Author: Krystal Joy

I have only ever had three readings done for me (psychic readings). The first one was a woman I found on the internet. It was a very vague and very boring reading. I was not impressed. The third one was done using crystals. It was very interesting.

The second reading was done using tarot cards. It was a bit confusing because at the time I didn’t know anything about tarot cards. It felt right though. And this reading has continued to stick with me. The woman told me at the end of the reading that I travel in my dreams. She wasn’t talking about a dream vacation I could have constructed during my sleep. Unfortunately, my time was up so I didn’t get an elaboration. I still wonder what she could have meant. I have very vivid dreams every so often. I will find myself awake and wondering if it was real or not. I will find myself awake with leftover feelings from my dreams. It’s intriguing yet intimidating.

This brings me to ponder the dreams I’ve had throughout my life and which ones continue to stick with me. Three dreams instantly come to mind. There is a dream I have had repeatedly in my life. It’s very simple yet so complex because I have yet to figure any kind of meaning from it. It has been quite a bit of time since I have had this dream, though, I have had it multiple different times in my life.

I am simply standing at the top of a staircase. I’m excited because I’m going to jump the stairs. I launch myself towards the bottom of the stairs feeling my adrenaline pumping at the action. The end of the stairs never comes. I simply jump and never land. The stairs begin to grow and grow. Sometimes they get farther and farther away from and I am stuck, suspended in the air, continuously jumping, straining to reach the bottom of the steps. Some time passes like this as my fear of landing grows. I realize in mid-air that it begins to feel less like a jump and more like I am supposed to be flying. But I haven’t a clue of what I am doing. I am only aware of wanting to land safely at the bottom of the stairs. I always awaken before landing. I always awaken with anxiety after having this dream. I still wonder what it means even though its been some time since I’ve had this particular dream.

The second dream that comes to mind I had at some point during elementary school or middle school. I was a new student in my class, in my dream. I was introduced to the class and was told to take a seat. Upon looking at the desks I discover there is only one empty seat. Of course I take it. It isn’t until I sit down, and I believe the teacher asks a question, that I see the student sitting next to me. He has a huge head of hair and he wears glasses. This kid scared the crap out of me. His glasses were circular around his head. This kid had eyes all around his head. WTF?! This dream left me feeling creepy-crawly. I was terrified of this dream. And still to this day when I think of nightmares during sleep, I think of this dream.

The third dream that comes to mind is one I cannot recall when I had it. For some reason in this dream I was supposed to stay the night at my dad’s sister’s house. As I am walking up to their door I get a horrible feeling. I try to tell my mom I don’t want to stay. I don’t recall the exact details of how it happened but I end up in the back of their white van. I can tell we are driving fast. My heartbeat racing. I don’t have any good feelings. I can’t remember if anything was said to me. I just know that the van drove around a curve on a cliff and my aunt and uncle opened up the back of the van and pushed me out over the cliff. And I wake up.

I have had many more dreams besides these. For some reason when I think of nightmares these are the ones that appear forefront in my mind. These are some of the ones I have never been able to understand. Maybe I never will.

But ever since that lady told me I travel in my dreams, I have become very curious about how dreams work and what they could mean. It is another aspect of the unknown that I seek to come to know. It is another piece to the puzzle of me. Another tool to help me understand myself and this crazy life. I’ve always been outside the box and I like it there.

Photo taken from: http://scrubsmag.com/the-5-nursing-nightmares-i-have-when-i-sleep/

Psychic. New Age. Metaphysical. Spiritual.

Whatever you want to call it. I’m diggin’ it. I started attending psychic development classes at a local metaphysical shop during the summer (of 2016). I look back on that decision and feel that it was one of the better ones I have ever made. The decision to attend such classes is right up there with the decision to divorce my ex. Seriously, it’s that good.

I attend these classes with one of my BFF’s. Typically we try to attend the Saturday class because, for real, being a mom I don’t get much free time during the week. The first class we ever went to we did an envelope game. Everyone in the class sat in a circle and was given a pen and an envelope. We were told to rub the envelope in our hands. Then we wrote our names on the inside flap and closed them. We passed the envelopes around the circle until everyone has touched every single one. When we get a new envelope passed to us we were to simply write down whatever came to our minds on the outside of the envelope. This was a great exercise for me to learn to trust my intuition.

It was a great way to open the door for me into the world of the unknown. After everyone got each envelope and wrote down their impressions we were to get our own envelope back. Then we spent the rest of the class discussing what was on our envelopes and asking questions and such. Basically, the group wanted to know who wrote what about them. And a lot of what I wrote on the others’ envelopes was accurate. It was eye-opening for me. I couldn’t wait to get to the next class!

The second class was much more uncomfortable. The teacher wanted us to focus on medium skills. He wanted us to pass messages to each other. I was like, ‘WHAT?!! HOW?!!’ But I went with it. And it was worth it. I passed my first message that day. I didn’t understand the message personally but the look on the face and the rise of emotions from the other person was enough to know that it was indeed a message for them. After that class, I was hooked. I cannot get enough of this.

These classes, these skills, my intuition, makes me feel good. I feel better understood. I feel more confident. I’m definitely learning to trust my intuition more and more. Enough so that my BFF bought me my first Tarot deck. The tarot cards and I have practically been inseparable. I’ve given readings mostly to close friends and family. I have only given one stranger a reading. All the feedback I receive is uplifting and motivating for me to continue. I am, after all, a seeker in this world.

Currently in life I am seeking my life path. I have never felt as close to my life path as I have since attending these classes. I can say with absolute certainty I am meant to be some sort of healer. Somehow, I am supposed to help others. I don’t know the details of what this means. I just know that the steps I am taking, have been taking for months now, is leading me to the right place. I have never felt more sure than I do right now.

Taking these classes, attending counseling sessions, and diving into this soul-searching journey, I am beginning to get answers to issues and questions that have plagued, haunted, and held me back for so long. I encourage anyone and everyone to follow your dreams. Listen to your gut.  Life has many layers. Dive deep. Be a seeker and never stop searching, never settle.

Photo taken from: http://samhainmoon.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-wild-unknown-tarot.html

Life is so hard lately. Even the little things seem tremendous. I’ve been learning so much about self-care these last few months. I feel like I am being tested. I feel like I am failing miserably. 

There is so much turmoil and emotion swirling around in my head. There is so much uncertainty surrounding me. I used to have at least one foot on the ground. Now I’m struggling to make sense of where it all went so terribly wrong. This is not the path I envisioned. 

The dark thoughts popping in to my head recently are trying to pull me back under. I will not give in. I will fight. It’s just so hard sometimes. I find myself wishing for apathy in all aspects. I find myself hoping to be strong enough to feel these things. 

I am a walking contradiction in life. I am barely understood by those closest in my life. I am aware that things are changing. I know some things need to change. I just do not know how to balance it all. So I find myself asking ‘How do I get to the other side of this shit storm?’. I find myself asking ‘How did I let it  get this far?’. I find myself asking ‘Why did I not see this sooner?’. I wonder if I am indeed cursed with feelings. So many feelings.

I find myself wishing I could create a switch in my head. Turn it on to feel and turn it off to process. I am at war with myself. I find myself unable to face the mirror one minute and ready to break it apart and seize the day the next minute. I find myself wanting to go home. But where is home? Who is home?

I find myself recalling distant, hazy memories. I find myself recognizing destructive patterns. I find myself feeling comfort in those patterns. I am at war with myself. How do I get to the other side? Today I have no answers. Today I want to wave the white flag. I want to throw in the towel. I want to turn that switch off. 

When in battle with the darkest parts of yourself, how do you get to the other side?  

Photo taken from: http://modernlensmagazine.com/are-you-interested-in-storm-photography-but-not-sure-where-to-start/

Well, I am up past my bedtime tonight. Who am I kidding? My sleep schedule has been thrown to the wind lately. Tonight has been one of those ‘beat myself up’ kind of nights. Of course, I am my biggest critic. Tonight is also one of those nights where I over think things and read too deeply.

Sometimes, I cannot help it. You see, not long ago, I realized I am an empath. What is that, you say? Good question. Google it. There really is a ton of interesting things to read about it. But to shorten things, I can feel other peoples emotions as if they were my own.

Say WHAAAAT? No, I do not mean sympathy. And no, I am not an expert. This is all so new to me and it still blows my mind that I have found something that fits me so completely. It helps me to understand a lot of things I did, felt, said when I was growing up. You might think its whacky and that is okay. But my life has begun changing since the day I found out what an empath is.

Sometimes I wonder WTF? Other times I’m rockin’ the empath shit. But the truth is that I am clueless. I do not have a hold on the whole empath thing just yet. I haven’t figured out how to tell the difference between what is me and what is not. That sounds funny, huh?

I am indeed on a journey of self-discovery. An awakening. And it is hard. It is awesome. It is confusing. It is mystical. I am an INFJ. I am an indigo child. I am an empath. And some may read this and think I’m certifiably insane. But I am delving deeper. I am becoming more aware. I am hunting down those negative thought processes and breaking them. Tonight just wasn’t a very progressive night.

And I am reminded of how easy it is to fall into negativity. I am reminded of how easy it is to get swept up in the tide of emotions and not stop to process them. I am brought to wonder how much of what is inside of me is actually mine?

I am a wanderer. I am a seeker. And I have questions, lots of questions. Tonight was just one of those nights that has me terrified of the answers.

Photo taken from: http://wallup.net/nature-1511/

I was considered quite creative during my school years. I used to enjoy trying my hand at poetry. Things have been up and down and back and forth for a while now. I wrote this poem in December. The first poem I’ve written in years.

isolated-
my mind is racing
a million different directions
these demons need facing
have i ever known true affection?
the walls i’ve built are so strong
i can’t get out, you can’t get in.
anything, everything, it all feels so wrong
i desperately want to begin again.
i feel isolated.
but is it you or is it me?
apathy has come and i’m jaded.
yet still searching for the key to set me free.
confusion, heartache, and pain.
there’s a storm inside.
it drips steady down my face like rain.
when lightning strikes, i hide.
but my legs give in, i stumble.
i seek endlessly.
it all comes from within me.
how do i break free?
how do the walls begin to tumble?
i need to breathe. i need to release.
i want the relief.
i seek endlessly.
and yet, when one falls, it reveals another.
wall after wall, i struggle.
i want to give up, want to give in.
stay inside forever.
but my heart beats wildly.
begging for release.
i seek endlessly.
-KJR (12/10/16)

Photo taken from: http://pcwallart.com/wolf-howling-wallpaper-1.html

I love puzzles. Just your typical, however many pieces, jigsaw puzzle. I have not attempted a puzzle in quite sometime. I opened one tonight. And I love it, of course! Why have I not done a puzzle in so long? Because learning how to provide self-care without guilt is hard.

I have gone my entire life putting so much effort into others that it never occurred to me that I was neglecting the most important person in my life: me. Roughly six months ago I made an uncomfortable decision to seek counseling(right around when I broke my jaw!). I wanted to get a hold of my emotions because I was causing destruction in many aspects of my life. I have always felt uncomfortable in counseling. I was in counseling during my teenage years. I struggled with my emotions way back then. I struggled so much so that I began acting out of desperation. Desperation led me to self-harm.

There it is. A whopper from my past. I used to cut myself. And no, its not like you think. I didn’t understand what I was doing. I just knew that I felt so intensely. So explosively. So all-consuming. I couldn’t keep it in and I didn’t know how to let it out so I caused myself pain. The pain was a distraction. The pain was the downer my psyche needed.

If only I had known then what I know now. It is okay to feel. It is okay to experience emotions. I was taught to hide your feelings. I was shown and treated as if emotions made you weak. There was no crying allowed. We weren’t even allowed to sniffle or cough at night. We had plastic on our mattresses for, like, ever to keep them new and weren’t even allowed to move cause if the beds made noise, we could get in trouble.

The only sort of self-care I was shown growing up was to drink it all away. Scream it all out. Blast the music, get drunk, and lash out. But on this journey of self-discovery I am on I am learning that it is time to re-program my thoughts and beliefs. It is time to throw out all the pieces that no longer fit. And self-care is just another piece of the puzzle.

Taking the time to work on a puzzle is a positive form of self-care. And I am so glad I trusted my gut and opened this puzzle tonight.

Picture was taken from: https://shutteredintentions.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/continental-puzzle/