Author: Kalianne Christine

Even after everything that happened, I still can't seem to get you out of my head. 

I'm okay during the day, as long as I keep myself busy, but night time… that's a different story. 

The second that all of the chaos of my day settles down, and my head hits my pillow, you're all I see. 

You're all I can think about. 

It's been months and I know it shouldn't be this way. We don't even talk to each other anymore… but here you are, still living in my thoughts. 

Nobody understands how much I miss you. No one even knows, honestly. Why would I tell them? 

You were awful to me. You broke my heart into a million pieces. They would never get it… I don't even get it myself. 

I don't think about how things ended, though. 

I think about how we used to be, about who I thought you were.

All the things we used to do together, the road trips we'd take. 

I think about how you used to make me laugh so hard I could barely catch my breath, and about our hundreds of inside jokes that no one else could ever comprehend. 

I think about the way you used to roll over in your sleep and kiss me, and how I'd wake up the next morning still holding your hand.

For the first time in my life, I felt understood and loved. I was so lucky to have such an amazing connection with someone.

Then, I think about how it was all ripped away from me. 

I think about how I'll never have anything like that again, how I'll never have you again. 

I think about how sad it is that you were such a huge part of me and then all of a sudden, one day, you were just gone. 

I can't stop missing you.

Then I think about how fucking pathetic it is because I know for a fact that you don't miss me. 

I know that I'm chasing my own thoughts in circles while you're sound asleep. 

I probably never even cross your mind.

You were the one who walked away from this anyway. You were the one who caused me to hurt like this. 

You were the one who gave up on us. 

And that's when I realize… I'd rather miss the person I thought you were than be with someone that is less than what I deserve. 

I'd really just rather miss you.

Before we get more serious in our relationship, I feel like I should let you know right up front that I'm emotionally damaged. Actually, it's more likely that I'm broken beyond repair. Someone before you destroyed me because they pretended to love me. 

They did everything in their power to make me fall…but they had no intention of ever catching me. They set me up to fall head-over-heels for them, all the while knowing that they'd never return the affection. It was cruel, it was effective, and it shattered me.

Because of them, I'm ruined. I second-guess everything because I don't trust anything. I don't know how to believe anyone anymore. My ability to allow myself to be cared about and/or loved is completely altered. Whatever self-love I had before is gone now.

However, somehow, my ability to love isn't. 

Even after everything I've been through, I still know how to care. I still fall fast. I can still love, and I'll love deep… But most of all, because of the way I've been hurt, I can promise to never intentionally hurt you. 

I can make that promise because I know exactly how it feels, and I know you deserve so much more than that. I can make that promise because even though it's difficult for me to believe that someone could actually care for me, the fact that you try to show me my worth means more than you could ever know.

The fact that you keep me smiling and make me feel like it's actually a possibility to be happy and trust someone, that it's a real possibility to genuinely believe that someone actually cares about me… that's why I can make that promise.

I can make that promise because you deserve it. You deserve it so much.

I may be damaged… but I promise to never damage you.

You were one of a kind. You were the only person I’d ever fully put my trust into. The only person I never doubted, even for a second. The only person that had never lied to me…or so I thought.

We had an amazing, healthy relationship. There were hardly any arguments. We had so much fun together and it was completely effortless. You were my very best friend. We never kept secrets from each other…or so I thought.

You treated me amazing and made me feel so safe. You were actually in love with me and not just pretending like those before you…or so I thought.

I thought wrong.

After all this time, you ghosted me. I still have no explanation as to why…or so you think.

Turns out you were two different people the entire time we were together…one to me, and one to everyone else.

To me, you loved me. To everyone else, you hadn’t in a long time and I just wouldn’t leave you alone.

To me, you hadn’t cheated on me, and never would. To everyone else, you already had, several times over.

To me, our relationship was serious and actually meant something. To everyone else, it was nothing more than a joke.

You made me look like a complete fucking idiot. You literally lived two separate lives the entire time we were together.

Throughout our whole relationship, I was thinking that I was so incredibly lucky to have someone that was always honest with me and that I could trust, yet you were doing nothing but lying to me.

I wonder how many times I thought you weren’t responding to texts because you were asleep or at work, and you were really with another girl.

I wonder how many times you actually were responding, bullshitting me, while you were still lying in bed next to some girl you’d just fucked the night before.

I wonder how many stories you’ve told me that I’ve gotten a fucked up, bullshit version of because they actually involved whatever bitch you were with at that point in time.

I wonder how many times you ditched me, asked me not to come see you, or missed important things because you had plans with someone else.

I wonder how many of them knew about me and didn’t even care.

I wonder if you even feel bad…

But most of all, I wonder how long it’ll be before the girl you left me for realizes who you really are. I wonder if you can keep her fooled for as long as you did me.

For her sake, I hope not.

You’ve destroyed me.

You saw this happen to me before you. You watched what it did to me and how long it took me to recover…and you’ve intentionally made me start over.

I will never forgive you for that.

No one should be this good or this okay with lying and destroying another person without even so much as an apology.

You took everything I thought of you and completely demolished it.

I will never feel the same about you.

Since you don’t have the courtesy to say it yourself, consider this our good-bye.

I’ve always just made the assumption that eventually all of my efforts would be appreciated. I always thought that you would, one day, start to feel about me the way that I have about you for so long.

I stayed by your side while you dated other girls. I watched you give other people the attention I wanted so badly from you. When you finally did choose me, it was directly before you moved away. I didn’t leave your side. I stayed. I wanted it to work.

I’ve stayed by your side through being broken up with entirely too many times to mention. Through waiting and not being spoken to for days or weeks so you could ‘think about what you want’, for it to always be the same outcome. For me to have my heart broken just a little more than the last time. I still never walked away.

I’ve been there through endless depression flare ups. Through being ignored for weeks. Through constantly being worried that you were going to leave me again. Through feeling like I always have to convince you to want to be with me, when that’s something you should want to do all on your own.

I shouldn’t have to convince you to want me. That never should’ve happened.

I did everything I could possibly do to make you happy. Random gifts, cute texts, constantly reminded you of how important you were to me, made sure you knew how much I loved you at least twice a day, legit went out of my way to spoil you in every way possible, supported all of your goals and dreams, and committed to doing everything in my power to help you achieve them…

Just because you being happy made me happy. I wanted you to have everything you wanted, because I felt like you deserved every bit of it and more. I never once did anything to hurt you. I still never would.

However, none of that was enough. My not giving up on you through things anyone else would leave in a heartbeat over, wasn’t enough. My being more understanding than any other person in their right mind would be, wasn’t enough. The fact that through everything, I was still there, and still loved you, and still wanted you, wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t enough.

You left, again. And this time, I’m letting you. I’m not going to ask you to stay, because I’m not the one making you leave. You are.

I offered to do anything to be with you. You told me no. At some point in time, I have to accept the fact that you just don’t want me. That no matter what I do, or how much I stay through, I will never be enough for you.

That point in time is now.

I wanted a life with you, yes. I wanted a future with you, absolutely. Do I still want those things? Yeah. I do. Will I ever get them? No…because you refuse to give us a chance.

So now, I’m done giving chances.

I’m done getting my heart broken.

I’m done giving all of myself to someone who obviously thinks it isn’t enough.

I’m done waiting for something that will never happen.

I love you, but I have to love myself more. I have to acknowledge the fact that I deserve more than being left, and hurt. More than constantly worrying. More than feeling like all of me isn’t enough.

Maybe one day you’ll realize what you had. One day when you’re with someone else, and she doesn’t get you the way I do. When she bails the first time you need time to figure things out. When she doesn’t understand why you don’t talk for a week at a time. When she gets offended at all the things I used to laugh at.

Maybe then you’ll see it. Maybe then you’ll appreciate it. By then, it’ll probably be too late, though; and at that point, you’ll understand heartbreak.

You’ll finally see how it feels to want someone that’s perfect for you, and have no way to make them see how much they mean to you, or what you could be for them if given the chance. You’ll know how I’ve felt this entire time. Not until then will you understand what you’ve made me feel.

I love you. I probably always will. But, I have to let you go.

I have to love myself more.

Laziness is not a choice, it’s genetic. 

No, it’s not actually genetic, but that would be a good excuse. 

1. Who needs multiple alarms when you have the snooze button?

2. Dry shampoo is bae. That extra 5 minutes of sleep is more important than washing your hair. 

3. People already know you’re going to be late, so they plan accordingly. 

4. It doesn’t matter if it’s only 2 blocks away…you’re driving. 

5. If it looks okay and smells okay, it’s clean. No other questions need to be asked. 

6. Leggings are absolutely acceptable as pants. Always. 

7. When you tell your friends you already have plans, what you really mean is you’d rather eat pizza in bed and then nap. Alone. 

8. You know how to make yourself look presentable in under 10 minutes. 

9. And if you can’t, well, too bad. I mean, no one’s being forced to look at you…

10. Your ideal text from your guy is ‘Wanna come over and nap with me?’

11. Your ideal text from your friends is ‘Sorry, I’m gonna have to cancel our plans.’ 

12. The only reason you wear dresses is because it means you don’t have to bother matching other articles of clothing. 

13. You always respond ‘maybe’ to Facebook invites. Don’t wanna look rude, kinda don’t really wanna have to go. 

14. Your favorite shoes are slip-ons and flats because they don’t have to be tied. 

15. People that go to the gym for fun confuse and scare you. 

16. You truly believe your ‘spirit animal’ is a sloth. 

17. When you do actually go shopping, you buy underwear just to prolong having to do laundry.

18. Winter is your favorite season, because hoodies. Do you have a shirt on? Are you wearing the one you slept in? The world may never know. 

19. ‘I already took my bra off so I can’t’ is a legitimate response to being asked to leave your house. 

20. You believe that ‘morning people’ are actually Satan. No normal person wakes up that happy. No one.

If you liked this article, you can find more of KC’s writing on her Facebook Page.

The time has now arrived in your life where this thing we call "adulting" is about to completely take over in every way. 

It's crazy to think about because it seems like just yesterday, I was at your sweet sixteen trying to get you to come out of your shell and dance. 

I believe that you're more than ready. I think that you've been ready for a while now. But, there are still some things I need to tell you.

As you take this next step in life, just keep in mind that as much as you want there to be, not everyone has good in them. Some people are just shitty. 

Also remember that sometimes, you need to put yourself and your own happiness first, because you deserve it.

Moving on… men are jackasses. You need to stop giving chances to the ones that don't even deserve a second glance from you. You're amazing, intelligent, you have so much to offer. 

These immature boys that you've let into your life previously don't even deserve to know you exist. You shouldn't let people treat you like pond water when you know damn well that you're Fiji water.

But, when you decide to let them in anyway, and they hurt you, just know I'm here. I'll be standing outside your front door with tissues, ice cream, and the biggest bottle of Hypnotic I can find, and I'll help you put your pieces back together. 

Also, make sure you experience life. Things get hectic and work becomes more of your house than the one you're supposed to be living in. Just remember to make time for you.

Plan a trip for a weekend with your friends. Go somewhere new. See things you've never seen. Yes, I know you're afraid to travel. But doing things you fear brings experience and excitement. I'd even go with you to make you more comfortable.

You need to see more than just the four walls of the few places you've always known. Give that to yourself. You deserve it.

Oh, and, just so you know, you'll get used to being home alone. You won't feel like you're living in a horror movie after the first few weeks. Everytime someone knocks on your door, you won't think it's Jason coming to end you. That'll go away.

Cooking isn't as hard as it seems…and I mean more than just mac and cheese. Recipes from the Internet work wonders. 

But, when you almost burn the house down trying to cook something simple, which I've seen you do, I'll be knocking on your door with a Tupperware container of whatever I've made that night, and a movie to make it better.

Last, but most important thing, I am so proud of you. You have broken out of your shell and truly found your own identity over the past few years. 

You no longer hide from who you are, you show it proudly, without hesitation. That's all I've ever wanted for you; to disregard what everyone else thinks and just be proud to be you. I think you've finally found that.

You've accomplished more than I could ever dream of. When I look at you, I don't see my "little sister". I see a gorgeous, brave woman that is one of my best friends.

I couldn't be more proud of the person you've become. You've got this, go own it. I love you.

– Your Big Sister

I've truthfully always thought we would make it. If I didn't, I wouldn't have tried for this long. I wouldn't have waited around as much as I have. You've always been different to me. I have something with you that I've never had with anyone else. 

I don't know how to explain what that 'something' is, but it's there.

We may have gone back and forth a lot, but it's never changed anything. Whether we're together or we're not, things stay the same between us, they always have. We've made so many plans for the future, which was easy because we want the same things out of life. 

We share the same passions and have the same interests. We've even talked about getting married. Planning a future with you was practically effortless. I would do anything for you. I would go anywhere for you. I can make it through anything as long as you're by my side. 

The love I have for you is completely limitless in every way, and there isn't a single thing I wouldn't do to make this work. Being with you means the world to me.

But…at some point, I have to address the fact that you don't feel the same. I know that you want to. I know that you try to…but I also know that you just don't. When I say 'I love you more', I know I'm being very literal.

You see minor problems, which every relationship has, as a legitimate reason to just end things. You run away from commitment at the first sign of trouble. You break up with me, but we just go back to the "talking" stage and then get back together.

That was fine, the first few times. That was fine, in the beginning. I made myself emotionally cope with it because you're more than worth it to me.

But this is real life. This is my heart shattering more and more each time it happens. This is depression grabbing ahold of me, and screaming in my face that I'm just not good enough for you. This is me being desperately in love with someone that doesn't love me enough to stay.

I've always been the one that loves more. And I'm okay with that. But, committing to a relationship is sticking it out when things get difficult. It's finding a solution when there's a problem. It's knowing, without a second thought, that your person is worth at least trying for…but you run instead.

You leave me in case things go wrong, and ignore the fact that they could go right. You won't take chances for me, and that hurts.

Instead of trying to fix a problem, with the possibility of succeeding, you'd rather just walk away and end things over the possibility of not. And I'm alone, again. Waiting, again.

However, apparently I know how to wait. I've spent more time being understanding and waiting our entire relationship than I have with anything else. At some point, I'm not going to anymore, just know that.

I don't know when I'll stop. I don't know when it'll hit me that I've had it and can't wait around anymore. I don't know when I'll let it fully register that you just can't feel the way I do. But, it'll happen eventually. And when it does, your chance will be gone.

So, before you leave me next, you should ask yourself; would it feel good having to see me with someone else? Would you be okay with me telling you that I don't love you anymore? Do you want to have to look back and know that you had a girl that would've given you the world if it were possible, but you gave up on her?

I don't want you to give up on me. I also don't want to have to keep doing this. All I want from you is for you to just love me enough to stay. To stop running. To at least try for me.

I just want you to think I'm worth taking a chance for.

“He said it was a one night stand, but the alcohol didn’t let her understand.”

– Cute Is What We Aim For

I think it’s happened to all of us at least once. You’re having a fun night out. You’ve had a few drinks. You meet an amazing guy.

He tells you how he can easily see himself with you. He tells you you’re special. He acts so impressed by and interested in everything about you.

He tells you everything that makes you believe he’s different.

He’s perfect. He’s everything you think you’ve ever wanted. And those drinks you’ve had, they have you convinced that it’s okay to fully put your trust in him.

You spend the whole night with him. You leave together. You drunkenly, yet honestly, open up to him completely. Emotionally and physically.

You wake up the next morning and reach for the arms that you allowed to stay wrapped around you all night…but your bed is empty.

He’s gone. Just like that. Everything he said, meaningless. Everything you’d thought you’d found, lost.

You’re confused, you’re hurt, you’re broken. Guilt and shame blur your eyes and wet your cheeks.

You can’t figure out how someone could be so cruel as to just disappear after everything they’d made you feel, after all the amazing things they said….

“But what made you think that he couldn’t find the door in the morning, when he found that bed so easily in the dark?”

His perfect words were simply a disguise for what he really wanted. He said everything you wanted to hear, so that you would give him everything he wanted.

But guess what? That makes him the awful person, not you. You were vulnerable. You opened up. You saw potential. You cared.

He didn’t.

This guy leaving, it says nothing about you, but so much about him. Always remember that.

You are not dumb. You are not stupid. You shouldn’t regret a damn thing you did. All you did was give someone a real chance to show you something different.

He failed, not you.

Someone who doesn’t even have the capability to be honest about their intentions does not deserve someone like you.

You are good enough. He was not.

So, to the girl that woke up alone; be thankful that you did…

Because you truly deserve so much more.

If you liked this article, you can find more of KC’s writing on her Facebook Page.

As you get older, you lose a lot of people in your life that you thought were “friends”. It hurts, but it’s reality. The one person that will never leave though… is your mom.

When you’re old enough to have gone through losing your friends because you’ve grown up and they haven’t, she will still be there. She will always be there, because whether you like to admit it or not, your mom is actually your best friend.

1. She loves you even when you’re being completely unlovable.

This is a no-brainer. She might get angry with you, and she may not agree with all of your choices, but it will never change the fact that she loves you unconditionally.

2. She will always keep your secrets.

You can tell her anything. She isn’t going to behind your back and air your dirty laundry. You can actually trust her, and you will always be able to.

3. She won’t leave you when things get rough.

A lot of people turn and run at the first sign of trouble. Not her. She’s your mom, and she will stay by your side through anything and everything.

4. She will always support you.

She may not agree with what you’re doing, but if it makes you happy, she will support you. Always. She believes in your dreams and goals and wants nothing more than to see you accomplish every one of them.

5. She won’t lie to you.

If you’re going out, and you think that dress makes you look a little pudgy, but you aren’t sure, ask her. Guarantee that you will get the most truthful answer you’ve ever heard.

6. She won’t try to steal your boyfriend.

Obvious reason. I mean, come on. She’s your mom. You’re her daughter. He’s your age…enough said.

7. There is no drama.

What drama could you possibly have with your mom? Besides normal family drama of course. But there won’t be any “guess what Ashley said about you?!” Or “I heard Brittney was texting (insert you boyfriends name here)”. No. Not with your mom.

8. Your happiness is a legit priority to her.

Your mom wants you to be happy and will do anything in her power to make sure you are. She doesn’t ever want to see you being anything less than excited about life.

9. She will never hurt you.

This one is obvious. You’re her baby, regardless of how old you are. She won’t ever intentionally hurt you or upset you. Her goal in life is to see you that way as little as possible, so she would never cause it herself.

10. She’s always been there for you.

Your mom has been there from the beginning. She has seen everything, heard everything, helped you through everything. When everyone walked away, she was always still there.

In my opinion, that’s pretty much the epitome of a best friend.

Most people don't know the real story. They either make assumptions or just take your word on things, and I tend to let them, because no one can ever seem to believe how you really are.

The truth is, I've never put so much effort into anything. I've never wanted something to work so much. I never thought I'd sacrifice my own happiness in order for a relationship to work…but I did.

What I didn't realize at the time, was that my happiness was necessary in order for our relationship to be succesful. Not only that, but that you didn't give a shit if my happiness existed or not.

You didn't care if we worked out or if we didn't.

You were wonderful in the beginning. But you were only wonderful long enough to make sure your hooks were so deep under my skin that it would emotionally destroy me if I were to ever lose you.

You promised me things I'll never get. You started things that will never be finished. You built me up as high as you could, just to let me down and watch me fall flat on my face.

What no one realizes, is that I never once stopped trying. I never stopped fighting to keep the promises you made me, because you obviously weren't going to keep them yourself.

You became so incredibly mean. Every bit of you that once cared for me, for us, in anyway, had long dissipated. The harder I tried, the further you went.

I kept our problems a secret. I never told anyone how bad things had gotten, because I didn't want them to be right. I was warned about you so many times, and I was determined that we'd prove them wrong.

Through the name calling, through the cheating, through the emotional and verbal abuse, I kept trying. I kept hoping that I'd eventually get the person I'd fallen so in love with to reappear.

He never did.

What did reappear though, was severe depression. The haunting feeling of constant inadequacy. The sickening feeling of always wondering what I'd done wrong for you to not love me anymore.

Through all of it, I never stopped trying.

Until one day, I realized that I deserved so much more than what I was trying so hard to gain; your approval. I don't need your approval. I never did.

What I need is someone that I don't need to try to convince to love me. Someone that won't give up on me the way you did…the way you forced me to give up on you.

But, at least I can say that I tried. I fought for us, until I couldn't fight anymore. That's more than you'll ever be able to say for yourself.

So, you can continue to blame me. I'm okay with taking the blame for realizing that I deserve more than constantly wondering why I'm not good enough.

But, deep down, you know who's really to blame for us falling apart. And I hope it'll forever sit in the back of your mind, like an annoying itch that you can't reach to scratch.

While it's making you crazy, just know, I'm fine…because I did everything I could. All you did was watch us crumble, and now you can live with it.

If you liked this article, you can find more of KC's writing on her Facebook Page.