than ever before, and it’s taken some adjusting. Home used to be a place I slept and drank my morning coffee. Most days I would even opt for a midday shower at the boxing studio I frequented, and almost always ate out. For a creative type living in New York, this is pretty standard.

With layoffs and the plague ravaging the land, I was given all the time for creativity that I’ve desired all these years. It was the silver lining in an otherwise horrifying mess. All too often, I found myself at my desk with the pressure of, “NOW CREATE! SOAR! DO ARTIST THINGS!” and suddenly, I just didn’t know how. I was distracted…Hungry, then thirsty, then hungry again, then on my phone, then is it time to read or watch a movie? I know I’m not alone. It’s taken me a while to find my groove and figure out what helps me focus. Never fear, non-creatives, these tips can help you stay focused while working from home as well.

Start your day with gratitude.

This has been an important part of my day for a while now. It started with reading “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson which I highly recommend to anyone looking for a mind-shifting read. Every morning, by writing down three things you’re grateful for, you start your day by thinking about what you have, and not what you don’t have or what you want, which is naturally our first thoughts out of bed in the morning.

“I NEED coffee,” “I’m running LATE,” “I DON’T WANT to go to the dentist later,” “I have NOTHING to wear.” All negative, negative, negative. Remember: Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you react to it. By starting your day with gratitude, you’re training your mind to think differently for the rest of your day, and you’ll be more aware of reasons to be grateful.

Put the phone away, seriously.

This is a tough one because we’re all in a relationship with our phones and it is for better or for worse, ’til death do us part. It took me a while to figure out how to manage my time with my phone during all these hours spent at home. My simple trick is to put it away, not within reach, and leave it. I toss my phone in a dresser drawer and don’t touch it until I’ve accomplished what I’m working on.

This especially works if you have an Apple Watch, as I do. We all know how easy it is to lose precious time scrolling. One dog video leads to two leads to 10 and poof! Gone goes an hour and you’ve accomplished nothing except for fueling the fire of desire to adopt a french bulldog. A golden retriever perhaps? I’ll take one of each.

The Apple Watch helps because it takes the curiosity out of what you think you could be missing. It also makes you “reachable” without having your phone in reach, so you can keep up with work or emergencies without the temptation to mindlessly wander. You’re seeing the texts that come in, emails, DMs, etc., and you know that it’s nothing urgent. If there’s an email and you’re working on your computer, it’s easier to just open up your browser and respond than it is to get to your phone, which leads to more distractions.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up my phone to send an email, got distracted by my horoscope, watched Hilary Duff’s Instagram story, and checked to see if I’ve won the Powerball, only to forget why I picked up my phone in the first place (I still haven’t won the Powerball).  If I do get a text that I want to answer right away, I simply don’t sit down while I’m texting back. This ensures I don’t get too comfortable. Alas, I have found myself scrolling while standing, but it didn’t take long before I said, “What the hell are you doing!?” and put it away. 

If you don’t have an Apple Watch, there’s also the function on a Mac to get your texts on your computer, which could provide a similar benefit. No, I don’t have a deal with Apple to endorse their products, but they are welcome to contact me at any time.

Stay hydrated.

When I work on my computer I always have to be drinking something. I don’t know why, I just don’t feel like I’m working unless I have a coffee next to me. Like, am I even an adult? While coffee is a given, it’s important to remember to also have water with you. A hydrated mind works far more efficiently than a dehydrated one. The brain is about 80% water, after all. It also keeps whatever coffee you may be consuming balanced so you don’t go straight into a panic attack, or the “What am I doing with my life?” jitters.

Remember, caffeine dehydrates the body just like alcohol, and if you’re not drinking water while you work, chances are you won’t get enough a day. The daily recommended water intake is half of your body weight in fluid ounces. For example, I weigh about 130 pounds. Half of 130 is 65, so my daily recommended H20 intake is 65 fl oz. Most people don’t drink enough water, which can affect you in ways you don’t even realize. Do the math and be diligent about staying hydrated!

Make time to move.

I’m an avid fitness junkie and I stand strongly with the belief that making time for movement every day can drastically alter your being physically, mentally, and emotionally. While I love the idea of “working out,” I know it can make others bubble up with dread. I challenge you to let go of the “I have to workout” mindset and step into the “making time for movement” frame of mind. It sounds more approachable, and while working out can seem like a chore, movement sounds more like an opportunity. After all, isn’t the ability to move something to be grateful for?

I strive to do at least 45 minutes of movement a day, but it’s important to do what you can. Getting your blood and endorphins flowing can really center your mind and make you more productive. Getting outside for a run is a wonderful way to hit reset, release anxiety, feel more focused, and stay in shape. For home workouts, I follow Melissa Wood Health. Her memberships are just $9.99 a month and are really easy to follow. With workouts ranging from five minutes to an hour, she focuses on how important it is to get some movement into your day and take time for yourself, even if just for a few minutes.

At the risk of sounding like a TOTAL actor, I can’t fully be immersed in the creative process if I’m not 100% in my body, and the way I get into my body is through physical movement. You’ll either understand this because you went to art school or you’ll think I’m totally crazy, either way, you’re probably right.

Meditate.

I know some people are turned off by this because they think it has to be some whole ‘to-do,” or that you simply can’t do it. The thing is you’re halfway there now. You’re probably sitting and you’re definitely breathing. Just take a moment for yourself to close your eyes and check in. Forget about everything you have to do or everything that’s happened today up to this point, and just feel your breath coming in and out of your body.

There are some fantastic books on meditation including “Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World” by Mark Willman and Danny Penman. Melissa Wood Health also offers guided meditations on her platform. The important thing is that you do it and let go of the judgment of it. A good way to make sure it happens is to make a habit of ending your movement sessions with meditation. Whether it’s a minute, or three, or 30, there’s always time to practice some mindfulness in your day.

Honor thy workspace.

Lastly, there’s nothing more inspiring than an aesthetically pleasing workspace. It’s just like how buying cute workout clothes makes you want to work out more; as silly as it seems, it’s true! I know science says that a clean workspace is better for productivity. However I am going to challenge them and say that a clean and cute workspace is where the magic actually happens. I don’t know if any psychologist will back me up on this. But I can assure you that I get much more work done with my walls painted mocha. And my dried roses in bourbon bottles. With a color-coordinated book collection.

I hope this helps; now go drink some water!

 

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About the Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

A Valentine’s Day Date with Me, Myself, and I

Listen. I just don’t understand all the bitterness that surrounds Valentine’s Day for people that aren’t in relationships. I’ve been single for eight years, and it’s one of my favorite holidays. I’m serious. Everything in stores are bright pinks and reds, the chocolate selection is top-notch, and it’s just a day to spread love… So, why the hate?

This year, we’re all approaching a year of quarantine, and while I have my moments of desperation to go out to dinner and a Broadway show, I must say I’ve really started to take to this shelter in place lifestyle. The 14th will be no different for moi; I’ll be home alone, but I have more plans than Macaulay Culkin on Christmas Eve.

Allow me to explain.

First and foremost, it’s the perfect time for me to make an excuse to spend money on myself, being that it’s nestled right in between Christmas and my birthday. Do I need an excuse? No, not at all.  There have been so many Zara boxes delivered to my building; I feel like my neighbors are starting to judge. Regardless, it’s impeccable timing for me to just check-in and make sure I’m not neglecting myself in any way… Ya know?

This year, for Valentine’s Day, I’ll be receiving a spin bike for the last unoccupied corner of my tiny NYC apartment, and it’ll be brought to me by my one and only true love: the Amazon Prime delivery man.

I will also be trudging through the mountains of snow to the local cookie shop called Chip NYC, which I frequent. Their V-Day selection includes Red Velvet Cheesecake, Strawberries and Cream, XOXO Funfetti, and, of course, traditional Chocolate Chip. Yes, I looked up their cookie schedule ahead of time and I have to say… I’m so jazzed.

Next, despite all the bodega guys doubling their flower prices on Valentine’s Day, there’s nothing I love more than buying myself flowers.

As our girl Lizzo says, “I get flowers every Sunday; I’mma marry me one day.” Since the holiday falls on a Sunday this year, I can’t possibly defy Saint Valentine AND Lizzo, so I shall sleep easy knowing my $20 bill got $10 worth of roses; inflation be damned.

Now, if you’re thinking the plan is to eat cookies while putting together my new workout equipment: stop. I’m not a monster! I would never do manual labor without cookies AND wine… A nice, full-bodied, Napa Cab to be precise. I will tread cautiously, though. Last year, I bought myself a desk and got a little too carried away with the wine, super-glued it backward, and had to throw it out and order a new one.

I nailed it the second time, though – literally.

While 22-year-old me might have been a little bummed about not having a “Valentine’s date,” 28-year-old me couldn’t be happier scrubbing my bathtub for a deep soak and a face mask. I’ve actually been saving one for the occasion. I got this $1200 set of face masks for $40 on GILT (I highly recommend for skincare savings). They’re made with 24k gold and snail eggs or something crazy. I expect to take it off and have the plump skin of an eight-year-old, but, like, without the baby fat.

I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s no need for the Valentine’s Day blues!

Bottom line: it’s a day to celebrate love, and whether that love is for your friends, your family, your dog, or yourself; it’s worth celebrating. So, while I look forward to future Valentine’s Days spent with a significant other in a California king bed at the Plaza Hotel drinking mimosas and eating pancakes in robes with their logo on them (Macaulay Culkin style), that’s just simply not my narrative right now. I do have one, and only one concern: I hope all my red lipsticks last to see another V-day, post KN95s. *Googles expiry time on lipstick*

*Disclaimer: You should throw out lipsticks after a year and lip glosses after only six months!  Apparently, the wax has the tendency to trap bacteria. Ew. Will I follow this advice? TBD.

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About the Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

The Mask vs. Toxic Masculinity

I live in New York, which is arguably the epicenter of the world, and consequently, the coronavirus, too. We all know we’re in the middle of a pandemic and one of the most controversial things (which I just don’t understand) has been the expectation to wear masks. The way I see it, it’s something mildly inconvenient that you should do as a way to keep your germs to yourself. Simple, right? Apparently not. It’s been an adjustment and was especially difficult in the heat of the summer. I, personally, started breaking out like a prepubescent teenager which is not cute for an almost-30 something woman, but it’s okay because I currently feel the same way towards the pimples on my face cheeks as I feel towards the dimples on my ass cheeks: the only people seeing this is either my mother, my extremely close friends, or a very lucky man and if you are one of these people we are close enough that you must accept the full me: cellulite, zits, and all. Congratulations, and welcome to my germ circle.

This being said, I DO NOT understand why the mask thing has become “optional” or “political.” Only in Trump’s America can we possibly turn advice from medical and scientific experts into a symbol of stupidity and fear.

Luckily, with the bureaucracy of our country, the disaster that was Springtime New York City was controlled by Dad, aka Cuomo, and now we’re one of the least infected cities in the country. HOWEVER, this does not mean that there still aren’t assholes a-lurkin’. They’re out there, and it’s just my moral obligation as a citizen and a woman to point out, during my lengthy observation, that the MAJORITY of those who fearlessly and selfishly walk down the street without a mask, or rip off a mask the moment they can with pure disdain, are male.

You may find this shocking (just kidding, you probably don’t), but it’s true. It’s been NO surprise to me at all, but I’m just trying to put all the pieces together, and figure out why, exactly, men have so much disdain, for covering their jawlines that they think are so perfect. These are my thoughts.

Allow me to give you a clear idea of the difference between women and men when it comes to mask-wearing. I ride the subway once a day, only TO work, because I can’t ride it home FROM work because I have a vagina and must pay for an Uber or Lyft home due to the time and potential danger that comes with being a woman. Anyway, I work four days a week and have been back to work for about six weeks.

During this commute, I have seen at least one man a day without a mask on while riding the subway, despite there currently being a $50 fine for neglecting to wear a mask while using public transportation in NYC.

About half of these days, I have had to get up and either move to the other side of the train car or switch train cars at least one time because said man was in close proximity to me. Twice was I unable to exit the train car without a man without a mask standing directly in front of the door opening, clearly able to see me standing on the other side waiting to exit. Not only was he breaking the mask rule, he was also breaking the “step aside and let people exit the train before entering” rule. He was 0/2 and I couldn’t be more irritated. There is always at least one other man on any given subway car wearing a mask inappropriately (under the nose or some other laughable variation). As compared to women, in the past month and a half I have seen one woman on the subway without a mask, and approximately five without the mask properly worn. That’s a ratio of about 24 to 1.

One reason that men find it so difficult to adhere to this guideline is that as men, they have never been asked to cover up.

Women are used to being asked, or demanded, rather, to cover up, for this begins around second grade. It’s when we find out about what we’re permitted to wear to school and what we’re not. Your tank tops have to be at least two inches wide. Your skirt or shorts have to touch your fingertips. No low-cut shirts. No belly buttons. What are the boys’ rules? No hats? Please.

And what happens if a girl does wear a spaghetti strap shirt to school? Or perhaps she’s just too hot so she takes her sweater off to reveal super sexual (drum roll, please) SHOULDERS? Well, she’s told to change or go home. But she’s hot… She’s uncomfortable covering up. Why do we really care if her shoulders are exposed? It certainly isn’t because the educational institution in which she attends wants to make sure that she demands self-respect. It’s to keep the attention of the male students off of the female bodies and on their learning.

We are putting their education above female comfort. We are putting their education above female education.

School boards would rather have a female miss class because of her refusal to cover her body than to have a male student be distracted while present in class. Therefore can’t you say, while we all have a right to an education, that the male education is still valued more than the female education? I’m also unclear as to why we teach young girls that being proud of their bodies is disrespectful or distracting. Also, what happens when a male student says he’s too hot to wear a mask to protect his female students during a global pandemic? Well, my guess is that it would be considered an understandable excuse.

I also beg to know what was done to keep me less distracted in high school. There were no rules against young men who wore t-shirts that showed off their defined biceps or button-downs that showed the definition of their triceps. Who was looking out for me when all the boys started developing body hair and strong calf muscles!? And who the hell was monitoring the fit of the young men’s jeans so that I wasn’t too distracted while I conjugated my French lesson? Is it because we value the male education more or is it because sex is a man’s right? It’s a male’s will to be distracted by sexual needs and desire, but for women, any such admittance to a sexual distraction would be shameful. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but girls are horny, too. With that being said, I would love to meet the middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white, male, Republican school board leaders that were claiming they can’t force children to wear masks in school when you’ve managed to force girls to cover up for decades.

I shouldn’t need to say this, but the mask mandate is just further proof as to why it is up to women to bear children. If it was up to men, we would all be extinct by now, and there would probably be another species of half-human/half iPhone ruling planet Earth and putting models of people skeletons in museums for exhibition by now. Luckily, we’re still around because women are “strong enough to bear the children then get back to business,” as my good friend, Beyonce (just kidding, we’ve never met, don’t sue me) says in her song, Run the World (Girls). It’s much more difficult for men to go through any sort of mild discomfort for the greater good. Women learn early on that it’s part of their existence to suffer for the benefit of others.

We don’t question it. We don’t try to defy it. We deal with it.

We go to work, we exercise, we go about our daily lives, and we do it while our insides are in turmoil. I swear to God, every period I have get’s worse than the previous one. Every month my uterus screams out to me, “PUT A BABY IN ME,” and it tortures me for not fertilizing that damn egg. The woman that I have come to be is in no way ready for a child, but my physical being thinks it’s long overdue. She’s in her baby-making prime and she is straight-up pissed that I have neglected her calling. Point being, anything you can do I can do bleeding, and with a mask on, because I’m not a little bitch. Go to sleep.

Having children is also notoriously risky business. My guess is that if a man had to risk his life the way women do in order to carry children, it wouldn’t be done nearly as often.  If a man had to put his body through the hell that is nine months of pregnancy, following possibly two years of lactating and nursing, and a lifetime of stretch marks, weak bladders, and whatever other complications may arise, they would opt to not. However, this realization in men would also yield free, legal, safe abortions across the country REAL quick, but I’m afraid we have to save that for another conversation.

This leads me to point out that wearing a mask today is considered polite, and women are conditioned to be nice, above all else.

We’re taught to be polite because it’s unladylike not to be, after all. So why on Earth would I defy the rules and not cover my nose and mouth if it could possibly save a life!? Not doing this is considered disrespectful, and I, as a woman, dare not disrespect. We have a natural desire to care for other people and to want to do the right thing. Men are more likely to think about themselves.  It may not even be consciously vicious, but just their natural way of thinking.  They lead with what feels good to them that matters most, unfortunately, that leads to not only higher COVID case counts, but higher rape counts, as well. Men are far more likely to lead with “I want” and women are far more likely to lead with “I can help.”

Do men not feel as though the rules apply to them? I, as a penis-less individual, cannot answer from experience, but can only respond to the actions and conversations surrounding me, day-to-day. I can say first hand the majority of men I know that do not abide by the mask mandate are on the side that this pandemic is blown out of proportion, over-dramatized” if you will. These men tend to be your “macho men” – the guys that think they’re invincible. They don’t understand how to not get what they want. You see anything that throws off this type of privileged male is simply crazy, dramatic, and unrealistic. If it doesn’t support him, it simply isn’t real. If you’re on the other side and ya know, believe in science, you’re dismissed as crazy, too. My guess is they feel like they are above the rules, they are above most anything, after all. They are man, they are strong. Putting a mask on is a huge threat to their masculinity.  It’s almost as horrifying as drinking a cocktail out of a piece of stemmed glassware. These are the men that we’re battling here.

For those who may be concerned, there has been no link between wearing a mask and becoming less endowed in the girth region. One more time for the people in the back: TAKING VISIBLE PRECAUTIONS THREATENS THEIR MASCULINITY.

I’m not saying I haven’t seen women without masks; I have, but in shockingly fewer numbers. Once again, we’re looking at a 24 to 1 ratio. For every woman without a mask in a designated space where they are mandatory, there are TWENTY FOUR men violating the same rule, willing to risk a fine in order to not be visibly fearful OR respectable. It’s also not uncommon for me to see a man and woman walking together, the woman with a mask, and the man without one. I’ve even seen families, mothers, and children with masks… And man without. This is hugely disturbing to me, and it should be a wake-up call to society and a lesson learned in how we raise our sons. If the mother and children are wearing masks to protect themselves, does the father not love and respect his family enough to wear one as well? After all, if he gets sick, their mask-wearing was useless. And if his family is showing respect for the people in their community by wearing a mask, why does he feel as though he doesn’t have to? My guess is a combination of all the aforementioned. I also do feel, and in no way am I standing up for them, but I do believe that some of this is thinking and rationalizing is done in unconscious thought. That is society’s fault.

We teach men to not show weakness or fear. We say things to little boys like, “Don’t be a sissy” and “You’re acting like a girl.”

Realizing this and taking responsibility can help us undo generations and generations of harmful gender role policing for our children and grandchildren.  

Let’s zoom in a bit and focus on “white men.” Tell me one thing a middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white male has ever NOT had the option of doing. You probably can’t. You can’t think of one. That’s why this concept is so difficult for him to grasp. Why don’t we talk about something as simple as using the restroom while dining at a restaurant. Never has the middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white man ever been inconvenienced to do anything in order to use a public restroom. Let us remind you that black men were once forced to use a separate bathroom from white men, or not allowed in the bathroom at all. A transgender man would be bullied, beaten, even killed in the men’s restroom. The gay man has faced risks of getting beaten as well while facing allegations that he doesn’t even have to use the restroom. He just came in the bathroom to check other men out.

And women? I mean since we’re talking about restrooms, we might as well talk about why restrooms even became a thing.

The term didn’t actually come around until the late 19th Century, when women started to work in factories because they were now legally allowed to work. You see, up until this point only men were employed, so there was only a need for a space for them to relieve themselves. This was most often outside, in a less than desirable space. Then women came to work to shake things up despite studies that “proved” women are the weaker sex. Since employers could not legally refuse a woman their right to work anymore, they now had to pivot and find them a place to “rest.” After all, it was simply impossible for a woman to work the same hours as a man and continue to do the job at a respectable adequacy. Imagine that. Also, these women would eventually have to use a toilet, and the idea of one space outside for both genders to just release bodily wastes together just seemed largely inappropriate.

What eventually birthed from this dilemma was a space called the “restroom.”

With the help of more advanced plumbing systems, there would now be a designated space at work where women could “rest.” It would resemble the home, aka the place where the woman was most comfortable (el-oh-el) and would separate the genders while doing normal bodily functions that women are shamed for admitting they participate in to this day. Pooping. It wasn’t uncommon in public places for the women’s restrooms to be located in the basement, along with the black men’s’ restrooms. Could you even imagine telling the aforementioned middle-aged, cisgendered straight white male that he has to go to the basement to urinate? He’d say, “Why? There’s a restroom right here…”

The person enforcing these rules would say something, but at the end of the day whether they say for black, for whites, for straights, what they REALLY mean is for the NORM which is cis, straight, white, AND male, which would subsequently mean for the COMFORT of the cis, straight, white, and male. Today, that person would snicker and walk right past the enforcer of rules. However, right now in society, at least when it comes to public restrooms we’re just saying, “Hey, wear a mask!” like we do at my place of work, where I have gotten eye rolls, snickers, scoffs, and legit screamed at in return because the cis, straight, white man can’t conceive doing anything other than taking care of whatever he needs in that moment.

Let’s talk about culture for a moment. It is considered respectable in Muslim culture for women to wear a hijab in order to cover their hair. The Quran, the Muslim Bible, says that women should dress modestly. It’s very common for Muslim women to follow this respectable tradition today, even though some western cultures ignorantly associate it with terrorism.

How horrible must it be to be torn between honoring your culture and religion and being harassed as an assumed terrorist, or to go against your culture and religion in order to possibly blend in?

My guess is that it’s pretty fucking horrible. Today’s men aren’t going through any of this inner turmoil when asked to wear a mask, yet it outwardly appears to be so difficult for them. Have you ever seen a Muslim woman with her hijab draped around her neck, not covering her hair? I’m just gonna have to say no, you haven’t. I know you haven’t. Have you ever seen a Muslim woman carrying her headscarf in her hand, walking around with it? Do you think she’d be allowed in a mosque? Do you think her community would say… “Oh, but she still has it in her hand…” No. No one would say that. Because it’s not the same thing. Do you think she would say, “Oh, I forgot!” as many people do while moving around public spaces throughout our country? She wouldn’t forget.

She wouldn’t forget because this is an issue of respect, and women, no matter the religion or culture are indoctrinated from birth when it comes to respect.

It’s drilled into our skulls since the moment we’re born, or before if your mother finds out the gender of her baby. If a little girl is disrespectful she’s corrected immediately. If a little boy is disrespectful, he’s still learning and the matter at hand is laughed off. Boys will be boys after all, correct? 354,000 deaths later, and men still have a hard time grasping things… Growing up… Dealing with uncomfortable realities forced upon them. I’m also going to have to say if these women can keep their head-dressing covering their hair while living their life, you can keep your mask above your nose while riding the subway, sir.

We excuse boys for breaking the rules longer than we excuse girls for doing the same things. We’ve heard it time and time again: boys mature at a much slower rate than girls. While physically that is scientifically true, mentally it’s more so based on the fact that we excuse boy’s behavior for a much longer time than we excuse the same behavior in girls. These boys grow up to be men that are simply accustomed to getting excused for their poor behavior and decisions, even if they hurt people in the process. These societal excuses can even lead to severe cases of “himpathy.”

Made popular by Kate Manne in her book, “Down Girl,” himpathy is a term used to define the sympathy felt for the man even when he has done something wrong.

Take a rape case for example. How many times have you heard “his life is over now” by someone referring to a man accused of rape, except for some reason the person saying this isn’t happy about it. It’s very common for women to be put down, shamed even, for accusing men of sexual assault because those allegations will (and should) bring down the man’s life. It’ll affect him personally, professionally, his relationships, and future endeavors, because it should.

It’s quite horrific, that how the man will suffer after being accused of rape is often more the focus than the woman that has been raped.

Does the person expressing himpathy not care that the woman will be affected personally, professionally, emotionally, and psychologically by the events that took place? It will follow her for the remainder of her life as well, except she didn’t CHOOSE to do it. The offender did. It was his actions, so he should suffer. That is justice, but we sometimes forget that because we have a person in the highest office in the United States that has been recorded saying, “Grab them by the pussy,” and it has been dismissed as nothing but locker room talk because BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

I can’t let the topic of wealth and healthcare go untouched. I, along with millions of other Americans, lost my healthcare coverage due to COVID-19. Millions of other Americans didn’t even have coverage before the pandemic. When people go out and disobey the mask mandate they put others who are uninsured and unable to afford proper healthcare at a HUGE risk.

I’m so happy that you feel as though you’ll be fine if you get sick, but that’s just not reality for more people than you may think.

There are so many people that just take healthcare for granted and this is linked to a long line of privilege. If you never had to worry about insurance it’s safe to say you are benefitting from any number of privileges. I’m not saying RICH, but if healthcare isn’t an issue, you have more than most and you should be grateful. We’re talking not only about wealth privilege but also education privilege because chances are, if you’re able to afford a solid insurance plan or it’s part of the package at your job, you were also able to afford and have access to an education in order to secure said job/income. If these things have never been an issue for you, your parents have also benefited from these privileges, and you are reaping the rewards whether you acknowledge it or not, so how about we all check our privilege by showing some respect for those who may not have been dealt such a good hand?

Currently, in the US, we are leading in the number of COVID deaths globally, because we have a President (a middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white, wealthy male) that has insisted on putting the economy above the worth of human lives and has not been able to set an example when it comes to wearing a mask. A few months ago in the first Presidential Debate, he mocked current President-Elect Joe Biden for always having a mask on. He MOCKED him, for following CDC guidelines during a global pandemic. About 50 (nifty United States) hours later, Trump announced that he and the First Lady has tested positive for COVID-19. Karma’s only a bitch if you are. I would love for men to prove me wrong, but I know their toxic masculinity will stand in the way. For those men who have and continue to wear a mask, thanks for not being the reason I have to give up my end seat on the W train.

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About The Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

I Went on a Covidate: Here’s How it Went

And The book title is “Love in the Time of Cholera,” but it’s hard to not reimagine it for the 21st century.  Love in the Time of COVID, am I right? It was hard enough to find a special spark when we weren’t afraid to be around each other with our faces exposed.

I personally do miss kissing boys in cocktail bars while drinking old fashions, accompanied only by the flickering light of a nearby candle.

Those days are long gone and the only old fashions I’m drinking are solo and in bed with a battery-operated candle. Safety first.

I waitress at a restaurant in downtown Manhattan where every so often a man at my table will ask me for my number. Sometimes I’m flattered, sometimes appalled; it all usually depends on how they go about it, as well as their etiquette during dinner. I’ve dated a few guys I met while working in the past, but none of them really last. The flirtation on my side usually boils down to admittedly entertaining myself throughout the evening’s conundrum of 86s and asshole guests.

Any of these flirtations usually boil down to somewhere in between an unanswered text message and a maximum of a three-week relationship that could have definitely been capped at two weeks had I trusted my instincts.

In the time of COVID, the ante has been upped by mandatory face coverings for all employees. Listen, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the game of flirting with a mask on, using only my eyes to lure them in and get them to ask me out without ever having seen my face. It’s amazing. A few months ago I swore I had met Carrie Underwood’s husband’s twin. I simultaneously took an order at a table across the room while making eyes at him, which lead to him following me to the computer in order to get my number. Unfortunately, the head chef walked past as I was entering my digits in his phone and screamed, “Get it, Kaitlyn!” across the restaurant.

He texted me, and I answered in my Uber home, despite his initial text saying that I was a wonderful waitress (Tip #1: if you’re attempting to pick up your waitress, never compliment her waitressing skills. She doesn’t want to be a good waitress and she definitely doesn’t want to hear about how she’s a good waitress. Chances are she’s some type of artist that loathes her survival job, so get outta here with your waitressing compliments). He asked when I’d be available in the upcoming week to “grab a bite,” and I told him we’d have to wait until I got my schedule – when what I really meant was I need time to figure out a way to say,

“Um there’s a pandemic, and I actually like my lungs working at full capacity, so can we take a socially distanced walk instead?”

The next day I texted him to strike up casual conversation, and my “Happy Sunday! You a football fan?” text was left unanswered, so my problems were solved. This event is what led me to be even more impressed by my most recent approach.

I had a table of six guys that had been making jokes with me on and off all night. And I usually hate serving tables of men, because, well, men, but this was a fun, harmless group. I was standing in the far corner of the dining room as they began to make their exit. One of them started approaching me, and I felt an instant glitter of excitement.

“Hey, I know everything is complicated right now with COVID, so I’m just going to give you my number and you can decide what to do with it.”

I know that my shock showed in my response. “Oh! Thank you,” I said as I took the small, folded up paper from his hand while doing my best to show him I appreciated his approach. He nodded and walked off into the night.

I was absolutely touched that he even acknowledged that things are undoubtedly complicated right now. If dating in New York was difficult before, which it was, it’s now ten-fold. Hell, one hundred-fold. Ya can’t just go kissing strangers and drinking gin and tonics like ya used to. Like many other things this year, what used to be hard just got harder. I always felt like most dates were a waste of time, but now I’m risking my life for them, too? How bout just get me a petri dish for my eggs because I’m going to need several more years to figure this shit out. Count me out and Amazon Prime me a cat to start my collection with.

I admit he put me under a spell with his genuine approach, and I couldn’t help but shoot him a text (obviously after waiting the preliminary 24 hours just to make him sweat). I know, I know, I’m part of the problem… So I’ve heard.

Any who, we texted for a day or so before he made his advance: “Usually I’d engage in some more witty text banter, but I’m going to be more forward because I’m leaving the city for Thanksgiving. Any chance you’re free for a drink tomorrow or Tuesday?”

Ugh. Well, that was a fun day of socially distanced flirting but here’s where it ends, I told myself.  My response was honest but very blunt. “To be honest, I’m not really hanging out with people unless it’s outside and with a mask on,” I said, expecting to get some sort of attempt at persuasion back or just a total lack of interest. That’s why when he responded by being totally understanding and “down to play by my rules,” I couldn’t help but perk up.

With his work schedule and mine combined, along with the pressure of the upcoming holiday and constraints of the pandemic, we had an 11:00 a.m. coffee date in Washington Square Park in 26-degree weather. As fate would have it, it was the coldest day of the year so far. He still had not seen my face and I was attempting to wear lipstick under my mask, but I was becoming less confident as I walked to meet him and my snot ran into my KN95 from the blustery temps. Sexy.

We grabbed a coffee and walked to the park, carefully picking a bench in the sunlight to keep us a little warm. I knew as soon as I pulled my mask down to take a sip of my oat latte he was going to see my face for the first time, so I made a joke as I turned my head and wiped my snot on the back of my glove. We shared a bench but kept our masks on as we got to know each other.

It was honestly really refreshing to sit across from someone in the light of day and without the help of alcohol or the distraction of physical attraction. It was nice to know that this is as far as it would go for a while. There was no pressure to end the date with a kiss and certainly no shot at more than that.

We got approached by homeless men asking for money a few times, but only one offered a magic show. He was wearing a mask so we accepted. During his routine, he got a tiny bit too close to me and my date must’ve seen me lean back ever so slightly. He kindly asked the man to take back up a bit. It may seem like a small gesture but it went a hell of a long way in my book. I felt like someone other than myself was looking out for me, which is something that has barely happened this year.

In the past 10 grueling months I’ve lost some friends because of their irresponsible response to the virus. I’ve also grown closer and came to appreciate the friends that share my values.

The magician’s trick somehow revealed that I was 28 and he was 26 which was alarming to me. My general rule is to not look twice at any man under thirty. It is 2020, though, and I’ve had to break some old rules as well as come up with some new ones, so what the hell.

He also revealed that when he said he was going home for Thanksgiving (to Tampa) he would be staying there through the New Year, followed by a trip to the Grand Canyon for some hiking in early January. Our conversation continued for well over an hour before deciding to go for a stroll, which led to a pop-up shop, which led to picking up his lunch from Cava, and then dropping him off at his apartment on Houston.

He asked permission to hug me, which I surprised myself by allowing, and we said our goodbyes. “I don’t know how this works, but I had a really good time and I’d like to do it again?” “Same,” I responded while we both laughed at the uncertainty of it all.

On the hunt for new martini glasses, I slipped into Crate and Barrel. He had texted me before I even left the store and our witty text banter continued until the second week of December. And he must have sensed my uncertainty in what we were doing and ended things with me before I could do it with him. He sent me a full screen sized text message about his workload, the holidays, and the uncertainty of his return to New York anytime soon. And he said he’d text me when he gets back to the city, and I said the next cappuccino is on me.

I feel like I won’t hear from him again, and if I do, the cappuccino would have to be just a friendly cappuccino. I didn’t really feel a spark and felt like I couldn’t get past the age difference. That doesn’t negate how touched I was by his manners and respect to my boundaries. I really appreciated his genuine interest in getting to know me and make me feel safe. Funny enough, this was just four days over my average three-week relationship, so the end came right on schedule.

Regardless of the fact that our tryst didn’t end in either of us being swept off our feet, there is much to be learned from this experience.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries: If someone is truly interested in you they will be willing to act within the confines of your comfort zone. If they’re not willing, they’re not worth it. If you’re getting involved with someone romantically it is crucial that you can be open about what you’re comfortable with.

That means with COVID and literally everything else. Boundaries are healthy, but you have to be willing to own them and speak them into existence. It may mean you lose some people, but those that stay truly respect you.

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About The Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

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