Author: lace

I believe that the most broken souls are the ones who love the deepest. They are the unfortunate ones who have seen the dark side of humanity. They are the ones who thought that they wouldn’t survive in this cruel world, but they have. They are the ones who defied all odds. They have a purpose but unfortunately, they don’t always realize that… something I know all too well. 

I know that I’m anything but perfect. I try to be perfect and I fail miserably. I love people who are the wrong people to love and I push those away who are good for me. I live life to the extreme and yet I’m inconsistent in everything I do. I say things that I shouldn’t and I do things that I’m not proud of. And not only am I the worst at showing compassion but I’m extremely awkward in all aspects of human emotion.

Most of all, I don’t know how to love.

But that will never stop me from trying. And because of this, if I give you my heart, believe with every ounce of your soul that it’s all yours. The one thing that I can promise you is that I will never give up. I will make every attempt to let down my guard for you, to let you into my world, and get to know every inch of you, inside and out. You just have to be patient with me. 

You have to understand that my life has revolved around chaos and tragedy since day one. In the process I have learned many coping mechanisms that have enabled me to “fit in” with society from an outside perspective. I am anything but society’s ideal underneath the surface. I’m far from your “normal” girl. My life is a superficial illusion of what people want to see.

I portray a perfect, happy, always laughing person… But I’m not.

I am a disaster, a train wreck of a girl. Some days I’m anything but loveable, a lot to handle, stubborn even. I may appeal to you at first, but that is simply because I have an uncanny skill of impersonating a well rounded, happy individual. It will not take long for you to see the lies, the deceit, the hiding, the real me.

Understand that I don’t do this on purpose, it’s all I’ve known to help me survive, to navigate life, to protect myself.

I am as passionate as I am stubborn though. I know, it’s hard to see. It’s hard to see any vulnerability in me. This is how I’ve been able to go on this long. It’s how I’ve been conditioned. I have learned how to block out the world, block out the truth of reality, block out pain, block out me. 

Underneath the hard exterior know that there is a piece of me that wants to feel the raw emotion of love and acceptance. There’s a piece of me that craves the fairy tale ending. There’s a piece of me that has been so suppressed that it’s going to be really hard to find it.

I have walls put in place for a reason. I have a nearly impermeable shell protecting my heart and yes, it is a hard one to crack.

I know my flaws, I know my weaknesses. I have an inner core, one that is buried underneath layers of despair and solid ice.

If you are brave enough to dig deep enough, you might find that I’m a one of a kind type of girl. You will never meet someone like me and maybe I’m worth the fight.

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I never saw myself as a mother. When I found out that you were growing within my body my whole world came to a halt. My perception of life changed in an instant. It was no longer about me, about my needs, about my wants, about my future. It became about “ours”.

I was terrified. I had never loved anything. I lived day by day never sure where the wind would take me, never sure of what my next step was, never sure about anything. Then there you were. I had a purpose. I had a future. I had you. We grew up together. We learned how to LIVE together.

When you hurt, all I ever want is the ability to absorb all of your pain. It’s a concept that is so hard to grasp until you experience it first hand.

I made a lot of mistakes while raising you. I can’t take them back. I can only hope that you will learn from them and not go down the path that I traveled.

All I ever want is to shield your precious heart from the horrors of this wretched world. To protect your innocent spirit from any pain.

I want to be strong for you. I want to show you that anyone can overcome life’s obstacles.

You have always been so intuitive and so wise beyond your years. You have an old, gentle soul and I’m so proud of you. 

You are the only good thing that I had ever done. You are my only accomplishment in life that I am proud of.  I only want a beautiful life for you. 

I want you to know that you can always come to me. Come to me before you find relief in a bottle, a boy, drugs, or worse yet, before you are no longer able to find relief at all. 

Come to me before you become so numb that you no longer seek comfort. Before you become so engulfed in misery and pain that you shut down completely. Come to me because I will be your rock when you need me.

I will be there if you allow me to be.  I will NEVER turn my back on you. I did everything that I could to raise you in the best possible way. 

Although you are still very young and still undamaged by society, the day will come. The day that you will inevitably find your vice. When that day comes I will be there. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on when you are in need of someone to simply listen. 

I will understand your struggles because I have been there. I will not judge. I will not criticize. I will not leave you even if you try to push me away. I will ALWAYS put you first because I am your mother.

I will never make you feel ashamed for coming to me in times of need. I will always and forever go to the ends of the earth to ensure your happiness and safety. Know that even when I’m not by your side, I am forever in your heart. 

My true hope is that you will be lucky enough to not go through the lessons and experiences that I have, but if they do present themselves, just know, I am here. 

I love you to the moon and back snickerdoodle.

Love, mom

It’s hard to hang on sometimes. When one more thing can’t possibly go wrong, and then it does. When she can’t take one more blow, but it comes anyway. When she has no more tears left to cry, but they still fall. When she’s so drained and it seems impossible that she could expel anything more from her tortured body yet she somehow has more. More tears. More pain. More thoughts. More misery.

She doesn’t eat, she doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t do anything, she merely exists. She has to pry herself out of bed every day because let’s face it, she woke up to see another day that she didn’t want to see.

She can’t let the outside world know that she’s an empty vessel hoping to just go to sleep and not wake up. So she puts on her face, does her hair, and she plays the part.

She’s the happy girl, the outgoing girl, the charismatic girl. She has friends, she’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s who everyone wants her to be.

Inside she is tormented by an insurmountable amount of pain and anguish.

They can’t know that though.

Sure everyone knows that she’s been through trials and tribulations. She was the strong girl who persevered, she handled it like a champ, nothing can bring her down. She has always handled hardship with such bravery and eloquence.

Or did she?

They don’t know that she drinks to numb herself of her own reality. They think she’s just the fun girl who has a good time. They don’t see her wake up in the middle of the night and grab the vodka bottle under her pillow because if she doesn’t drink then she doesn’t sleep. They don’t see her cry every night when she lays down to try, just TRY to sleep. 

She can’t sleep with the cyclone of thoughts and memories that unrelentingly flood her brain. They don’t see the scars resulting from years of self-mutilation. After all, she knows how to hide everything….

She tries her hardest at everything she does, she never gives up.

…until she does.

No one sees it coming. She always get back up somehow because she’s the girl who always fights back when life tries to destroy her.

It’s not easy being the strong girl. It’s not easy being the one who has “no emotion.” The one who can withstand everything. The one who laughs at tragedy. The one who secretly hates herself more than she hates the ones who have ruined her. Deep down she knows that she should be stronger than she is, stronger than them, stronger than the pain. She should be as strong as the girl that everyone else sees. She’s not. She’s weak.

She tortures herself. She tortures her body. She tortures her soul.

There are a select few who have seen her crumble. She always snaps back though. She jumps back in the game. The game of life. The game of being perfect. The perfect daughter. The perfect mom. The perfect pretty face that everyone expects to see. When she’s not perfect, no one knows how to be around her. She’s learned this from an early age. So she is always perfect. She has to be. If she’s not perfect then… who is she?

She cries every night. She drinks herself into oblivion to forget her past. She drinks to forget her present. She drinks in hopes that it will be the final drink, to be the one drink that relieves the never-ending pain of the future. It never is. She always wakes up the next day to her demise which is life.

She punishes her own body for its flaws. She has to be flawless as everyone expects her to be, she’s anything but flawless. She only sees inadequacy when looking in the mirror, when looking into her thoughts, when looking at her life, when looking into who she really is. She knows who she is. No one else does and she has to keep it that way… she has to be accepted. Perfection is the only thing that is accepted.

Physical pain relieves the emotional pain, even if it is only temporary. Anything to escape her mind is a blessing. She wreaks havoc on her physical being to escape the havoc that is inside her head. It subdues the demons for a brief moment in time. Similar to the euphoria of blacking out with booze. Anything to divert her attention away from the inner turmoil brewing within.

The irony is that she’s more than likely someone you see every day. The girl who has no problems. The girl with everything. The one who is smart, pretty, witty, and has it all together.

She’s the girl who is dying right before your eyes.

You’ll never know because, again, she knows how to hide everything.

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I'm a smart, strong and independent girl, so I never imagined myself being tangled in a web of deception like the one that he weaved. He manipulated everything in my world. He deceptively took over every aspect of my life turning me into someone who I no longer recognized.

I didn't think much of him at fist but somehow he spun that around and I found myself blindly falling for him. He's charming to say the least, but underneath that charm, at the very core of his being, you'll only find a cold-hearted guy who only cares about fulfilling his needs even if it means breaking you in the process. 

I can't understand why he is who he is and does what he does. He is a special kind of evil. The kind of evil that sneaks up on your heart and turns you into a lifeless, pathetic, sad soul. His effect on me truly ruined me to the core. 

I will never know how he conned me into believing that he was someone I had to love regardless of the shitty way that he treated. I gave him my heart. Why? Why did I love him? What did he ever do for me? In what way could him and I ever have had a productive life? The truth is, I was brainwashed by his lies, his deceit, charm, and cunning ways of convincing me to love him and hate myself.

I blame myself first and foremost. I saw it from a mile away. Everyone saw it. I was still stupid enough to pursue him. I knew what I was doing. I knew when he was using me. I knew when he was cheating on me. I chose to look away and for that I'm the one to blame.

I have to own up to my stupid mistake, but it still hurts to have betrayed myself like that. 

He has tortured me and destroyed me beyond repair but he still haunts my dreams and thoughts. He is on my mind often and I don't know why I allow it. Why do I still seek the comfort of his embrace? Why can't I move on?

I wish I had the answers but I don't and I have to continue living with the aftermath of how he completely wrecked my life. It feels as if I'm still under his spell and I know it will take some time before I'm able to completely rid myself of the intoxicating effect he had in my heart. 

I've never met a person who is so vindictive, and ye has this pull on me. He knows what to say to completely cripple me and at the same time pull me back in. Enough is enough, though. I need to be strong. I need to realize my worth. I need to find the strength to pull him away from my heart completely.

Growing up in a small, prestigious town, I was sheltered. I never endured true hardship. I never saw the ugly side of society. I didn’t know what it was like to want something that you can’t have.

I had goals and aspirations far beyond reach for many people, but to me they were obtainable. I had money. I had family. I had support.

As I got older I realized that I had something more. I went from a gangly, awkward kid to an attractive (by societal standards) young adult. I was able to use this to my advantage. I became the popular girl overnight. I realized that there is a lot that I could accomplish by playing a part and being attractive.

I found out quickly that the pretty, rich kids do drugs. We were a bunch of kids with unlimited funds and nothing to do so we bided our time by doing reckless amounts of drinking and drugs. When asked why there was a $200 withdrawal from my mother’s checking account at 4:00 am, I would simply say that there was a pair of jeans that I bought from a friend. That would be the end of that conversation. 

No one questioned us. We were the homecoming kings and queens, we were the cheer leaders, we were the football stars. We had 4.0 GPA’s. We had scholarships. We were three golden children. 

We were the kids that got away with everything. 

We were the kids who had the most problems.

The adults in our lives swept everything under the rug because if they admitted That we had problems, it would reflect poorly upon them. It would look bad on our community. It would make people believe that maybe it’s not the greatest place to invest in real estate. So They turned the other cheek when we overdosed. As long as we made it to the debate competition or cheer practice. They enabled us by ignoring us.

When we left our hometown to pursue adulthood, we deteriorated. No one had any life skills. We were a bunch of addicted, entitled brats who had no clue how to navigate life. 

Since I have left home I have seen more death than anyone should have to see in a lifetime.

Many of us have become homeless. Incarcerated. Prostitutes. Drug dealers. Dead….

A life of luxury is what most parents want for their children. But how far do you go? A perfect family in a perfect home in a perfect community is a fairy tale. What happens behind closed doors stays there and that is not helping anyone. I was fed with a golden spoon. I ended up in jail by 18, rehab by 20, and sleeping in a bush by 32.

I’m still seen as a lucky girl who had everything handed to her. I’m not lucky. I’m cursed. I’m destroyed. I’m a lost cause. But hey, I still have a pretty face…

Somehow, I got caught up in your cycle, and I keep going down the same dangerous path every time. 

I don’t know how many times I will let you do this to me, but I do know that it kills me a little more every single time.

Why? Do you get a satisfaction when you see me in pain? 

I know that you have never said the words, but I know that there is a part of you that loves me. There’s a part of me that loves you as well. We had plans. We had a goal. We were finally moving forward.

Then you got scared, and everything changed.

Why did I put up with it? Why do I continue to? Why do I allow you to treat me the way that you do? 

I may not be perfect, but I sure as hell deserve better than what you give me. I was willing to do ANYTHING to make it work, but you have no interest in trying. It’s easier for you to throw in the towel and move on.

I’m not ready to do that. I have invested a lot of time and emotion into whatever this is that we have and I’m not willing to give up.

I still honestly have no idea what your main goal in life is. 

Maybe you don’t even know. You say that you want a relationship. Here you go. That’s what we have. Is it not?

But yet you go back and forth, jumping from one extreme to the other and I can’t keep up.

You wreak havoc on my heart and in my life, and it’s destroying me. You’re tearing through me and uprooting everything I thought was concrete. Now I’m not sure of anything anymore.

 I just want you to sit still for a minute and tell me what you want. 

The ball is in your court. Just remember to play wisely because sooner than later I am going to be too tired to keep dancing this tango with you. Once I’m gone, I’ll be gone. You’ll be the one staining your pillows with tears. Not me. Not anymore.

I’ve never thought of myself as a weak individual. I grew up in a family of boys who taught new me that if you can’t keep up, you’re going to get left behind. So I kept up. I ran with the wolf pack. I held my own and learned early on that there’s no crying in baseball. If you get hurt, rub some dirt in it and keep going.

Then you came along

I’ll admit that I’m damaged. I’m also hard as nails. I have the mouth of a sailor and can drink any guy twice my size under the table. I have a strong right hook and am not afraid to use it.

I have flaws and because of my past, I don’t let people in. intimacy is a foreign term to me. I hate kissing because it’s too personal. I despise PDA and any mention of feelings makes my skin crawl. I hate emotions in general.

But then you came along.

When I met you I made sure to keep you at arms length even though that was the last thing that I wanted to do. You came into my life like a fucking tornado and flipped my world upside down. I had never met someone who had that effect on me. At first I was intrigued, then I became skeptical, then I became infatuated. I knew that I should keep my guard up as I always do, but with you I couldn’t. I felt an instant comfort in your arms. There was an  undeniable chemistry between us that in 32 years, I had never experienced. I let you in and trusted you with every fiber of my being.

I wanted to be with you every minute of every day, but I didn’t want to admit it. Being vulnerable is not something that I’m accustomed to. I tried my hardest to push you away. I couldn’t do it. You were my drug.  You were my addiction. You were my heroin.

Then you changed.

I remember questioning small things. What do you really do for work? Why aren’t you answering my phone calls? Who are these people that you spend your time with? Where do you go when you leave your car at my house for days?  Why would you lie????

Then I changed.

I became a weak, pathetic excuse of a defenseless little girl that would make my older brother hang his head in shame. He did everything in his power to ensure that I would become a strong, independent, smart woman when we were growing up. Instead I was brought into your world.

I went against my morals for you. I threw away my soul for you. I’m smart enough to know better. I know what narcissism is. I know what manipulation is. I know what abuse is. I can point it out to anyone else going through it, but I couldn’t allow myself to admit that it was happening to me. I couldn’t see what was happening right in front of my face. 

You destroyed me.

I’ll never forget when I got that text from “her”. You acted like it was no big deal. It was, it still is. You used her like you used me. She was “old news”. Except that she wasn’t…. you cried to me about how much you loved me. You doted on me. You tried to convince me that I was your world. So I forgave you.

We fought. Bad. We were like fire and gasoline.  That’s what made me comfortable because that’s how I learned to resolve issues growing up, lay it all out and go blow for blow until we each say what we need to say. Until someone falls. Until someone crumbles. Until someone can’t take any more.

You’d always win. 

You managed to figure out EVERY SINGLE THING that would cut me to the core, that would cripple me, that would inhialate any sense of self respect that I had  managed to hold on to.

I fell and I fell hard. You got what you wanted. I left defeated with my head in my hands and tears flowing. Tears that I didn’t know existed until you. 

Then you came back.

I had tried to move on. You couldn’t allow that though. You needed the power,  the control,  the upper hand. You have taken a chunk of my soul and couldn’t care less. I’m a different person because of you. You have ripped out my spirit and have left me in a puddle of despair and hopelessness.

The truly sad part is…

I still love you.