Kelsey Coffeey, Author at Pucker Mob

12 Things You Know If You Went to an All Girls School

Whether your parents made you go or you chose it yourself, you’re glad you went to an all girls school. You miss the wrinkly, food stained uniforms and public conversations about menstrual cramps. People ask you what it was like to go to an all girls school and it’s hard to sum up the experience.

1. Shaving your legs was so much unnecessary effort.

Wearing tights and knee-highs during a crucial part of your development has made it difficult for you to transition into consistently shaving your legs. You’ve accepted your leg hair.

2. Your skirt was always rolled up.

You never followed the rules about skirt length. Like everyone else, you’d leave your parents car in the morning and hike your skirt up to reveal the boxers you have on underneath. It was the look.

3. You’ve been to a mixer.

You paid $10 to go to a school dance at the all-boys school so that you could stand in a crowded gym and hope a cute boy would want to dance with you. In retrospect, it was an awful experience, but you used to get really excited them.

4. You had inappropriate crushes on all male teachers.

It hardly phased you that your physics teacher was a 59 and a grandfather. He was a silver fox and his grandkid was only like 3-years old. He’s a male, okay!

5. You know the power of the word “ladies.”

To you, this is a term authority figures use when they’re angry. It gets your attention immediately.

6. You know what a “dress down day” is.

You paid $5 to some charity so that you could wear whatever you wanted (like everyone else in the world gets to do). This usually meant sweats because you didn’t know how to pick out an outfit. You still don’t know how to pick out an outfit.

7. You’re very in touch with your emotions.

Women are just more emotionally intelligent. Being around other women all the time just meant you had the chance to get in touch with your emotions and really express yourself.

8. You know just how dramatic girls can really get.

While we’re on the subject of emotions, going to an all-girls school meant there was some real drama. Every once in a while there was hair-pulling in the cafeteria, but usually it was passive aggressive mind games. Girls are capable of doing and saying some really twisted sh*t to each other.

9. You’re not shy about your body.

In school, you got used to loudly asking for tampons across the room and adjusting your tights in public. You haven’t dropped these habits… and why should you? You really don’t see anything wrong with it.

10. Your sports teams were the best.

Without boys around, you and your classmates could focus on the important things, like kicking ass on the soccer field. You didn’t have to be self-conscious about sweating or being an athletic boss.

11. You’re kind of awkward when it comes to the opposite sex.

Flirting is weird and you never really learned how to do it. You either don’t know what to say or you don’t know how to stop talking.

12. You’re a feminist.

Being around a bunch of strong women has made you a feminist. It’s given you the courage to speak up for yourself and your friends. F*ck the man! What’s a glass ceiling anyway? You and your friends are going to break right through.

7 Things to Know Before Dating a Morning Person

Morning people are a rare and bizarre breed. They say things like, “I’ll see you bright and early,” and they do it with a smile. They don’t need even need coffee to get themselves to work. They’re freaks, but this crazy lifestyle of theirs can actually bring a lot of positivity into your life.

1. No sleeping in.

If you enjoy the luxury of rolling out of bed around 10:30 AM, those days are gone. Morning people will get you up with them. It’s a new day! There are so many possibilities! Let’s go!!

2. The sun is their best friend.

Morning people feed off of the sunlight. This means that by 7 AM they’re going to open up those blackout curtains you love so much to let in the day. *Hiss* You’re not allergic to the sun, you’ll be fine.

3. You’ll probably be in bed by 11 PM at the latest.

You used to stay up surfing the internet until 3 in the morning. Waking up really early, however, means you’re exhausted by 11 PM. Embrace this new and healthy sleep cycle.

4. They’re big on breakfast.

You might wake up to the smell of coffee and bacon or maybe you’ll go to a diner. Eggs, pancakes, waffles, whatever it is – breakfast is delicious and you’ll wonder why you ever skipped it. It’s the most important meal of the day, right?

5. You’ll become so much more productive.

There’s a saying that goes, “There’s just not enough time in the day.” Well, if you wake up at noon then that’s probably the case. But getting up earlier will mean that you can get started on projects earlier, you’re more proactive, and you’ll have time to enjoy yourself in the evening.

6. You’ll get to experience the morning quiet.

There’s just something so peaceful about the wee hours of the morning. You’re going to love your moment of Zen over a mug of tea. Everyday life can be stressful, so it’s really important to enjoy the silence sometimes and be still. You’ll feel closer because you get to experience this together.

7. You’ll always start your day off right.

Waking up to their smiling face will change your whole experience.

5 Adults Who Could Use a Timeout

Aging and maturity don’t always go together. Perhaps it’s time we reinstate the timeout. I’m just talking about some good ol’ quiet self-reflection.

Here are some “adults” that should sit in the corner and think about what they did:

1. Donald Trump

Sometimes when I get upset I start shouting irrationally, too. You think you know what you’re talking about and then people start asking too many questions. You think saying more words is going to make you feel better and it just never does. It’s so tough to get out of that “Terrible Two” phase, you know? Here’s some advice, Mr. Trump. Put the microphone down, go to your nearest hotel, crawl into a big comfy bed, and take a nap. Just be quiet for a while. You’re upsetting everyone around you.

2. All 19 Duggars

Oh my gosh, where to begin? Just go to your room. All of you. Not just Josh, I mean all of you. Your views on familial roles are upsetting, unhealthy, and clearly not working. You need to go away for a little while and have some clear open communication with each other. Really hash it out. Get the little ones involved, too.

3. Kim Davis

Sometimes kids have trouble understanding that they don’t get to tell other people how to live. It’s a lesson we all have to learn somewhere between kindergarten and first grade, or in this case between holding a government position and getting jail time. By extension, Mike Huckabee should be put in timeout too.

4. Dr. Oz

Oh you little sh*t-stirrer. I’m sick of this “Dr. Game.” It has gone too far. What do you think you’re doing? Put that license away, you’re only hurting innocent people. You’re a scam artist! You’re just telling people what they want to hear and you’re not telling them the truth! That’s it, no more television for you for a lifetime. I’m taking it away.

5. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

THAT’S IT! I’m turning this car around right now. I have to separate you. Kim, I’m taking your phone away. You’re on it all the time and you’re a bad influence on the other girls. Do not roll your eyes when I’m talking to you. Kanye, I just don’t know what to do with you anymore. And I don’t know if you were joking or being serious, please stop making a joke of the presidential race. They’re already doing a good job of that and you’re making it worse.

14 Things Babysitters Wish They Could Say to Parents

We’re energetic and fun. We love kids and we really enjoy spending time with them. But parents, you should treat the people you trust to take care of your kids with respect. Here’re some things babysitters wish they could tell parents.

1. Thank you for the cheese sticks.

We love those cheese sticks and put a few extras in our bags for later. Keep those coming.

2. When we come over, you should leave. Your kids won’t listen to us if you’re around.

We hate the parents who hover. It makes us feel untrusted and it confuses your kids.

3. This is our job, so please let us know in advance if you’re going away.

This isn’t a side project, we actually support ourselves this way. If you’re going away for two weeks, give us some notice so we can set something else up.

4. If we’re working at dinner time, FEED US.

Rawrrr, give us your seamless account information. We promise not to go over a $20 limit.

5. Let us know if you’re going to be home late.

Obviously we’re not going to just leave your kids but we will resent you for coming home three hours late.

6. I expect extra $$ for play dates.

Actually, we’re not delighted to have Tommy’s friends over too.

7. You should say no to your kids sometimes.

They’ll still love you – even if they throw a fit.

8. Please don’t involve us in your family drama!

This makes us feel so awkward. You’re the boss and your kids are the clients. We’re trying to make everyone happy.

9. Discipline your children.

Whooaaa your kid is a brat. They could benefit from hearing the word “no” from time to time.

10. We’re not housekeepers.

Don’t expect the house to be spotless when you get home. We might try to do dishes when the kids go to bed, but that’s not in the job description.

11. Sometimes we give sugar to your kids to get them to like us.

Sometimes a 10-year-old is hard to connect with, but we all speak the language of ice cream.

12. Tell your kids what their bedtime is, too.

Some 9-year-olds think they can trick us. If everyone is present when the bedtime is established, there will be no fights.

13. We have a life, which means last minute cancellations aren’t okay.

We try to be as flexible as possible, but our lives can’t revolve around yours. If you’re going to cancel that day, you should pay us.

14. We talk about you with the other nannies.

Every time your kid is at soccer practice or we’re waiting for them at school, we talk about you. Be good to us.

An Ode to the Breakfast Sandwich

Oh my darling breakfast sandwich, you don’t know what you do to me.

Before I met you, I could only lay in my bed with a pounding headache and an uneasy stomach. I knew there was something missing in my life. There was an emptiness that needed to be filled. And then there was you.

Thinking of you was the only motivation I had to roll myself out of bed and search through the cluttered corners of my room for crumpled dollar bills and dimes. How could it be that the answer to my prayers is less than $3 and wrapped in tin foil? Thank you, dear breakfast sandwich.

As I wait to order, equally impatient and unable to really care about anything at all, I think about your complex and enticing flavors. The way the salty meat compliments the salty eggs and pairs oh so nicely with a bunch of carbs, covered in gooey cheese. Then the person behind the counter asks what I want. I clear my throat that feels like the Sahara desert and I say, “Bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel.” Soon, you’ll be mine.

I listen to the sizzle on the grill and my stomach begins to settle in anticipation. As I make my way home, I can’t wait to collapse onto the bed and open up Netflix so I can truly appreciate this experience. Should I watch another episode of Friends? There’s no way I’m watching anything without a laugh track.

I grab a bottle of ketchup from the fridge before locking myself in my room. I sigh with relief as I take off the wrapper and see that they got my order right. Oh and that first bite. I can feel you restoring my life force. I shut my eyes and forget about the rest of the world as I digest. I want to laugh and cry and go back to sleep all at the same time. Before I know it, it’s my last bite. You came into my life and rescued me from the dark hungover abyss. I blink, and you’re gone.

That last shot of fireball really killed me. My text history is filled with evidence of my bad choices. The sun only makes my headache worse. There isn’t enough water in the world to quench my thirst. But you, dear breakfast sandwich, you were too kind to me.

Until we meet again, thank you breakfast sandwich. I’m not completely fixed, but I’m on my way.

13 People You'll Meet at Your First Freshman Dorm Party

You’re a freshman in college and you’ve finally made it to your first dorm party. Keep your head up, have fun, and enjoy the college experience. Here are some characters you should be prepared to meet:

1. The Stranger You Have All the Same Classes With

You’ve literally never seen this person before but they claim to be in all of your classes. You’ll only see them at the midterm and final.

2. Your New “Best Friend for Life”

You and this gal really hit it off. Maybe it was the alcohol or the excitement of the party… or maybe it was just the alcohol. You put her in your phone as “Best Friend for Life.” You’ll never text each other, but you’ll share a single awkward wave in Psych next week.

3. The Guy Who Doesn’t Even Go Here

He’ll loudly and proudly talk about how much cooler the parties are at the tiny liberal arts school he attends. You’ll wonder how it is that his school is so rad but he’s so lame.

4. Pukes Magee

Sticking a bunch of 18-year olds together in a building where the only present authority is a 21-year old RA is a recipe for mayhem. Stay with your friends, learn your limits, and be kind to the person hovering over the toilet. It might be you someday.

5. The Girl Who is Perpetually in Line for the Bathroom

She broke the seal and now she has to pee every 15 minutes. Whatever, the bathroom line is a great place to socialize.

6. The “Selfies on the Couch” Crew

They look great together and they’ve found a perfect place to post-up. Their iPhones will illuminate their faces and you’ll think they’d be a lot better off with a Selfie-Stick.

7. That Mysterious Hunk from Sociology Class

He doesn’t talk much, but you just know he’s so insightful. He’s got a red solo cup and he’s standing alone. Be careful, brooding is his M.O.

8. The Philosophy Major

You’ve read some Nietzsche in Philosophy 101 and this guy is itching to talk about it. He’ll be a big help when it comes to finals, but right now he’s kind of bumming you out.

9. Someone from Your Hometown

Why did this person from home have to go to the same school as you? WHY? You’ll worry about them outing you as the weirdo you really are (until you realize they’re just as nervous as you).

10. The Girl Who’s Really Excited to Be Here

She’s never been to a party before and she loves the music and she can’t believe those people are making out in the corner and what’s your major and isn’t this party THE BEST?

11. The Guy Who’s Decked Out in School Merchandise

From the hat to the sweatshirt and finally rounding it off with a university beer koozie, this guy has some serious school pride.

12. The Stoners

Follow the weed smell to a shut bedroom door. Inside, you’ll find the chillest people at the party.

13. Your Actual Best Friend for Life

You’ll be the ones who split an entire plate of pizza rolls. (Shout out to the people who bring food to parties.) You’ll forget most of the conversation, but you’ll remember that you’ve both agreed to live with each other sophomore year. You actually end up living together for the next four years. Shed a tear. You’ve found your person.

6 Reasons You Need to Stop Calling Me Cute

Of all the ways to describe a woman, cute shouldn’t be one of them. You might think it’s a compliment, but there’s actually a lot of baggage that goes along with that word.

1. I was cute in 1st grade.

This is a fact. Big cheeks, round eyes, insisting on wearing my Pink Power Ranger costume to school every day. I was ADORABLE. Now I’m a grown woman and I only wears costumes on Halloween. If you want to compliment me, don’t make me feel like a child.

2. It makes me feel less than.

I eat steel for breakfast. Okay, that might be an exaggeration. I am strong, though. When you call me cute, all my accomplishments and hard work mean nothing. You boil me down to my looks. If you want to go there, your attempt at a beard is pretty cute.

3. You’re being patronizing.

It feels like a pat on the head. I’m not a puppy and I don’t exist to please you. After sharing my opinions, the last response you should give is, “You’re so cute.” Were you listening to what I was saying or are you incapable of hearing what a woman says? You’ve put yourself in a position of superiority, while I’m left feeling 2 feet tall. Your power trip is starting to p*ss me off.

4. I don’t have to be this nice to you.

I am kind and considerate by nature. Don’t push it. I might smile, laugh, and be generally cheery, but I am fierce. If you prefer your women to be simple and palatable, you’ve found the wrong gal. I have opinions and I want to be taken seriously, just like you.

5. No one calls Beyoncé or Gisele Bundchen cute.

Do I need legs up to my neck to get some respect around here? Hey, I’m not questioning what powerhouses these women are. I am saying there seems to be an unfair correlation between the sharpness of a woman’s jaw line and the words people use to describe her.

6. Just call me beautiful, like the woman I am.

When you call a woman beautiful/sexy/gorgeous, I know that you know I am a confident woman. Unless you’re describing my cat, throw “cute” out of your vocabulary! If you treat me like an adult, I’ll reciprocate. We could have so much adult fun.

Why I’m in Favor of Paid Maternity Leave and Businesses Should Be Too

The debate over paid maternity leave is heated and (incredibly) still actually a debate in the United States. In fact, the U.S. and Papua New Guinea are the only countries that are still stiffing women when it comes to paying up for maternity leave. As a woman and former helpless child in need of her mother, I’m outraged.

If you’re capable of empathy, this should be a no brainer. It isn’t just fun to be around your newborn, it’s a necessary part of having and raising a child. A baby needs to be coddled, to feel safe, and be protected so that they can be healthy and grow. It’s a mother’s instinct to nurture and protect her child in return.

The CEOs don’t really understand the importance of maternal bonding, the hormones that are released, all that complicated woman sh*t, but they’re the ones making these choices. According to the men in suits, it shouldn’t be their problem if a woman decides to procreate. Basically, women should really consider their uterus before applying to the job.

Companies like Netflix are being praised for their parental leave policies. What isn’t said is that these policies only apply to salaried employees, leaving out employees in distribution centers where the pay is less and the work is more physically demanding. They’ve created two classes: the elite get to spend time with their babies without worrying about paying the bills and everyone else doesn’t. This isn’t progressive, it’s f*cking backwards thinking.

Let’s set aside this bleeding heart liberal ideal and consider big business’ “needs”. It’s true, how are you supposed to make money if you’re paying people to NOT work? We can’t expect a company to offer a year of unlimited paid maternal leave to all their employees, it’s just not feasible. However, happy and healthy employees are the foundation of any productive company.

But how productive can an employee be if being away from their child is making them sick? A 2013 study found the length of maternity leave has an effect on postpartum depression (PPD). When the statistics are broken down, going back to work before 3 months after having a baby nearly doubles the risk for PPD. Waiting as long as a whole year to return to work, however, also increases the risk for PPD. Some mothers actually do want to work, they just need time. Businesses really should care about this because they’re going to be shelling out a hell of a lot on healthcare costs. A depressed employee is a sick employee.

If we’re going to get anywhere on this issue, we need to be rational. Working mothers need time to adjust to motherhood and they need money to do it. It doesn’t matter what your career or salary is, this is a basic human right. Businesses, however, also need workers. If they could drop the mentality of “figure it out yourself,” and adopt one of “let me help you (within reason),” their employees would be happier, healthier, and more productive. And that’s a win for everyone.

15 Date Ideas Under $15

The tango over the check on a date is awkward and it will hurt your soul when you see the total. Why not avoid that situation altogether and save yourself a little cash while you’re at it?

1. $1 Slice Pizza

If you spend your entire $15 budget, you and your significant other can have seven and a half slices of pizza EACH. Nothing is more romantic than a greasy face and feeling bloated.

(Cost: $2-15 for so much pizza.)

2. A Picnic

It’s a beautiful day! Go to the park, spread out a blanket, and unwind.

(Cost: $15 for a baguette, brie, and grapes. Or maybe $7 for Ritz, cheese sticks, and gummy bears.)

3. Ikea

Spend the day running around Ikea like Tom and Summer in 500 Days of Summer. When you’re wiped, go to their restaurant (yes they have a restaurant in Ikea). Spend that night hoping your relationship doesn’t end like Tom and Summer’s in 500 Days of Summer.

(Cost: roughly $12 for the food. It’s so cheap.)

4. A Farmer’s Market

Hold hands while you take in the smells and colors are. You’ll feel like you’re making a difference supporting local farmers. Good on you.

(Cost: $7 for organic blueberries)

5. Play cards

A little friendly competition never hurt anyone. Depending on how the night goes, maybe you can make it strip poker?

(Cost: $12 for a deck of cards and a six pack)

6. Go hiking

Reconnect with the great outdoors while you connect with each other. You’ll bond over your mutual poison ivy rashes when you discover them the next day.

(Cost: $0)

7. Barnes and Noble

Okay, try to keep an open mind. Grab a book, a magazine, a comic, whatever, and sit in the medical section that no one ever visits.

(Cost: $0. Yay!!)

8. A Museum

Most museums have a “free admission day.” You’ll have to get there early because the lines are always long. It will be fun share opinions and you’ll love when you agree on how uncomfortable that performance art piece made you feel.

(Cost: $0)

9. A Thrift Store

While shopping might not sound like the most appealing idea to your man, you can find some hilarious sh*t in a thrift store. You’ll spend hours going sifting through over-filled racks of clothing.

(Cost: $10 for matching “P*ssy Magnet” t-shirts)

10. Get a disposable camera.

Spend the day exploring and taking photos of each other. Be silly or be the annoying couple who documents their PDA.

(Cost: $14 for the camera and photo developing).

11. Spend a day in a coffee shop.

Maybe you both have to get work done. Well, now you can do it together! Find a coffee shop with free wifi and be a sexy power couple that does their work together.

(Cost: $12 for coffee and croissants)

12. Basketball and Other Outdoor Sports

You played basketball as a kid, maybe you were even on the high school team, but it’s been awhile since you brought out the “ol’ leather pumpkin” (shout out to Liz Lemon). He’ll be so impressed by your moves and the endorphins will cast a dizzy spell of happiness on both of you. Enjoy watching the beads of sweat on his neck while you sip on Gatorades.

(Cost: $4 for the sports drink)

13. The Beach

The beach is iconically for lovers. The sounds of the crashing waves, using the excuse of suntan lotion to touch each other, running around in nylon underwear…I mean bathing suits. You’ll have a blast.

(Cost: roughly $10 for parking)

14. A local band’s show

Your friend just joined a band and he’s been begging you to go see him play. Make a night of going to that dive bar and showing your support.

(Cost: $13 for beers and earplugs)

15. Netflix

Don’t overthink it. Sometimes cuddling up on the couch with a warm body is just what the doctor ordered.

(Cost: $7.99 per month for unlimited streaming)

15 Things to Consider Before Dating a Guy in a Band

He carries an instrument on his back while riding his bike to band practice. He’s kind of dorky and awkward, but he’s in a band. Score.

But here are some things you should consider before you decide to invest your time in this mysterious fella:

1. He’s probably in more than one band.

Watching your man make beautiful music on stage every once in a while is a nice idea, until you realize he’s in six bands and has on average three shows a week. Dark and musky bars will be your new hangout.

2. You’ll think you have an extensive knowledge of music… until he starts talking.

Who actually knows the names of three famous upright bass players? And what the f*ck is noise pop?

3. He’s probably a smoker.

The unofficial statistic is 4 of every 5 musicians are smokers. Further anthropological studies to follow.

4. He’ll want you to promote his shows.

Soon your friends will receive overwhelming amounts of Facebook invitations. They’ll call you out on the storm of notifications and you might start feeling like a groupie.

5. He’s probably broke.

Being an artist is a full time job, okay? Busking and underground shows that pay in beer and pizza is fun, but it’s not exactly lucrative. Were you expecting hotel rooms that you get to trash after shows? Nope, the afterparty is at Craig the drummer’s place.

6. He’s just so damn introspective.

Ah yes, the starving artist. Whether it was a poor turnout at his show last night or maybe he just can’t hit that high note like he once could (see number 3), sometimes he just gets in pissy moods.

7. He might not write a song about you.

Is that what you wanted? It might not be his style. Or you might not like what he writes about you.

8. And if he does write a song about you, it might be really bad.

Your feelings will get hurt, but you’re the emotionally stable one in this relationship. You’re going to have to pretend to like it.

9. He’ll want you to appreciate his art.

Compliment his art and do it without him prompting you to. This leads us to number 9…

10. His ego is fragile.

Hey, it’s not easy to put yourself out there. So just beware, you might say the wrong thing that will send him into a rapid downward spiral of depression. Or maybe he’s just PMSing.

But it’s not all that bad…

11. He’s great with his hands.

You can let your imagination run away with this one. He’s good with his mouth, too. And he’s got great rhythm.

12. You’ll grow to appreciate new types of music.

Wow, you didn’t know that band was considered noise pop. You actually really like noise pop. You still don’t know the names of three famous upright bass players.

13. Your support will mean a lot, and he’ll be grateful.

Like the Yoko to his John… okay, bad example. Like the Nancy to his Sid… sh*t. Whatever, you’re there for him and he’ll return that love.

14. He’ll bring new insight into your problems and relationships.

See number 6. All that self-reflection has to be good for something, right? You might not always like it, but seeing things from a new angle is so important.

15. You’ll get into shows for free.

If only you could tell 16-year-old you that you’re dating a musician. You watch him practice and go to shows for free. You’re so cool. And clubbing was getting too expensive anyway.