Author: Lauren Reed

I think about him sometimes. I wonder where he is and who he's there with.

I imagine a beer in his hand and a pile of empty cans near his feet. He has a girl leaning in close, but no matter how close she gets he'll never let her 100% in.

He always had a way of doing that, of making those closest to him feel so distant, so invisible.

I know now, it really wasn’t me, it was him.

I know now, I can do so much better because eventually, I did.

When he walked away, he took away the kind of relationship I am blessed to never have to endure again.

I'll never have to endure listening to him tear me apart word by word. The kind of words I took years convincing myself weren’t true, but he claimed otherwise.  I'll never lose sleep over thinking all the things I could do differently to make him happy. 

After all the years I spent building myself up, creating this beautiful human being I thought was pretty damn cool, it took him seconds to break me down to nothing. 

He broke down every wall and against my better judgement, I let him. He recognized the brokenness and wanted more. So he kept digging.

He dug so deep, I eventually became exactly who he wanted me to be. A girl seeking validation and love, from a guy who lacked the capability of returning such a thing.

A guy who may have possibly lacked the ability to even ever feel such a thing.

He had his moments though, that made me think maybe somewhere deep down he was a decent human being. Behind closed doors, he told me secrets. 

He allowed me to hold onto his hopes and dreams, to be his number one support system, his number one fan.

What about me? Where was my support, my cheerleader?

He took, took, took. And, I gave, gave, gave.

He recognized the bags under my eyes and the way I tossed and turned while lying by his side at night. Rather than help fight the monsters under the bed, he became the monster in my bed.

I want him to know something. I did not know all of this as it was happening. I wholeheartedly wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Because that’s the type of person I am. 

I’m the kind of person who chose to love him despite the way he treated me, despite the many flaws I very well knew he had.

Loving him was life-altering. It sucked the life out of me.

Without him, I'm finally alive again.

Without him, I'm finally me again.

Don’t you feel like there isn’t enough time in the day? Like part of you wants to go out and be with everyone, but then your introverted side is trying to convince you to stay home and chilllll. Because when you stay home, you can get all your shit done, but when you go out you still have to come home and get all your shit done… If you relate to that on so many levels then you didn’t choose the homebody lifestyle, it chose you. 

1. You’re not lazy… You just have an unbreakable bond with your couch. You are really just a relaxed human being. Since when was choosing to do nothing a crime? Not only are you calm, cool, and collected, you’re cozy, comfortable, and well read. 

2. Nothing is wrong, you just don’t have it in you to be the life of the party right now. You’re not depressed, and you certainly still can be the life of the party. You’re just doing so in the comfort of your own home. Pj party, anybody?

3. No, you don’t hate anyone. We just like our TV more than most people. I mean, let’s be real. People can be so exhausting sometimes. Your TV never disappoints us and you know what goes great with TV? Pizza. Pizza never lets you down either. 

4. You’re not boring, you are drinking wine on your couch, does that sound boring to you?  Just because others aren’t there to enjoy it with you, doesn’t mean it’s not being enjoyed. You invite anyone anytime, it’s their loss they’d rather go to a loud bar and mingle all night. Thanks, but no thanks. 

5. Your friends exist… you just can only take them in doses. You love your friends. Do you need to talk and see each other every single day to remain close? Nope. Plus, who’s to say they aren’t always welcome for a little Netflix and wine at your place? 

6. You do go out, it’s just a rare sighting to see you out. Aka they should feel lucky if you bless someone with your presence. You almost always attend celebrations, weddings, holidays, and the like. But one Thirsty Thursday a month is enough for you, thanks.

7. Just because you’re not going to come, doesn’t mean you don’t want to be invited.  You want to feel wanted just like everybody else. A simple “hey want to meet us at (insert overrated, overpriced bar here)?” “no” “ok” text convo is more than appreciated. 

8. People think you don’t date, but they’d be lucky to date you.  Just because you don’t go out all the time in order to binge drink and meet guys, certainly does not mean you don’t have a way to have your needs met. It’s the 21st century for crying out loud. Bumble works wonders. 

9. You’re not antisocial you are selectively social. If there is a reason you decide to go out, just know that person mean a lot to us. You don’t do the whole ‘going out scene’ or just anyone.  

10. Yes, you do things other than just watching TV. For starters, eight hour work days warrant a little nonsense television on weeknights. Also, there are these little things called books that are the perfect escape from real life and real people.

11.  You fricken love your homebody lifestyle, no matter how much everyone tries to change you. If only people realized how much a life you truly have. You don’t spend your days going out and trying to impress others, rather you willingly do things for the one person who will never let you down: YOU. If anything, you not only have a life… you have THE life.

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I’ve been hurt one too many times, and unfortunately, have hurt others just as much, if not more. 

I’ve lied, cheated, and have been downright awful, and the same has been done to me. I felt defeated. Love had given up on me, and I had given up on love.

It’s easy to be fooled and blind when it comes to what we think is love, but I know now, love is many things, all of them good. 

I know that love is never going to happen exactly the way I picture it. 

And the truth is, love does not happen to you, it happens because of you. It happens because of who you are, not because of what you’ve done. 

It does not break you with harsh words and broken promises, rather it exudes honesty and puts all those once broken pieces back together again. To love, you are never an inconvenience. You are worth the 2 am phone calls and up-all-nighters.

Love holds you to high expectations, without changing who you really are or what you truly believe.

Love says much by doing little. It does not require anything in return, but welcomes big hearts and warm smiles, always. True love never mutters the words, “I love you, BUT…”  

Love does not leave physical marks on your body or remnants of alcohol on your breath. It does not leave your loved ones wondering who you’ve become and whether the real you will ever return.

Love never has an ulterior motive.

It doesn't always have a reason why and frankly, it doesn’t need one. Love does what it wants, but considers you in the process. It keeps you up all night but feels bad about it the next morning.

It will bring you tears over and over again. Not because you’re sad, but because you’re so happy you can’t stand it.

Love does not leave you, you leave what you thought was love. If love does disappear, it does not do so to hurt you. It does so to heal you. It does not leave you with a feeling of loss, but a feeling of having won. 

With love, in the beginning, middle, and end, you'll always win.

Being a twenty-something in this unforgiving world is a lot of fun and a lot of suck. 

We probably didn’t need these life lessons to be sugar coated back then and we definitely don’t now. 

1. If you have nothing nice to say, shut your pie hole.

2. Listen to your mother. Because she probably already knows you’re lying when you think you’re being sly.

3. Say “Please” and “Thank You” unless you want to get smacked.

4. Always offer your neighbor a hand when they are lost or confused, unless they look like they’re on drugs.

5. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a load of crap. 

6. Speak up when you feel wronged or unsafe, or else you’ll grow up to be a doormat. 

7. Treat others the way you’d like to be treated and cut out anyone who doesn’t treat you like a princess.

8. Clean up, clean up. Everybody, everywhere. Clean up, clean up. Everybody, shut up and pick it up.

9. Yellow does not mean you don’t have to FLUSH IT.

10. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will make you want to cry yourself to sleep at night.

11. When in doubt, dance it out… even if you’re surrounded by sweaty gross people. It’s fun.

12. N-O spells ‘NO.’ And I-M F-I-N-E spells ‘I’m really upset and I need your attention but I won’t ask for it so you need to figure it out anyway.’

13. Think before you speak… because you’re probably about to dig yourself into a hole.

14. It may hurt now, but it won’t hurt forever. But you’ll probably overthink it for the next 7 months.

15. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up.

16.  When you’re overwhelmed and acting out, take a nap. You’ll wake up not knowing what year it is, where you are, or what you were supposed to be doing. It’s great.

17. There are stupid questions. 

18. Don’t take things that aren’t yours, but if you do don’t go around telling the world.

19. Christmas and birthdays are about friends, family, and love. AND PRESENTS.

20. Faster is not always better. Take your time. Unless you’re shotgunning a beer, then it’s the opposite. 

21. If you dream it, you probably can’t do it.

22. Don’t take life so seriously. Nobody gets out alive.

23. You play games to WIN not lose.

24. “Know yourself, know you’re worth”  -Drake

25. If you don’t know something, google it.

Because, well, you are the best mom a person could ever ask for.

So thank you for…

Making me your favorite. I know you’ve got other kids, but we both know I’m your favorite.

And by 'we both' I mean all of us. 

Making me awesome as all hell, all because you are you.

Not making me a child obesity statistic. Thank you for not allowing soda in your house and for hiding the few sweets you did purchase. 

Even though I knew where every hiding place was.

TACO BELL NIGHT. I guess if I was obese that may have played a huge role in why. 

But, good thing my ass didn’t grow until my teenage years, right?

Not getting me the trampoline I begged for. I know I joke that I always wanted one as a kid.

But let’s be real, nobody actually wants a neck brace. 

Being at just about every sporting event I’ve ever been apart of- there’s no better cheerleader than you, Mom.

Introducing me to my favorite pastime: DANCE PARTIES.

Being such a grammar nazi. I’m sure my friends would like to thank you for that one, too. 

I’m becoming my mother, no doubt.

Always following your Mom instinct when you haven’t heard from me in a few days. 

You always know. I don’t know how, but you do.

And for always worrying. I hate to see you worry, but to know I’m somehow always in the back of your mind is a special thing.

Being so special. By special, I mean weird. 

You’re pretty weird, Mom.

Teaching me about love through your actions, as well as your words. 

I’ve known quite a few different types of love, yet the only constant is you.

Never telling me “I told you so.”

Even when you wanted to sooo badly.

Seeing many ends long before I ever did, yet never admitting it. 

Seriously though, how do you always know?

Being the one person who knows how to mend my broken heart, even when I’ve failed to admit it’s been broken. 

You always know just what to say and when to say it. And, I don’t thank you enough for being so incredibly real with me.

Being so honest. I know it’s not always easy, and I’m not always as receptive as you’d like. 

But, I do hear every word you have to say.

Always forgiving me, no matter how rude I was.

Your zero tolerance policy in regards to lying.

And thanks for your patience when all I knew was lying. I learned the hard way, but I learned. 

And, boy did honesty make all the difference in my teenage social life.

Trusting me to make my own decisions even when you knew deep down what was best for me.

And for still being there when such decisions brought me down. You’ve always been a great pick me upper.

Holding your tongue when you have so much to say. Sometimes, all a girl needs is an ear. 

Sometimes, the only ear I ever really need or want, is yours.

Constantly pushing me to be my very best. You question me (lately with questions I don’t want to answer) and you challenge me. 

But, in a way only you can.

Having an open door policy. I have never feared to bring a friend or boyfriend home. 

I don’t think many people can say that.

Being so far from selfish. But, stop it. You rarely focus on you, and you should.

Having a way with words. I like to think I got that from you. 

I like to think I got all my good traits from you.

You’re not just a mother. You’re my biggest fan, my toughest critic, and my best friend.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I can’t say it enough.

I love you, Mom.

It’s like no matter how old you get, and no matter how much you think you’ve learned over the years, you still have so much to learn.

The struggle is so real sometimes.

You’re not alone if you’ve recently…

1. Made your significant other a sandwich and forgot to take the plastic off the cheese 

2. Microwaved a fork

3. Driven over 60 miles to get your teeth cleaned by your childhood dentist

4. Cried because you stubbed your toe so bad that you swear it’s because you can’t do anything right and the universe is out to get you

5. Set your 6:30AM alarm to 6:30PM

6. Put something in the dryer more than once to avoid having to iron it

7. Taken a nap instead of tackling your to-do list

8. Used paper plates for an entire month because you didn't want to do dishes

9. Called your mom in tears because juggling a life and work seems impossible and you don’t know how parents actually take care of other human beings

10. Brought laundry to do at your parent’s house during the holidays

11. Taken a day off work because you were hungover, and that certainly qualifies as a sick day in your book

12. Dropped your phone in the toilet and then proceeded to put it on rice

13. Left something important on the top of your car and drove away

14. Missed your freeway exit to work, despite having held the same job for practically forever

15. Called your teacher or boss “Mom”

16. Barely scraped by on rent, but still managed to make it to Coachella

17. Made up an outrageous lie about something awful that happened in your life in order to miss work or school

18. Cursed in front of your actual adult friend’s child

19. Managed to live on your own for an embarrassingly long time before purchasing a vacuum 

20. Been on a serious budget, but were still able to afford wine

21. Used a family holiday or work party as an excuse to get drunk

22. Gone on a Tinder, Bumble, and Happn date all on the same day in hopes of getting free food or drinks

23. Cried because you just got notice that you’re too old to be on your parent’s health insurance

24. Legitimately lied about what you had for dinner the night before because you’ve convinced others you’ve grown out of your Taco Bell phase, as if that’ll ever actually happen

25. Not corrected someone when they mistaken you for a newly 21 year old based on the cleanliness of your home, because what they don’t know about your attempt at adult life won’t hurt them, right?

Every morning, when I wake up with my guy next to my side, I can’t help but be in disbelief that I’m old enough to live with an actual boy in an actual apartment with actual semi-adult things.

Every moment leading up to our big move was exciting beyond belief, during and after our big move, has been the ultimate test of our relationship.

1. No matter how much space you think you have, you don’t. You’re not only sharing common living areas, you’re sharing your personal space like your closet, your bathroom, and your bed.

2. You can’t help but become your mother the moment your man leaves his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. How hard is it to simply put the dirty laundry in the laundry hamper where it belongs?

3. At first your desire to do things for your significant other will be strong. But that goes away. You don’t mind cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. But chaos ensues when you receive advice on how to properly fold his things, rather than a well-deserved thank you.

4. You quickly learn that you cannot hide anything from each other. You can no longer hide pimples, morning breath, or bad hair days. Get used to it.

5. At some point, you'll think he's disgusting and almost off-putting. Maybe he only brushes his teeth once a day. Maybe you bathe less than the norm. Either way, you’re both gross human-beings and it’s officially out in the open.

6. Your sleeping patterns are tampered with. You need a pitch dark room with no sound to even prepare for some shut-eye, while the tv helps him. When it comes to a good night's sleep, compromise proves nearly impossible.

7. Budgeting for two is double annoying. You’re no longer providing for just one person and figuring out how to go about expenses is no fun whatsoever. He has no problem spending money on games or sporting events, yet fails to understand the necessity of owning more practical home items.

8. Adult responsibilities have surpassed your sex-life on the priority scale, which pre-move in was not the case at all. Is this growing up??!

9. Your parents try to get rid of all your stuff in their house. It’s hard enough finding space for your current belongings, but now you’re in need of additional storage to keep your boyfriend’s baby book nice and safe. 

10. You become sick of being asked what's next. A wedding? A baby? Living together is hard enough. You can't imagine adulting any more than what you're doing right now.  Chill people!

Instead of removing “Single Ladies”  from your music library the second you meet a seemingly great guy, know that not all firsts are lasts.

1. The 'firsts' guy. He's more than happy to help you through some of the most important 'firsts' in your life. "I've never done this before" no more.

2. The one you thought was the one. You pictured your future, how many kids you would have, and created a budget for your country style home… then it ended in flames. 

3. The 'thing' that never was more than a 'thing'. You've done everything that happens in relationships but it's never turned into anything. It’s as if the lack of permanence is what keeps the relationship, or lack thereof, interesting.

4. 'We're just having fun'… The whole sex-friends-thing works for awhile, but eventually one or the other will want more and it’ll be time to call it quits.

5. 'Did he just friend zone me???' You’ve finally found a guy you could totally see being your best friend and lover. Right when it seems too good to be true, he comes to you for advice about another girl. 

6. 'I had to friend zone him, I HAD TO'. He’s absolutely perfect in every way possible. But, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself it could work, and it should work, you know deep down it never will. There’s no explanation for why, and it just downright sucks for the both of you.

7. ''You up?'' Guy. Hell yeah, I'm up! It’s convenient, yet will prove to be the least substantial relationship you’ll encounter in your young life. You know not to expect any attachment from this one, so have at it.

8. The long-term relationship you don’t have the guts to end. This person has been in your life for a while, yet the relationship has failed to benefit you in any way. You know there's no future, but a part of you just doesn't want to hurt him.

9. The summer hookup. Something about knowing you’ll never see him again makes the days or weeks you spend together one-of-a-kind.

10. The Tinder match that ends just as quickly as it starts. Unfortunately, upon meeting, he proves to look nothing like his pictures, drinks way too much, and actually, claims to have forgotten his wallet. 

11. The unrequited love. He’s loving, kind, and apparently perfect in every way. There’s just one big problem, he doesn’t feel the same. He will break your heart and make you wonder whether anybody will ever love you.

12. The relationship that should've never been. He wanted more so you just kinda went with the flow, but when you realized how unhappy you were you had to end it. And that definitely sucked. It just shouldn't have ever happened.

13. The 'wow I needed that'. It’s true what they say, in order to get over someone, get under someone else. This person serves just that purpose. 

14. I know I shouldn't go backward… but why not?  You used to be something and it wouldn't be the end of the world if you just dipped your toes in… There's a comfort of the familiar. It’s short and sweet, emphasis on the sweet.

15. The one your parents hate. He represents everything a parent would never want their child to marry, yet it’s because of those bad boy qualities that you are utterly intrigued. You’re convinced he’ll open up and change for you, but he doesn’t.

16. "We really shouldn't be doing this…" Maybe your friend has dated him, or maybe he's taken. For whatever reason, you should not be seeing him. Your relationship thrives on the danger of being caught until you are.

17. Oh, so this is what an unhealthy relationship looks like. When it’s good, it’s so good. This relationship is often on and off and tough to truly let go of. It usually takes leaving for good to truly realize how bad it really was.

18. The one who sucks so much he makes you contemplate switching teams. You despise his presence so much, that upon ending the relationship, you seriously question whether all men are disgusting pigs like him.

19. Your brother’s friend. He's been around for as long as you can remember, and you’ve always low-key had a crush on him. What your brother doesn’t know won’t hurt him though, right? 

20. The roommate. This person quickly goes from acquaintance to friend, to lover. When he begins bringing home other girls, you learn the importance of not shitting where you eat.

21. The ONE. He makes you laugh. He makes you cry. Sometimes, both at the same time. Together, you’re weird, silly, and downright ridiculous. Together, you’re 100%, YOU. 

As we grow, we crave companionship, yet struggle to truly create and maintain real, healthy relationships.

Why? Because people kind of suck.

Luckily, in the midst of discovering my dislike of people, I’ve gained a strong appreciation for a much better alternative: WINE.

Are people great? Sure, sometimes. But, let’s be real, wine is the real MVP here because wine…

1. Will never wake up and say it doesn’t love you anymore. Does it sometimes leave you with a bad headache to remember it by? Sure, but it’s nothing more wine can’t fix!

2. Refuses to leave you feeling alone at a party. If anything, it will prove time and time again to be the best company at those awful parties, anyway. 

3. Never allows you to hold back your true feelings. I think it’s safe to say that not all friends are there for you like that. I mean, come-on, wine will never intentionally let you down.

4. Can make the least classy girl look classy AF. We can all use a little class in our life, right?

5. Never talk shit about you or any person you love. Even better, wine knows how to appreciate silence more than any person you’ll ever meet. 

6. Is the perfect gift for any occasion. On the rare occurrence you feel the need to interact with others, wine always succeeds in bringing people together. Thanks wine, without you, we’d all be a little lost.

7. Will willingly take the blame for the irrational cry fest you have during those awful Lifetime movies. It gets you more than any person ever could.

8. Is not selective about which events to participate in. In fact, wine is perfect for every occasion, whether it be for a celebration, partying, or simply relaxing. You go wine, you go!

9. Comes in all shapes, sizes, and tastes. Whoever you are, and wherever you come from, wine never judges. It will cater to you as a person, no questions asked.

10. Never lies about being monogamous. Upon the first sip, you know that others have shared its taste before. But wine makes you more open. Wine makes you okay with just about everything.

11. Will always be honest with you, whether you like it or not. As much as you may try to escape life at the bottom of a bottle, be prepared for wine to force you to face reality. 

12. Will give you all the feels, and then some. Allowing yourself to really feel something is hard sometimes, but luckily, wine’s got your back no matter what.

13.  Won’t ever give you an ultimatum. Drink vodka, drink beer, or drink nothing at all. Do your thing, but know, that when you come back, wine will always be there. Always.

Maybe you are knowingly the biggest klutz in the world, or maybe, you don’t take enough vitamins.

People are constantly questioning what kind of accident you’ve recently been in. You wish you had a better excuse, but really, you just barely tapped something and boom! Bruises galore.

You’ve been called “Princess Peach” one too many times. It’s really not your fault that you can’t move without bruising.

You cannot, under any circumstances, wear a dress to work the Monday after a drunken weekend. Proof of your crazy nights is always present, always.

Your boyfriend has been accused of being too rough with you more than once. You, as well as anyone close to you, knows that your man would never hurt you, but others can’t help but ask when they see the damage that appears to be done to your arms and legs.

Sports are not your friend. If you kick a ball, it’ll somehow result in a bruise. If you’re a cheerleader, your entire body… BRUISED. It doesn’t matter what you do, there’s always evidence you’ve been doing something.

You’ve learned to tell quite creative stories pertaining to the origin of your bruises. Simply explaining that you bumped your knee on the coffee table is boring. Escaping a bank robbery after standing up to the robber… not so boring.

You know that having gone a few weeks without bruising is too good to be true. The God of bruising will get you soon. Most likely right in time for your best friend’s wedding.

Inappropriate jokes no longer phase you. The jokesters are right, though. You are always on you knees… falling. 

You’ve tried everything to decrease your likelihood of bruising. You eat extra bananas, drink lots of water, and take vitamins. Nothing ever seems to work. 

On the rare occasion you wake up, with nice, smooth, bruiseless legs, you know exactly what kind of day it’s going to be. A day that lives in infamy.