Author: Katie Staten

I fully believe it is possible to love someone—I mean really love someone—you will never interact with.

I don't mean the way we fawn over celebrities we think we know after watching a thousand hours of interviews. I mean the way we love our fathers, or our sisters, or the first real friend that ever stuck around for a while. I believe we love this way through stories.

The first and only time I saw my paternal grandmother in person, it was not her but her corpse. It's the earliest memory I have of my life, and I'm not sure it's real. I was three. They had dressed her body in pink. The coffin was lined in cream-colored silk. My mother was holding me, my father facing his mother's body, his back to me. I cried, not for death (I didn't know what that was), but for the dull understanding I had that I was surrounded by sadness.

I don't know if any of this happened. Each time I remember it, some detail changes—the number of people in the room, the color of the curtains. Mostly I start to remember my 1992 parents more and more as they are now instead. My dad with silver hair combed back, standing before the coffin in the light beige suit he wore to my wedding three years ago. My mom with her hair dyed strawberry blonde, gray peeking through at the temples, tired. This, of course, I know is not true.

So it is that my only memory of Grandma Lucy may very well be entirely a fabrication. This much I do know: That my grandmother is preserved in pictures, in pastels and smiling. That my brother (then five) and I honored her memory, as only children would, by naming our first dog after her some months later. That my father carries her stories.

I say he carries them, not tells them, deliberately. He tells them, of course, and so does my mother, but I don't remember the verbal stories so well.

My father carries her stories in the way he stops at the supermarket to talk to strangers for ages like old friends, making my mom sigh as she wonders whether the ice cream will melt before they get to the checkout.

He carries her stories in the way he talks about home, slips into a southern accent, passionate and excited and all lit up.

He carries them in the way he talks, the way he laughs, his sense of humor, hell, even the way he blames the dog when he passes gas. In some ways, I'm sure, my father is nothing like his mother, just as in some ways I am nothing like either of my parents. But in some ways he carries her with him like a photograph in everything he does.

I didn't get to know my grandmother the way you get to know a celebrity, through selective stories, only the glimpses they choose to share. I got to know her the way I got to know my own parents—what she was like when she was angry, what made her laugh, how she interacted with people. No cameras. Just human. And so I'm blessed to know and love my grandmother, because I know and love my father.

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband and I are expecting our first child, and I think about what a wonderful grandfather my dad will be. But sometimes I think about my husband's father, too, and how unfair it is that cancer took him before his first grandchild was even a reasonable possibility in our lives. 

Mike would've been an amazing grandfather, in a lot of the same ways my dad will be—he loved kids, he loved to teach, he loved to exist in endless possibility like the kind that a young child holds in their mind.

And I'm so grateful to know that even though he was gone before they got to meet him, our kids will know their Grandpa Mike. 

They'll  know him in the way their father holds his guitar. 

They'll know him in their father's perpetual homesickness (sometimes for things that never were). 

They'll know him in their father's laugh, his crooked smile, his love of telling stories, and of course in those stories themselves, things that my husband carries every day. And they'll love him like I love Grandma Lucy. Like their father, or an old friend.

And I can't wait.

Who doesn’t love adventure? The call of the wild. The deep-woven understanding that something more is lying in wait for you.

You feel the world, and all the fears and wonders it has to hold, beckoning you.

But some part of you is grounded, too. Some part of you knows that you have to hold onto stability. Part of you is still, let’s face it, a little scared. So when you’ve got a heart that wants to wonder, but a mind that needs stability…

1. You have a list dozens of places long that you’d like to visit someday…

2. …and you’ve also got an approximate budget for each.

3. It leads to a lot of sadness, wanting so much, but having stupid logic tell you how much of it is and isn’t feasible.

4. So you get your kicks daydreaming.

5. And probably reading, watching movies that are full of the kind of adventure you want to have. May as well live vicariously through characters.

6. You get your adventurous spirit in where you can, which means…

7. You’re more than good at finding local places that FEEL like an adventure, like forests and rivers and places where the call of the wild can really be heard.

8. …or you might take small risks whenever possible. Like impromptu rock climbing.

9. (But only if you know you’ll be safe.)

10. Your heart and mind fight CONSTANTLY.

11. Sometimes your heart wins, and your mind gets really apprehensive about the repercussions…

12. …and sometimes your mind wins, and your heart is broken over the lost opportunity.

13. It seems like no matter what, you’re always beating yourself up.

14. But you also never run out of ideas.

15. And you’re more likely to have at least some of your adventures because your practical mind is always busy devising a plan to Make It Happen.

16. You may know the Grand Adventures that await you are along way off…

17. But you always see the adventure in the little things in the meantime.

18. You have trouble being truly spontaneous…

19. But when you allow yourself to be, it’s the sweetest victory ever.

20. In the end, your whole life is a delicate balance. 

21. Your grounded mind keeps your wandering heart from going too crazy, and your wandering heart keeps your grounded mind from getting too bored. 

All in all, you’re doing just fine.

Celebrating Valentine's Day sounds like a great idea and all, but not all of us can afford to drop $100 on dinner, flowers, a movie, and…whatever it is people do for Valentine's Day when they actually have money to spend.

But we all know love don't cost a thing, and there are plenty of ways to have a good time even if your checking account is in the red and your wallet has nothing in it but your driver's license and shame.

For Going Out (If It's Too Cold)

Look, I live in Minnesota, so it's USUALLY hovering around 0 degrees on Valentine's Day. Nonetheless there's stuff to do:

1. Find a free wine tasting, if there's one near you (they do exist).

2. Go to the pet store or animal shelter and spend some time with the cute floofs.

3. See if you can find a free amateur/open mic night at a comedy club…

4. …or bar/music venue…

5. …or poetry reading.

6. Go to a museum (lots of them are free).

For Going Out (If You Don't Live In a Frozen Tundra)

Some of you are lucky enough to live where Mother Nature blesses you with being reasonable (or sometimes those of us in colder climates get lucky).

7. Hiking, or just a walk someplace quiet. Good for conversation.

8. Urban exploration. (Just be safe and don't get yourself hurt or arrested.)

9. Go on a Pokemon Go date. Because catching Pokemon and hatching eggs is more fun together.

10. Try geocaching.

11. If you're lucky and it's both warm enough to be outside AND there's snow on the ground, you can't go wrong with a snowball fight.

12. If it's a clear night, stargaze.

For Staying In

This is the easy list. All you need are you, you significant other, and whatever entertainment you already have.

13. Get competitive with video games…

14. …card games…

15. ..board games…

16. …dice games…

17. …whatever games you've got. And place bets on them, like whoever loses makes the winner breakfast…

18. …or gives the winner a massage…

19. …or does whatever the winner wants in bed.

20. Or, just spend the day exchanging massages and doing whatever you want in bed.

21. …Or on the floor, or on the kitchen counter…you know, whatever. Get creative.

22. Show each other your favorite movies (preferably ones the other hasn't seen before).

23. Or, find a movie that's so good it's a must-see, even if you've both already seen it. (if you can't afford to buy/rent/Netflix it, borrow from a friend if you can).

24. Or maybe better yet, find a movie that is so ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE it's a must-see. (My personal favorite is the live action Mario Brothers movie.)

25. Cook the most elaborate meal you can together (with what you already have) in your underwear while listening to bad music.

26. Make a blanket fort. (Don't even try to act like you think you're too old for that.)

27. Just lounge around doing nothing. Wrap yourselves up in blankets and talk, tell each other stories about your childhoods…just be present with each other, with no pressure to do something amazing.

For the Gift Exchange

Okay, but what about the card and flowers, right? If you can't even afford a single rose and a cute card, let alone diamonds or something, that's fine. You can still do the gift exchange. It'll just have to be a little bit more creative.

28. Handmade cards. Or digitally made ones, if you're good at that. (Or even if you're really bad at it and have to make it in MS paint. That might be more fun.) That way you can include your own stupid inside jokes.

29. Write bad poetry about each others' best physical assets.

30. Make a book of gift certificates to be exchanged for "favors." (You can decide what kind of favors, *wink wink.* Anything from the NSFW to just helping them out with the dishes.)

31. Give them some art you made yourself. The worse an artist you are, the more entertaining this is.

So, you know, mix and match. Have some fun. Don't feel guilty that you can't take your partner on some whirlwind romance adventure or even to a nice dinner. Literally dancing around the kitchen while you eat ice cream can be romantic, and avoids all the cliches of flowers and teddy bears.

If you'd like to read more of Katie's writing, you can find here on Facebook and Twitter.

Political relations in the US are tenuous at best right now, and I know a lot of people who feel ashamed. Ashamed of who we elected, ashamed of our nationalist pride, ashamed of who we're hurting, ashamed that there is so much prejudice still. I'm ashamed of a lot of those things too.

But we also live in a Take-No-Shit nation. A nation of people who are fully prepared to stand up and fight for what they need to, and people who are rallying to provide love, protection, and support.

From protests to rogue scientists to general acts of resistance and badassery, let me tell you, there's a lot happening in the first week or so of this new administration that makes me damn proud to be an American today.

1. The Women's March on Washington, in which millions of people participated in hundreds of demonstrations nation- (and world-)wide, and not an arrest was made.

2. The queer dance party outside of Mike Pence's house not long before the inauguration.

3. The upcoming Scientists March on Washington, the next in a line of scientific protests, like…

4. NASA releasing a ton of scientific information to the public for free in defiance of the administration trying to deny science and limit the spread of information.

5. National Parks going rogue and tweeting information in spite of the media gag order.

6. Nazis getting punched. (There're all kinds of debate on whether it's right or wrong to punch a man who thinks people of color should be eradicated, but most of us agree it's pretty darn satisfying.)

7. White House staffers allegedly going rogue and letting the public know what's going on at the capitol. Not to mention other legislators…

8. Bernie Sanders, Al Franken, and other senators and representatives doing their best to ensure accountability.

9. Government officials resigning in protest.

10. Protests at airports against the refugee ban…

11. …And this crowd in particular chanting, "USA! USA!" when the first woman is permitted to go through: because that IS American.

12. UCLA announcing lawyers stationed at airports to provide legal assistance to refugees at risk of deportation.

13. The federal judge who imposed a stay on the enforcement of part of the executive order to prevent such deportations. 

14. This legislation to push back against the healthcare legislation that will hurt people. 

15. News media absolutely refusing to STFU. 

16. Lots of people providing lots of information on how to fight back.

17. Generally, learning that we live in a society of people who refuse to take this shit.

Because this is America to me: People looking to protect each other. People standing up for each other and for themselves. People being united, people being vocal, people spreading information. 

People. Citizens. Because that is what makes a country, far more than the person sitting in the White House.

If you would like to read more of Katie's articles, find her here.

Abortion is a touchy subject. Think of it this way: If a person is pregnant and excited about it, do they refer to the being growing inside them as a "fetus" or a "lump of cells?" No. They refer to that being as their baby. Many people see that being as a baby as soon as they know of its existence.

It's a more complicated issue than that, though. Here's what's at the crux of the abortion debate for pro-choicers: Even if we assume a fetus is a baby with full personhood from the moment of conception, a person cannot be legally required to use their body to keep another person alive.

For example, let's say my brother is in a car accident and needs a blood transfusion or organ transplant and I'm the ONLY match. I can do a procedure to keep him alive, and if I don't he'll die.

I'm not legally required to do that, because I have autonomy over how my body is used, and cannot be made to use it in a certain way even to save another's life. Maybe it would be the "morally" right thing to do, but bodily autonomy means I cannot be required to.

Let's take that a step further–let's say I'm in the car crash WITH my brother, and I die, and they need to take one of my organs to save his life, or he will surely die too. Now, remember, I'm a corpse in this scenario.

You STILL can't use my body against my will–I have to have given consent prior to death in order to use my body to keep another human being alive. Refusing a person the right to an abortion is giving them literally less autonomy over their body than a corpse. A person CANNOT be made to use their body to keep another person alive if they choose not to.

The common comeback is, "But the woman CHOSE to make decisions that got her pregnant." Doesn't matter. If the car accident above was due to me drunk driving, which was my choice, I'm STILL not required to use my body to keep someone else alive, even if I'm dead. (I'd get into the fact that it's NOT always a choice–sometimes it's rape, or all precautions against pregnancy failing–but that's frankly beside the point.)

Now, I get it. You still believe that fetus–or maybe in the above scenario, my brother–deserves the right to live, and I'm a horrible person for not sacrificing my body to keep him alive. I totally understand that.

But if you care this much about a fetus caring to term, I hope you also care about a parent's ability to provide for themselves and the child after the child is born. 

Do you support government-funded prenatal care/healthcare? Food stamps and other government programs to help women and children feed their families? Would you support government subsidies to make adoption more accessible? If not, then you're pro-fetus, not pro-life.

This debate is everywhere right now because the Trump administration is pushing to defund Planned Parenthood. 

But here's the thing: Taxpayer dollars don't go to abortions in the first place. Which, by the way, are 3% total of Planned Parenthood's services. (Granted, I'd argue even if this wasn't the case, Planned Parenthood would deserve to be funded, but I understand why people disagree.)

So, what does 100% of government funding for Planned Parenthood go toward? The funding pro-lifers are adamant about cutting? Well, a huge chunk of it goes to, you know, actual pro-life stuff. That is, if your definition of pro-life is helping people not die. Like cancer screenings, STI screenings and treatment, prenatal care, etc.

And if your idea of pro-life is really only anti-abortion? Planned Parenthood provides sex education, contraceptives, etc., to help reduce the amount of unwanted pregnancies. You know, the things that ACTUALLY have been PROVEN to reduce abortion (which banning it does not).

Look, I hear you. I'd LOVE to see fewer abortions performed. I'd love for fewer people to have to face that choice in the first place. And family planning options like those help make that possible. So if you're pro-life and want to see fewer abortions performed? You better be supporting the fuck out of planned parenthood.

If you don't, I have to wonder which is more important to you: Stopping abortions, or stopping people from having sex you don't approve of.

To see more of Katie's work, visit her on Facebook or Twitter.

This is a pointless plea, and part of me knows that, but nonetheless, please, prove me wrong.

Show me that you can learn, that you’re taking this job seriously, that you care about something other than your own publicity.

As we come upon your inauguration, I know people are feeling a lot of things. Many of your supporters are feeling hope.

They’re hoping that all the things that are hurting, things that didn’t change under the Obama Administration, will finally change for the better. 

But many of the rest of us are feeling a lot of other things.

Fear, for one. Of what you might do to women, Muslims, immigrants, refugees, people of color, LGBTQ people, poor people, and more.

How the world might view us now. Your thin skin might translate poorly to other nation’s leaders, and our international relations, sometimes tenuous already, might be hurt. 

We’re terrified of war, hate crimes, and loss, especially for people who have already experienced so much of it.

Anger, too. Because so many of our values were rejected by almost half of American voters.

Because he could ride out peoples’ fear and hatred in such an abhorrent and self-serving manner. Especially because we know what you’re capable of.

And above all, sickness. This nausea in the pit of our stomachs at the understanding of what you might mean, and of what it means that you managed to get elected.

The post-election-day hangover hasn’t subsided yet. And on January 20th, the decision America made a couple months ago comes to fruition.

So far, you’re not impressing me. Your cabinet picks, your speeches, your constant turning over and over on what you say and what you believe.

Your new Congress, who already took their place, isn’t impressing me either, we are on the brink of taking health insurance away from so many families who need it.

We’re not exactly off to a rollicking start.

I’d like to believe your entire campaign was a sick joke, but anyone who’s paid attention to your long history can see otherwise.

It’s riddled with racism, sexism, and a disdain for all who don’t share the privileges you enjoy.

But maybe once you take office, you’ll learn. Maybe you’ve even learned already. 

Hopefully, the weight of what you’re in charge of, the wellbeing of a nation, and the responsibility to protect all its citizens and move them forward, will knock some sense into you.

So far, you have been by far the most unimpressive Presidential candidate I’ve ever seen. 

You are unqualified, uneducated, and unwilling to hear the concerns of others unless they are concerns you can twist to make it beneficial for yourself. 

If you’re going to lead a nation, you need to be ready to lead all of the nation, not just those who can bolster you up personally.

I hope you realize the full weight of the consequences if you fail, and I hope the aftermath of your failure isn’t detrimental.

For the love of all that is good, impress me and please, prove me wrong.

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So you just found out the person you’re talking to is bi. Or maybe you’ve known for a while, and you just have some comments you’re dying to make. 

It’s just so fascinating, or so weird, or so offensive to you.

Well, frankly, it’s none of those things to you, because another person’s orientation is none of your business. 

But for the record, here are some things to maybe consider NOT saying:

1. “I don’t get it. Do you like boys, or do you like girls?” (The answer is: Yes.)

2. “So someday when you pick a side and get married…” (Not how it works, bro.)

3. “So when you were straight (referring to when you were in a previous relationship with a different gendered person)…” (Nope, I was still bi.)

4. “So when you were gay (referring to when you were in a previous relationship with someone of the same gender)…” (Nope. Again. Still bi.)

5. “So do you like, just make out with other girls for guys’ attention?” (No.)

6. “Your boyfriend probably thinks that’s really hot!” (If that was his focal point he wouldn’t be my boyfriend.)

7. “So you’re basically straight, right?” (Nope.)

8. “So you’re basically gay, right?” (Still nope.)

9. “So what, you’re like, half gay, half straight?” (Nope. I am whole bi.)

10. “It’s so confusing.” (It really isn’t.)

11. “Why do you even need a label?” (Hoo boy. The answer to that one is basically an essay.)

12. “So, what, do you want to have sex with just…everyone, basically?” (I said I’m bi, not that I have no standards. But thanks.)

13. “So do you have a crush on ME?” (Again. Standards.)

14. “What do you mean s/he isn’t cute? I thought you were bi!” (Ugh.)

15. “So are you just super into threesomes?” (I might, I might not be, but that’s totally irrelevant.)

16. “If you like BOTH genders, how can just your current signifcant other possibly satisfy you?” (Because I love the person?)

17. “What if you end up leaving your significant other because you want the other sex now?” (Not how relationships work, let alone how bisexuality works, but okay.)

18. “That’s just for the attention, right?” (Yes, all of the glorious biphobic attention.)

19. “I don’t think I could ever date a bi person. They might leave me for a man/woman.” (Thanks, buddy. Fortunately, I didn’t want to date your biphobic ass anyway.)

20. “I don’t think I could ever date a bi person. I mean, I can’t be both genders, so they’d never be fully happy with me.” (I wouldn’t be happy with you but trust me, it’s because if your shitty attitude, not your gender.)

21. “So ‘bi’ means two. So you only like men and women? That’s transphobic!” (No it’s not, because trans men are still men and trans women are still women. But nice try.)

22. “So ‘bi’ means two. So you only like men and women? That completely ignores nonbinary people!” (Nope, we can be attracted to nonbinary people and still be bi. And bisexual is up to the bi person to define, not you.)

23. “So have you ACTUALLY dated/had sex with men AND women?” (My history is none of your business. Goodbye and thanks for playing.)

24. “It’s so cool, you can basically CHOOSE which gender you’re attracted to!” (You’re still not getting how sexual orientation works.)

25. “So which do you like better?” (Why should you care?)

26. “But you do have, like, a PREFERENCE, right?” (Maybe, maybe not. Regardless, doesn’t make me any less bi.)

27. “You must get LOTS of dates. You’ve got double the options!” (Bisexuality isn’t an antidote to crippling social anxiety, buddy.)

28. “Nice! Guys love that. You must get TONS of guys hitting on you!” (Not exactly the kind of attention I want, but sure.)

29. “You’re bi? Sweet! So me and my girlfriend were wondering–” (Nope. No sir. Not an appropriate response. Not even going there.)

30. “How can you be bi if you have a girl/boyfriend?” (Like this! *continues being bi*)

This list could keep going on. Long story short? 

If you ever feel the need to stick your nose into/make assumptions about a person’s personal/romantic/sexual life because of their sexual orientation, consider instead just going the hell away. 

Everyone will be happier for it.

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