To All the Beautiful Introverts: Don’t Ever Change

Dear shy beauty in the corner, quiet and observant, thoughtful and reserved,

I know you didn’t choose this life.

Blessed with the inheritance of your parents’ good genes, your golden skin and your lush head of hair, the freckles that span like constellations across your cheeks, they make you stand out from the crowd in the most wonderful way.

Maybe you weren’t born a natural beauty. Maybe you went through an awkward phase, like the best of us do. Or maybe you’ve always had that sparkle in your smile, that dimple in your chin, that graceful curve along your jaw. How ever you came about your looks, it doesn’t matter, because you didn’t choose them, they chose you.

You didn’t choose this life. And you aren’t complaining. Far from it. You know how lucky you are. You just wish more people understood you.

Your good looks and your warm smile always give everyone the wrong idea. They see you and they assume you to be someone you’re not. Someone you’ll never be.

Because good looks have long been equated with entertainers. Actors and actresses, singers and celebrities. Good looks are supposed to accompany someone who knows exactly what to say and when to say it, someone who can please a crowd with their smile and is happy to do so on command.

But that’s not you. Far from celebrity, you dislike being the center of attention even in the smallest of rooms. You shy away from the spotlight. It causes you anxiety to be around too many people. You’ve never aspired to be the entertainer. You’re happy to be just a face in the crowd.

And just as compliments from strangers make you writhe in discomfort, your discomfort comes off as offensive to those who assume you to be someone you’re not.

You are labelled a bitch, because you keep to yourself. A prude, because you don’t show off. Antisocial, because you avoid making social plans. Ungrateful, because you seemingly don’t appreciate any compliments. But you are none of these things. Not even close.

You’re deep and pensive. Reserved and calculated. You can actually be quite friendly, but you have to warm up to people first. Your weekend plans include a solo walk in the park, or reading a book. You only go to parties if you must, and afterwards you need to decompress alone.

And you like your life. But you feel tormented by the expectation to be someone you’re not. The beautiful ‘it’ girl, the life of the party.

The guilt you feel, the imposter syndrome that kicks in every time you step out of your comfort zone, you owe it to no one.

You don’t have to be anyone that you’re not. Ever. And you don’t ever have to apologize for the way you are. Not for your stunning good looks nor your introverted ways. You can be both beautiful and shy, and not have to feel ashamed.

So stop feeling like you’re living a lie. Like you owe someone something for your beauty or like you have to apologize for spending time alone.

You’re not living a lie, you’re living your life. And although you didn’t choose it, it’s actually pretty great.

I've Never Met My Soulmate, and I Hope I Never Do

I’ve dated countless guys, and loved some too, but I’ve never met my “soulmate.” I’ve had that instant connection, that head-over-heels-passion, the relationship that everyone wishes they had, but still I’ve never met the one I’m “supposed” to be with. And I don’t think I ever will. Because truthfully, I don’t believe that there’s only one person in 6 billion who is my perfect match. 

This might be a tough pill to swallow, but I don’t think people are meant to be together. I don’t believe that someone, somewhere decided, a long, long time ago, that two souls were meant to be and that after years of searching, would finally be together forever. I just don’t buy it. 

What I do believe is that people fall in love. Often and intensely. I believes souls come in and out of our lives to teach us things, to comfort us, and to love us when we need it. I believe in perfect timing and people’s personalities either clashing or clicking. I believe in a love that stands out from the rest and a love that is the love of your life. But I don’t believe in soulmates. 

I’ve never met my soulmate, but if I’m wrong, and he is out there, I never want to meet him. I never want our paths never cross or to make eye contact from across the room. I want us to stay in our own circles living our own lives, because I already found the love of my life.

And even though you’re not my soulmate, you’re pretty awesome. We like the same sports teams and we laugh at the same jokes. On our first date when we held hands it felt like the last hand I’d ever want to hold.

Our first date spilled over into the next day, and the day after that—it never really ended because, since the day we met, we haven’t gone a day without seeing each other. It would sound crazy to some, but I just can’t get enough of you, and you can’t get enough of me. After all this time I still hope our first date goes on forever.

You always know exactly what I’m thinking. You challenge me in ways that I find both annoying and stimulating. You hate when I’m upset, and you go out of your way time and time again to make me smile on my worst days. 

You’re stubborn and set in your ways, but I love each and every one of your quirks and flaws. You’ve never made it hard for me to love you, ever. In fact, with every passing day I find myself loving you more.

The sights we’ve seen and the adventures we’ve taken are too many to count. We’ve traveled the world, climbing mountains and swimming in salty waters just to end up back on the couch, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. And I’ve never been more content.

I fall asleep next to you every night, and even though you snore, I'm comforted by your warmth. You never shy away from my touch. Your body searches for mine under the covers and we sleep, tangled in arms, legs, and sheets. Every night. Since the day we met.

But you’re not my soulmate and you never will be. Because if I had to find another love, I believe that I could and that you could too.

But I never want to. I never want another person to be as emotionally, physically, and spiritually as close to me as you are. I don’t need a cliche to tell me I’ve found the one. 

I don’t believe in soulmates, but I believe in us. I believe our first date– our never ending first date– could be our last first date. And that our first kiss could be our last first kiss. I may not believe in soulmates, but I know our love is one in 6 billion, and I know it always will be.

You're the best non-soulmate I've ever met. 

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5 Things Girls with Resting Bitch Face Are Sick of Hearing

1. You should smile more.

You’re right. I should smile more. Nobody around? No problem, I’ll just smile at the wall. Or the floor. Or my roommate in the looney bin. Give me a break. You know when I’ll smile? I’ll smile when something is funny. I’ll smile when I’m genuinely happy to see you. I’ll smile when I’m singing my favorite song. But I’m not going to walk around all day with a Joker-esque, psychotic grin plastered on my face just because you, the god damn smile police, thinks I should smile more.

2. Why did you come if you’re just going to be bored?

Hey now, who said anything about being bored? I’m having a dandy time. But if you’re looking for someone who wants to go around the party telling everyone what a GREAT FUCKING TIME she’s having, I’m just not your girl. If I’m really not having a good time, you’d know it, because I’d already be gone. Because ain’t nobody got time for that.

3. I thought you hated me.

So wait, you saw me from across the room, and automatically assumed I hated you because of my facial expression? Without even talking to me? Chances are I don’t even know you exist, because most of my RBF time is spent completely in my own head. I’m thinking, goddammit. And most likely not about you (especially since I have no idea who you even are, you self-centered bitch). Before you assume I hate you, try talking to me. If I actually hate you, trust me, you’ll know.

4. Why are you angry all the time?

Again with the assumptions! I’m actually a very content, laid back person, which is probably why my face looks half melted all the time. Other times I’m likely concentrating or deep in thought, which, again, don’t equate to angry. Want to see angry? Try interrupting me while I’m deep in thought by asking me “Are you mad?”. Yeah, that face? That one right there? That’s my angry face.

5. You’d have more friends if you didn’t look so mean.

Bitch, if I wanted more friends, I would have them. My true friends know that even when RBF has been activated, I’m not mean muggin’, I’m just existing. These friends are also the people that see me smile the most, because they make this mean MF genuinely happy. If having more friends requires putting on a fake smile and laughing at jokes that aren’t funny, then I’d rather stay a grumpy, antisocial bitch.

This Is Why an Extrovert and an Introvert Make the Happiest Couple

The introvert-extrovert relationship goes much deeper than just your average “opposites attract.” They complete each other in ways no one else can, they complement each other’s flaws and bring out the absolute best in each other even on their worst days. The relationship between an introvert and an extrovert is overflowing with passion, filled with fiery chemistry, and tied in a bow of unconditional love. It’s true, an extrovert and an introvert make the happiest couple and here’s why. 

1. They make each other feel like the most important person in the world.

The signs you’re in an introvert-extrovert relationship may vary, but because of their core personality traits it’s easy to identify one. Introverts tend to shy away from people and being the center of attention feels uncomfortable and foreign to them, that’s why they avoid the spotlight like the plague. But their counterpart, the extrovert, thrives on it. Extroverts surround themselves with people because they feed on the energy of others and, at the same time, love to give attention as much as they love getting it. They tend to spread the love to as many people as possible. 

So when an extrovert chooses an introvert to focus their attention on, it makes the introvert feel like a million bucks. And at the same time, when the introvert chooses an extrovert to love, it makes the extrovert feel special that the introvert is willing to open to up and let them in over anyone else. Every person wants to be wanted, in fact they crave it, and in this relationship there is no lack of wanting each other. And this is where their passion stems from. They’re constantly fulfilling each other’s need for attention and never giving the other a reason to not trust them, which makes them the happiest couple.  

2. While they have their differences, they understand each other without words.

Although their needs are different from one another, they can tell when something is up without having to say a word. Healthy couples understand each other without words, and the introvert extrovert relationship is the healthiest. The introvert can shoot their extrovert other half a look across the room at a social gathering and immediately the extrovert knows it’s time to go. And likewise, the introvert can tell when their extrovert partner is getting cabin fever and needs a good night out without them having to ask. They have a deep understanding of each other’s personality and a willingness to compromise because they love each other. And because of that love, they are always learning new ways introvert-extrovert couples communicate better to make sure their happiness lasts. 

3. The limits of the introvert and extrovert comfort zones get challenged over and over.

An introvert’s idea of a fun Saturday night is ordering take out and binge-watching House of Cards on Netflix. An extrovert’s idea of a fun Saturday night is heading to a local pub with 10 friends and singing karaoke in front of a crowd. And because the extrovert loves their introvert, they wants the other right there with them. So even though the introvert would rather die slowly from a thousand bee stings than sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” in front of a bunch of strangers, they saddle up and go along for the ride. The extrovert pulls their introvert love out of their shell and they push them to get to know people they usually wouldn’t, all while never leaving their side. 

On the flip side, the introvert slows the extrovert down but in the healthiest ways. Everyone needs a break sometimes and the extrovert doesn’t always realize that right away. They go, go, go, but their introvert partner keeps them grounded while their head is in the clouds. The introvert creates a cozy Friday night in with a movie and a home cooked meal, giving their extrovert the chance to catch up on some much needed R&R that they usually wouldn’t. 

The introvert-extrovert relationship is filled of push and pull, compromise, and sometimes, dragging each other out of their comfort zones. But in the end, they truly make the happiest couple because of it. 

4. They get to see a side of each other that others may never see.

Many extroverts will confess that their “people persona” isn’t their most true and natural state. Because the introvert personality is more quiet and reserved, their extroverted significant other may begin to feel comfortable enough around them to let their guard down and open up completely. The same goes for the introvert, the extrovert creates a space of trust for them to truly be themselves and feel vulnerable while knowing their in a safe place with someone they love. Both personality types are trustworthy and kind hearted, when paired together they will do everything to truly and completely get to know the other. 

The introvert-extrovert couple gets to see the parts of each other that they would both conceal from the rest of the world. And as it turns out, they have a lot more in common than they thought. It’s these parts of them that complete the other– the deepest parts of the extroverts soul is introverted vice versa. 

5. They both equally crave their alone time and have no guilt asking for it.

As in any relationship, it happens that you start to spend more time together than you do apart. This can be especially uncomfortable for both the introvert and the extrovert because they know it’s pivotal to their health to have their ‘me time.’ Introverts often site needing a certain amount of time to detox from the chaos of everyday life, and this often includes interactions with people, including their extrovert other half. And equally, the extrovert can’t be surrounded by people every second of every day or they might lose their sanity. Both personality qualities have absolutely no guilt in admitting they need to do their own thing once in a while because they completely and truly understand the need. 

6. They are the yin to the others yang: the epitome of balance in a relationship.

There’s no denying this relationship can be a challenge at times, but with a little effort it’s simple to reach the perfect balance in an introvert-extrovert relationship. You complement each other in ways that extrovert-extrovert or introvert-introvert couples could only dream of. The extrovert-introvert relationship is full of sacrifice and compromise, and while the spectrum is incredibly broad, if it’s the right person, eventually it will lead to the ultimate balancing of each other’s personalities and a happily ever after life. 

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When Anorexia Speaks, You're Forced to Listen

*TRIGGER WARNING*For anyone who is currently or who has suffered in the past from anorexia or any other eating disorder, you may find this article triggering and should consider navigating away from this page.

Anorexia is one manipulative bitch. Ana, as she commonly goes by, can creep up on you slowly and then all at once, forcing you to hear her, heed her, bow down to her. She is the one voice that can always be heard. She is your best friend and worst enemy.

I am your only friend and you need me.

And despite offers of help from friends, family, and loved ones, Ana has only one goal in mind—total self destruction. She turns you against anyone that might be able to understand. She makes you believe you are alone. Just the two of you, forever.

Only I know what’s best for you.

She will whittle away at your body, leaving nothing but skin and bones. She will whittle away at your mind, making you believe you have to suffer every second of every day.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

When you look in the mirror, Ana distorts your reflection so you are left disfigured and ashamed. Skinny is never skinny enough. There will always be another pound to lose. There will always be another size smaller fit into.

You are a fat, disgusting cow.

Ana makes you do things over and over again, just so you know how inadequate you are. She makes you step on the scale every time you walk by the bathroom. She makes you spend hours on the treadmill, adding up the calories burned. It’s never enough.

You can’t hide from me, I see everything.

When it’s time to eat, Ana turns your stomach inside out. No matter how hungry you are, how close you are to passing out, she never says it’s ok to eat. What you can manage to get down sits in your stomach like a rock. She makes sure you feel every ounce of every bite, she makes sure you feel the guilt like fire burning in the back of your throat.

You shouldn’t have eaten that.

At any given time, in any given situation, Ana is always scanning the room for someone who might be skinner, prettier, more beautiful than you. She isn’t afraid to point out your flaws. She isn’t afraid to make you feel alone and unwanted.

You’ll never be as skinny as she is.

She makes you believe that everyone can see what she sees. She convinces you that you are the object of everyone’s disgust. You, and your bulging stomach. You, and your jiggling thighs. You hide yourself away in hopes that no one will notice you and all your shortcomings.

They hate you because you’re fat.

And Ana is never satisfied. She never tires, she never sleeps. Every time you think she will be proud of the number on the scale or the reflection in the mirror, she finds another way to destroy you. With every bite of food you don’t eat, she takes another bite of your free will.

You will never be good enough.

The worst part about Ana is that no amount of time or therapy can truly banish her. You will always carry her with you, you will always hear her voice. Strength is no match for Ana, only luck can save you. And if you’re lucky, you can learn to tune her out. You can learn to hear her and not heed her.

I will always be here, waiting.

Knowing you can survive without her is the most crucial step towards healing. Without her you can relearn how to eat a full meal without the crippling guilt. You can relearn how to look at your reflection without fear and disgust.

But without me, you are nothing.

And certain things will trigger her triumphant return. Certain foods, certain people, certain places, certain words—just one little reminder and there she is, smiling with open arms. Ana is always happy to have you back.

You can’t control me, you never could.

If you or a loved one is suffering from an eating disorder and need help, please consider contacting the National Eating Disorder Awareness helpline at (800) 931-2237 or by chatting with an expert here.

The 6 Do’s & Don’t’s of Getting Over Your Cheating Ex

1. DO stop blaming yourself.

Repeat after me: HIS. CHEATING. WAS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT. The number one mistake you can make when you find out you’ve been cheated on is to ask “What did I do to warrant this” or worse, “How could I have prevented it?” You didn’t cause this. Even if you fought a lot. Even if you gained weight. Even if you’ve been working late this month. Even if you—No. Just stop. If one or both of you are unhappy enough in your relationship to even CONSIDER cheating, then it’s time to have a conversation. And believe me, there’s always enough time to talk before falling into another woman’s vagina.

2. DON’T blame the other woman.

Ever felt guilty about eating an entire gallon of ice cream by yourself in one sitting, and then get mad at the ice cream? Bitch, please. Just like you could have put the spoon down at any time, your man could have pumped the brakes and not slept with this chick. Whether this woman knowingly or unknowingly bedded a taken man, you should never shift the blame off him and onto her, or anyone else for that matter. I’ve heard it all from “The slut was really coming onto him,” or “His friends encouraged it, he didn’t really want to,” to “He had a really bad month at work,” and “His parents had an unhappy marriage.” I don’t care if the Creator himself opens up the sky and writes “Cheat on your GF” in the clouds, your man still has something called ‘free will’ and made the stupid decision to cheat on you all on his own.

3. DO go out of your way to make yourself happy.

So many women forget that being single is an amazing opportunity to practice self-love, and being cheated on can really make you feel like you don’t deserve it. Remind yourself daily that you are a smart, beautiful, independent goddess who needs NO MAN to tell her how to be happy. Get out there and engage in some retail therapy. Book a spa day. Spend a wild girls’ night out with male hookers and booze. Whatever you need to do to achieve inner peace, TREAT YO’SELF. And don’t even for a second feel bad about backing out of plans, spending a little too much on that handbag, playing hooky form work to get a facial, or even seeing a therapist if it’s what you need to feel better.

4. DON’T give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know what you’re thinking. He was so nice, so sweet, so caring and kind. He even bought you flowers the day your dog died. But I’ve got news: There is no number of long-stemmed roses that can disguise the fact that he slept with someone else. “But it was only the one time,” you’re saying to yourself, “He said it would never happen again.” Stop. Think about how much it hurts right now. Do you really want to be back here in a month because one time turned into two? Three? Seventeen? Do yourself a huge favor, stop letting him off the hook, and hold him accountable to the consequences of messing around on you, the Queen.

5. DO put yourself out there and see other people.

How soon is too soon? Who cares, make your own rules. You don’t owe it to anyone, especially him, to set some arbitrary timeline for when you’re allowed to date again. You are a Disney fucking princess who deserves a good, honest man to treat her right, so girl, go find your prince charming. Knowing there are hot, funny, honest guys out there just dying to take you out to dinner is a healthy reminder that you don’t need your cheating ex, and you can 100% find happiness without him.

And whatever you do….

6. DON’T give him another chance.

Maybe you actually held your ground and broke up with your scumbag ex. GREAT! But now it’s a month later and you’re feeling lonely AF, crying into a greasy bag of Taco Bell at 2am looking at Instagram pictures from when you two were happy. Honey, put down the phone (and the crunch wrap) and pull yourself together. No matter how lonely you are, you do not need to bring him and all that negativity back into your life. The cheating never goes away. Even if you got back together, even if he never cheated on you again (which is statistically unlikely), his cheating days will always feel like the third wheel. And you should know by now that in a relationship, three isn’t company—it’s complete crap.

7 Signs He’s Cheating on You & 7 Signs You’re Just Being a Paranoid Mess

Cheating sucks, but this list can help. Think your SO is up to no good? Read the signs, and be smart about jumping to conclusions.

1. Major behavioral changes

Why you should be worried: We’re not talking bowel movements here, ladies, we’re talking about major changes to the way he acts around you, his friends, and even his family. You’ve probably been together long enough to know what to expect from your man—so if he’s suddenly decided to spend 2+ hours a day at the gym, when he’s usually prone to sitting on the couch eating Cheetos, or if he suddenly never wants to have sex when you were consistently doing the deed 2-3 times per week, then something might be up. You should refer to this rule when investigating the other signals in this list—if it’s not typical behavior, then it may be cause for suspicion.

Put down the baseball bat: Sometimes there’s something deeper going on than infidelity. Your guy’s change in behavior may be a sign of a mental health imbalance like depression or anxiety. Try talking to him about it before you jump on the cheater’s express.

2. He is vague about where he is going and who  he’s with when he’s not with you

Why you should be worried: In a healthy relationship, there isn’t a good reason why your SO wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly where is or who he is with, especially if you ask. Will he always volunteer this information on his own? Probably not. But then again you’ve likely built enough trust to not need to know exactly what he’s doing at all hours of the day when he’s not with you. Besides, you’re not his mother (and you don’t want to be). If you ask, and he is vague about his whereabouts and who he is with, then chances are he’s hiding something.

Blow out those matches: I still maintain that there isn’t a good reason why he wouldn’t be able to tell you who/what/when/where if you ask, but some guys are just idiots and don’t think about the implications of not disclosing this to you up front. If he’s being vague and it’s killing you, just be honest with him and tell him it makes you uncomfortable. I repeat, you’re not his mother, so try to balance your need for knowing every detail of his life with some good old fashioned trust when it’s warranted.

3. He goes a lot of places without you

Why you should be worried: You don’t have to be attached at the hip to stay faithful, and all couples have their comfort zones as far as time spent apart. But if you do the math, the more time you spend apart is directly proportionate the number of opportunities he has to start a relationship with someone that isn’t you. This is especially true if that time spent apart is time that he spends at bars, parties, or with people you don’t know. Worse still would be if he doesn’t clearly disclose where he is, even when asked (see above).

Before you key his ride: You just can’t be together at all hours of the day. There are certain things he will always do without you—like go to his job, visit the dentist, or take a dump. Mundane, every day activities that he does by himself all the time are not cause for alarm.

4. He intentionally excludes you from his  plans

Why you should be worried: If your guy is avoiding inviting you to accompany him to social gatherings or out in public, then something is definitely amiss. Chances are you’re together because you enjoy each other’s company, so avoiding doing things with you should be a big red flag.

Back away from his X-Box: Look, sometimes guys need guy time, aka NOT girlfriend time. That is 100% normal. He may not invite you to come over and watch the game because that’s his time to hang with the boys and talk about man stuff. Other times, the idea of inviting you to come with him simply may not cross his mind. It could be that you’re not on the same page about the types of activities you’d like to do as a couple, so talking about it first might clear things up.

5. His friends cheat on their SO’s

Why you should be worried: I’m not saying it’s always monkey-see-monkey-do, but if he starts talking about his buddies cheating in a way that makes it sound justified or even attractive, then it’s a red flag. Behavior can rub off on people, so if your SO is constantly immersed in an environment where his friends talk about infidelity and its perks, he might begin to think it’s ok. He may even be learning better ways to hide it from you.

Stop tearing up those pictures: Occasionally hear your guy talking about his buddy who’s getting divorced because he got caught cheating on his wife? It happens to more couples than we’d like to think, and just because his friend did it, doesn’t necessarily mean he condones the activity. This is your opportunity to open a line of communication on the subject and voice your opinions on your own boundaries (i.e. Cheating = GTFO).

6. He is secretive about his phone

Why you should be worried: Our phones say a lot about us and our daily activities. If it seems like he’s going out of his way to hide what his phone says about him, there may be a problem. Behavior like setting or changing the passcode on his phone, always keeping it on him or near him (even when it’s not convenient or necessary), or setting it face down and only looking at the screen when it’s not within your line of sight is definitely suspicious. Being on his phone constantly can also be a warning sign that he’s using it for inappropriate things.

Before you smash his phone against the wall: This could be a pot calling the kettle black type of situation, so before you jump to conclusions about his phone behavior, take a good look at your own. Our phones are like our diaries, and to a certain degree, we all guard them—I know I don’t want my SO to see the invoices for the hundreds of $$ I just spent at Sephora, or my google searches for yeast infection cream. There are subtleties here to be aware of in terms of good and bad phone behavior—so don’t jump to conclusions just because he has and uses his phone regularly (chances are you do too).

7. He receives texts/calls/snaps from people you don’t recognize

Why you should be worried: You’re never going to know all the people in your SO’s life. But you probably know the key people that play the biggest roles. If you notice incoming calls, texts, emails from names you’ve never heard before, he might be talking to people he doesn’t want you to know about. There are also apps available to aid him in his quest to cheat– apps like Snapchat that erases pictures and conversations as you receive them, or dating apps like Tinder that boasts tons of singles ready to….well, you know. Illicit use of these apps should be considered suspect. Couple these with any of the suspicious phone behavior mentioned above, and you’ve got yourself a bonified cheater.

Don’t rip all his underwear yet: Not everyone who uses Snapchat is a cheater. And no, just because you don’t know the person he’s texting doesn’t mean he’s doing the dirty with them. Your guy has the right to keep some things private, just like you do. Suspicious phone behavior is usually coupled with one or more signs on this list, so try not to take that alone out of context.

I thought I had it all, then I agreed to marry you.

I thought I had it all.

I pieced our life together, bit by bit, year after year, modelling it after what I always envisioned life as a happy couple should be. My perfect fairy tale, starring us. Your proposal was supposed to be my happily ever after. My diamond ring, our dream wedding.

And nobody had to know we weren’t really perfect. That could be our little secret.

Because I knew we had fights. Differences. Disagreements. You liked to stay out, to be wild and free. I knew you were afraid to commit to me. It took you 5 years and 2 break ups to propose. But I stayed. Waiting for you to come around. Always waiting. Sometimes knowing what you were doing. Only sometimes. Hoping it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Always giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Now there was a wedding to plan. If I could just get us to the altar. If I could just get in front of you in my white dress and say those vows. The dancing and the cake. The perfectly posed and photoshopped pictures. Blur the lines in my face that had formed during those years I stayed up late waiting for you to come home. Blur the imperfections of our past and hang them on the mantle for the rest of our perfectly imperfect lives.

I didn’t really think I had it all. But I thought I could, if I tried hard enough.

And nobody had to know we weren’t really perfect. Nobody, not even me. Because while I pieced together my fairy tale, you were secretly tearing it apart.

It was, in fact, just as bad as it seemed. Worse, even. So much worse. The things I told myself you would never do to me. The things I thought you weren’t capable of. Three women. Maybe more, I’ll never know. I don’t want to know.

You said you never loved them. But what you really said was you never loved me.

I picked my wedding dress up from the shop, knowing I would never wear it. I cried into a sea of tulle. Deep, heaving tears. Smears of black mascara on perfect white lace. Smears of infidelity, deceit, and heartbreak on my perfect fairy tale.

There was no hiding these imperfections.

For a fleeting moment I considered continuing the charade. I told myself I could fix it. Just send the invitations. Wear the dress. Eat the cake. Get your ending. You’ve come this far, why stop now? Live the life you wanted. The life you thought you had. The life of lies.

I thought I had it all. Well, not anymore. Not in the least. But I thought I could, if I just tried a little harder.

Things I thought I was capable of. But I’ll never know. I don’t want to know. I walked instead. Not down the aisle, but out of our life. My life. My story. My perfectly imperfect fairy tale.

I’d rather live in the real world.

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